She didn’t respond or look up.
Did she not register my question or was she purposely ignoring me?
“Mom?” I repeated and touched her shoulder.
She stopped stirring and looked past my shoulder, still avoiding eye contact. “Huh? What honey?” she asked quite innocently.
“Mom, Mitchell and I decided I’m moving back in for a while,” I started. I might as well cut to the chase.
She turned back toward the stove, “Why would you do that?”
I recognized her irritated tone and leaned back on the counter to give her some space.
“Well, you won’t have to worry about taking care of this big house and yard by yourself. I would keep you company and we could have dinner every night, for starters.”
“I’m a grown woman, Alexis. You don’t need to worry about me,” she replied flatly without turning her attention away from the stove.
“I know you’re fine, but won’t you be happier with someone here instead of being all alone? What happens if you have another episode?”
“Alexis, the answer is NO. End of discussion,” she snapped back, still facing the stove.
I turned around and walked into the dining room. I wasn’t sure why she was against it. I thought she would be thrilled to not be alone.
I sat at the table and sorted through her mail, throwing out the junk, and pilling the bills and statements. Still needing to burn off some steam, I headed out to water the plants in the backyard. A little while later, she joined me outside. We sat down on the porch and made small talk, but we never discussed her moving in or the panic attack again. Soon after, I headed home.
Chapter 4
I lay in bed and watched the blades on the ceiling fan spin around and around. I was excited and hopeful to see Orion tonight. The anticipation of another visit was one of the few things I looked forward to lately. Yes, a visit and not a dream, because it wasn’t a dream… or maybe it was… I wasn’t sure where it was or what it was, but deep down I felt with my entire existence that I was THERE. Maybe somehow when I slept, my mind was caught in a different world while my body was stuck in this one.
I thought about the details of our visits. Our time together seemed to grow longer with each passing night. Each time I appeared near him too - he was my magnet, drawing me close. When I was there, I felt more alive than in my own world. I felt whole. Complete. When I was away, a strange anxiety swam inside that I couldn’t shake. And I couldn’t stop thinking of him. In a way it was a blessing to feel a connection this strong, or maybe a cursed obsession I was powerless to resist. Either way, I was damned.
I looked over at Mitchell and felt a pang of guilt for wanting to see Orion. I loved Mitchell and he loved me, but it wasn’t the same with him. What I felt with Orion made Mitchell feel like a kindergarten crush. The lust and constant obsession was overwhelming. And it was more than that. My conversation with Mitchell was sparse. On the contrast, when I was with Orion, we never stopped talking. The conversation flowed so naturally with him. Everything felt so natural with him. In Mitchell’s defense, he had been by my side for as long as I can remember. We know everything about each other, so naturally we wouldn’t have much to say to each other anymore. But when I thought about it, we really didn’t have that much in common anymore either. We didn’t like the same music. I loved to watch comedies and he liked to watch horrors. I loved fiction novels but he liked biographies. He was genuinely kind with a positive outlook and I was sarcastic and pessimistic. Maybe opposites do attract, but do they stick? Do they form a solid foundation that lasts?
I stared back at the fan and counted how long I could focus on the turning blades without blinking. Soon, my eyelids grew heavy and I slowly drifted away into the welcoming blackness.
The next moment, I was sitting on a medium-sized fishing boat, somewhere in the ocean. Orion turned toward me. His welcoming smile sent my heart into flutters. He was wearing a tan canvas river guide hat, a simple white T-shirt and kaki pants.
“Hi,” he greeted.
“Don’t I ever startle you?” I asked.
“No. I pretty much expect you around this time,” he answered and gave a wink.
He expected me. I like that.
I wondered if he looked forward to our visits the same way I did, or were my constant interruptions just an inconvenience that he was stuck with. He looked happy to see me, but maybe that was his normal demeanor.
A wave rolled by.
“Ugh.” I held my stomach and focused on the floor of the boat.
“What’s wrong? Are you sick?” his voice was marked with concern.
