by Natasha West
‘I was wondering if I should walk from here to uni. We probably shouldn’t arrive in the same car.’
She nodded in agreement.
‘Yes, I think that’s probably the best idea.’
I floated to university and my mind seemed to relax, to stop trying to untangle my relationship with Julia. If it was a mess, maybe I should let it be one. My life had always felt so planned before and now I didn’t know what would happen next and maybe I should enjoy that. For now, I had what I needed from Julia. It was enough for the time being. I was happy, I realised with amazement. I’d never thought of myself as unhappy before but the way I felt now was a million miles away from how I’d gone through my life feeling. Was this how other people felt? Did sex make other people feel this good? As I walked through the campus, examining other people, my guess was maybe sometimes but probably not in general. It was something else. Julia was something else. I was lucky that she’d taken this chance with me. I knew she was risking her job for it and that meant something to me. It meant it was special, that we were special. I was so lost in my thoughts that I nearly ran smack into Will. I hadn’t see him since our talk at Christmas. The vibe was palpably awkward.
‘Hi.’
‘Hello.’
My eyes shot around, looking for an escape but there was nowhere to run. I had to see it through.
‘How are you doing?’
He shrugged.
‘Alright.’
I could see he was angry with me and I felt a stab of guilt. Here, I’d been surfing a wave of sexual ecstasy while he’d been feeling bad about the fact his long term girlfriend had dumped him. Even to me, it seemed unfair. He tried to push through his resentment, attempting casual chit chat.
‘How’s your course.’
‘Well, it’s… It’s business studies. It is what it is.’
He nodded politely.
‘Yeah.’
‘How about you, are you still as into Physical Education?’
‘Yes, I still like it. My feelings don’t change about things I care about.’
I felt a flash of anger at his jibe and I nearly made a defensive remark before I realised that from his perspective, all this must make me seem flighty. He couldn’t understand about the changes I was going through because he’d been happy with his life as it was. I’d thought I was too. And then I’d found that I wanted more.
‘I’m sorry, Will.’
But he didn’t want my apology. He spat out something he’d obviously been thinking about since Christmas.
‘Did you meet someone else? Is that what happened?’
He caught me by surprise and my face flushed with guilt. But I knew it would only make it worse if he found out the truth.
‘No, no, it wasn’t like that.’
But it was too late. My face was bright red. He shook his head.
‘I knew it.’
He stormed off, leaving me in the middle of the quad. I had a bad feeling about this.
The rest of the day passed uneventfully as I went from boring class to boring class. At the end of the day, a muttering went through the classroom, a rumour of a class outing to a bar. Ordinarily, I would have made an excuse but today was different. I decided I wanted to go. Although I had been at Medford half the year and I’d certainly been friendly with my classmates, I hadn’t made any really good friends. I put that down to having the comfort blanket of Will. I hadn’t felt a need to make friends before, but now things were changing. I was changing. I was thoroughly out of my comfort zone. Julia had opened me up, shown me there were spaces inside me for new things and I wanted to fill those spaces. And that could start with throwing myself into student life.
Chapter 15
I was at home, waiting for Penny. I was reading some second year work to distract myself while I waited. I didn’t want to let myself get too excited, although I knew it was fruitless to deny it. I’d bought new underwear for tonight and I’d actually cooked. Nevertheless, there were standards to be maintained.
We’d been seeing each other for three months now and the frequency of our meetings had grown exponentially in that time. This would be the third time in a week. I’d tried hard to keep things in a business as usual manner in the beginning but it hadn’t remotely worked. Every page in my rule book had been torn out, burned and then thrown in the ocean for good measure. I was still arguing with myself about what that meant.
We’d had sex numerous times in my office, that was strike one. But the more times it happened, the less risky it had felt and she was just too damn sexy to keep my hands off when we were in private. It wasn’t just that she was beautiful, I could have dealt with that. Her mind, her passion, her talent and her sweetness, they were my real downfall. Strike two was that we’d spent time together that hadn’t involved sex. And when it did, she’d stayed over afterwards. And that was on top of my early infraction related to Penny’s virginity, not to mention the fact that I’d initiated the whole thing. So I gave up the fight. I had conceded defeat to Penny. That’s not to say I was picking a date for the wedding. I still didn’t know where this could go, if anywhere. It had to have a limited shelf life, same as ever.
The doorbell rang and I opened it so see Penny on my doorstep. I stepped aside and she flitted in, a bounce in her step. She sniffed the air incredulously.
‘Do I smell cooking?’
‘It’s just a risotto. Don’t get too excited.’
