by Barbara Gee
“It’s okay,” she said before he spoke. “I’m sorry I freaked out a little on the phone. I’ll be okay, I promise. I don’t want you to worry about me.”
He saw the devastation in her blue-gray eyes, belying the brave front she was putting up. Even now, when he was here with the news she’d been dreading, her first concern was not being a burden to him. He loved her more right then than he’d ever thought possible. How could he walk away from this girl?
“I’m sorry, Iz. So sorry. I thought we’d have more time.”
She gave a jerky nod. “Can I take you to the airport? I’m sure Jolene will cover me for registration.”
He shook his head. “Luther has a helicopter coming. Ryan is going to take me to meet it down the road from the ranch so the noise doesn’t wake people up.”
Her chest rose and fell on a shaky breath as her eyes roamed his face. He knew she was trying to memorize his face, just as he was hers. As if he could ever forget.
“So this is it?” she asked softly.
He cupped her head in his hands. Isabella Harding had brought him back to life. He could only hope he wouldn’t end up ruining hers.
“This is it,” he confirmed.
“Be careful, Tanner. Be so, so careful, and promise you’ll come back, or let me come to you.”
“I will. I promise. If I can, I will.” He kissed her softly. “Don’t pine for me, baby. Live your life, do your thing. Laugh and enjoy it. That’s what I want, okay?”
She managed a tremulous smile. “I can do all that and still pine for you. I’ll miss you so much, Tanner. I’ll be counting the days, the weeks, the months.”
There were tears in her beautiful eyes, but they didn’t fall. Tanner wasn’t surprised. This girl was the most unselfish person he’d ever met. She wasn’t going to let herself be needy and demanding when he already had so much on his shoulders. He felt blessed way beyond what he deserved.
“I love you,” he said, hoping she knew he had never meant any words more. “Don’t ever, ever question how much I love you.”
“I won’t,” she promised. “Don’t be reckless, Tanner. I know you believe in the cause, but don’t try to do too much. Don’t sacrifice yourself needlessly. The world is a better place with you in it.”
“I’ll be careful,” he assured her with a crooked smile. “I want to come back, Izzy. You have to know I want to come back more than anything—to you.”
She hugged him tightly, pressing her cheek to his chest. “I’ll pray for you a million times a day. I want you to pray too. Even if you don’t think it’ll do any good, I want you to. I truly believe God will help you and guide you, and also protect you. Just be open to it. Let Him work.”
“I’ll try,” he told her. He meant it, but the truth was he’d probably tell her anything right now, just to ease her mind. He gave her another half-smile. “I’ll miss my verses of the day.”
“Remember the ones I gave you. Keep saying them.”
“I will.” He wove his fingers into her soft curls. “I have to go. I love you, Isabella. Be happy.”
The first tear spilled over. “I will,” she said thickly. “And I’ll be even happier when you come through the ranch gates again. You’ll need to have a talk with Luther then, too, because I’m not going to willingly let you go again.”
He kissed her gently, searing the feel of her soft lips into his brain. “Bye, baby.”
“Goodbye, Tanner. I love you so much. I’ll see you after you’re done saving the world.”
He pressed his face into her hair, inhaling her sweet scent. “It’s a date.” One more kiss, and he pulled away. At the door, he looked back at his gorgeous girl. Standing there in simple running shorts and a tank top, she looked perfect. Just the way he wanted to remember her. “Go for your run, Izzy. Run and let it all out, then go greet the veterans who need you. You need them, too.”
She nodded, gripping her upper arms and trying her best to smile. “Be safe,” she said one more time.
He returned her sad smile, opened the door, and left.
***
Izzy ran. With tears streaming down her face, she ran. Until she couldn’t run anymore, she ran. Then she sat beside a quiet road, no houses or vehicles in sight, and she cried until she couldn’t cry anymore.
Then she got up and started home. Back to do her duty. It was so strange to think that everyone else on the ranch would be going about their normal routines, the same as any other registration Monday. But for her, everything had changed.
It took longer to make it home. She’d gone too far and had to stop and rest several times, leaning over with her hands on her knees, taking painful breaths until she could push on once again. It was the best thing for her. Exhausting herself physically helped her mentally.
She finally made it back to her house and went straight to the shower, forcing her mind onto the upcoming registration. She went through the checklist in her head, making sure her department was ready. The participants were grouped, and the workouts were set. She was also ready for her first day-one presentation, which would be given in the afternoon, when all the adults attending the retreat would be gathered in the stands at the equestrian center to listen as each department presented their plans and goals for the next two weeks. Jolene and Lowell had always done that part before, while Izzy had handled the children’s activities in the gym. They had decided to switch it up this time, since the presentation would become her duty soon enough anyway.
Izzy was glad to have a jam-packed day ahead of her. It was the only way she could get through it without breaking down. She’d always loved the first day of the retreats, and she was determined to love this first day too, in spite of the way it had started off.
She couldn’t, she simply couldn’t allow herself to think about what Tanner was doing right now. She needed more time to get used to his abrupt departure before she could let her mind go there. It would happen, it was inevitable, but not now.
