Pure as the Lily

by Catherine Cookson

  The girl looked at her, then down at the ledger on her desk before saying, “Will you take a seat, please?”

  Mary didn’t take a seat but she watched the young nurse come from behind the desk and go towards the door at the beginning of the corridor and, as she was about to knock, the

  door opened. She watched her step inside and heard her voice low and distinct say, “It’s Mrs. Walton’s daughter, she’s come.” Then another voice, equally low but clear, answering, Oh! has she? “

  The woman who came out into the corridor and looked at Mary was evidently the sister in charge, and when their eyes met there arose between them an instant and mutual dislike. The sister was seeing ‘a well dressed woman, one of those who get on and leave their folks to rot in loneliness’, and Mary was reading her thoughts as clearly as if they had been written on a blackboard behind her.

  “Good morning.” The voice was icy.

  “Good morning. I’ve... I’ve come to see Mrs. Walton.* oh.” The sister now looked towards the desk and to the young nurse and said, “Wasn’t it Thursday the information was sent out?”

  Yes, Sister. “

  The woman was looking straight into Mary’s face now. Thursday it was,” she said.

  Yes, I know, but. but I haven’t been able to get here before now. “

  “Well, that’s a pity because Mrs. Walton died at seven o’clock last night.”

  “Yes, she died last night. She’s been here six years, you know, and has never had a visitor.”

  Their eyes were holding hard, and Mary’s lips became tight as the sister went on, “She had been living in one room for years fending for herself, and partly paralysed at that. Poor old soul. Then six years here without one visitor to see her. So you’ve come too late....”

  Mary hadn’t felt rage rising in her for many a year, but now it was almost choking her. This woman was taking the place of God, condemning her. She heard her saying now, Do you wish to make the final arrangements? “

  No, I don’t! “ Her voice startled both the sister and the nurse.

  “I’ll leave you to canyon with your self-righteousness.”

  “Self-righteousness! What do you mean? If you mean humanitarian....”

  “Humanitarian be damned! What do you know about it?” Mary was almost spitting the words at her now. Did you find Mrs. Alice Walton a sweet character to deal with? Did you? “

  t As the sister wagged her head slightly and pursed her lips, t—Mary cried at her, “No, you didn’t! Well, neither did I. My mother. God forgive her, was the means of destroying a number of lives. Through her, my husband was horribly disfigured. She disfigured him for life, but what was more’—she now bent from the waist towards the sister’ she burned her daughter-in-law to death, and drove her son almost insane and at last to his grave through drink. Go on. You carry on with your humanitarian principles, they make you feel nice, comfortable, and so very good, don’t they? You should have had the dear old soul to live with in her fighting days, that would have tested your humanitarianism.” For one moment longer she glared at the sister, then she turned and stalked from the lobby, leaving both the sister and the nurse ‘^j gaping after her.

  As she drove back home her rage gradually subsided, washed away on a flood of tears that almost proved disastrous to her driving.

  When she arrived Ben and Pat met her at the top of the stairs, and when their arms came out to her she thrust them off, saying, “Leave me be for a while. Leave me be,” and pushed blindly past them into her room. And there, throwing herself on to her bed, she sobbed as she hadn’t done since Jimmy died.

  “Eeh! lass, I can’t understand it. I feel so grand, I feel I’ve had a new lease of life. Now you’ll let me get up the morrow, won’t you? I could have got up the day ‘cos I’ve never felt better in me life, it’s just as if I’d gone back forty years, aye, forty years.”

  Mary was not fanciful, but it was strange, she thought,

  that her da had had this feeling from around seven o’clock last night, just about the time they said her mother had gone. And he was looking sprightly; she had not seen him looking like this, not for years. Nor had his manner been so lively. Could it be that her mother, who was an evil woman she would never think of her as otherwise—had weighed on him all these years? They said there was power in thought; but then it would have touched herself wouldn’t it, because her ma had hated her more than she had her da, she was sure of that. But she had been strong inside, she would have warded off any evil her mother had sent in her direction; her da had lain under it. It might all be fancy, but there he was before her eyes looking younger and talking with a lightness that did her heart good. It could be that he would get on his feet again and enjoy these last years of his life. She hoped so.

