Keeping Her

by Allie Everhart

  When we got back to Connecticut, Rachel tried to get back to normal, but she couldn't. She was so sad and so depressed. Christmas was her family's favorite time of the year, so the fact that this happened during the holiday season made it even worse.

  A few days before Christmas, she asked me to get a tree. I didn't think it was a good idea, but I got one anyway because she asked. I know nothing about Christmas trees so I ordered one and had it delivered, already decorated with lights. Rachel cried when she saw it, which I knew would happen. It just reminded her of her mom and all the years the two of them decorated the tree together. When I saw how upset it made her, I went to toss it out, but she stopped me, telling me her parents would be disappointed if she didn't have a tree at Christmas. So we kept the tree, but didn't put out any other decorations.

  Christmas Day we stayed home and watched movies. Rachel didn't want presents, saying it would just remind her of opening presents with her parents, which is what we would've been doing if the accident hadn't happened. But I did give Rachel another ornament for the tree. A crystal angel that I bought months ago. Little did I know how much that angel would mean to her. She said it would always remind her of the year that God took her parents to be with her sister. Although that's not a good thing, Rachel, who always finds a silver lining, said that her parents and sister are reunited in heaven now, and that the ornament symbolizes the angel they sent down to watch over us now that they no longer can.

  When Christmas was over I got rid of the tree, but before I could pack our two ornaments away, Rachel took the angel and set it on the fireplace mantel in the family room, saying she's going to leave it there year-round to watch over us. Then she took the other ornament I bought her the previous year, which she calls the Christmas star, and she had us make a wish. I don't know what Rachel wished for, but I wished for something good to happen to her that would take away her pain and make her feel happiness again.

  My wish came true a week later, when we found out she was pregnant. The doctor said Rachel conceived at the end of November. Rachel and I both knew it was the night before her parents died.

  Rachel was ecstatic when she learned of the pregnancy. She said it was a gift from God. He couldn't take her whole family and leave her with nothing, so he gave us this gift. The baby she so desperately wanted.

  The pregnancy has been difficult, as the doctor predicted, but not as bad as we thought it would be. Rachel was on bed rest for the first four months, but was able to have limited activity up until the eighth month. Then she returned to bed rest, and now here we are. It's August 22nd and she's having the baby. Hopefully very soon.

  We don't know if it's a boy or a girl. Rachel wanted it to be a surprise. But we already picked out names. Lauren Elizabeth if it's a girl, Elizabeth being Rachel's mother's name. And Garret Evans if it's a boy, Evans being Rachel's maiden name.

  I'm hoping for a girl. If I have a daughter, she might have to marry one of the members someday, which is bad, but it's better than having to actually be a member, which would be the fate of my son. Unless the rules change. I still hold out hope that they will, and that my child's fate will be his or her own.

  "She's ready," the doctor says to the nurses standing next to her. Then she looks up at Rachel. "Rachel, the baby's almost here so I'm going to need you to push when I tell you to, okay?"

  She nods. "Yes."

  "You can do this," I tell her. "You're almost done. And then we'll meet our baby."

  She smiles weakly as she squeezes my hand. I've found that mentioning the baby helps Rachel more than anything else I tell her. She'll go through anything for this baby.

  "Okay, Rachel," the doctor says, "it's time to push."

  I remain at her side, and the pushing seems to go on forever. Then finally, the baby is born. We hear it crying.

  "Boy or girl?" Rachel asks, smiling, as tears run down her cheeks.

  Please be a girl. Please be a girl. I've been chanting this in my head all day.

  "It's a boy." The doctor holds him up. "A healthy baby boy."

  I should be happy right now, and I am, but I'm also terrified. A baby boy. Who will someday be a man and be forced to join Dunamis.

  "Let me see him," Rachel says, reaching for him.

  The nurse is wiping him off. I look back at Rachel and notice that her face is losing color and she's breathing faster.

  I rub her arm. "Rachel? Are you okay?"

  As the nurse goes to hand her the baby, Rachel passes out, her head and arms collapsing back.

  The doctor bolts up and starts grabbing surgical tools and says something to the nurses but I couldn't hear what she said.

  The nurse holding the baby races out of the room.

  Machines are going off, beeping and making alarm sounds.

  "What's happening?" I yell at the doctor, my eyes on Rachel who's still unconscious.