She dressed in her typical work attire of yoga pants and a sports tank, tied her sneakers, grabbed a couple granola bars, and drove to the ranch. The first thing she had to do was go say goodbye to her grandmother. Kay was scheduled to drive her to the airport, since Izzy’s day was so busy, and Irene was no doubt already packed and ready to go.
Izzy had decided to wait until her grandma was back home in Kansas before she told her about Tanner’s departure. Otherwise, Irene might insist on staying longer to keep Izzy company, and much as Izzy loved her, she didn’t want to have to deal with a guest right now. Not even her beloved Gran.
She needed all of her limited acting skills to get through the goodbye without Gran becoming suspicious, but she pulled it off. With that out of the way, Izzy went to the PT rooms to meet the rest of her staff for a department meeting. She kept her focus and the meeting went smoothly, so much so that Izzy was convinced none of her co-workers suspected anything was out of the ordinary in her world.
That feeling lasted only until Jolene came up to hug her, after Lowell and Spencer had left the room.
“Libby called me,” she said. “If there’s anything I can do, Izzy, just ask. I’m so sorry. I hate that you’re facing this. We all fell in love with Tanner, and you know we’ll be praying for him.”
Izzy fought to keep her emotion at bay, because if she started crying now, she might not be able to stop before it was time to go give tours and help people get settled in. She appreciated her friend’s concern, but short of inventing a time machine, there really wasn’t anything anyone could do.
“I’ll be okay. I’ll stay really busy these first few days, and I’ll gradually get used to the idea and settle into some sort of routine.” She managed a weak smile. “I have to. He could be gone for a year. I need to be able to function and not let myself dwell on him twenty-four seven.”
“I know the time seems endless right now, but you two are going to make it, Izzy. There’s not a doubt in my mind.”
But what you don’t know is that his life is g
oing to be in danger every single minute of every day!
Izzy wanted to scream that truth, but of course she couldn’t. “Thanks for your support, Jolene,” she said instead. “A day at a time, right?”
The other girl had tears in her eyes as she nodded. “Love you, Iz. Be strong.”
“No other choice,” Izzy said matter-of-factly. “We’d better get over to the admin building before Maddy sends out a search party.”
CHAPTER 22
Day one was almost over.
Izzy walked in her front door at ten o’clock, dropped her stuff on the counter as she walked past, and went straight to her bedroom to get ready for bed. She’d felt like a robot all day, but other than her friends, no one had seemed to notice. She’d pasted a happy smile on her face and interacted enthusiastically with the retreat goers, making sure she did her part to make each one feel welcome and excited about the weeks ahead.
The only time she’d broken down was when Andi came running into the cafeteria where she’d just finished a tour and pulled her into an empty room, enveloping her in a best-friend hug and sobbing out her grief for her friend. Molly had just told Andi about Tanner being gone, and she’d left everything and come to see if Izzy was okay and to let her know she was there for her, any time of the day or night.
Izzy had allowed herself a few tears, but then she’d pulled herself together again and assured Andi she was handling it. And she was. What choice did she have?
Now, she stood over her bed, her face scrubbed and her teeth brushed. The soft mattress beckoned, but it also repelled. Because once she laid down and turned off the light, she knew where her mind would go. She knew she’d finally give in to the fear she’d worked so hard to keep at bay. The heart-pounding, horrible, unbearable fear for the life and safety of the man she loved with all her heart.
She sank onto the edge of the bed and buried her face in her hands. I don’t know how to do this, Tanner. I don’t know how to get through a year of being terrified for your life.
Without even making a conscious effort to do so, she began praying for strength and courage. As she poured out her fears and insecurities, she ever so gradually calmed. She thought of the men and women who said goodbye to their loved ones serving in the military, heading to the front lines of an unpredictable and merciless war. She thought of those whose loved ones served as first responders, never knowing what the day might bring.
The fear she was suffering was nothing new for so many. She needed to face it, accept it, and get through it. It would never leave, and breaking down sometimes would be inevitable, but she wouldn’t let it control her.
That was what Tanner wanted, and that was what she would do for him. She’d make him proud.
She crawled between the sheets and laid her head on the pillow. After another minute she reached over and turned off the lamp, plunging the room into darkness. She closed her eyes and remembered the feel of his warm body against hers, the way his dark eyes looked just before he kissed her, and the way his lips felt on hers. Her own lips curved into a smile. This was what she would focus on in the dark of night. Not the fear. This.
She drifted off, the smile still on her lips.
***
Day seven was in the books.
A whole week since Tanner had gone, and Izzy was finding the routine she needed. He was always there in her mind, but she could push past it. She could still find joy in her work, she was able to concentrate and do a good job with each person, and she cared just as much about their progress as she always had. She spent time with Andi and the others, and had even gone to the Desmonds for lunch today after church, just like always.
Tuck and Ryan had taken turns calling her every evening, checking in to make sure she was okay. She appreciated it, but it was the hardest part of her day. They weren’t the kind of men to accept a breezy “I’m fine” and leave it at that. They asked whether she was eating and sleeping enough, and whether she was okay being alone at night. They wondered if she needed anything done at the house, and when she’d admitted that her new TV had arrived and was sitting it the box, they’d both shown up the next evening to mount it.
