by Mikki Sadil
He came back on the phone. “Don’t get snippy with me, AJ. Coming home isn’t going to solve anything. Mom and I have talked all we can. We had agreed to get some things settled before we talked to you kids. Your mother was supposed to wait until I could be there, too . Of course, she always has to have things her way.” I could hear the sarcasm in his voice when he talked about Mom.
I was mad, now. “Don’t blame Mom. Andrew heard her talking on the phone to you, and he told me a little while ago. That’s when Mom came in and said you were getting a divorce. Now the twins know, too. How could you hide this from us?”
“AJ, this is your mother’s and my business. It has nothing to do with you kids, until decisions are made. You can’t change what is happening, so don’t try to put me on some kind of guilt trip.” I could feel the anger in his voice.
I was just as mad. “It has nothing to do with us? You’re our parents, of course it has to do with us. I don’t know what you mean about a guilt trip. You and Mom owe us an explanation, and if that’s making you feel guilty, that’s too bad!”
He didn’t respond right away. I wondered if he had hung up, since I’d never talked to him like that before. When he spoke, his voice was cold. “I’m in Florida, so when I get back to San Francisco, I’ll see what we can work out for you kids to come out here so we can all talk about the situation. In the meantime, you’d better think about that tone of voice, young lady, because it won’t get you anywhere. I have to go now.” The phone went dead in my ear.
I stared at the phone in my hand. He hung up on me! Obviously, whatever he was doing…or whoever he was with…was more important than me. He didn’t want to talk to me, and he was in a hurry to get off the phone. I looked at the clock. It was eight-thirty here, so if he was in Florida, it was about ten-thirty there. Too late for him to be at the office. Maybe he’s out on a date, said my little voice. No, no date! He’s probably just at a dinner meeting. Yeah, right. Ten-thirty is a little late for a business meeting, even if it was over dinner. And besides, who was the woman with him? And why was she even there at ten-thirty at night?
Just shut up!
It wasn’t just the divorce. I wanted the chance to tell him about all the awful things going on in my life. I wanted to be able to talk to him like I had done all my life. That is, all my life BTA. Before The Accident. I realized he probably wouldn’t want to listen to me, now. After all, he sure didn’t the few times he was here.
* * * *
The next morning was gray and cool, and that suited my mood just fine. I showered, put on my old jeans and boots, and pulled on a sweatshirt. I opened my door to see the twins standing there, Sarah with her hand raised to knock.
“AJ, we want to talk to you,” Suzanne said.
“It’s about Mom and Dad,” Sarah said.
I looked at them in astonishment. This was the first time I had heard a complete sentence from either of them in, well, in a long time. I started to push past them, but I took a good look at my little sisters, and my heart melted. Their eyes were wet with tears, and they had such sad looks on their faces I couldn’t stand it.
“Okay, come on in. We’ll talk, but I don’t know any more than you do.”
They sat down close together on the floor, and I sat on the edge of my bed. I said, “Look, guys, this is all I know. Mom and Dad are getting a divorce, Dad is moving back to San Francisco, and I guess we are staying here. Don’t ask me why this is happening, I don’t know. But…I thought you didn’t care about Dad anymore?”
Sarah sniffed. “We—we still love him, but…”
“…he’s just not around anymore,” Suzanne sobbed.
“Parents are supposed…” Sarah whimpered.
“…to stay to—together.” Suzanne wiped her cheeks, but tears were rolling down both their faces. I slid off the bed and put my arms around them. They cuddled up to me, and began to cry in earnest. I wanted to throw something. I wanted to shout and yell “I am so mad at you” at the top of my lungs. Our parents didn’t care how much they were hurting us; all they cared about was themselves and what they wanted to do.
“Stop crying, please stop. Listen to me,” I said fiercely. “Don’t you worry, I’m your big sister, and I’m not going to let anything hurt you. We’ll be okay, I promise you.”
