Aside from Kurt, no one else had known about us. The only evidence that we had ever been anything more than physics partners lived inside the box I held in my lap. The notes he had written and passed to me when the teacher wasn’t looking. Ticket stubs from the few movies we had seen together, making out in the back row of the theater. A mixed CD with songs that had seemed to be written just for us. And a picture– the only picture of us together that existed– with our arms around each other and adoration in our eyes.
I stared at that picture for a long time. With all that had happened since that day, I barely recognized the girl that smiled back at me. I wanted to go back in time and save her from everything that had yet to happen to her.
I probably could’ve stayed lost in my memories for hours if I hadn’t been interrupted by a pounding on my door. Numbly, I set the box aside and shuffled to the door.
“Charley?” Nick’s beautiful, concerned face studied me from the other side.
“Nick. Come in.” I stepped back, letting him enter.
Over his shoulder, I could see prying eyes fighting to get a shot of us. I slammed the door and flipped the lock into place.
Nick had stopped just inside the door and was staring at me like I was a stranger.
“Did I know you were stopping by?” I asked, still dazed.
Nick frowned. “I tried calling you a dozen times and when you didn’t answer, I started to worry.”
“Sorry.” I tried to remember where I had left my phone. “I was busy.”
“You look like crap,” Nick said.
My eyes flashed. “Thanks, jerk. I just got done with a five-mile run.”
“Just got done?” Nick glanced at me suspiciously. My sweaty clothes and hair had long since dried. “That’s not what I meant anyway. You look like you’re in shock or something.”
“It’s been a long day.” I wasn’t ready to talk to Nick yet about what I had been doing for the last hour or two. “I’m going to shower.”
“Okay.” Nick grabbed my arm as I started past him. “Hey, I’m sorry if I was a major asshole just now.”
I gave him a small smile. “You were only a minor asshole. But you weren’t wrong.”
“Yes, I was.” He pulled me close and kissed the tip of my nose. “Even when you look like crap, you’re still beautiful.”
“Yeah, yeah. You’re just looking for a shower invite.”
Nick grinned. “I wouldn’t say no…”
But just then his phone rang, and by the serious tone of his voice when he answered I knew he wouldn’t be joining me.
As I showered, I tried not to think about anything other than getting clean. I needed to get my mind in a good state if I was going to spend the evening with Nick and not have a mental breakdown in front of him. By the time I dried off and pulled on a pair of comfy sweatpants and my favorite faded t-shirt, I was feeling significantly more stable.
But then I entered my bedroom and found Nick sitting on my bed, reading through Ben’s notes. When he looked up at me, my heart dropped into my stomach. There was no avoiding the truth any longer.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Nick
“I see you made yourself at home,” Charley said stiffly as I stared at her.
“If you’re mad at me for snooping, then I’m sorry.” I held up the old, faded papers. “But I’m not sorry that I read them. It’s clear you weren’t planning to tell me about this on your own.”
She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me. “I told you about me and Ben.”
“You didn’t tell me everything.” I glanced at the notes again and felt a strange tightness in my chest. I didn’t like that Charley hadn’t told me the full truth.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know we were supposed to share every detail of our former lives. I suppose you’re planning to show me old love letters from Heidi?”
My face softened slightly. “These aren’t love letters, Charley. They’re threats.”
“So?” She shrugged. “We both know how it ended. Ben is dead and so is everyone else. The letters don’t mean anything now.”
“Then why did you keep them?” I gestured to the other items in the box. “Why did you keep all of this?”
“I don’t know why.” She shrugged helplessly and shook her head. “I don’t know why I made any of the choices that I made.”
“Look, Charley. I can’t make you open up to me. But I think you want to talk about this with someone, and when you’re ready I’ll be ready to listen.”
We stared at each other in silence, waiting for the other person to make the first move. Eventually, Charley said, “I need a drink.”
I followed her to the kitchen and waited patiently while she filled two glasses with a healthy dose of scotch. Then I took a seat in a chair across from her at the table and waited for her to begin.
She pulled her knees up to her chest and took a long drink. “I told you almost everything already,” she said, once half of her drink was gone. “Ben and I dated, we broke up, he tried to hit me, and then he shot a bunch of people. But I’m sure you saw the notes that he wrote to me in the couple of weeks before the shooting.”
I nodded.
“He basically told me exactly what he was going to do.” She took a shuddering breath. “And I ignored him.”
“Charley, I read those notes. It’s easy to see it now, after the fact, but there’s no way you could’ve known he was serious back then.” The notes had made me angry, but if I hadn’t known all the details I would’ve just assumed they were from a bitter ex-boyfriend.
“You don’t get it, Nick. I think I did know he was telling the truth.” She took a deep breath and then unleashed the whole story.
Every day, sometimes multiple times in a day, she found notes waiting for her in her locker. Most of them were just Ben’s attempt to win her back, quick I love yous and I miss yous. But some of them were much, much darker.
