Ruby's Misadventures With Reality

by Samantha Bohrman

  It made her look like a total floozy. Pretty cute, but a floozy. Why did it have to come out right after Noel finally asked her on a date?

  …

  Ruby spent the rest of the day hiding out in her office. She waited until most everyone had cleared out to make her exit. She plodded down the hall more slowly than usual, the burden of public ridicule slowing her down, along with the too-expensive cowboy boots. They pinched her toes.

  “Ruby!” Destinee’s voice came from the depths of the office somewhere.

  Ruby looked left and right. She wanted to drop to the floor and belly crawl out of the office before Destinee could give her another assignment.

  “Ruby, I need you to fill out a conflict form.”

  “No problem.” Ruby breathed a sigh of relief. She could do that. No big deal. At least it wasn’t an assignment.

  While Destinee fished through a drawer for the form, Ruby took inventory of the office.

  Glamour shot: Check.

  Glamour shot with Karma: Check.

  Posed photo with Pastor Rick: Check.

  The photo with Rick surprised her. They appeared to be at a dog show. Destinee was holding Karma’s leash. Rick also held a leash but his dog was cut out of the frame. This confirmed her suspicion about dog shows, largely based on Best in Show—they attracted the biggest freaks.

  Destinee surfaced with the form. “Here you go.”

  Ruby scanned it. “Ozcorp? Ozcorp hired us?”

  “Yep. I’m going to be the lead attorney, but I might need you to do some research.”

  “Oh.”

  “I assume you don’t have any conflicts?”

  Ruby shrugged. “I guess not. I’ll fill this out and drop it in your box.” She picked up her purse again to leave. “Is that all?”

  “One more thing. I need your full attention on the firm’s business.”

  “I’m sorry about that photo. I know it looks bad, but I’m not dating that police officer.” She tried to remember if she had any active cases Eric was working. She could get in trouble for that.

  Destinee cut her off before she could go on. “I could give a damn about Eric. I need you to leave the Harris case.” With an accusatory look, she said, “I hear you were at the funeral.”

  “Is that a problem?”

  “No, I just want to make sure you understand where your loyalties lie. Ozcorp and Ms. Harris had some business dealings.” She angled her chin down and leveled Ruby with a heavy gaze. “Adversarial business dealings.”

  Ruby nodded as if it made sense. After she filled out the conflict form, she drove straight to Estelle’s.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Ruby Red (Orthopedic) Slippers

  When she arrived at Estelle’s, the Elysian Fields sign was in the front yard. Ruby paused to contemplate that oddity. She couldn’t imagine that Estelle left her house to Ozcorp, which meant that Jermaine or whoever she left the property to must have already sold it, but it seemed too fast. Before walking in, she hesitated. The house looked abandoned, no car in the driveway and no lights in the windows. When she tried the knob, it turned, so she walked in. If someone caught her, she’d just say she forgot… She couldn’t think of anything she was missing except her favorite tube of lipstick. She laughed to herself. Hopefully no one asked.

  She pushed the door open. The air smelled stale and the house looked untouched, except for an accumulation of pizza boxes and Gatorade bottles in the vicinity of the couch.

  Ruby started her search for her Crimson Vixen lipstick in the attic. A fit of giggles hit her as she climbed the ladder. Or maybe it was just nerves. At any rate, if someone found her laughing in Estelle’s attic, they’d probably be too confused to call the police. They might even believe she was looking for lipstick. As she looked around the piles of infomercial paraphernalia, Ruby tried to imagine what she might even be looking for. It looked as if Isotoners were not Estelle’s only quirky obsession. Social Security might as well have made out her checks directly to QVC.

  After the attic, she headed to the kitchen. Like the rest of the house, Estelle had crammed the kitchen full of all manner of knickknacks. Every postcard she’d ever received hung on a bulletin board and yellowed pictures signed “Jermaine” in childish handwriting still decorated the fridge. A picture of two stick figures, a big one and a little one holding hands, must have represented Estelle and Jermaine. Next to that relic of Jermaine’s childhood, Estelle had posted a reminder for his arraignment hearing.