  Oh, she hoped so. In spite of wanting her own release, she hoped so with all her heart.

  There was the sound of a thud from the direction of either the dining-room or sitting-room and Alee looked at her and laughed and said, CWhat’s that? Somebody emptying a load of coal upstairs? “

  She laughed at him and, tapping his hand, said, “Some—thin’s fallen;

  I’ll go and see. “

  Nothing had fallen in the dining-room, but when she opened the sitting-room door she saw what had fallen. There on the floor were Ben and Pat all twisted up together.

  Well, I never! “ she said. Did you make that thud?”

  “Ma ... Mam’—Ben was laughing as he spluttered ‘she threw me, she’s thrown me!”

  Don’t be silly. Get yourselves up. “

  “I... I can’t, Mam.”

  Tat! Leave go of him. “

  When they were both on their feet and laughing like two children, she looked at them and said, ‘you didn’t really throw him, Pat? “

  “Course I did. Gran, watch.”

  “Oh my God!” She sprang back as she saw her nephew, her

  big, strong, blond nephew going head over heels, or legs over head was more like it, on to his back.

  “There, Gran.” Pat dusted her hands; “That’s a demonstration of a hip throw. Now I’ll show you a rear loin.”

  “No, you don’t.” Ben was pushing her away.

  “No!” Then coming at her, he cried, “This is the only way I’ll be able to stop her, Mam.” And he pinned her to him with his arms. When, the next moment, his feet again left the ground he yelled in protest, and again they were both on the floor laughing, with Mary standing looking down at them with a straight face and saying, “It isn’t seemly, Pat.”

  “I agree with you, Gran.”

  From his prone position Ben spluttered. Don’t you worry Mam. I’m going to do something about it and right away. There’s one thing I’ve learned; every move she makes can be | ? countered, and I’ll learn to counter them or die in the at—sK tempt. “

  K,; “And you’re likely to. Get yourselves up, the pair of you, lA and listen.... Oh’—she stopped and slapped at Pat “ I can’t t believe it. Just look at you, as straight as a drain pipe and able y’ to topple him. “ f}1:; The term is throw him. Gran.” ‘ll Throw or topple whatever, it’s not right, it’s unseemly, | ^ ‘tisn’t. “

  “Womanly, Gran?” Patricia put her arms round Mary’s shoulders. That’s the word you want, isn’t it, womanly. Well, that’s how I feel about it too. But oh, it gives you a nice feeling on a dark night going up an alley. “

  When they stopped laughing she said to them, “Listen for a moment.

  Your gran dad had a new lease of life. I just can’t understand it after what the doctor said. Anyway, I’ll get him up the morrow. “

  The following morning when she went into her da with his early cup of tea the cup slowly tilted in her hand. Alee was lying on his back.

  There was a smile on his face and under his hand on the counterpane was a small framed snapshot of

  herself taken on the Shields sands when she was about six years old.

  He had started on his last long trip.

  Chapter Five
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  an official had come to her and asked if she wished to make any arrangements about her mother’s funeral and she had answered no.

  “None whatever?” he had said, and she had answered again, in his own words, “None whatever.”

