A Family-Style Christmas and Yuletide Homecoming

by Carolyne Aarsen

  But she didn’t dare say so, and so far he hadn’t expressed how he truly felt about her. Once before she had made a mistake and wasn’t eager to spend another few years of her life wondering about another relationship.

  If she were to face the truth, she would realize that she was afraid to push Simon too hard. She knew enough about his life to know that Simon was afraid to tie himself down. Buying this house could be a signal that he was ready to do so, but then again, Simon was a consummate businessman. It could just be another investment.

  Caitlin turned back to the view, frustrated with herself, frustrated with emotions she couldn’t control. Please Lord, she prayed, wrapping her arms around herself, show me what I should do. I’m confused. I’m afraid I love him, and I’m afraid that love will go nowhere. Help me to trust You, help me to be satisfied with Your love first and foremost.

  “We should be getting back.”

  Simon’s voice broke into her prayer, and she turned to face him, forcing a smile to her face. He only stared at her, his own expression slightly dazed. Then he abruptly turned around, the sound of his booted heels echoing in the silence of the house.

  Caitlin followed him more slowly, glancing over her shoulder once more at the remarkable room with the wonderful windowed nook.

  Then she relegated her own wisp of a daydream back where it belonged. Reality.

  “So, what’s the verdict?” Simon asked as they drove away from the property.

  Caitlin craned her neck for one last look then turned to Simon. “I think you should buy it. If nothing else, you could turn it into a bed-and-breakfast.”

  Simon pursed his lips, nodding at her suggestion. “Could do that.” He glanced sidelong at her, then quickly away again. “I’d have to find someone to run it for me, though.”

  Their conversation seemed to carefully pick its way through dangerous territory, Caitlin thought. Simon hardly dared say that he might want the house for himself and she didn’t dare suggest it. To do so would give a wrong signal, create a misunderstanding.

  How she hated this stage of the relationship, she thought. She had gone through it enough times with Charles, she should be good at it. The hesitation, the uncertainty. Wondering if you were presuming too much. Wondering if it was going to go beyond a few kisses, a few casual dates.

  In spite of all the gains women said they had made in terms of equality over the past few years, they hadn’t made many strides when it came to women being able to read men, or vice versa.

  He pulled up in front of her house and Caitlin turned to him, deciding to stick her neck out a bit. “Would you like to come in? It’s my mother’s birthday party.”

  Simon shrugged, biting his lip as he looked past her to the house.

  “I can’t intrude on that.”

  “You don’t intrude on families, Simon,” she said quietly. “Just come in for a quick cup of coffee. Say hi to my parents, wish my mom a happy birthday.”

  Simon blew out his breath in a sigh, still contemplating.

  Please, Lord, let him say yes, she thought. She wanted him in her home. She wanted him to meet her family. In some foolish way she felt it would show her whether she was wasting her time or not.

  She didn’t want to feel that way about Simon because in spite of her doubts, she knew she was falling in love with him.

  “Okay,” he said quietly, giving her a quick grin. “I’ll do that.”

  Caitlin let out her breath, not even aware she was holding it. Then with a grin she couldn’t suppress, she got out of the car, waiting for him to catch up to her and together they walked up the path to her home.

  As soon as they opened the door, Caitlin wondered if she had made a grave mistake. She heard the unmistakeable tones of Rachel’s laughing voice, Jonathon’s deep one and those of her grandparents’.

  “Got extra company,” she said with forced brightness as they walked in the door. Caitlin took his coat and hung it up in the cupboard in the entrance. Then taking a breath for courage, walked through the arched entryway into the living room.

  “Oh, hi, Caity,” her mother said from the couch directly facing the opening. “I’m so glad you made it back. I...”

  But whatever she was about to say died on her lips when she saw Simon. She glanced back at Caitlin with a puzzled look, then back at Simon.

  Caitlin almost groaned. She just knew her mother was mentally comparing Simon to Charles.