‘I am excited. You’ve cooked for me. I never thought I’d see the day.’
She walked through to the living room and I waited at the door for a second, the better to watch her perky little bottom as she moved down the hall.
Penny picked up a forkful of risotto and blew on it.
‘It’s not that hot.’
‘I don’t want to burn my tongue. I might need it later.’
I laughed in shock.
‘You’re becoming so filthy!
She laughed to herself.
‘You can thank yourself for that. You corrupted me.’
I raised an eyebrow.
‘I’m not sure it counts as corruption when you walked into my office and pulled my trousers down.’
She laughed uproariously at that and finally ate the risotto she’d been nursing. She chewed the mouthful for a long time.
‘It’s not nice?’
‘No, it is…’
I shook my head.
‘You’re a terrible liar.’
‘It’s fine. Honestly.’
I tutted.
‘Damned with faint praise.’
She put down her fork.
‘Actually, it’s nice to find something you’re not good at. It makes you seem more like a human being.’
‘As opposed to what?’
‘I think the term I heard someone use about you the other day was ‘sex goddess.’
I gaped.
‘Who?!’
‘Some boy in creative writing. He’s got a huge crush on you.’
I shrugged, uninterested. Penny smiled lasciviously.
‘I was desperate to tell him you were my sex goddess.’
I tensed.
‘But you didn’t...’
‘Obviously!’
I sighed, relieved. I hadn’t really thought Penny would tell anyone but you never knew. A word in the wrong ear and it would all be over. The other thing that concerned me was that Penny might find out there had been others before her. I strongly felt that her finding out about my list would be disastrous. I could never reveal the truth to her. She would only be pained by it.
I picked up her bowl and went to the bin, tipping its contents away.
‘Sorry it wasn’t good.’
She came over to the sink and took the bowl from hands, putting it in the sink. She turned to me.
‘I don’t want food, anyway. I want you. Right now.’
‘Thank god. That’s more my skillset.’
She smiled and strode quickly out of the room, headed for my bedroom, pulli
ng her top off as she went. I followed hastily, the failed risotto forgotten.
The next day I was sitting in my office when there was light tap at the door.
‘Come in.’
I was surprised to see the rarely spotted Dean walk into my office. She was a stout lady with short grey hair and a faux chummy demeanor.
‘Sarah! I wasn’t expecting you. Did we have a meeting?’
She didn’t immediately answer me and I saw that this was not going to be a pleasant meeting.
‘Julia, I need to talk to you about something. Is this a good time?’
I knew there was never going to be a good time for whatever she was about to say and I just hoped it wasn’t going to be the thing that I suspected it would be.
‘Yes, of course. What is it?’
She shut the door behind her and came over to my desk, sitting on the edge of it. She looked down at me with an insincere look of concern.
.
‘I’m afraid this isn’t good news. There have been some allegations made.’
I swallowed thickly, preparing myself for the meeting that had been coming for the last six years.
I was sitting in my car, feeling dizzy. The Dean knew about me and Penny. I’d been suspended while the university looked into it and there would be a meeting in a few weeks to decide my fate, although I was free to appeal the action through my union rep. I leaned over and put my head between my knees, trying not to be sick. After a while, the nausea eased off and I sat up. I took out my phone and dialled.
‘Julia, hi!’
‘Penny…’
She knew something was wrong right away.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘They know. The university. They know about you and me.’
There was a silence from the other end and then Penny simply whispered ‘Oh, god.’
‘I’m probably going to be sacked.’
‘Julia… I’m so sorry. Can I do anything?’
‘I don’t know.’
I paused.
‘You never told anybody, did you?’
Penny was offended.
‘You must know I wouldn’t!’
I was immediately sorry I’d asked.
‘Yes, I’m sorry. Of course I know it wasn’t you.’
‘Then who was it?’
My mind raced through a list of suspects. Maybe one of my former flings had decided not to take my breaking it off so easily after all. Sophie might still be angry. Really, it could have been any of them. I didn’t want to mention my shortlist to Penny.
‘I don’t know.’
She hesitated.
‘Actually, I might have an idea about that. Let me look into it. I’ll get back to you.’
We said our goodbyes and she hung up.
I started the engine and pulled out of the university car park, wondering whether I’d ever be able to come back with my head held high. I decided that I would fight this. I wanted to keep my job. And then I realised that all this meant I had to finish with Penny. And that’s when I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I knew then that I didn’t want to give her up. I couldn’t. I was in love with her.
