A Fox's Vacation

by Brandon Varnell

  “Lilian.”

  “Kevin.”

  “Lilian!”

  “Kevin!”

  Christine saw the two hugging and immediately began shouting. “I’ll kill you both!”

  Truly, this girl has embraced her role as the tsukkomi.

  ***

  Getting access to Comic-Con was a simple process. Kevin and Lilian had already bought passes via the internet. All they needed to do was head into the large reception room, wait in line for a register to open, and then hand over the email confirmation of their purchase. After that, the group received their passes.

  “Man, I can’t believe we’re actually going to the biggest Comic-Con in America,” Eric said, sounding more than just a little shocked, as if it was just now hitting him. He looked at Kevin. “This must have cost a fortune. How the hell did you pay for so many passes?”

  Kevin shrugged. “Found them on Groupon.”

  “Groupon? Really? They have deals for Comic-Con? For fourteen people?”

  “I suspect this was a plot device myself,” Kevin confessed.

  Eric blinked. “What?”

  Kevin frowned. “What do you mean what?”

  Lilian’s laugh interrupted the two before they could really go off. “Let’s not try to damage the fourth wall any more than we already have, okay, Beloved?”

  Eric and Kevin both blinked. “What?”

  Lilian sighed. “… Never mind.”

  They made their way to the convention building. Large did not even begin to describe the structure’s size. Monstrous might have been more accurate. It towered over them, a dome-like construction that could have probably fit several football fields inside. Lilian couldn’t tell how many floors the building had, but there must have been at least five. Large windows sparkled in the sun. Gleaming metal glinted in the light. Banners hung everywhere, including one large banner that read: Los Angeles Comic-Con in big, bold letters, surrounded by various comic, video game, and anime characters that she knew on sight.

  The inside was no less stunning than the outside. Everywhere she looked, Lilian saw banners and images and statues and all sorts of paraphernalia. There were booths where Comic-Con goers could get their pictures taken, and she immediately zeroed in on one.

  “We have to get our picture taken!” she declared. “Come on everyone! Let’s—kya!”

  Lilian squeaked when her sister hugged her from behind. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that Iris apparently had a case of wandering hands that day. Lilian tried not to moan as her sister shamelessly fondled her breasts in public.

  “Aw!! You’re so adorable when you get excited like this! Even if you are wearing the most hideous costume I’ve ever seen.”

  “Don’t make fun of my awesome cosplay! And stop groping me! Only Beloved can do that!”

  “There’s no need to be like that, my dear sister. He can join us.” Iris looked at Lilian and licked her lips. “I don’t mind.”

  “We do mind!” Kevin and Lilian shouted at the same time.

  “Ufufufu,” Kotohime chuckled, “A dual tsukkomi. How cute.”

  “Simply adorable,” Kiara agreed.

  Christine clicked her tongue. “Just looking at them pisses me off.”

  Lindsay just giggled.

  “My Lord!” Eric cried. “Even when wearing ugly cosplay, you still manage to make girls fall for you! I am so moved!”

  “Shut up already, Eric!” Kevin shouted.

  The group walked over to the photographer, paid the man, and stood in front of the green screen to get their photos taken. They could apparently have a background chosen, so they’d decided that, in the spirit of Kevin’s and Lilian’s costumes, they should have a Natsumo Shinobi background.

  Unfortunately, problems occurred when they tried to take a group photo. It came in the form of Alex and Andrew.

  “Get your elbow out of my side, idiot!”

  “If you don’t want me elbowing you, then maybe you should move your fat ass out of my way! You’re bustin’ my personal bubble here!”

  “I can’t move! I wouldn’t be in the picture if I did!”

  “Good! No one wants to see your ugly mug in a photograph! They’d die of a heart attack!”

  “Oh, that does it! I’ma show you who’s da boss around here!”

  “It certainly isn’t you!”

  “Oi! Stop fighting, you damn ingrates!” Christine glared at the fraternal twins who were getting into fisticuffs. She tried to break them up, but she ended up getting beaned in the head by an errant fist. “Oh, that does it!” she growled, cracking her knuckles.