  “Everybody,” she said encompassing the entire room with a casual wave of her hand, forcing an overly bright smile. “I’d like you to meet Simon.”

  The introductions were made. Simon was gracious. He wished Caitlin’s mother a happy birthday. He was witty and made Rachel laugh. Rachel tossed Caitlin a bemused look but thankfully was politeness personified when introduced.

  Caitlin kissed her grandparents and listened to her grandfather’s usual doctor joke. Grandma gave her a kiss and asked when she was coming over again. Her mother couldn’t hide her surprise. Thankfully her father covered up by clearing the newspapers off a love seat, indicating they should sit there.

  A moment of silence followed as Caitlin and Simon sat down, then...

  “Do you want some birthday cake and coffee?” her mother offered both of them.

  “How is work going?” Rachel asked Caitlin with a knowing smirk.

  “So what do you do?” Jonathon asked Simon at the same time.

  “Where did that dog go now?” her father muttered to no one in particular.

  The dog was retrieved from under the couch and sent downstairs to sulk. Her mother left to get Simon and Caitlin each a cup of coffee but not before she threw Caitlin a slightly puzzled look.

  Soon the usual ebb and flow of family conversation filled the room again as Caitlin answered the “duty” questions about her work from her grandparents and asked after Rachel’s health. From that the topics ranged from the traffic coming off the ferry to politics to the best way to get rid of fleas on dogs. Caitlin laughed with her sister, answered her grandparents’ frequent questions and occasionally glanced sideways at Simon. He was talking to Jonathon, but would, from time to time, look at her. His expression was unreadable, and Caitlin felt a stirring of disquiet. When he smiled it was forced. As he sat drinking his coffee, he sat on the edge of the couch, as if ready to bolt.

  Simon finally finished his coffee, set down the cup and then stood up. “Mr. and Mrs. Severn, it was nice to meet you and best wishes again on your birthday,” he said, his voice achingly polite. He said his farewells to the rest of the family and with a quick look at Caitlin left.

  She followed him, her discomfort growing.

  “What’s wrong, Simon?” she asked as he pulled his jacket off the hanger in the entrance. He glanced over her shoulder at the group who she knew was watching them. She lowered her voice. “Did someone say something wrong?”

  He snapped up his coat, the sounds echoing in the quiet. “Come say goodbye to me outside,” he said, turning to open the door.

  Caitlin hugged herself against a sudden chill as they stepped outside, closing the door quietly behind her. “What’s the matter?”

  He shoved his hands in his coat pocket, the overhead porch light casting his face in shadows. She couldn’t read his expression, couldn’t understand what precisely was happening, but her inner sense told her it wasn’t good.

  “Nothing’s the matter. Your family didn’t say anything wrong. They seem like wonderful people.”

  She relaxed at that, her shoulders losing their tension. “I’m glad you like them.”

  “I do. You’re a lucky woman, Caitlin.” She could see his careful smile. “No, not lucky. Blessed.” He leaned closer and touched his lips to hers. A brief kiss, gentle and soft.

  Then he turned and sauntered down the walk to his car, got in and drove away.

&nb
sp; Caitlin watched his rear lights until he turned, then she leaned back against the door.

  He had denied it, but she knew, deep inside, something had happened. Something very wrong.

  * * *

  It had been seventeen days, Caitlin figured, glancing at the calendar hanging on the wall in her parents’ kitchen. Seventeen days since Simon had walked away from her standing on her parents’ porch.

  And he hadn’t called.

  How could she have been so stupid? she thought. Simon had dangled her along from the first time she met him. Back and forth, back and forth. Like she was some kind of fish on a hook. A kiss here and there, a serious conversation and then he pulled back again.

  A sucker, she thought angrily, pushing her chair back and getting up, that’s what she was. First Charles, now Simon. It seemed it was her fate to end up with guys who were afraid to commit.

  She glanced at her watch. In an hour Danielle was going to pick her up to go Christmas shopping. And she dreaded it.