“I’m fine,” I stammered.
I tried to play it down and released my midsection while attempting to sit up straight. I gazed across the sea and couldn’t see any land in sight, only crystal-clear water disappearing against the horizon. The boat slowly swayed back and forth, following the swells of the ocean. My mouth watered and whatever leftover food in my stomach began to slowly creep up. I swallowed hard and tried to fight the urge to vomit. Orion was studying my face as I tried to hold a blank expression. He laughed and put his hand on my knee.
“You’re sea sick,” he stated.
“Sorry,” I replied sheepishly.
“It’s not your fault. We are a little ways out so it may take some time to get back. There’s a bed downstairs. You’re welcome to lie down,” he offered.
“I’ll be fine. I get nauseas, but rarely throw up,” I fibbed.
There was no way I was going to waste this precious time laying down, unless it was with him. Besides, what if I fell asleep? Would I wake up back home? I wasn’t in any mood to test that.
“What are you fishing for?” I asked, trying to ignore my disequilibrium.
“Sea Bass. Do you fish?”
“No, never have actually,” I admitted.
“Well then, this is your lucky day! You get to learn something new,” he proclaimed. He sounded even more excited than I felt about learning to fish.
“I never said fishing was on my list,” I teased, “but I am willing to give it a try. Maybe it’ll distract my stomach,” …and my lust.
It really didn’t matter what he planned on doing, I was happy just being near him. Orion motioned for me to sit on the bench next to him and then he handed over the pole. I grabbed the handle and waited studiously for his instruction. He placed his hands on my shoulders and shifted his body directly behind mine. My heart instantly raced from his touch. Scooting close, he wrapped his arms around me from behind, moving my hair over one shoulder so he could see. His body pressed against mine from behind. I felt his warm breath on the side of my face. Its sweet scent overpowered my mind, transforming my thoughts to mush and sending euphoric sensations throughout my body. The nausea ceased instantly and was replaced with butterflies. I was so nervous that the tip of my pole began to quiver.
Geez, calm down already!
I grasped the handle harder with both hands, hoping he didn’t notice. He placed his hands over mine and repositioned my hands to the correct spots. He leaned in to begin the casting instructions. His soft voice vibrated against my neck and ear. I had no idea what he said - that luscious scent and the feel of his body close to mine overpowered any thought. If I turned my head toward him, my face would be right against his. I would be breathing his breath… my lips would be mere inches from his. If I turned and gazed into those eyes, would he kiss me? Fighting against the urge to turn, I kept my head as still as possible.
Focus on his instruction, Alexis.
He moved my fingers to the bail and the fishing line. With a smooth gentle stroke, we cast the lure into the water. He let it sink for a few feet then reeled it back in.
“Your turn,” he said, and slid away from me, giving enough space to cast on my own.
Oh great… I wasn’t paying attention enough to do this on my own.
Trying to recall his instruction, I concentrated hard and attempted to mimic his cast. The hook nearly hit him
then landed in the water only a few feet away, line loose and half coiled.
“Not… bad…” he choked out. “You’re now fishing,” he smiled, as he helped me tighten the line and set the pole in the holder.
I smiled back at Orion’s refreshing enthusiasm. It left me feeling warm inside. It was as if his happiness flowed into me, instantly lighting me up. I turned around to face him, now that he wasn’t so dangerously close.
“Well, you are such a great teacher,” I complimented him with my best luring smiling.
“Wait until I teach you something a little more challenging, then we’ll see if your opinion changes,” he teased.
“I doubt my opinion of you will ever change,” I countered, a little more serious this time.
He hesitated in his response as we held each other’s gaze. His eyes were powerful – I could have sat there all day... and night for that matter... and get lost in their beauty. They shimmered in the sunlight and the multitudes of colors danced against the water.
“And what is your opinion of me?” he asked.
This time I stayed locked at his stare, “When I am with you, I feel like the person I should have been - my true self. You ignite this spark in me, like fire from the sun.”
