Ruby's Misadventures With Reality

by Samantha Bohrman

  Ruby looked longingly at her Tupperware of olives, but she couldn’t ignore the 666 flashing in the worship sanctuary. If she didn’t track Oz down, no one would. Oz was the only one with clear motive to kill Estelle. Not to mention his reckless pursuit of profit and the lives lost at Funland. It would be like letting Lehman Brothers off or something.

  …

  Even though it was after hours, the mall security guard let her in when she explained, “I left my purse in the Chapel.”

  “You come right back. I’m not supposed to let anyone in after hours. I trust you, though.”

  After hours the mall was still brightly lit and festive, but the stores were all closed and the halls empty, sort of like some of her girlfriends from high school or Todd. She walked up to the bank of elevators and pressed “up.” The elevator car announced its arrival with a ding that echoed through the mall’s empty space. The ding made her feel as alone as she was. From everything she knew about him, Oz wasn’t violent, at least not in a hand-to-hand combat way. He only killed people Rube Goldberg-style with shitty amusement parks or poison that changed hands ten times before finding its target.

  When the doors to the elevator opened, a platinum-blond cocker sprang forth and greeted her with full-force doggie enthusiasm. He must have caught a whiff of Debbie and Charmaine because he sniffed every inch of her. Enzo, it seemed, was not a guard dog.

  After giving Enzo a vigorous scratch behind the ears, she walked toward the Chapel office where she heard voices. She was grateful she was still wearing Estelle’s slippers because they didn’t clickety clack on the marble tiles.

  The first voice said, “Cut stinks, Dad.”

  Well, if that wasn’t the truth. Cut for Men smelled like a barn.

  “It smells like a manger, son.”

  “Exactly.”

  “So explain again why you aren’t going to run for office.”

  Ruby peeked around the corner and caught sight of Noel. She gaped for a moment. There sat the father of her unborn babe discussing Ozcorp’s failed products and playing cards with Pastor Rick all casual-like. It might as well have been Bingo Tuesday at the old folk’s home. Rick snapped his fingers and pointed to the floor, “Enzo, come. Lie down.” To Noel he said, “Must be a storm brewing. That dog can’t settle down.”

  Noel said, “I don’t want to be in politics, Dad.” Even though she should have put it together already, it hit her in the gut like Brad and Jen’s break-up, no warning and full impact. Noel had just called Pastor Rick “Dad.” Pastor Rick was Noel’s father.

  Pastor Rick was Oz.

  Why hadn’t she seen it before? She recalled Ming’s words: “Born again spiritually and physically.” Rick personified the most literal interpretation of born again ever (except for the second coming, which hadn’t happened yet, at least that she knew of). Oz had been hiding in plain sight the whole time.

  And Estelle’s murder finally made sense. This neatly solved the whole problem. Mens rea and actus reas were located in the same individual. Oz had the motive and Rick had supplied the poison.

  She remembered something her mom had told her once. “People will believe anything, as long as you sell your lie with confidence.” Her mom had been talking about passing as a natural blonde, but the lesson still applied. Rick told people they could have everything their hearts desired—eternal salvation, rhinestone jeans, a trendy car, and a guilt-free conscience. It would probably take more than DNA corroboration to make people see the truth.

  Noel knew, though. He had lied. Noel knew where Oz was and just sat on the information. There he sat, playing cards with “his dad” and drinking a beer. They looked downright cozy. She recalled Noel’s comments about “finally getting to get to know his dad.” That was not a good enough reason to let the man get away with murder. That nagging suspicion that he was too good to be true had been right. Noel wasn’t as good as he looked. He was dirty.

  As Noel’s betrayal hit her, she let out a quick sob and clapped her hand over her mouth. When he looked over his shoulder and caught sight of her, she shook her head and gave him a look of scorn. “How could you?”

  “Ruby?” Noel stood. “What are you—”

  “How could you?” she repeated in an accusatory tone.

  “I…” Noel was caught speechless.

  Ruby turned and headed for the elevator. Just as the door shut, Noel reached her. She glared at him through the glass elevator. As she slipped below the floor, he mouthed, “I’m sorry.” Enzo pressed his nose to the glass.