A few blubbers and sniffles later, the twins pulled away and we all stood up. They went into their room to blow their noses, and I stood looking at myself in the mirror. You’re so dumb, I thought. How can you keep this from hurting them? You don’t even know what to do about the mess with the J’s and Celine, so what are you going to do about a divorce? Yeah, AJ, said the little voice, just what are you going to do now?
For a moment, I wanted to be ten years old again and have someone take care of me. I stuck my tongue out at the reflection in the mirror, wrinkled up my nose, and walked away. At least it was Saturday, so I didn’t have to see or talk to anyone, or try to explain anything. But I was sure that by Monday, the whole school would know that the D word was being said in my house.
Chapter Six
Sunni
When I went downstairs, Mom said, “AJ, do you want to talk now, without screaming at me?”
“No,” I replied, as coldly as I could. “I talked to Dad last night. When he gets back from Florida, he’s going to send us plane tickets to San Francisco. Maybe then he’ll tell us the truth about everything. Right now, I don’t want breakfast, I’m going out to do my chores. And then I’m going riding.”
Mom didn’t say a word, but she had a hurt look on her face.
Actually, I was hungry, but I was just stubborn enough not to want Mom to know. I sneaked an apple when she turned away, yanked on my jacket,, and went out to the barn. Andrew was already mucking the stalls. When he saw me, he leaned on the rake, his blue eyes sad.
“Look, AJ,” he began, but I interrupted him.
“Just shut up, Andrew. I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want to talk. Leave me alone.”
I grabbed another rake and stomped down the breezeway. I threw open Sunni’s stall door and pushed her aside. Before I knew what she was doing, she had stuck her nose in my pocket and had my apple between her teeth. Chomping loudly, she politely stepped out of my way so I could clean up her poop. Aaghh. Great, now I don’t even have anything to eat. On top of everything else, I’m going to starve to death.
A couple of hours later, I was through with my part of the barn chores, so I took Sunni out to the hitching post and began saddling her up. Andrew slouched against the barn door, a piece of hay drooping out of the corner of his mouth and his cowboy hat pulled down over his eyes. Oh, for crap’s sake. He must think he’s somebody out of a cowboy movie.
I refused to look at him until he broke the silence. “Look, AJ, just get over yourself for a minute, okay? Think about it…Mom and Dad haven’t really been together for over a year, in fact, not even for a long time back in California, so what are you so shocked about? Quit being such a brat.”
He was right, and I knew it, but I wasn’t ready to let go of my self-pity. I put my foot in the stirrup and swung into the saddle, pulling my cowboy hat down on my forehead before taking up the reins.
“Forget it. I don’t want to talk now. I’m going for a ride.” The air was crisp and cool as we galloped along the base of the hills, and seemed to be getting colder by the minute. I wished I’d put on a heavier jacket and my riding gloves. Eagles and hawks were riding the thermals, and the turkey vultures kept diving down into the dirt to see if there was any road kill for their breakfast. I ignored them. All I wanted to do was ride long enough to allow some of this pain to drain out of me. I couldn’t think about anything except that soon my parents wouldn’t be together anymore. But they are not together now. Aaaggh! If I could only shut that little voice up.
Finally, I pulled Sunni up, dismounted, buried my face in her mane, and started to cry again. Eventually, I stopped, pulled a much used hanky out of my jeans, and blew my nose.
So, okay
, things won’t be much different than they have been for the last couple of years. Except that now I have to face up to the reason. I wonder if they will ever tell us the truth about why they’re splitting up.
I sat down and leaned against an outcropping rocks. I pulled my hat down over my eyes and just let my mind wander. I might even have fallen asleep for a short time.
It wasn’t until I stood and mounted Sunni that I realized we had come a lot farther than I’d ever been before. I was not in familiar territory at all. The hills had become steep and rocky, climbing upward to become part of the Rocky Mountains. The terrain was more precarious than I was used to, and on top of that, the sky was filling with dark clouds .The smell of rain was in the air and I could see flashes of lightning in the distance. That’s when I noticed that Sunni was breathing heavy and beginning to sweat.
“Oh, Sunni! I’m sorry, girl. We’ll take it easy going home. We’ll walk for now so you can rest.”
