These Are My Confessions

by Robinson, Cheryl; Smith, Meta; King, Joy; Parks, Electa Rome

  The more he talked, the harder I rode him and the more of his dick I took in, until I’d swallowed him whole.

  “Now,” he said, “right now. I’m getting ready to come. Do it now!”

  Reluctantly, I placed the belt around his throat and then tightened it. It felt powerful, mixing pain with pleasure. At first I didn’t think I could do it, but I kept thinking about the men who’d done me wrong, and somehow strangling him with that belt wasn’t so difficult. He smiled for a second and I continued choking him until I saw foam oozing from the side of his mouth. His eyes rolled in the back of his head and I knew that I’d killed him…accidentally, of course.

  Last Day of School

  Here is how it all began.

  On the last day of school I told my students to enjoy their summer vacation and to be sure to come back next year with plenty of stories to share. Little did I know that I’d be the one with the stories, but none that I’d be able to share. Even though it was the last day of school for the students, teachers had to stick around for an extra week, but on this day I had a half day, and instead of going straight home after work, I decided to check on my best friend. She was on vacation, and since I had to pass her house to get to mine, I figured I might as well swing by there and see how she was doing. Catch up on old times, since it had been a few months since we really talked, and nearly a year since we hung out. But that wasn’t the real reason I went to see her. I needed to put my suspicions to rest.

  With less than thirty minutes before the bell would ring, I sat at my desk and allowed my students to goof off while I thought about my fiancé Edward. First, I was pretty sure that he was cheating on me. And I was almost positive that I knew with whom—my best friend Nancy, which was the reason I had to confront her. Edward never bit his tongue when it came to assessing a woman’s attributes. He always thought Nancy had a nice body, and didn’t mind telling me. And Nancy had broken up with her man and suddenly stopped coming around me. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on.

  Edward and I had been together for nearly three years. In the beginning, our relationship progressed very quickly, but soon I discovered through calling certain numbers from his Sprint bill that he was still seeing his ex. I should have left him then. To know that he told some other woman that he missed her touch tore my insides apart. I thought Edward and I were close. I honestly thought he loved me, but now I knew that he didn’t know how or who to love. And it wasn’t just his ex. It was a flight attendant and a female police officer, both of whom he’d met online. I’d talked to all three ladies and couldn’t get mad at them, especially not his ex, who was in his life before I was. But my best friend Nancy was a different story. I was furious with her, and she was going to find out just how much.

  “Class,” I said as I stood. I had to raise my voice. “Please settle down. We only have ten more minutes.” What did I expect on the last day of school? There was no work to do…just a countdown until the bell rang. I walked down the middle aisle of desks and noticed one girl cover her mouth with laughter as she looked down at my low-heeled Ecco shoes. Maybe in wearing them I wasn’t as stylish as I could have been. I hated to admit that in some ways I’d started letting myself go. Several months ago I’d lost a contact, and instead of getting a new pair, I went back to wearing my glasses. The year before, I started letting my hair grow out of the stylish layered cut, and when it became too unruly, I pulled it back in a ponytail and have worn it that way ever since. And now I could barely get my fiancé to take a second look at me, but he stared down every attractive woman he saw on the street.

  “Monica, get out of his lap and sit in your own chair. One day maybe you’ll learn it’s better to keep it to yourself,” I said, shaking my head.

  “So when you gonna learn when to let some go?” Monica asked.

  I ignored her comment. I taught seventh grade, yet so many of my students acted as if they were grown, especially Monica, who already had a reputation for being easy.

  “What you doing for the summer, Miss Cartwright?” Toy, whose reputation didn’t far precede Monica’s, asked.

  I shrugged. “Not sure yet, but I’m going to try and do something a little different this summer.”

  “You and your man,” Toy said.

  “Miss Cartwright don’t have no man,” Monica said.

  “Miss Cartwright, you should come back next year with a whole new look,” Scottie, the class clown, said.