  "Rachel." I brush the hair off her sweaty forehead. "Rachel, sweetheart, wake up."

  "Get him out of here!" the doctor says. "Now!"

  The nurse comes over to me and grabs my arm. "You need to leave. This is an emergency."

  "No! I can't leave her!"

  "Sir, you'll only make it worse. Let the doctor do her job."

  The door to the room swings open and a whole team of doctors and nurses rushes in.

  A male nurse replaces the female one and yanks harder on my arm. "Sir, you can't be in here."

  There are people surrounding Rachel's bed and I can no longer see her. The male nurse practically drags me out of there, stopping when we reach the waiting room.

  "What's happening?" I ask him. "No one will tell me anything."

  "Your wife is losing a lot of blood. They're trying to stop the bleeding."

  "And if they don't?"

  "We'll give you an update as soon as we have one."

  And then he takes off and goes back in the room.

  What the hell just happened? The baby was born. Everything was fine. And then it all went to hell within seconds.

  I walk down the hallway, nervously pacing the floor, my heart pounding, my hands fisted as anger overtakes me. How could they leave me out here without telling me anything? They need to tell me what's happening. Give me an update. Anything!

  The nurse said Rachel is losing a lot of blood. People die from losing blood. What if she…? No. She can't die. She can't. She's my everything. My life. If she dies, I die. I was dead before I met her. She saved me. She brought me life. She can't die.

  I'm not religious. I never pray. But right now I'm praying. I sit in a chair in the hall and close my eyes and think the words. Please don't take her. You already took the rest of her family. Please don't take Rachel too. I'm begging you. Please don't take her from me. I am nothing without her. And I can't raise this child on my own. He needs her. He needs his mother. And I need her. Please don't take her from us.

  I open my eyes when I hear a cart being wheeled down the hall. I can't see what's on it, but the person pushing it takes it into the room Rachel is in. I get up and hurry back down toward the room. I can't see inside it. I hear voices but I can't hear what they're saying.

  I walk back to the waiting area. It's filled with new fathers and fathers-to-be, surrounded by their families. Parents, brothers, sisters, cousins. All those other men have people waiting with them. But not me. I have no one. Jack and Martha are on vacation in Europe. Rachel's parents are dead. And my parents want nothing to do with me. I'm sure they heard Rachel and I were having a baby. The way people gossip, my parents likely found out as soon as we started telling people. But they never called to say congratulations or to ask how Rachel was doing. We heard nothing. Not a single word.

  So here I am. Alone. Waiting for news.

  Rachel shouldn't be here. This hospital isn't good enough. She needs to be someplace better. She needs to be at the Clinic, where she'd be getting the best care in the world. But I can't take her there because she doesn't know it exists and she's not allowed to know. It's supposed to b
e a benefit of membership and yet I can't share that benefit with Rachel, which infuriates me. She's stuck getting care at a regular hospital with incompetent doctors and an idiotic staff that refuses to keep me informed of my wife's condition.

  I continue to wait, staring at the door to the room she's in, not knowing if she's dead or alive.

  Ten minutes later, Rachel's doctor walks out of the room.

  I race over to her. "What is it? What happened? Is she okay?"

  "She's stable."

  I exhale the breath I feel like I've been holding since the moment I saw Rachel collapse.

  "Let's talk privately," the doctor says.

  I follow her down the hall to another room. It looks like a small private waiting room, with just a few chairs lined up on each side. Is this where they give people bad news? Is that why we're in here?

  "What happened to her?" I ask the doctor.

  She sits down and motions me to do the same. "Your wife was hemorrhaging, which is rare, but does occasionally happen after giving birth. But her case was more sudden and severe than I've seen in the past. Her blood pressure plummeted rapidly and became dangerously low."

  "Low, meaning she could have died?"

  "When the blood pressure drops that low, then yes, that can happen. But luckily, in her case, it didn't. We were able to get the bleeding under control and her blood pressure is returning to normal. We'll be keeping her here for a few days to make sure she's okay."

  "Can I see her?"

  "Not yet. The medical team is still in there with her and then we'll need to monitor her. You can wait in here if you'd like. I'll let you know when you can see her, but it may be a while." She gets up and opens the door, then looks back at me and smiles. "It looks like there's someone here to see you. Congratulations, Mr. Kensington."