  She ran through the main level of the mall and to her car. Safely behind the wheel, she dialed Eric and explained everything. Because she’d finally learned not to place all her trust in one man, no matter how good looking, she called Tyrone as well. She wasn’t going to be a fool and trust Eric this time. Rick was not going to be able to sit on his secret any longer. She was sure of it, but she wasn’t going to sit around and wait for the authorities to arrive. She needed to go home.

  As she thought of Noel, tears welled up. She couldn’t know how involved in Rick’s business he was. It seemed like he had been running for office at his behest. She staunched the flow of tears and put him out of her mind as best she could. She’d figure it out tomorrow.

  Before climbing into bed that night, Ruby put on her jammies and sat down in front of the tube to clear her head. She couldn’t find the remote, so she had to watch local TV. Every channel had nothing but weather, as if it was some big story. She caught a few stray phrases, including “global warming” and “early extreme weather,” but she thought, Big whoop. She’d start watching the weather when she hit fifty or sixty and things like that started to matter. Until then, if it wasn’t the Biomall forecast, she didn’t care.

  She flipped off the power and took the dogs out to pee. Standing in her back yard, she looked up at the night sky. It was clotted with stars, not a cloud in sight. Not even the slightest whisper of wind caressed her cheek.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  It’s a Twister!

  “We apologize for this interruption in your regularly scheduled program. There is an approaching line of thunderstorms that has already produced two confirmed tornadoes in the Salina area. Three more unconfirmed sightings have been reported along I-70 between Salina and Emerald. This system is now moving quickly toward Emerald. Please find shelter immediately, preferably in a basement or a room without windows, if you have no basement. Bring appropriate supplies and stay tuned to this station or a weather radio. If you live in a mobile home, please leave immediately and seek shelter in a permanent structure.”

  “Just run to the edge of the trailer park and you’ll be fine,” Ming said, reaching for a wine glass.

  The blonde newscaster continued, “Keep tuned to this station for all developments related to this storm.” She adopted her most concerned face and waited for the camera to cut out.

  Ming continued opening a bottle of Shiraz, one glass for her and one for Ruby. She would accidentally drink both, of course. “Noel’s an idiot and an ass, Rubes. It’s better that you found out before you moved into his Precambrian mansion.”

  “Don’t I get one?” asked Todd.

  Ming pulled out a third glass and poured.

  Ruby sulked. She had been refusing Noel’s calls all morning. The only person she’d talked to other than Ming and Todd was Tyrone. He had taken “Pastor Rick” in for questioning last night, but they’d had to release him pending the results of a DNA analysis. He assured her that they would be able to make an arrest soon.

  Ming handed Ruby an InStyle. “Cheer up, Rubes.”

  “Aren’t you two going to the basement to huddle under a metal desk with water bottles or something? Should I open or shut the windows? Or, is this the kind of thing where we need to use our body heat to keep each other alive?”

  “No, Todd. This is Kansas. If you can’t handle a tornado and a Bible thumper, you are in the wrong state. And no to number three.” Ming did not stop for any natural disasters. A
s a native of L.A., a place where you are more likely to see the local river in a big-budget action movie than in person, Mother Nature just didn’t factor in. Previous battles most likely included wearing heels in a gravel drive and leaving the house without an umbrella in driving rain. “Ruby and I are going to watch Sex in the City in the basement. Be my guest, if you want to watch from under the desk and open a window.”

  Ruby took a peek outside. The sky ranged from pea-soup green to inky black. Roiling, angry clouds threaded with zigzags of lightning (reminiscent of Missoni’s latest charcoal-gray sweaters) rolled onto the horizon and blocked out the sun. She’d seen worse, though. She turned and explained to Todd, “Amc is playing a Sarah Jessica Parker marathon. Both Sex in the City movies and Meet the Morgans, that one where Hugh Grant and SJP move to a ranch in Wyoming.” This made her think of Noel. If SJP could move to a ranch, maybe she could too?

  Between Ming’s “fuck tornadoes” attitude and Ruby’s inertia, they sat down to watch Sex and the City on full volume. Ming made Todd hook up the surround-sound speakers to drown out the noise of the wind.