Just as I said that, a huge roar of thunder ricocheted back and forth between the mountains and a streak of lightning flashed right in front of us. Sunni reared, whinnied with fear, and bolted for home. Rain exploded out of the clouds, soaking us both in seconds. I pulled hard on the reins, shouting “Sunni, whoa!” She paid no attention. She was terrified of storms, and her fear was making her run faster than ever. It was all I could do just to stay in the saddle.
“Sunni, whoa! Please whoa!” I screamed at her, but as the thunder bounced against the mountains and lightning sparked, she took the bit between her teeth and began running full out.
I was so scared my teeth were chattering. The icy rain made it hard to hold the reins, and I realized how stupid I had been to gallop so far from home. Sunni was out of control, and I knew that by the time we got home, she could be in trouble. And it was all my fault.
It wasn’t until we reached the gate to our property that Sunni slowed down, but once we were through, she raced on to the barn.
As I was drying the mare, Andrew came into the barn. “AJ, where have you been? You’ve got Mom and the twins worried to death, and Lisa and Amberley have been calling for hours. My gosh! What’s wrong with Sunni? What happened?”
Sunni heaved a great sigh, went down on her knees, and over on her side before I could stop her. She was wheezing and shivering, and I knew she had gone down with colic, the number one horse killer. I covered her with horse blankets and Andrew ran to call our vet. I made some warm mash and tried to feed it to her, but she turned her head away. I started to lay across her to try to get some warmth into her body, but since I was soaking wet I thought better of it.
Andrew sat down and put his arms around me. “AJ, Dr. Cross will be here in ten minutes. Sunni’s going to be okay.”
I leaned against him. “Andrew, it’s all my fault. I felt so awful, I let Sunni out and let her gallop. We went a lot farther than we’d ever gone before, and just as I was getting ready to come home, the storm came and she went crazy. I couldn’t stop her. I tried, honest, but she wouldn’t listen.” I was shivering from the cold, but nothing was as cold as the feeling in my heart.
For once, Andrew didn’t say anything, he just sat holding me. Dr. Cross drove up and came into the stall with his bag. He took one look at me, and told Andrew to get me out of the barn.
I had dry clothes on and was in the kitchen drinking hot cocoa when Dr. Cross walked in the back porch. He shook the rain off and accepted the cocoa Mom offered him, but said he was too wet to come on into the kitchen. His voice was serious.
“AJ, I’ve given Sunni a steroid shot to help with her breathing, and a tranquilizer to calm her down. Leave her alone for now, just make sure the blankets stay on her. I’ll be back in an hour, and we’ll try to get her up and walk her for a while.”
“Dr. Cross, she is going to be all right, isn’t she?” I could only get a whisper out.
“I don’t know. I can’t guarantee anything. You know with colic we should be walking her to prevent her intestines from twisting, but she’s so exhausted she can’t even stand up now. We’ll wait a little while and then see if we can get her up. Everything depends upon that.”
He put his empty cup down. “I’ll be back soon. Try not to worry too much, AJ.”
Ha!! I was already sick at my stomach from fear and worry. Mom came over and gave me a hug, and although she didn’t say anything, I could see by the look on her face she was both worried about me and furious with me.
I went up to my room and curled up into a ball on my bed. I loved Sunni with all my heart. She couldn’t die, she just couldn’t. I was so scared my chest felt like it was on fire, and it was hard to take a breath. I turned over and looked around my room. I felt like it was closing in on me. The bright red Valentine boxes I had always loved seemed to be mocking me now. I walked to the bookcase and swept my arm across the shelves, knocking the boxes on the floor.
“It’s all your fault,” I screamed at the picture of my dad. “If you weren’t getting divorced this would never have happened. If Sunni dies, I’ll never forgive you, never ever. I hate you, I hate chocolate, I never want to see these boxes again as long as I live.”
I threw myself down on the bed again and must have cried myself to sleep, because the next thing I knew, Mom was shaking me.