  She leaves and a nurse walks in, pushing a rolling bassinet. She sets the bassinet beside me and picks up a baby wrapped in a blue blanket with a blue cap on his head.

  It suddenly hits me. That's MY baby! I haven't even seen him yet, other than a quick glance right after he was born.

  The nurse holds him out to me. "He's all yours."

  My arms remain at my sides. "Yes, um, I'm not quite sure how to hold him."

  "You didn't go to the baby care classes?"

  "I did, but that was a long time ago. And I held a doll, not a real baby."

  She smiles. "Just cradle your arms, like I'm doing. And make sure to support his hand."

  I nod. "Yes. I remember now. Support the head." I take him from her, feeling very nervous. He's so tiny. I'm afraid he'll slip right out of my arms.

  "You're a natural," she says. "That's exactly how to hold him."

  "He's very small."

  "He's eight pounds, nine ounces. Twenty-one inches long. He's right within the normal range. He's a very healthy baby." She walks to the door. "I'll let you have some time with him. Congratulations, Mr. Kensington."

  "Thank you."

  The door closes and I'm left alone with this tiny infant. A baby boy. My son. Garret Evans Kensington.

  I gaze down at his face and feel myself smiling. He's perfect. A beautiful, healthy baby boy.

  His eyes are closed and he's softly breathing. What do I do? Should I talk to him?

  I went to the baby classes with Rachel but I didn't really pay attention. The instructor went too fast and then people would interrupt her with questions, so I doubt I retained more than ten percent of whatever was said. And I didn't read the baby books. Rachel did. I didn't think I needed to read them. I assumed Rachel would just show me what to do.

  But the doctor said Rachel will be in the hospital for days, which means I'll have to take the baby home. By myself! I can't do that! I can't care for a newborn by myself. And I can't hire a nanny. Doing so would upset Rachel. She's told me she doesn't want someone else taking care of our child. I don't either. I trust no one, and I definitely don't trust a stranger to take care of my infant. What if the person stole him, demanding money in exchange for his return? Or what if the nanny took him and disappeared? No. A nanny is not an option. I'll just have to figure this out myself.

  I look down at the baby. "Hello, Garret. I'm your—" I stop when I see his eyes flutter open. He heard my voice and opened his eyes. I smile even wider, then hold him up and gently kiss his cheek. "I'm your father."

  His eyes remain open. He has bright blue eyes that match his mother's. He's watching me, almost like he knows who I am. Rachel used to have me talk to her stomach. I thought it was silly, but perhaps he heard me. Maybe he recognizes my voice.

  His eyes fall shut again, and as I hold him in my arms and look at him, I feel this overwhelming love. I wasn't sure how I'd feel when I saw him but I wasn't expecting this. This is overpowering. A love that fills my soul. A love that fuels an intense protectiveness. A commitment to give him the best life possible and to ensure that no harm ever comes to him.

  "Garret." I run my finger over his cheek and his eyes open again. "I don't know how to be a father, but I promise you, I will do the very best that I can. And I will always protect you. I will never let them have you."

  But what if I can't stop it? What if I can't get him out of the organization? What if the rules never change?

  They have to change. I won't allow my son to become one of them. I won't allow him to know what I know, and see what I've seen. I won't let him develop a dark side and be forced to do bad things. I won't let him suffer the unending guilt that comes from taking a life. The guilt I feel every day.

  No. I won't let that happen.

  Garret is my son, but I will never let him become me.

  From the Author

  This series, The Kensingtons, is a spin-off of The Jade Series but you do not need to read The Jade Series in order to read The Kensingtons. If you're not familiar with The Jade Series, it's the story of Pearce and Rachel's son, Garret, and a girl named Jade.

  Book three of The Kensingtons is coming soon! Check my Facebook page, website, or Twitter for the release date as well as teasers and excerpts.

  Author Allie Everhart Facebook page

  http://www.facebook.com/AuthorAllieEverhart

  Website: allieeverhart.com

  Twitter: @AuthorAllie

  Other Books by Allie Everhart

  Choosing You

  Knowing You

  Loving You

  Promising You

  Forever You

  Finding Us

  Becoming Us

  Always Us

  Garret: A Jade Series Companion Novel

  Needing Her