  The dogs huddled at the base of the stairs whimpering, while the people focused on Sex and the City. Ming yelled, “Shut the fuck up, Debbie!” To Ruby she said, “Those dogs are driving me nuts. Maybe you should take them out or something?”

  Ruby ignored Ming’s complaints and exclaimed, “Omg, Ming! Look at Carrie’s dress…and that hat!” SJP was working her magic. For at least the duration of the show, Ruby could forget everything but that green feather hat.

  Just as Carrie Bradshaw appeared in a haute couture strapless Vivienne Westwood gown with a whimsical green feather cap, the noise outside grew freight-train loud. Todd said, “What is that noise? Is the neighbor using a leaf blower to clean out the window wells?”

  “It’s just a noisy storm. Turn up the volume.”

  All the while, Carrie sat at the church just waiting for Mr. Big to arrive, the wind hurled twigs and leaves against the windows and the panes rattled in their frames.

  “Mr. Big ain’t coming,” Ming announced. “Anyone want popcorn?”

  “Definitely,” said Todd. “I’m starving.”

  “Looks like the sun finally came out,” said Ruby. Indeed, the clouds had disappeared, leaving a beautiful sunset behind. Ruby schlepped over to her bag to find her phone. “I don’t think I’m in the mood for popcorn. You guys want Pizza Emergency? How about the eggplant anchovy pie?” Ruby was developing a strange craving for anchovies in her third trimester.

  “Whatever,” said Todd. As a freeloader, he knew he had no right to an opinion.

  Ming would have objected, but she didn’t. Earlier, she’d told Ruby, “I want Todd to suffer.” Not in a torture way. She simply preferred to smoke him out of his freeloading like a hostage negotiator rather than end it with a quick shot to the head. Hence, squid for dinner twice a week and chicken feet on Thursdays. As soon as he came back from his still-unexplained stint in the town jail (he claimed to have no memory of the preceding week) she went to the Asian market for the weirdest stuff she could find. As a creature of habit, though, Todd asked for chicken feet if she forgot to make them.

  Ruby dialed a couple of times, “No one is picking up. I think I’m doing something wrong.”

  “I’ll try,” said Todd, “But, is someone at the door?”

  “If it’s a salesman, don’t answer,” said Ming.

  As the pounding became heavier, the knocker began to yell, “Ruby! Ruuuubbbyyy! Are you in there?”

  Ruby drew her brows together. “I wasn’t expecting anyone.” The yelling was a little over-the-top, so she walked to the door slowly. When she opened it, Noel was waiting with a wild look in his eye. The rain had slicked his hair flat to his skull and drenched his clothes. Ruby could barely process the scene behind him. The giant cottonwood in their front yard had come down on Ming’s SUV, branches were strewn all over the yard and street, and someone’s overturned patio umbrella was lying in the sidewalk in front of her house.

  “Holy—” Ruby stared at the mess, shocked into a state of normal perceptual ability for at least a moment.

  While thus shocked, Noel hugged her tightly and patted her belly. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” As he hugged her, he mumbled into the top of her head, “I was at the office when the tornado hit and I couldn’t get through to you. I’ve never been so worried.”

  “Tornado?” Ruby stared at the beautiful man before her. He was her fantasy but she couldn’t let herself believe it even if there had been a tornado. “Thanks for checking on me, Noel, but I don’t know what you’re doing here. I’m not ready to talk to you.”

  “Ruby, I know you don’t understand, but I didn’t know.”

  Her eyebrows snapped together. “Of course you knew. You must have known all along. You knew where Oz was and you knew the things he’d done. You must have at least suspected that he killed Estelle.”

  Noel looked at his shoes and shook his head. “He’s my dad. I mean, I know he’s not perfect, but I really didn’t think he could kill someone. I know he’s made some bad decisions, but he’s never been violent. I thought he was really turning things around.”

  Her shell of anger started to crack. Noel looked sincere. If anyone could, she should be able to understand suspension of disbelief.

  “I wanted to believe him so badly. I just couldn’t see through my own bullshit hopes. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I should have.”

  That did it. She knew exactly how he felt. She had missed the occurrence of a natural disaster. And so much else. Her life, while she’d been window shopping and watching The Bachelor, had become an unnatural disaster. Seeing the real man before her, she breathed in deeply, ready to embrace him even with all of his flaws. She opened up her arms and hugged him as hard as she could. With tears in her eyes, she said, “I can’t blame you for believing in someone. At least it was a person. I just believed in the mall.”