  Several seconds later, Alex and Andrew were lying face-first on the ground, their butts sticking up in the air, and hoarfrost-covered lumps the size of Alaska on their noggins. The group ended up taking the picture without them. They were very disappointed upon waking up.

  “Okay, everyone!” Kotohime clapped her hands together, getting their attention again. “I know you all want to go off and do your own thing; however, we need to determine groups.”

  “I’ll take these four,” Heather declared, pointing at Alex, Andrew, Eric, and Justin.

  “Very well.” Kotohime acquiesced to her request. “I shall be accompanying Lilian-sama and Kevin-sama.”

  “Where Lilian goes I go,” Iris declared, grabbing her sister’s arm.

  Kotohime gave her a placating smile. “Of course, Iris-sama.”

  “H-hawa,” Camellia managed to finally focus on the conversation instead of the enormous amount of people and decorations. “I-I would also like to go with my daughters and Kevin-kyun!”

  “Again with the ‘-kyun,’” Kevin sighed.

  “In that case, I would also like to accompany you.” Kirihime bowed before Kevin and Lilian. “If that is alright with you, Lady Lilian, Lord Kevin.”

  “I don’t mind,” Lilian said. “Kevin?”

  “I’m fine with you two coming along,” Kevin agreed.

  Kirihime gave them a radiant smile. “Thank you.”

  “We’ll be going with you guys, too.” Everyone looked at Christine who, after noticing the eyes on her, suddenly realized that she’d spoken out loud. Her face then proceeded to spontaneously freeze over. “N-not that I actually want to be with you guys! D-don’t look too into this! I’m only going with you because I don’t wanna be alone with these two.”

  As Christine pointed at her and Kiara, Lindsay crouched down and hugged her knees to her chest. She then drew circles on the floor. A large black storm cloud also randomly appeared over her head like a physical manifestation of her depression.

  “She didn’t have to say it like that,” Lindsay mumbled. “She makes it sound like spending time with me is worse than getting a venereal disease.”

  “There, there,” Kiara muttered in a bored tone of voice that did little to console the depressed girl. She even patted Lindsay’s head for good measure. “I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that.”

  Kevin and Lilian stared at Christine for several long, awkward seconds. The snow maiden glared right back, arms crossed and cheeks blue, daring them to contradict her. When, after several more seconds of silence, neither of them said anything, the Lolita girl began to look uncomfortable.

  “W-what the hell are you two staring at?”

  As one, Kevin and Lilian slowly raised their left and right hand respectively—

  —and gave Christine a thumbs-up.

  “Nice tsundere act,” they said in unison.

  Christine’s face could’ve frozen over hell. “S-shut up!”

  ***

  The two groups broke off; Kevin’s and Lilian’s group went one way, and Heather’s went another. Since Kotohime and Kirihime were going with the larger group, Kiara decided to travel with Heather.

  Kevin and Lilian wore the widest grins ever as they rushed to the first booth that caught their interest. It was one of several booths that featured massive amounts of anime fan-art. Hanging from the makeshift wall that separated the booths were
posters featuring characters from various anime and video game fandoms. Camellia followed behind them as they discussed the displays.

  “Um, I don’t think it’s bad, but the artwork is too stylized to be true fan-art,” Lilian mumbled, frowning.

  “But isn’t that what makes it fan-art?” Kevin asked.

  “No.” Lilian was not of a similar opinion. “When creating fan-art, artists should remain true to the original style. Even when taking artistic liberties, an artist should still try to illustrate canonical characters as close to the original artist’s concept as possible. If I can’t even tell who the characters are, then it’s not good.”

  While the person whose art Lilian criticized took great offense to her words, Kevin shook his head and smiled. “You’re really critical of art. Maybe you should think of becoming a mangaka or something.”

  “Hm…” Lilian actually appeared to ponder the suggestion, though she didn’t say anything.

  Some distance away from Kevin and Lilian, Kirihime and Kotohime, one wearing a placid smile and the other looking more than just a little amused, shared a glance between each other.