The first one of those had started with an idle threat about making her pay for hurting him. But they got progressively more violent. Ben threatened to hurt her, to hurt her friends. Those notes were scarier, but she still believed it was just his temper getting the better of him. She had no idea just how evil he could be.
But then a couple of days before the shooting, he threatened to kill her. More exactly, he threatened to shoot her in the heart. She had been so paranoid driving home, looking in her rearview mirror every fifteen seconds, expecting him to appear out of nowhere and make good on his promise.
Charley had come so close to telling her parents about the notes, but they still didn’t even know that she had dated Ben. Then the next day she got another note, only this one was worse. Ben threatened to kill her and everyone around her. It was pretty much a confession of his endgame, but she still couldn’t believe it was possible. She hadn’t known that those notes weren’t meant to be a threat. They were a promise. A promise that he kept the next day when he opened fire in a crowded cafeteria.
I listened to every word she said and kept my reactions to a minimum.
“The police never did figure out why Ben did what he did. They questioned everyone, but no one at school even knew about us. I had the notes. I could’ve given them to the police and told them everything. I know that I should have done that. I knew it then and I know it now.” Charley sounded surprisingly calm, her face betraying no emotion other than guilt.
“All those parents lost their kids and they never knew why.” She finished the last of her drink. “I’m the only one that holds the key to that mystery and I’m too selfish to do anything about it.”
“Charley,” I started, then stopped.
“You don’t know what to say, do you?” She gave me a faint smile. “Me neither.”
I sighed and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “I think you made the only decision you could at the time, Charley. What you went through was tragic, and the choices you made are how you were able to survive. No one can fault you for that.”
“I can.” Her voice cracked. “I need a refill.”
“Stay.” I took her empty glass. “I’ll get it.”
When I came back to the table, I sat next to her, rather than across from her.
“One thing you never answered– why did you keep the notes?” I asked.
“Right after it happened, I spent hours locked in my room staring at those notes. If I had told just one person about them, maybe Tim and all those kids would still be alive. It was my way of punishing myself I guess.” In one large gulp, she almost finished her refill.
“But ten years? That’s a long time.”
“It is. But it’s also such a brief time.” She closed her eyes for a few seconds and when she reopened them, they were filled with unshed tears. “After the first few months, looking at the other things in that box was the only thing that made me feel a little better. The other notes, the picture, those things were my proof that Ben hadn’t always been a killer and that I hadn’t been a complete idiot for falling for him.”
“You never really know what people are capable of doing,” I agreed.
“Helpful,” she joked without smiling. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“Are you pushing me away again?”
“I’m trying, Nick.” She took my hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “This is hard for me.”
“I know.”
After a long pause, she said, “I think you had a good suggestion when you told me I should get out of town for a few days.”
“Really?” I hadn’t been expecting that.
“Yeah. I think I’m going to go home for a while.” She studied our interlocked fingers. “The school is having this reunion thing. I’m thinking about going to it.”
“A reunion?”
“My ten year reunion, to be exact.” She looked at me as I did the math in my head. “It’s actually closer to ten-and-a-half years, but the committee didn’t want to have it too close to the anniversary of the shooting.”
“That makes sense.” I couldn’t quite force a smile. “It sounds like a good idea.”
She poked me gently in the side. “You don’t sound very happy about it.”
“If it’s what you need to do, I completely support the decision.” I dropped a kiss on top of her head. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t miss you.”
“Aw.” She looked up and fluttered her eyes playfully at me. “You’re going to miss me? How sweet.”
“You love teasing me.” I frowned. “Are you saying you aren’t going to miss me?”
“Are you kidding?” She sat up and looked me dead in the eyes. “I’m going to miss the crap out of you.”
“So romantic,” I said, but this time I had no trouble smiling. “Now that we’ve finished our serious talk…”
Her eyes narrowed. “You have something else in mind?”
“I have a few ideas, actually.” I stood and pulled her to her feet.
“Thank you for making me open up about everything,” she said, looking hard into my eyes. “It was good for me.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off her. “You’re good for me, Charley.”
“I’m not sure I deserve that,” she said.
“I’m sure that you do.” I brushed my fingers along her jawline. “Can we just stay like this for a while?”
“I wouldn’t move from this spot for anything.” She leaned into me, resting her head on my chest and I circled my arms tighter around her body. Charley wasn’t just good for me, she made me better as well. I had never met anyone like her and I was going to do everything I could to keep her.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Charley
The weather in Wisconsin was at least fifteen degrees cooler than D.C.
I had grown up in the state and spent my formative years there, yet I was still surprised by the drop in temperature.
My father had picked me up from the airport, hugging me fiercely and admonishing me for not visiting sooner. It had been five years since the last time I had stepped foot in Wisconsin and over a year since my parents had visited me in D.C. Dad looked significantly older than I remembered.
“Your mother has been getting ready for your visit since you called,” he said as he drove from Milwaukee to Danville. “It would’ve been nice to have more than 24 hours’ notice.”