“AJ, come on, wake up. Dr. Cross is back and he needs your help with Sunni.” I could tell by Mom’s voice that if I had wanted any comfort from her, I wasn’t going to get it. I saw her look down at the mess of red boxes on my floor, but she didn’t say anything. I slid off the bed, grabbed my jacket, and ran out to the barn.
I walked into Sunni’s stall where Dr. Cross was standing with a worried look on his face. He had pulled her blankets off, but she was making no effort to get up. Her breathing was labored and her eyes were dull.
“AJ, it doesn’t look good. See if you can get her up. We have to walk her or she is in big trouble.”
Andrew said, “Come on, AJ, you get at her head so she can see it’s you. You pull on her halter and the doc and I’ll try to get her hindquarters up.”
It took only a few minutes to get Sunni up on her feet, but it seemed like hours. She stood on wobbly legs, her head hanging, and her breathing short and labored, but at least she was standing. I attached a lead line to her halter and tried pulling her out into the breezeway. At first she resisted, but then took a few halting steps. I talked to her softly, trying to keep my voice calm and steady. I knew if she picked up on my fear that would make her even more nervous. Dr. Cross stood back and watched me. “That’s good, AJ. Keep talking to her and walk her until I get back.”
An hour later, Dr. Cross came back from his rounds to give her another tranquilizer. “All right, we’ve gotten her this far. But you’ve got to keep her moving, don’t let her stop or try to lie down. The next few hours will tell the tale, whether we’re going to get Sunni through this or not. I’ll check in with you later on tonight.”
I thought the night would never end. Andrew and the twins offered to help me walk her, but I needed to be with her. I raised Sunni all by myself. Her mother had been struck by lightning when Sunni was only three days old. Nobody thought a nine-year-old kid could raise a foal that young and then go on to train her to be a National Champion. But four years ago, I had done just that, and now no one but me was going to take care of her.
Sometime later, Mom brought me out a sandwich. “AJ, you’ve got to eat. Here, let me take Sunni while you sit down and rest for a minute.”
I refused to sit down, but I took the sandwich and ate it while we continued to walk. Mom looked at me, gave a big sigh, and went back into the house. Almost immediately she came back.
“Honey, Dr. Cross called. He said to put Sunni’s blanket on her, and if she’s breathing better, you can let her lay down.”
That was good news. We had been walking for more than three hours, so Dr. Cross must think she was going to be okay. I noticed that she had started to limp but I didn’t pay much attention because I thought that she was ju
st tired. She was breathing more normally, so I put a dry blanket on her and led her back to her stall. She lay down with a sigh and stretched out full length. I was still scared to be away from her, so I tossed some fresh shavings into one corner, gathered up some old horse blankets,, and lay down. I think I was asleep before I had them pulled over my head.
When I woke up, the sun was streaming in through the open doors of the barn, and Sunni was standing at her feeder, eating her morning alfalfa. I threw my arms around her neck and hugged her until she tossed her head, letting me know that she loved me too but enough was enough. I took her blanket and hood off, and began brushing her. When I ran the brush down her legs, I noticed that one seemed a little warm, but I figured that was because of all her running the day before. It was a warning bell but I didn’t pay attention.
When I walked into the kitchen, Mom said, “Honey, you look really tired. You shouldn’t have stayed in the barn all night. How does Sunni seem this morning?”
I dropped into a kitchen chair. “She’s up and eating her hay like nothing was wrong. I had to stay with her all night, Mom. I was so afraid she was going to die.”
Mom reached over and gave me a hug. “Andrew told me what you said about being so upset over the divorce. I’m so sorry your father and I didn’t talk to you kids from the beginning. But we had things we had to work out first…things just between us that had nothing to do with you kids. I realize that at least I should have spoken about this before now. Look, we’ll sit down this evening and talk it out some. In the meantime, you need to call Amberley and Lisa and set a practice time up for today. They’re a little upset because you weren’t around yesterday.”
Lisa was snotty when I called her. “Well, you finally got around to calling. You are the one who made a big deal out of our practicing, and then you are not even home. I wasted my whole day waiting on you. Would you care to explain why you did not call?”