  “What’s wrong with my look?” I asked as I surveyed my students’ expressions and the many smirks across their faces. But before anyone responded, the bell rang and they jumped from their desks and flooded through the door.

  “You cute, Miss Cartwright,” Scottie said, “you just need to loosen up a little. Let your hair down. Listen to some Shawna and learn a little somethin’ ’bout satisfying your man.”

  “Listen to some who, so I can learn how to do what?”

  “Listen to Luda’s girl, Shawna from Disturbing Tha Peace. You know,” Scottie rapped, “I was getting some head.”

  “Okay, Scottie, I get the point. Enjoy your summer.”

  “You too, Miss Cartwright. I hope you really enjoy yours too. I really mean that.”

  I watched as Scottie ran from my class, sneaking behind a female student to grab her ass. She screamed, pushed him, and then he put his arm around her shoulder and they strolled out of the building.

  I rushed out of the school and headed for Nancy’s house. When I arrived, I pulled into her driveway behind a black 5-series BMW—Edward’s. He worked at a BMW dealership and had also sold Nancy’s ex-fiancé a preowned 5-series that had the older body style. I walked around to the back of the car to look at the license plate: 1 OF 2. I guess his car wasn’t the only thing that was one of two. I was also one of two, and Nancy, who I thought was my best girlfriend at one time and would never do something like this to me, was a back-stabbing bitch. I ran onto the porch and started ringing the doorbell. Of course, no one answered. So I called Edward on his cell phone as I sat on the hood of his car jingling my keys, fully prepared to use one all over his ride if need be.

  “Be a man and come outside and bring that bitch with you,” I said.

  “What are you talking about? And why are you talking like that? I’m at work.”

  “You’re at work, but your car is at Nancy’s house.”

  “My car is at Nancy’s house because I let Floyd borrow it since his is in the shop and we were out of loaners. He’s probably over Nancy’s house, so please don’t start tripping.”

  “So if I call Floyd right now, he’ll confirm that.”

  “Yes he will.”

  “Okay, ’bye,” I said, and hung up. Edward was the type who would lie until the bitter end. He probably figured that I wasn’t going to call Floyd. For one, I didn’t like him. We never saw eye-to-eye on anything, and we’d gotten into it a few times in the past over Nancy and the way he did her. But all that aside, I needed to know the truth, and that was just a phone call away.

  “Floyd, this is Alexis. I just talked to Edward and he claimed that he let you use his car, but I know that’s probably not true. Call me back when you get this message. Don’t worry about it. The more I say it out loud the dumber it sounds.”

  I pressed the End button. Looked at my key and got to writing. I wrote: I’M NOT GOING TO BE 1 OF 2 across the driver’s side of his car.

  Nancy’s front door swung open and Nancy shouted, “What are you doing?”

  I turned with evil in my eyes and said, “Me, what about you? What are you doing with…Floyd?” I asked as Floyd walked out of the house. “Edward really did let you use his car?”

  “Yeah, so why did you do that? Maybe she already knows,” Floyd said as he turned to walk back into the house.

  Nancy grabbed the tail of his shirt. “She doesn’t know. She thought he was over here with me,” Nancy said, then looked at me. “And for the record, I would never do some low down shit like that to one of my girls. But
don’t worry about what you just did to his car because he deserves it. Tell her why he deserves it, Floyd.”

  “Look, I’m not in all this.”

  “You in it if you want me to take you back. Tell her.”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “Tell her what you told me.”

  Club Flirt

  Well, Floyd told me. And the only thing that I could think about was that all school year while I was busy planning what Edward and I were going to do over the summer, what trip we were going to take—a three-day cruise to Jamaica, which was one of his favorite places to visit, or a leisurely drive to Toronto, which was something he’d always talked about doing—he’d had other things on his mind.