  A long row of dusty cookbooks rested in a kitchen hutch. As she stared, she noticed that they were unused. None of the cookbooks had cracked spines. Then, she saw a shoebox next to the family recipe box. It appeared to be filled with every document Estelle had ever felt reluctant to throw away, an RCA television manual, a garage door opener, insurance policies, a schedule of classes at the community center, some orange Tic Tacs, and her will.

  Estelle definitely wouldn’t have made it as a secretary, but Ruby wasn’t going to complain. Grabbing one of Estelle’s bags of unsalted nuts, Ruby sat down to read the will. Though sort of uncouth to eat a dead lady’s food, Ruby figured Estelle would have offered them. She sprinkled some salt in the bag and poured herself a glass of water.

  The will looked pretty standard. Estelle left her collection of jewelry, fur coats, Ginsu, and all other “special collections” to her niece, Monette. Lucky Monette! As expected, she’d left the bulk of the estate to Pastor Rick at the Glass Chapel, which still struck Ruby as weird. She’d heard other people describe Glass Chapel donations as “beaming money straight to heaven!” as if everyone in heaven watched their bank accounts and played the stock market. Estelle seemed more the type to take her religion with a large helping of Jell-O salad and a couple of lightning bolts. The Glass Chapel’s pastel-colored version of the world, not to mention Pastor Rick’s skinny jeans, were the polar opposite.

  Still pondering why Estelle would donate to the Chapel, Ruby began to see a pattern: the Ginsu knives, the George Foreman countertop grills (two of them), the jumbo juicer (only available through QVC), the Thigh Masters—Estelle might not care about the Glass Chapel’s message, but it was on TV. Estelle loved TV. Leaving the estate to Pastor Rick was probably more about leaving money to her favorite actor or television program and less about ideology.

  Ruby tried to imagine if Jermaine would kill his grandma out of revenge. Sure, it was plausible, but it didn’t fit. For one, he would lose access to the house and her money. Jermaine didn’t strike Ruby as the type of parasite that would kill its host. Really, he seemed more like a standard jerk than a killer.

  As Ruby thumbed through Estelle’s collection of books and papers one more time, she picked out a clean sheet of card stock shoved between books. It was the menu from Clementine’s, the fancy restaurant Estelle had eaten at a week before she died. On the top, Estelle had scrawled “lunch with Oz,” as if to document the occasion for her scrapbook. She had circled the butternut squash ravioli and leg of lamb, probably what they ordered for lunch.

  Lunch with Oz.

  That didn’t make any sense. Ruby tried to recall the conversation she’d had with Estelle about the lunch. She thought she remembered her saying something about an old friend agreeing to do her a favor. Did Estelle mean Oz? Ruby shoved the menu into her bag.

  Before she left, she saw Estelle’s favorite pair of red sequined house slippers. They were so Estelle, with their practical old lady rubber soles and sparkly red sequins. On impulse, she grabbed them and headed for the door.

  As she walked down Estelle’s front steps, Destinee pulled her sleek black car in across the street. As she swung her legs out and reached for her purse, Ruby pivoted. If Destinee caught her, she’d probably lose her job. She ducked behind one of the chairs on Estelle’s porch. Thinking of the price tag on her cowgirl boots, she dropped her head to her hands and prayed Destinee would just walk on by. Instead, she heard the clickety-clack of high heels on pavement coming her way. Destinee walked right up the stair
s.

  While fishing in her purse, Destinee looked right at her, as if she’d known Ruby was there all along.

  Ruby made like she had been looking for something and said, “I dropped my lipstick. Guess it’s a goner.” With Destinee still watching she got up from her awkward crouch and sat down in the chair like that was what she’d been planning on all day.

  In a quiet, I-don’t-need-to-get-worked-up-about-the-little-people tone, Destinee said, “You’re fired.” Then, like Ruby wasn’t even there, she pulled out a hand mirror and applied a coat of lipstick. It was the same shade of red as the tube Ruby had lost.