Their hugs had been extra hard, their smiles warm and understanding. “We promised Tanner we’d be here for you, Iz,” Ryan had said. “You need to let us keep that promise. Don’t hesitate to let us know when you need something, whether it’s just a listening ear, or something here at the house.”
“Maddy and Libby are on board,” Tuck added. “They know there are things you can only talk to us about, and they’re fine with it. They’re just as concerned about you as we are, you know.”
“I don’t want everyone to worry,” Izzy had said. “It’s much easier for me to get by if everyone just acts normal, and expects me to be normal, too. I’m not going to burst into tears five times a day, you know? I’m in it for the long haul.”
“As long as we know for sure you’ll seek us out when the bad times hit,” Tuck said. “Because they will, and holding it in isn’t the answer, you know.”
“I promise I’ll talk to you if it gets to be too much. And I promise I’ll call you when I need help here at the house.”
They’d accepted that, hugged her again, and then left her to watch a movie on her new TV. She chose a movie she’d already seen with Tanner. She pretended he was with her. She smiled when she got to the parts he’d laughed at, remembering how his strong arm had felt around her shoulders, and how good he smelled as she sat with her head against his chest.
So far her memories hadn’t faded at all, and she prayed they wouldn’t. Every evening she flipped through the photos on her phone, glad she’d snapped a few of him when she’d had the chance. Gosh but she missed him.
***
Three weeks down.
Tanner lay back on the hard bed, his hands behind his head. After two weeks of preparation, he had officially been undercover for a week now. He was already beyond weary, as sleep was rare for him in this house. He was one of the lucky ones with a bedroom to himself, but with eight men living under one roof, there was always some kind of commotion going on. Arguing, laughing, blaring TVs—not to mention the noisy escapades with girls who for some reason thought it was fun to be with men who got off on mistreating them.
It was obvious they were prostitutes, or “infidel whores” as the men referred to them, but Tanner had still been alarmed to hear what went on when they came over. No woman should be treated like that, paid or not. But as he’d tried to figure out ways to keep all females out of the house, he’d realized the same ones kept coming back for more, and in fact they seemed eager and excited to be there. Tanner didn’t understand it, but considering the women were there of their own free will, he chose to ignore it rather than risking his cover to protect those who didn’t want it.
Just another example of the kinds of decisions he had to make when undercover.
After several days of being in the house, the girls had propositioned him, too, begging him to join in on the “fun.” He’d refused and told the men to keep them away, as he was married to a girl who lived back in Iraq. He’d reminded them arrogantly that he was a true follower of fundamental Islam, and as such, he wouldn’t insult Allah by committing adultery with disgusting western women.
That had gotten them all off his back, for now.
He rubbed his eyes and tried to get comfortable on the bed, groaning when he heard the front door slam and the familiar giggling of girls who’d had too much to drink and were ready to get roughed up. The rules of the house prohibited them from being allowed anywhere but in the two back bedrooms on the first floor, but since Tanner’s room was directly above one of those bedrooms, the noise often kept him awake. It was only when he passed out from pure exhaustion that he got any rest. Any peace.
The leader of the cell, Ahmed Khalud, also lived in the house, but his bedroom was at the front and thus away from the noise. The man didn’t indulge in the debauchery himself, and Tanner wondered why he permitted it to go on under h
is nose. Bringing women who weren’t part of the cause to the house was a huge risk. Not to mention the fact that the men were usually good and drunk by the time the women left.
The radical groups Tanner had been a part of in the past had made a big deal about forbidding the consumption of alcohol. He knew not all followers of radical Islam banned the substance, but in his opinion, Khalud was foolish for allowing his men such free rein with both women and alcohol. What was to stop them from getting drunk and letting something slip that would make the girls suspicious? As if eight men living together in one house with all but two rooms locked and off limits wasn’t enough to raise a red flag.
Perhaps Tanner would one day have the chance to ask Khalud about that. For now, though, he had to play things very carefully. He hadn’t earned much trust yet, and Khalud hadn’t yet shared his plans with him. The only way to find things out was to keep his ears open. Just that morning Tanner had stood outside the kitchen and listened while the two youngest men in the house whispered excitedly about a big event that was being planned by the great leaders overseas. The two young men knew little more than that, and most of what Tanner heard was only speculation about competition between the cells, and visions of greatness should they themselves be awarded the grand task.
Tanner stored their ramblings away in his brain. Even though the men didn’t appear to know much yet, where there was smoke, there was fire. The first thin tendrils of smoke were beginning to curl through the house, and Tanner would be ready when it thickened.
The giggles, grunts, and cursing from the room below grew louder. Tanner rolled over onto his side and folded his thin pillow up over his exposed ear.
Had it really been only three short weeks since he’d left the ranch and the girl he loved? It felt like so much longer. What was Izzy feeling now? Was she already regretting her promise to wait for him, just as he’d feared she would? How would she feel if she knew he was now known as Aazim?