  “Thank you,” he said and he buried his face into her hair.

  A laugh rose up in Ruby’s throat and she rubbed the top of her belly. “Our poor baby, though. I thought you had common sense at least.”

  He nodded. “The poor thing will probably believe in the Easter Bunny until she’s thirty.”

  “We’ll be for there when she finds out. It’s gonna be a hard fall.”

  He hugged her again. “I’m just glad you’re okay. Thank God you’re okay.”

  Ruby looked at Noel with newly clear vision. Noel really cared for her, maybe even loved her. He was soaked through and wild-eyed with worry for her. She felt sort of humbled, but mostly pretty psyched. Ming wasn’t going to let him off that easy, but she was.

  Noel looked down at Ruby, who had tears in her eyes. “I really am sorry. I should have been honest from the beginning.” He put his hands on her arms and looked into her eyes intently. With clear conviction and a broken voice, he said, “I love you, Ruby.”

  Her breath caught in her throat. Just when she thought it was over, he became more than she ever expected. When she looked in his eyes, she knew it was the truth. They were shining with tears and with the truth of his feelings. “I love your impulsiveness and your optimism and your sense of fun. You are everything I’m not and when I see the world through your eyes, I’m happier. I’m a better person, more generous of spirit and capable of more love than I knew was possible. I’m so grateful for you.”

  Ruby sighed with happiness and let the moment wash over her. “I love you, too, Noel. I love you more than I realized I could.” She loved the Noel that she’d come to know, rather than the guy she assumed he was. He was so much better than the person she had imagined in her head. He was someone she could have an adventure with, a partner who could surprise her. They already were having an adventure.

  He pulled her close and kissed her, a kiss worthy of AMC before it started showing new releases, the romantic ambiance worthy of Old Hollywood, back when the women’s hair was perfect and the men were Cary Grant. The wi
nd whipped at them and Noel pulled her in tighter to guard against the cold air.

  He whispered into her awapuhi-scented hair, “I was almost hoping that I’d get to rescue you.”

  She laughed into his chest. “That would have been nice, but this is good, too.”

  Noel grabbed her hand tightly and they walked over the threshold together.

  “How bad is the damage?” asked Ruby, still holding his hand.

  “It’s bad. The Biomall is destroyed. They’re unsure how many people were in the mall at the time. The roof is gone and there is a lot of damage. No one is going to be shopping there for a long time.”

  Inside she heard Ming yell, “Ruby, get rid of your dog, would you? She’s sopping wet.”

  Ignoring Ming’s plea to remove Charmaine, Ruby explained, “Ming, there was a tornado. The Biomall is wrecked.”

  Ming looked at her with confusion.

  “A tornado took the whole roof off.”

  With a sudden look of panic, Ming asked, “How about the shop? Is it okay?”

  Noel answered, “It’s fine. The tornado stuck to the new section of Emerald. The malls sustained the worst of it. I saw a water slide stuck in the top of Chapel Mall when I was driving over. The one from the Mall Hyatt. It’s sticking right out of the top of the Chapel like a straw.”

  Ruby’s first thought was that maybe the tornado took out her old desk at Smiddy. She hoped it had.

  In a shameless act of disaster tourism, Ming, Ruby, and Noel loaded into his pick-up and drove down to the Biomall. Todd decided at the last minute to drink iced tea on the porch and wait for the pizza. There was no way anyone was going to deliver a pizza after an F5 tornado, but Todd couldn’t give up the dream, so he stayed. Realistically, he’d probably end up raiding the fridge for leftover chicken feet and stare at the clouds.

  As Ruby, Noel, and Ming approached the mall, more and more trees were down. It was the kind of devastation that you expect to see in black-and-white photographs of disasters long gone, not in Technicolor outside your own front door. Luckily, Noel had brought his chainsaw. Several times they stopped so that Noel could clear fallen trees from the road. He took off his suit coat, rolled up his sleeves, and cleared their way like a real pioneer, not like the Oregon-trail playing city kid he was. Ruby knew she’d found a good one.