  I wanted to do something different. Something that could possibly help reignite our dying relationship, and Edward, well, I found out he was already doing something different, or should I say doing someone different. Her name was Black Exotica, and it wasn’t too hard for me to figure out what she did for a living. My fiancé had, like the song said, fallen in love with a stripper. It would have been so much better for all involved if Edward had just told me himself. I would have been upset, but I would have had to deal with it. At least, I would’ve been able to tell myself that he finally decided to be honest. But no, he wanted to continue to play me like a fool, and of all the people I had to find the truth out from, it had to be from one of my least favorite ones, my best friend’s man, who was trying to get Nancy off his ass when he admitted that he’d gone to the strip club but only stayed an hour…but guess who was there and who seemed more than a little comfortable with the star stripper—Edward.

  I really didn’t feel like going all up in Club Flirt to front him and Black Exotica. What would I, a woman with a master’s degree in education from the University of Michigan, an educator, a member of one of the largest black sororities, and a volunteer with Big Brothers/Big Sisters, look like going into a strip club? But that didn’t stop me from storming in there to confront my man and his new woman. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. Edward forced me to pull out my ghetto card. And I didn’t go alone. I took Nancy and her half sister Veronda along for moral support. So there the three of us were at Club Flirt, looking just as lost as ever.

  As we approached the door, there was a bouncer seated on a stool in front of the roped-off entrance. His massive muscular arms were folded and his eyes were concealed by dark shades. And even though I had come there on a mission to catch my man in the act, I couldn’t help but notice the bulge in the center of the bouncer’s pants. Oh, how I wanted so badly to take his dick out and get some pleasure for a change, because Edward sure hadn’t given me any, and not just in a long time…never.

  “Ladies, the club’s closed,” he said.

  “Closed,” Veronda said. “It’s just eleven o’clock. The club ain’t closed.”

  “Who you going in there to see?” the bouncer asked.

  “What you mean who we going to see?” Veronda responded. “Is that a question you asked all those horny men who came through here?”

  “Are you coming in here to see women or you coming in here to find your horny man, because we don’t want nothing jumping off tonight.”

  “The sign outside was blinking girls…girls…girls. So let us in so we can see some.”

  “All right, shorty,” he said as he removed the rope from the entrance. “I was just making sure.”

  Veronda winked as she led us into the club. We wanted to sit at a table in the back because Floyd had already confirmed that Edward was going to be there and I definitely didn’t want him to see me before I saw him, but even more importantly, before I saw her. It was standing room only, so we stood along the side in front of two large red neon hearts. We knew that Black Exotica was the last stripper to dance, and we didn’t have long to wait because she was up next. We’d walked in on the tail end of Skin Tight’s routine.

  “I wonder how many of these men are married?” Nancy asked.

  “Mmm,” I said as I looked around at the faces concealed in darkness. For those who were, I wondered where their wives thought they were that night. I started thinking once again that I was with a man that I really didn’t know, a man I would have sworn wouldn’t be caught dead in a strip club. But I guess that was a naive way of thinking. I know men like to see naked women. I guess most men would love to see nude females sliding down poles and to get a lap dance from them, but why did my man have to be one of them?

  “Half these women are lesbians,” Veronda said.

  “How do you know?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. I’m just talking. Got to find something to say about these bitches since they’re packing ’em in like this.”

  When Skin Tight left the stage, the table in front of us became available, so we quickly filled the empty seats. During the half hour delay between sets while the stage was being changed before Black Exotica came out, we started drinking. I could feel myself getting buzzed right when Black Exotica’s theme music began playing. I was so anxious to see her that I was practically bouncing in my seat.

  “By the looks of all the money they make on an average night, I might need to consider stripping. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about layoffs,” Veronda said.