“Sorry, Dad. I had some time clear up at work and thought it might be nice to see the family.”
“This doesn’t have anything to do with your newfound celebrity status, does it?” He glanced at me knowingly.
I pretended not to know what he meant. “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Sure you don’t.” Dad rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t help but notice that you traveled alone. Are you planning on introducing us to your new guy any time in the future?”
“It’s debatable.” Neither of us had to mention the fact that I had never introduced my parents to any of the men I had dated.
Dad let it drop at that, but Mom wasn’t nearly as agreeable. The next day, she was still bombarding me with questions about Nick. While it was annoying, I couldn’t exactly blame her. Everyone else in the country was digging into our lives, so it only made sense that Mom was interested, too.
“He’s very attractive,” she said as we drove home after dinner. Dad had a poker match with his buddies, so it was just the two of us. “Your kids will be adorable.”
“Wow, that’s not premature at all.” I stared out the window and willed myself not to reply with too much sass. My mother was actually a very sweet woman, even if she was incredibly annoying. “We only just started dating, Mother.”
“But it’s serious, isn’t it? I can tell.”
We were closing in on Danville High School and I could feel my heart begin to race. “We can do this later, Mom. Please just focus on getting us home.”
She paused for just a second and then said, “They’re dedicating the new cafeteria this week.”
My stomach clenched painfully.
“Apparently, the alumni from your class donated enough money to completely overhaul the old cafeteria. I hear it will be quite wonderful.”
After the shooting, the existing cafeteria had been shut down and boarded up. Over the summer, and old auditorium was converted into a new cafeteria, and that was where kids had been eating lunch ever since. Until now.
“I’m not going, Mom.”
It wasn’t hard to see through her fake nonchalance. She had been trying to get me to return to the school for years.
“It could be a good for you,” she said, glancing at me hesitantly. “Please consider it. Your father and I will be attending the ceremony tomorrow evening.”
Still, I said nothing.
“They are going to dedicate a plaque for Tim.” Her voice caught on his name and I blinked back tears.
“I just can’t do it.” I couldn’t explain it to anyone, the paralyzing fear I felt at the thought of stepping back into that school. “I’m going to the reunion. That will be hard enough, but walking back into that cafeteria… the place where Tim died…”
Mom reached over and grabbed my hand. “Okay. I understand. It’s okay.”
But it wasn’t okay. I wasn’t okay.
Being back in town, driving past the school, everything I had spent years running from was now smacking me in the face. By the time we got home, it was all I could do to drag myself upstairs to my old bedroom.
For some reason, I didn’t stop when I reached the bedroom door. I kept going until I was standing outside of Tim’s old room. I stepped inside carefully, like I was walking on thin ice.
The room hadn’t been changed in ten years. It was a shrine to the brother I had lost, a trip into a past that I could never quite forget. His old gym shoes waited at the foot of the bed, his varsity jacket over the back of his desk chair. The school had returned his book bag a week after the shooting and it sat in the corner, unopened.
For weeks after his death, I had come into his room every day and pe
rched carefully on the edge of his bed, staring at that book bag. I had longed to know what was inside, but had been too grief-stricken to find out. Today, that was going to change.
I knelt in front of it and took a deep breath before reaching for the zipper. Once it was open, all hesitation was gone. Now I had to know what was inside; I couldn’t stop.
Inside, I found familiar textbooks that Tim had left strewn around the house. Dried up highlighters and pens pooled in the bottom of the bag. A set of car keys that belonged to a vehicle my parents had long-ago sold. They were held together by a penguin keychain, my gift to him when he had received his driver’s license. Tim had always loved penguins.
A stack of notebooks revealed pages of his handwriting, tiny and slanted, but perfectly readable. In between the bottom two notebooks I found an essay he had written. Underneath the essay, I found an envelope. With shaking hands, I opened it and removed the card.
It was a graduation card that Tim had bought for me. My mouth dropped; Tim had never been good about planning for special occasions, but for some reason he had thought to buy me a card weeks before I graduated. Even more, he had taken the time to write me a message.
Sis- I’m not good at this sappy stuff so I’ll keep it short. As far as sisters go, you’re pretty great. Probably because you have such a great brother. Anyway, I’m proud of you and I know you’ll do remarkable things in life. Wherever you go, don’t forget about your amazing brother. I definitely won’t forget about you.
Love, Tim.
I could barely read the salutation through my tears. Suddenly, I was grieving Tim all over again and I doubled over as I sobbed. The tears came for what felt like forever, and I stayed frozen in that spot even after they stopped.
When my phone rang, I answered it with a hoarse voice.
“Charley? What’s wrong?” Nick asked in alarm.
“I don’t want to be here, Nick,” I said, still feeling numb. “This is too hard.”
“What’s too hard?”
I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see it. “Everything. Life.”
“Charley, what’s going on?” He couldn’t keep the worry from his voice. “Did something happen?”
Another Vice (Forever Moore Book 2) Page 11