  She felt now it had been a mistake going to the hospital. She knew that her conscience had no need to be troubled;

  the religious ones would say it was hardness of heart, if God could forgive why not her? But she wasn’t God. People were stupid who expected you to act like God. Yet she knew that there were men and women who had been tortured by the Japanese, and who had survived and yet held no grudge against their torturers. She knew there were Jews who had suffered under the Germans as no human being or animal should be made to suffer, and who afterwards held no bitterness in their hearts. But, on the other hand, she knew of those who had gone insane through the memories of what they and their people had suffered. And there were still people who could not sleep at night because of their memories. But the horrors these people had suffered had taken place during war time. The evil in men erupted during war time, and there was a licence allowed for a certain amount of cruelty at such times;

  but her mother’s cruelty had not been occasioned by war, hers had been bred of personal revenge. No, she was going to be no hypocrite. She was not going to manufacture forgiveness to lay as a salve on her

  conscience because of fear. They buried Alee on the Thursday. Apart from Ben and Patricia, there were only Annie and Tom and a few neighbours present. As the pall-bearers carried the coffin towards the grave she followed with Ben’s hand on her arm, and as she walked she was aware that, parallel with them, on a side path four men were carrying another coffin, and she knew without doubt that that coffin bore her mother. She had to fight the feeling of oppression that flooded over her. And when she stood by the side of the open grave and watched her da being lowered into it, if she prayed she prayed that there would be no coming together in the great hereafter;

  her da had died smiling and she wanted him to go on smiling.

  “It’s scandalous,” Annie said, ‘utterly, utterly scandalous and for more reasons than one, getting married two days ? I; i after Granda is buried. And then the sneakiness of it, and her career. This is the repayment I’ve got for the years of thought I’ve bestowed on her, and there’s only one person to blame for it. “ J’^ “ And that’s me, “Mary said. | fv “ Yes, yes, it’s you, Mam. You’ve encouraged her. “

  “It’s no use me saying I hadn’t anything to do with it, is it?”

  “No, because I wouldn’t believe you.”

  “Ben. Of all people, Ben!” Annie literally stormed up and down the room while her husband sat with his head bowed and his hands between his knees, with Mary opposite him watching her daughter.

  After a few minutes she said, ““ If she travelled the world over she’d never do better than Ben. “

  “Never do better than Ben!” Annie had stopped in her prancing.

  “A

  mechanic! “

  “A garage owner, he has his own garage, and this is only the beginning.”

  “He couldn’t even get his A-levels.”

  “No, he couldn’t even get his A-levels. But nevertheless

  he’s got a head on his shoulders, a business head, and before many years are over he’ll have garages in every town both sides of this river; he’ll be another Adams and Gibbon, or better. “

  “Adams and Gibbon! That’s got to be proved. As I see it now, it’s just high falluting thinking.”

  “Well, if it is and he only has the one place he’ll still be well off, because I might as well tell you now, so’s it won’t come as a shock to you later, he’ll have all I’ve got when I go all of it!”

  “OH MAM!”

  Yes, oh mam. Tom there’—she nodded to her son-in-law, who was looking at her now from under his brows Tie’s able to provide you with all you need, and more, and when Ben gets my money he’ll be able to provide Pat with all she’ll ever need. But as I see it he’ll be doing that off his own bat afore long. “

  “You’ve always cared more about him than any one of us, Pat or me or.. oh!”

  Mary looked at her daughter, and she thought, She looks just like me ma in 1933, and she said, “He’s been as a son to me, Annie.”

  “And I’ve never been as a daughter You were married when you were hardly nineteen, and before that you were spoilt by your father, by your gran da and your Uncle Jimmy.”

  “But never you?”

  “Well, somebody had to keep you in order.” And she could have added, “Try to erase your grandmother’s traits that were very evident in you from a child.”

  “Where’ve they gone, do you know, Mam?” It was Tom speaking now, and she answered, “Yes, I know, Tom, but I’m not going to say. They’ll be back at the end of the week.”

  “Where’re they going to live?” It was a demand from Annie.

  “Above the garage; they’ve got it all planned “ Above the garage! “ Annie tossed her head scornfully to

  SOS

  one side and gazed up at the ceiling, and Mary put in quickly, “Yes, above a garage; not forgetting, Annie, that you were brought up above a shop, and it didn’t do you any harm.”

  “She’s different.”

  ^es, she’s different,” said Mary sharply now, Taecause she doesn’t want to get away from her early surroundings. As strange as that may seem to you, she wants to live in Jarrow, because she was happy here.