  The season had sneaked up on her, she thought with a rueful shake of her head. Usually she was in the thick of preparations, helping her mother bake and putting up decorations long before it was time.

  But not this year. This year it was a chore, a burden to get even the most simple of tasks done. The Christmas spirit was decidedly missing in her life.

  And she knew exactly why.

  She had prayed, had read her Bible, had talked to her sisters, but she couldn’t seem to get around the problem of her love for Simon. Because much as she didn’t like to face it, she did love him.

  She wasn’t able to analyze exactly why. He was exasperating, complicated, troubled.

  But each time she thought of him, it was with a trembling heart and a yearning to be with him again. He made her complete, whole.

  She wandered around the house, from the kitchen to the living room. A Christmas tree sat in one corner, a few presents under it already. Her mother had made up arrangements of cedar and candles and laid boughs of cedar on the mantel of the fireplace. Clusters of cedar bound with bright red ribbon hung on the wall bracketing an embroidered nativity scene her mother had done years ago.

  The aroma of cedar and fir filled the house. Her sisters were on the phone every other day, making plans, gearing up for another Severn family get-together. Tony had even called, much to her parents’ delight and surprise.

  Caitlin wondered if anything had ever come of her phone call to Simon’s brother.

  And then she thought of Simon. Again.

  She was tired of feeling this confused and frustrated. She walked back to the kitchen and taking a steadying breath, sat down by the phone. She knew his number by heart. Sad, really.

  It rang once, then again and she wondered if he was on the road, wheeling and dealing again.

  On the fourth ring, someone picked up.

  Even over the sterile medium of the phone line, his deep voice could give her shivers, she thought fatuously.

  “Hello, Simon. Caitlin here.”

  Silence hung heavy over the line.

  “Hello, Caitlin.”

  She wished she could see his face, wished she could see his expression. But all she had to go on was his voice. And that didn’t sound too welcoming.

  She decided to forge ahead. “I hadn’t heard from you in a while,” she said. “You must be busy,” she added hopefully.

  “Yeah.” Silence again.

  “I was wondering if that was the reason I haven’t heard from you.”

  “Well, things have been hectic with that new apartment block.”

  “What about the house?”

  “I’ve decided to give it a miss. Didn’t seem like a good investment.”

  “I see.” And she did. Silly as it sounded, the house seemed to represent settling down, a desire on his part for more than a sterile apartment. Her silly fantasy had been just that. She would have gladly shared that home with him. But Simon only saw opportunities.

  “Look, Caitlin. I’ve got to go. Oscar is coming pretty soon....”

  “Am I going to see you again?”

  A hesitation, then Simon cleared his throat. “Caitlin, I’m sorry.” He paused, and in that moment Caitlin felt her throat thickening, choking her. She swallowed and swallowed, afraid of the next words, willing them out of him, yet at the same time wanting to slam the phone on the hook so she wouldn’t hear them.

  “Caitlin, it just isn’t going to work between us,” he continued.

  “Explain that, please,” she said abruptly. How could he say that? They had shared so much. She remembered reading Isaiah to him, talking to him, sharing. She felt more complete with him than she had with Charles, with any man she had met.

  “You’re a great person and you’ve got a lot going for you....”

  “Spare me the platitudes, just give me the truth.” She forced the words out, clutching the phone so hard she was surprised it was still intact.

  “I have nothing to give you Caitlin.”

  She forced a laugh. “Whatever do you mean, Simon? I thought you had quite a bit of money.”

  “I know money isn’t important to you, Caitlin. But I know family is. And I can’t give you that.” He paused. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t you dare hang up yet, you coward,” she blurted, hardly believing she actually spoke the words out loud. “I don’t know where you come off thinking that family is like a dowry, an endowment you bring to a relationship. I know where you come from. I know where you’ve been....”

  “No, you don’t Caitlin.” Simon’s voice was hard now. “You don’t know and don’t presume to think you do.”