Chapter 16
I was racing through the dorms, agitated. I should probably have taken some time to pull myself together before I attempted the conversation I was seeking out but I was running on rage and it needed an outlet.
I knocked impatiently at the door of room thirty-two and it opened immediately. Will looked surprised to see me for a second, but a flash of satisfaction on his face told me I was in the right place.
‘I think you know why I’m here.’
He gestured into his room and I walked in. He shut the door behind me and turned to me, a sneer on his face.
‘Have you come to beg for forgiveness?’
I looked at him with that bitter smirk on his face and he seemed like a stranger, not like the old Will. Had I really changed him this much just by leaving him?
‘How did you even find out about us?’
He shrugged.
‘It was obvious last time I saw you than you’d met someone else and I wanted to know who it was.’
He hesitated then and I could see he was embarrassed.
‘So I waited for you after class, to see where you went and then I saw you going into that woman’s house…’
‘You followed me?’
He was defiant.
‘Yes. I think I had a right to know who you left me for.’
‘Will, I didn’t leave you for her, you have to know that. I admit, I did cross the line with her while we were still together but I decided to leave you because it just wasn’t right anymore for lots of reasons.’
‘Because you’re a lesbian?’
It was a question I’d asked myself and I didn’t have the answer to it yet. Right now, I only wanted Julia and I didn’t know what it meant in the long run.
‘No. I don’t know what I am. That’s the point. I got here and I started to feel like maybe I wasn’t the girl I thought I was supposed to be. But you shouldn’t have to feel bad about yourself because of it.’
Will didn’t say anything.
‘You were my best friend and the last thing I wanted was to hurt you. But we weren’t right. Didn’t you feel that too?’
He sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. He was crying.
‘No, I didn’t. I loved you! I still love you! That’s why I did this and maybe I shouldn’t have. But I felt so angry and I guess I wanted you to feel as bad as I did.’
I sat down next to him and I put my hand on his shoulder.
‘I still care about you.’
He wiped his face and looked at me and I saw that there was regret for his vengeful actions.
‘Thank you. But it’s too late. What’s done is done.’
‘I know but I’m still pissed off with you. Julia’s probably going to be fired because of you.’
He shook his head.
‘Not just me.’
‘What do you mean?’
He look at me astonished.
‘Did you think they’d just suspended her on my say so? Mine wasn’t the only complaint. Didn’t you know that?’
I didn’t understand what he was telling me but a bad feeling crept into my stomach.
‘What are you talking about?’
He shook his head.
‘I don’t know the details. I think you need to ask her.’
I was eating lunch alone in the cafeteria, my mind going over what Will had said. Another complaint. Who was it from? Had someone else seen us? We’d taken a lot of risks so it was entirely possible. Maybe someone had heard us through Julia’s office door on the occasions that one of us had found it difficult to stay quiet. The thought that someone had been listening in made me blush to my core. I was beginning to think it was the most likely option when a girl sat down across the table with a thump, startling me. She was a good looking red haired girl who I recognised as being in the year above, a writing student. Her name was Lucy, I thought. She was giving me very aggressive eye contact.
‘It’s Penny, right?’
She was making me nervous.
‘Yes. Lucy?’
She nodded and then she just sat there staring at me until I couldn’t take it anymore.
‘Did you want something?’
‘I just wanted you to pass on a message to Julia. Tell her that they didn’t believe me when I told them what she’d done but now people seem to be coming out of the woodwork, so she can kiss her job goodbye.’
She stood up and I felt a panic for the second time that day. I stood and followed her as she began to move through the cafeteria. I grabbed her arm.
‘Hey, wait a second. What did she do?!’
She turned and look at me and the anger evaporated for a second. She looked sorry for me.
‘You think you’re special, don’t you? That’s how she makes you feel. And then you’re discarded and she just goes on like it never happened.’
I was standing at Julia’s door, pushing the doorbell too many times. The door opened and she look pleased to see me. I did my best to keep a poker face.
‘I’m so glad you’re here.’
She stood aside and let me in and I walked through to the living room. I sat down and I felt oddly serene. It was the shock of what I’d learned, I think. She came in and sat down next to me and put her arms around me for hug.
‘I really need one of these today.’
My body went rigid and at last she realised something was off. She pulled back.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘I met Lucy today. She wanted me to let you know she wasn’t too happy about how you treated her.’
Her face dropped and she looked past me for a second, staring into space.
‘Penny…’
‘How many times have you done this, slept with a student?’
‘Don’t ask me that.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because if I answer you, you’re going to leave me.’
‘How many?’
She sighed, beaten.