  She was born here, she feels part of the place. Newcastle was like a foreign country. An’ the University. oh, it’s all right for some, but she didn’t fit in. “

  “Not fit in? With her brains!” Annie’s head was swinging from shoulder to shoulder.

  “Not fit in! She could have fitted in anywhere Cambridge, anywhere. And now to live above a gar....”

  “Stop it, Annie. Stop it. She can still use her brains.”

  “On what, I ask you, a baim a year?”

  “Well, she could do worse.”

  “That’s a matter of opinion.”

  “All right, it’s a matter of opinion. You have yours, and I have mine.”

  In the silence that followed Tom’s quiet voice put in, “What are you going to do, Mam, now that you’re on your own?”

  “Live, I hope, Tom,” she answered.

  “Where?” Annie’s voice now prodded her like a skewer being rammed into meat.

  “I don’t know yet.” Mary’s answer was sharp, and loud.

  “Then I think it’s about time you did, if you say they’ve now told you you’ve got to be out of here in a month.”

  “Well, I’ve got a month then,” said Mary.

  “I’ll find some place. If not, I’ll put the furniture into store, the bits I want to keep, and then I’ll have a look round. That is, after I’ve had a holiday, a long one, perhaps touring ... round the world. Why not? I’ve promised myself this for years.”

  “Touring! On your own?” Annie’s voice was scornful.

  Yes, I’m past school age. But what am I talking about anyway, school age! The youngsters hitch-hike across Europe, so I suppose a boat or a plane will take me. “

  “Oh! come on.” Annie’s voice brought Tom up slowly from his chair.

  Looking at Mary, he smiled gently as he said, “Well, if you’re stuck, Mam, you know where to come.”

  “Thanks, Tom.”

  Annie came and stood in front of her now, her mouth a thin line, and wagging her head while she blinked the tears from her eyes she said, “I’ll never forgive you, Mam.”

  “I know that, love, I know that, but at bottom, Annie, what you want, and what I want, what we all want, is Pat’s happiness, and if she’s going to be happy with Ben, and she is happy with him, then we should all be happy.... And what you don’t know, lass, is she’s been in love with him for years, chasing him for years.”

  “Oh, Mam! my Pat chasing Ben? Talk about imagination!”

  Yes, talk about
it. Anyway, as I said, as long as she’s happy why should we tear each other’s eyes out? “

  “It’s the way it’s been done, underhand.”

  “Well, if they had tried to doit straight you’d have put your spoke in and spoilt things. I’m sorry, I’m sorry’—she raised her hand But you know yourself you would; if you’re honest with yourself you know you would.”

  “I’m going.”

  Mary leant forward and kissed the stiff cheek and smiled as she said, “Try not to hate me too much. And about me will, I’ll leave you enough to buy a stick of rock. But don’t think you’re going to get it just yet.” She poked her daughter in the shoulder, and Annie flounced round and went out of the room.

  When Tom came towards her and kissed her gently, he whispered, “She’ll get over it.”

  “I know, Tom.”

  “Tell Pat I’m glad she’s happy.”

  Mary put her arms around her son-in-law’s neck now and

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  they hugged each other, and she said, in not too Iowa voice so that it would carry to her daughter, “I know one thing, Tom. My daughter was damned lucky to get you, and if she’s wise she’ll mind her p’s and q’s and hang on to you. With this self—service divorce business now and women snatching at blokes right, left and centre, she should look out.” She now pulled a face at him and stabbed her finger towards the open door, and he doubled his fist and wagged it at her, and they both suppressed their laughter. I . I’,” When they had gone Mary slowly sat down on the couch and gazed at the fire. There was a strange, soft hush over the house and she attributed it for the moment to the snaw that was falling and had been doing so all day. There was no sound of footsteps coming from the road or the street. Yet as she listened to the silence she knew it wasn’t caused by the muting of the snow, but by the absence of people in the | |p” house.