Even through his bronzed skin, he slightly blushed and looked away, breaking the connection. As soon as the words escaped, I regretted speaking them. My face grew red hot from embarrassment. I was never good at thinking before I spoke.
“I…” I muttered and squeezed my eyes shut, not sure what the rest of the sentence was. I shifted away and peered out at the water, too embarrassed to look at him.
Great job… he probably thinks you’re such a loser.
“Thank you. That was quite a compliment,” he softly replied.
I half-glanced in his direction and his attention was back on me. “I was just speaking the truth,” I affirmed, shifting back toward him slightly.
Something moved out of the corner of my eye that broke the conversation. I turned my head and saw the fishing pole jump again.
“Look’s like you’re about to catch your first fish!” Orion announced as he grabbed the pole and handed it to me.
“Uh, I don’t know what to do,” I stammered as I took the rod, standing there dumbfounded.
“Quickly reel in the line until it’s tight to secure the hook. Then draw back on the pole and begin to reel in the fish. Don’t force it. You want to tire the fish before reeling it in completely,” he instructed.
I was hoping he would jump up, wrap his arms around me and show me, but he was letting me do it myself.
Oh Great…
I followed his coaching and after a long minute, saw the fish flopping frantically out of the water on the end of the line. As I swung the line over the edge of the boat, Orion reached up, grabbed the fish, and took over the process of removing the hook. He threw the fish into a compartment in the boat and wiped off his hands.
“Congratulations fisherman,” he beamed with pride.
“That was actually fun,” I answered, surprising myself. I had completely forgotten about being seasick.
“When we get back, I can show you how to clean it,” he said, waiting for me to cringe.
“That’s a deal,” I said. “If I’m still…” I stopped mid-sentence. I didn’t want to ruin the mood.
He caught the gist of my thought and finished for me, “If you’re still around.”
I didn’t confirm. I didn’t need to. We both knew our time with each other was attached to an unknown stopwatch; limitations we didn’t know or understand.
Orion caught the mood shift and decided to change it back. “Have you ever snorkeled?” he asked with a smirk that I knew meant, ‘Do you want to snorkel.’
We reached closer to the shoreline before he anchored the boat and handed me the snorkel and mask. He had an extra pair of cotton shorts and shirt that I changed into downstairs. I tied the drawstring as far as I could but wondered if the shorts would stay on in the water. I jumped into the sea and was pleasantly surprised by the warm water, given our close proximity to the mountains. I wasn’t sure geographically where we were.
I floated on the surface of the water and tasted the salt on my lips. The buoyant salt water held my weight effortlessly. We swam near a shallow cove that presented an enchanting world below with coral reefs rich with life. The reefs were full of formations in hues of oranges, yellows, purples and greens. Countless varicolored fish swam around me. Their beauty was mesmerizing.
Orion was a natural, diving down to explore the sights below. Whenever I attempted to dive below the surface, I ended up with a mouthful of salty water and decided it was best to stick with floating on the surface. I had no idea how long we explored. Time stood still when we were together. I wondered if he felt the same way.
Eventually, we headed back to shore. Orion was determined for me to gut and clean my first catch and I was determined not to wake up. We arrived at his doorstep not long later. My curiosity to see the inside of his house was piqued. He held open the door for me and I nearly pummeled him over to get inside.
The entryway led to a large open room, partially separated by a floor-to-ceiling double-sided stone fireplace. A thick beige rug sprawled across the bamboo floor in the living room. A dark patterned couch and love seat with a burgundy accent chair were huddled around a rectangular coffee table. A tall lamp carved from stone stood near the couch. The side facing the ocean had several large arched windows, which let in enough light to brighten the entire room. Another wall held a bookshelf that housed several hundred books. The walls were made of cedar with vaulted ceilings that bathed the room in a rich aroma.
A dining room table and buffet sat in the adjacent room past the fireplace. The kitchen extended further and wrapped the two rooms together.
“Welcome to my home,” he said.