  “Do I need to experience precisely the same thing to be able to understand you?” She got up, pacing back and forth, trying to find some outlet for her anger, her frustration. “I have agonized over our relationship. I have wondered what I really feel for you. I’ve lain awake nights over you, I’ve watched over you. I’ve prayed for you and loved you. And now you so casually tell me ‘it won’t work’ just because I have a family and you don’t. I’ve been told by one ex-boyfriend that ‘it won’t work’ because I don’t want to move, but never because I happen to come from a loving home.”

  “You really don’t understand, do you?” he growled. “It’s over, Caitlin.” He hesitated while Caitlin drew in another breath to give him another blast. “It’s over.” Then unbelievably, she heard a click of the phone in her ear. She looked at it, dumbfounded, then slowly hung up.

  She turned around, walked upstairs to her bedroom, sank down on her bed. Then she buried her face in her hands and wept.

  She cried for herself, for Simon and his confusion and for the pain she heard in his voice. She cried for all the brokenness in this cold lonely world that created people without families, without a parent’s love.

  When the worst of her heartache had flowed over her and dissipated, she lay back on the bed, her eyes sore from the sorrow, staring sightlessly up at the ceiling. In spite of her own sorrow, she couldn’t help her prayer. Please be with Simon, she whispered. Please show him Your love and Your comfort. Help me to understand. Show me what to do. Somehow, she knew she and Simon weren’t finished yet.

  * * *

  Simon laid the phone down and pressed his fingers against his eyes. He sucked in a deep breath.

  I’ve prayed for you, loved you.

  Caitlin’s words were spoken in anger, but he heard the absolute sincerity behind them.

  He knew he had done the right thing by breaking up with her. He knew any relationship with Caitlin would go beyond casual. All the way to marriage and what kind of father would he be? What did he know of parenting, of how families worked? He came from nowhere and had nothing.

  Sitting in Caitlin’s house with her family had reminded Simon far too vividly of
each time he was moved into a new home. Those first few weeks of uncertainty, of trying to figure out how this family worked, of wondering if this was going to be a good home or bad home. The feeling of not belonging, of being on the outside of a family that had been together long before him and would still be together after he left.

  He had spent half his life outrunning responsibilities, the ties that a family like Caitlin’s entailed would bind around him. He hadn’t given himself time to maintain close friendships, hadn’t bothered to get to know anyone other than Oscar on the most casual basis.

  Somewhere in Alberta he had a brother he hadn’t talked to in so long, he wouldn’t even know how to begin reestablishing their long-lost relationship. There was no forgiveness for that long a silence and he knew it.

  The end result of all that was he had nothing to give Caitlin.

  I’ve prayed for you, loved you.

  Her words echoed through his mind. Blowing out a sigh, he dragged his hands over his face then looked up.

  He needed to get some work done, that’s what. He never spent this much time contemplating his own life before. Never gave himself enough time to do it.

  He flipped on the computer and as he waited for it to boot up, picked up the estimate a contractor had sent him on renovating the apartment block in Nanaimo. Under the file folder lay a Bible.

  Simon glanced at it.

  He remembered a quiet voice reading to him through the delirium of his fever. Comfort, comfort ye my people. Words that soothed, filled, smoothed the rough places of his life. Caitlin had stayed at his side then, as well.

  Simon didn’t deserve her, he knew that. But he also knew that he couldn’t put her out of his mind. It was sheer cowardice on his part that kept him away from her. He hadn’t been able to run, but he had retreated.

  But oh, how he had missed her. He knew he cared for her more deeply than he had for anyone. He knew that every time he thought of her, his heart ached. Love shouldn’t hurt, he thought. Love was supposed to be a soft, gentle emotion, not these hooks that dug into his heart.

  Frustrated with his own thoughts, he picked up the Bible, leaned back in his chair, crossed his legs at the ankle and started leafing through it.