  “Those two…” Christine stared at the couple with something resembling disgust. “They are way too enthusiastic about this.”

  “I think it’s sweet,” Lindsay defended the pair, who were even now making complete fools of themselves by drooling over several doujinshi that they had discovered at another booth—much to the mangaka’s dismay.

  “Would you two lean back a little? You’re slobbering all over my artwork!”

  Christine listened to the man complain about how Lilian and Kevin were getting saliva on his manga, then gave Lindsay a deadpanned stare.

  “Okay,” a sheepish Lindsay admitted, “maybe they are a little weird. I still think it’s sweet.”

  “Whatever. Weirdo.”

  Lindsay’s face took on a glum appearance. “That’s not very nice.”

  ***

  “Apprentice!” Heather barked.

  Eric jumped to attention, along with Alex, Andrew, and Justin. “Yes, Master.”

  The group stopped in the middle of the space between booths at Heather’s prompting. The woman looked at the group of youngsters, a grin on her pretty face. Alex and Andrew both flushed red, while Eric had stars in his eyes. Justin’s face remained mostly expressionless.

  “I have a very important lesson to teach you today, my young apprentice… s.” She paused, frowned, and then decided to just go with it. “I’m going to teach you how to grope a woman’s butt… without getting caught.”

  With her left hand clenched into a diabolical fist, Heather grinned at the group of impressionable teens, all of whom gazed at her like she’d just given them the answer to life itself.

  “Look around you, my young apprentices. You see all these people? You see all these women? Tens of thousands of people go to Comic-Con every year. Of those tens of thousands of people, at least half of them are female. These women wade through crowds of people, hundreds of bodies pressing together; bumping, rubbing, and touching. It’s impossible for someone to walk two feet without accidentally enacting skin-on-skin contact with someone. With so many bodies being pushed together, it is very easy to grope a woman without them knowing who’s responsible for it. I shall teach you, my young apprentices, how to grab, squeeze, and caress female flesh without them being any the wiser.”

  She looked down at the four teenagers standing before her. They were staring at her, their expressions one of awe. Eric was crying, his face leaking at least two different kinds of fluid. He stared at her as if he was in the presence of the truth of the universe. Nothing else seemed to matter to him but the wisdom that she had to offer.

  “So, my young apprentices.” She extended a hand. “Would you like to learn how to grope butts without getting caught?”

  In the face of such an extravagant offer, Eric and the others could do nothing more than accept the invitation. “Yes, Master!”

  Several feet away, paying just enough attention to them so that she knew where they were, Kiara flipped through the pages of a manga that had caught her interest.

  “Iron Reaver Soul Stealer, huh?” she murmured, flipping through another page and reading about a certain half-human, half-dog yōkai as he fought against his older brother. “What an interesting move. I wonder if I can add it to my repertoire somehow?”

  ***

  “Look, Belove—I mean, Sensei! It’s Natsumo and Satsuki! We have to get a picture with them!”

  Kevin looked at where Lilian was pointing. Indeed, standing not several feet away were the two titular characters of the Natsumo Shinobi series. If the obnoxious orange jumpsuit that Natsumo wore so often wasn’t enough to confirm this, then the hair-style shaped like a duck’s rear end that Satsuki was known for having did.

  “Yosh!” Kevin, still in the character of Mito Gay, the flamboyant martial arts master, grinned at his mate, who was currently dressed as his apprentice, Mook Lee. “Come, Lee, let us ask that youthful couple if they would like to take a picture with us.”

  “Yes, Beloved—I mean, yes, Sensei!”

  “They’re not even paying attention to us anymore, are they?” asked Lindsay.

  “Do I really need to answer that question?” Christine replied dryly. Lindsay shook her head.

  Like a whirling hurricane, Kevin and Lilian appeared before the two dressed in Natsumo cosplay. They wore matching grins, and their teeth sparkled in the light as they stood in front of the now freaked out Comic-Con goers.

  “Yosh! Good evening, my two youthful friends!” Kevin said in a booming voice. “Would you two care to take a picture with us?”