  “Is that Crimson Vixen?”

  Destinee rubbed her lips together and touched up a smear in the mirror, “Yep.”

  “Where’d you get it? I thought they discontinued that color.” Would Destinee have stolen used lipstick? Ruby wasn’t sure.

  “It pays to work for Ozcorp. I ordered a case.” With no judgment in her voice, Destinee said, “It could have been you, you know. All you had to do was follow the rules, stay on the path.”

  “Follow the Yellow Brick Road” ran through Ruby’s head. She didn’t understand everything that was going on, but she was glad she’d veered off course into Munchkinland. If she ever found that tube of lipstick, she was going to throw it away. She was moving on. To another shade of red, something with more sparkle. She didn’t even care that Destinee had just fired her. She said, “I’ll swing by and pick up my things later.”

  Destinee shook her head. “No. I’ll have someone deliver them. That way we won’t have to involve security.”

  Ruby stood up tall and proud from Estelle’s soggy front porch chair. In her most gracious voice, she said, “Even better. Thank you for the opportunity, Destinee.”

  If Destinee wanted to fire her for doing right by Estelle, Ruby didn’t need her anyway or the stupid job. She tucked Estelle’s red slippers firmly under her arm and walked to her car. She probably should have felt depressed, but she was happy to be done with Smiddy. No more pantyhose, document review, asbestos defense. No more Destinee. All she felt was relief, the hallmark of a relationship that had ended long before the death knell sounded.

  …

  On her way home, Ruby took stock. Her job with Smiddy was over. This was good and bad: good for her happiness, and bad for her bank account. In unequivocally good news, she had a date with Noel on Friday. After that picture with Eric in the Emerald Rag he probably wouldn’t think the baby was his. Hopefully he wouldn’t think she was a big slut trying to bag a zoning commissioner by lying about paternity. Enough was enough. Whatever the issues, she would put all the cards on the table and they could deal with the pregnancy like the two responsible adults they were.

  Before she could chicken out, she drove to the Zoning Commission. She pulled up and marched in without letting herself second-guess her goal. She would ask him if he wanted to go out for a coffee and tell it to him straight.

  Noel saw her walk into the office. He came out to the reception area to greet her, a big smile on his face. “Ruby, what a surprise! It’s great to see you.”

  She smiled back. He was such a nice guy. No matter what they decided, they’d be able to get through this just fine. He was exactly the kind of solid, caring person a girl could count on.

  “I was just going to call you. I have to cancel our date for Friday.”

  “Oh,” she tried to hide her disappointment. “Any reason?”

  “Yes. I have huge news. I’m leaving the country for a while. I finally got into this program for sustainability management. I’ve been trying to get into it for years and a spot finally opened up.”

  “Wha?” Ruby heard the words “sustainability” and “management” come out of his mouth and she saw his excitement. It didn’t make sense. He was talking nonsense. “You’re leaving?”

  “Yes. Just for two months.”

  Two months. She would be three months along when he got back from whatever it was he was doing. That was still early in the pregnancy.

  While she tried to make sense of it, he kept talking. Apparently, he’d been awarded a grant from the State of Kansas to study sustainability management. The Biomall, he said, was using too many resources: water, power, consumable goods. She couldn’t put it together. The Biomall, apparently, was in trouble unless it started to economize. It sounded nerdy, but he was talking a million miles an hour and he looked so excited, like he had just downed three Red Bulls and an espresso. He used the word sustainability over and over, getting more jacked up each time. “My dad pulled some strings to put the trip together so quickly.”

  “Oh.”

  “He’s just come back into my life. I think he’s trying make up for lost time with this.”

  It looked like the strategy was working.

  “It’s going to be a really long trip, but I’ll be back by Christmas.”

  Ruby’s hopes sank.

  “I’m going home to pack and leaving tonight. I’m catching a red-eye out of Kansas City. I didn’t think the grant was going to come through. That’s why I didn’t mention anything. I’ve got to go now or never. I have to get the trip in before the holidays. I’m visiting the ten largest malls in the world based on gross leasable space, not revenue. Then, I’m going to Africa.”