  The men went wild as soon as Black Exotica hit the stage in her fishnet outfit. She had a small chest with very large nipples that were poking through the holes. She was wearing a black half mask over her eyes and a platinum blond ponytail that hung to the middle of her back. Even I, as a woman, had to shake my head. She had a tiny waist and the biggest ass I’d ever seen. I wondered why she’d picked my man. I could see why he picked her. I mean, if I were a man, I’d be interested in that. She was an exotic looking black woman with a body that I’d love to have as my own. But why did she want him? Out of all these men, there had to be one with more to offer, and I wasn’t talking about money. My man’s thing was barely five inches. So it must have all boiled down to money. My man was generous when he wanted to be, and more importantly, when he wanted something. At one time it was me he chased because I was a hard one to get, but once he had me, my good times were over.

  “Maybe this was a bad idea,” I said to Nancy. “I’ve seen all I need to.”

  “I thought you wanted to talk to her? We didn’t drive all the way over here just to leave.”

  The whole idea of going to the strip club to confront her seemed so ridiculous to me now. Black Exotica was in that place handling her business, and to be honest, the more that I watched her on stage, the more I started to desire her lifestyle. How nice it would be to have the full attention of a room full of men with hard dicks.

  As I was heading for the door, I bumped into Edward as he walked in. Our eyes met, but he tried ignoring me until I said. “I guess you’re surprised to see me here, huh?”

  “Not really,” he said as he attempted to brush pass me. “You’re doing what you do best—stalk. And if I wasn’t on probation, I’d kick your ass right here for fucking up my car.”

  I grabbed his arm and dug my acrylic French tip nails into his shirt. “I wish you would.”

  He turned to face me. “I wish I could,” he said as he snatched my hand away from his arm.

  “Enjoy your life because I’m moving on to bigger and better things.” I looked down at his crotch. “Much bigger and honey so much better.” My girls walked passed him and giggled.

  “That’s fine, because I’ve already done the same.”

  “Go to hell, Edward.”

  “I left there when I left you.”

  My girls pushed me out of the club when they saw the rage in my eyes and the bouncer in our path.

  “Did you hear what he said?” I asked Nancy and Veronda as I stepped out of the door. “He left me? No, I left him. He had nothing when I met him. Not even a decent job. Now, just because he sells cars and has a BMW, he thinks his shit doesn’t stink.”

  “Let’s go,” Nancy said as we stood in the parking lot.

 
“I’m not going anywhere until I can confront the two of them.”

  The three of us waited in the car for nearly an hour, exchanging relationship horror stories, until finally Edward stormed out of the club alone and sped off. After another thirty minutes or so with still no sign of Black Exotica, I decided to walk to the side door and knock until someone answered. One of the dancers let me in.

  “I’m outside waiting for Black Exotica. I’m her ride.”

  “You seen Exotica?” she asked a dancer who walked down the hallway topless.

  “She’s in the champagne room with a customer.”

  “Oh, she might be a while,” the dancer who let me into the building said. “You can wait in her dressing room,” she added, standing in front of a door that had a large red star plastered to it with the name BLACK EXOTICA written on it, “or in your car, and I’ll tell her you’re out there. I thought for sure she drove,” she said as a baffled look came over her face.

  “I’ll wait in her room,” I said, then walked inside and sat on the vanity stool. When the dancer walked into another room, I started looking around. There were pictures of Black Exotica with men—some prominent figures—local politicians, athletes, and famous entertainers.

  “You a new girl?” Black Exotica asked as she glided into her dressing room with the smell of sex hovering over her naked body. She had a tattoo of a rainbow above her hipbone.

  “No, I’m just here to talk.”

  “Talk? Do I need to call Security?” she said as she stood by the open door, holding the handle.

  “No, please don’t call Security. I’m just here to talk. I’m Edward’s fiancé. Did you know that he had one?”

  “Who’s Edward?” she said as she remained standing. “Security!” she yelled.

  “You don’t need to call Security. I just want to talk.” I closed the door. “Please.”

  “I don’t know any Edwards. And if he’s one of these perverts who come to gawk at me, I can’t help that.”