“It’s beautiful. Very natural and comfortable,” I complimented as I surveyed the room. I instantly fell in love.
“I’m glad you like it. Let me show you to the bathroom. You can hop in the shower to rinse off if you’d like.”
“That sounds great,” I smiled, and then suddenly realized what I must look like. My hair was partially dried with clumps of hair tangled in a salty mess.
I followed him down the hall as he gave a quick tour. There were two bedrooms, each with their own full bathroom, and an oversized den. He left me in the second bedroom to shower as he went into the master bathroom. I had to admit it - I was a little excited knowing that he was undressed in the shower right down the hall from me.
I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the stoned walk-in shower. I quickly washed, not wasting any precious time, and then changed back into my dry clothes. I heard Orion’s shower turn off. I started rummaging through the bathroom drawers in hopes of finding a hairbrush. I reached for the second drawer but my hand slipped straight through. Before I could comprehend what was happening, I was staring at the ceiling.
I turned over and saw Mitchell sound asleep. The early morning light meant it was close to dawn. I closed my eyes tight and tried to fall back asleep, but it was no use. After twenty minutes I gave up and sat up in bed. My entire body ached from head to toe. I stretched my sore muscles and struggled out of bed. The moment I put pressure on my feet, flashes of pain shot through the joints of my ankles and knees. I buckled from the pain but caught my fall. I straightened back up and took another step. It felt like I was walking on bruised feet and damaged legs. I hobbled to the bathroom and dragged myself into the shower… again.
Unfortunately, the shower did not give me any desperately needed energy. I turned off the water and stepped out onto the cold tile floor. Water dripping, I walked across the bathroom, scoured through the cabinet and draped a towel across my tired body. I towel-dried my sopping wet hair and flung the towel on the floor, attempting to cover the trail of water leading from the shower. Usually, I would jump to wipe up the wet mess, but today I just stared at the towel and walked over it, leaving
it on the floor.
I threw on some clothes and dragged my body across the hall. The aching knots in my stomach summoned me to the kitchen. I grabbed a bowl from the cabinet, milk from the fridge and poured some cereal. I pulled out a spoon from the drawer and flopped down at the breakfast bar to eat. Every bite took effort as I ate with my left hand, using my right hand to hold up my head. The puffy skin around my tired eyes burned and began to twitch from exhaustion.
I forced my head upright, trying not to slouch over so much. The sun shone through the kitchen window, casting a faded rainbow across the counter. Thinking some fresh air might help, I sauntered outside to the courtyard. The flowers were in bloom and the trees covered with leaves, but it all looked dull and faded. I sighed and walked back inside.
The rest of the summer flew by in a haze. Each night I visited Orion’s world and each day I dragged myself through mine. As time went on, I felt more energized when I was with Orion and more exhausted when I awoke. We explored different regions of his world and shared many stories from our lives and dreams for our future. He loved to sit outside and play the guitar and I loved to lie on the grass and listen to the soft melodies, lost in his music. He taught me about farming and gardening, although I had yet to test these new skills out at home.
Mom was doing a little better, but was still distant. Mitchell was immersed in his studies, which I didn’t mind so much. His growing concerned with my constant exhaustion and, in his words, my ‘pessimistic outlook on life’ was more annoying than endearing. He insisted I see a doctor but I refused, brushing him off with random excuses. I knew I was running on fumes, but it was worth the price to venture into my other world. Besides, even if I wanted to take a night off and sleep, I didn’t have a choice. Unbeknownst to me, I continued on this unknown path, hopeful its reason would soon be unveiled.
Chapter 5
I sat on the beach with my feet partially buried in the warm sand. Gently waves danced against the shoreline, bringing me peace. I watched Orion through a window in his house for several minutes before rising to join him. I started to cross the beach, when I felt a sudden urge to stop. An invisible pull from the left of the shore called me closer. I turned toward its direction and spotted a cave carved into the cliff. I never noticed it before, although I had never been known as observant. Curiosity or maybe something else, urged me forward.
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