  Ruby’s head spun. He stopped talking long enough to squeeze her hand and say, “You’ll wait for me, right? I’m still planning on that date, hopefully more than one.”

  She nodded. “I guess.” She felt like a war bride, one of those women who saw their men off to war and greeted them with surprise babies and pregnancies. “Can I call you?” she asked, dazed.

  “Of course, but I’m going to be hard to reach. Eight of the ten malls are in Asia. Then I’m off to Africa to learn about water saving techniques in the Sub-Saharan region. I’ll be in remote locations half the time.”

  She followed him limply to the front of the building. “In two months, I’ll be back.” Like a man going off to war, he tipped her back and kissed her senseless. He stared into her eyes intently. With a hint of mischief, he said, “Stay away from Eric. I’ll be back before you know it.”

  A few minutes later, she sat in the driver’s seat of her car, all the things she meant to tell him still on her tongue.

  When she got home, Ming asked, “Did you finally tell him?”

  “I tried. I went to his office, but he was on his way out of the country. For two months.”

  Ming scoffed. “For what?”

  Ruby shook her head in a perplexed way. “I think he’s going on a tour of the world’s malls, something about the Biomall. It’s the first I’ve heard of it, but I guess it’s not sustainable as is and Emerald has to manage it better. As a city official, he’s trying to help. I don’t know. It felt like he was going off to war to save our way of life, at least the shopping part.”

  Ming laughed. “He’s totally going to tour a bunch of malls in Asia with a clipboard.”

  Ruby sat down at the table and dropped her head to her hands. “I don’t know what to do. I mean I’m only a month along. I think I’ll just wait and tell him when he gets back.” At the moment it seemed like a better idea than texting him on his vacation.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Meet the Bump (Two Months Later)

  In the weeks following Noel’s departure and her “job loss” (the unemployment officer’s patronizing term), Ruby spent the bulk of her time molding the couch cushion to her ever-expanding ass. As for Estelle’s death, she gave up asking questions. If the medical examiner said it was a heart attack, so be it. At the moment, Ruby had more pressing concerns, like finding a job.

  The Great Recession had squarely stepped on the legal business. She read about it in US News & World Report, as if she needed someone to tell her. Luckily there was a lot on TV and there was always Facebook, but she couldn’t really get into it. Why update your status when you have nothing to report? She watched the world move on without her in a constant stream of status updates—Angela t
rying a new restaurant, Lainey having a baby, Tyrone going to Hawaii, Noel posting photos of shopping centers in Malaysia. Her investigation into Estelle’s death suffered from her mental state. Sure, she texted Eric a bunch, but that was about it.

  Then, a week before Christmas, Ruby woke up with a bump. Actually, a “bump” was being generous. She looked bloated, not bloated like a Hollywood starlet after a Chinese dinner, but really thick through the middle. Like a porpoise. She clearly needed to put aside her shiny nylon mini-dress or really any fabrics that reflected light. Her boobs were relatively enormous, in a painful sort of way, but they at least helped to distract attention from her mid-section.

  Ruby didn’t know how Marvel could accuse her of being too skinny, even with a bun in the oven. The woman clearly needed new glasses. When Ruby turned sideways in front of the bathroom mirror and sucked in nothing happened. What would Noel think?

  Today was the day of Noel’s return. After two months of shopping in malls around the world, he had learned everything he could about “making our modern lifestyle sustainable”—his words. Ruby still didn’t get it, but Noel seemed convinced the Biomall needed a makeover. It was a shame, though. Ruby would have loved to “research” at the mall. The state of Kansas should have paid her to go on a two-month shopping trip.

  After two months of waiting, tonight was the night. She was going to march down to Noel’s and tell him the news. In a moment of bravery, she donned a skintight mini dress and a pair of tights. That way, when the time came she could just point to her belly and say something like, “See what you did!” In her bedroom, surrounded by her favorite books and magazines, framed pictures of her family, and the cats, this seemed like a perfect idea. Vera meowed and rubbed herself against her leg.