  The two dressed as Natsumo and Satsuki took several steps back. Sweat dripped down their foreheads.

  “Uh, um,” the one dressed as Natsumo stuttered, “w-we’re sorry, really, but we, uh, we have to, ah…”

  “We have places to be!” Satsuki interrupted, grabbing her friend by the hand and pulling the other female away. “Sorry!”

  Kevin and Lilian watched the two push their way through the throng of people, shoving and kicking and punching everyone who stood in their path.

  “Ow! What the hell was that for?”

  “Gya! Someone just poked me in the eye!”

  “SQUEEE!” came the squeal of someone who was hit right in the daddy button.

  Soon, the two cosplayers had completely disappeared from sight.

  “They ran away,” Lilian said, pouting. Crossing her arms under her breasts, which looked amazing even when covered by hideous green spandex, Lilian had the appearance of someone who was utterly dissatisfied. “How rude.”

  “They were most unyouthful,” Kevin agreed.

  Lilian grinned at her mate. “You’re really getting into this, aren’t you?”

  Kevin’s grin matched Lilian’s. “I’ve never had so much fun at Comic-Con before.”

  Several feet away from the grinning pair, Lindsay, Christine, Camellia, Kotohime, and Kirihime watched Kevin and Lilian with a variety of different expressions.

  “Oh, my.”

  “Ufufufu, Lilian-sama and Kevin-sama are so adorable, getting into their little comedy routine.”

  “I’m… not sure that was a comedy routine,” Kirihime mumbled.

  “Of course it is,” Kotohime said, “no one can act that ridiculous and actually be serious.”

  “Hawa… Camellia wants to get her picture taken, too.”

  “I am ashamed to know those two,” Christine declared in outright disgust.

  “At least they’re having fun,” Lindsay tried to defend her friends. Christine gave her friend a look. The look lasted for several seconds before Lindsay turned her head. “Okay, so it’s kind of creepy. I still think it’s nice that they’re having fun.”

  “Then maybe you should join them.”

  “I… think I’ll pass.”

  “Hawa…”

  ***

  Kevin and Lilian eventually split off from their group an
d went to register for the cosplay contest. Kotohime came with them, while her sister stayed with Camellia, Christine, and Lindsay. Camellia had tried to go with them as well, but Kirihime had used her tried and true head petting method to keep the woman from following them.

  “That head petting of Kirihime’s, it could almost be considered its own technique,” Kevin mused.

  “I know!” Lilian replied enthusiastically. “I was actually thinking of giving it a name… maybe something like Kirihime Secret Technique: Head Petting.”

  “The first part’s fine, but I think the last part needs to have a bit more panache. What about Kirihime Secret Technique: Diligent Maid?”

  “Hmm.” Lilian considered the name before shaking her head. “It’s not bad, but I can’t help but feel like it’s missing something…”

  The two tried to come up with a name for Kirihime’s method of petting Camellia’s head, at least until they located the place where they could sign up for the cosplay competition. The registration table wasn’t in the main room with all of the booths, but rather, in a separate room located in one of several adjacent hallways.

  There was a line to register, which meandered its way down the hall, extending well beyond their line of sight as it turned a corner. All of the people standing around, waiting and chatting, were dressed up in cosplay.

  “Is this the line for the cosplay competition?” Lilian appeared startled to see such a long line. Kevin didn’t blame her.

  “Looks like it.”

  “Oh… that’s a lot of people.”

  As she looked at the many different costumes, Lilian felt more than just a little intimidated. There were a lot of costumes, and a lot of those costumes were really good. While she loved the ones that she and Kevin wore, mostly because they had made these costumes themselves, many of the other costumes looked professionally made.

  What if our costumes aren’t good enough?

  Some of those other costumes looked phenomenal. That Master Beef costume looked almost like it was made from real beef! How could they compete with that?

  Warmth engulfed her hand. Lilian looked down to see the masculine hand that held her own. She looked up at Kevin, who sent her a confident smile, as if to say “let’s win this!” The silent support that he offered made her own lips curl in delight. She laced her fingers through his, and together they proceeded to the back of the line.