A Mother's Love

by Miss Dee

  She turned and looked at me. I think she knew what I wanted to talk to her about but she didn’t say anything. She just looked me up and down and turned back around.

  I was scared here I was fifteen years old and about to have a baby. I was grateful because I had Nancy and Lo behind me. When I told my Mom I wasn’t surprised she kicked me out and I moved in with Nancy and Lo. My mom said she was not taking care of any babies. My little fast ass wanted to be grown and out her fucking then I could do it on my own.

  She said, “And you gone bring these muthafucka over here for what. You could have told me that by yourself and I would still tell you the same thing get your shit and get out!” she yelled.

  Nancy told Lo to go wait outside because he was getting heated. With tears in my eyes I went to my room and started packing my stuff. My little sister came to say good bye to me. My mom was yelling how much of a hoe I was. But she must have forgotten that is what she did all day her damn self.

  Fuck her I knew she would turn her back on me. And I was hurt it hurt me real bad but good thing I had Nancy and Lo. It was like we were married. It was just his mother, me, and him. I went to school, Nancy went to work during the day, and Lo hustled all day long. I still kicked it with my girls but I spent most of my time at home with Nancy we had a real unbreakable bond between us. We cooked together, she read me books on how to take care of the baby, and she took care of me. I loved her she treated me better than my own Mom.

  Everything was perfect on the outside looking in but Lo was abusive. I remember the first time Lo hit me. We were about to have sex and I had gotten tired of the same routine. I was kissing on his neck and rubbing on his dick. I pulled out his dick and went down to suck it. I had never given head and Lo never asked for it but I was curious as to what it was all about. I licked the tip of his dick and he slapped the side of my face so hard I saw stars.

  “Don’t you ever put your muthafucking mouth down there!” He said and put his dick in his pants.

  I was confused I didn’t know what the hell had just happened. I thought all men liked head but I guess my man didn’t. He told me that giving head was not lady like. So that was the end of that but it wasn’t the last time he put his hands on me.

  We went to look at the ultrasound to see what we were having. We took a cab to the doctor’s office. The Medicaid paid for transportation. I was hoping for a boy and Lo wanted a girl. I had drunk the water and my bladder was full as hell. We were waiting in the lobby of the clinic and me and Lo was talking and having our little conversation. That was one thing when we talked we always had fun. He kept a smile on my face. I loved the man and he made me happy. We went to the back when I was called. They did the ultrasound and it was a girl. Lo was happy this was going to be his first child. We called his mother and told her that we were having a girl, she was excited too.

  When we got to the house Lo decided to celebrate so he called some of his people over and got some liquor of course. Nancy was working a double shift at the hospital so she wasn’t going to be home until the next day because she would not have liked that. Everybody was having a good time. Lo was chilling and enjoying his self but I was starting to get tired I had to get ready for school in the am. Although I was pregnant Nancy and Lo made sure I went to school. I told Lo where I was going. He excused me and let me go to the back to the room. I went to the bathroom to run me some water. I went in the room and got my pajamas together.

  When my bath water got done I yelled down to everyone to make sure they knew I was in the bathroom. I locked the door and got relaxed. The water felt good on my body. I stayed in the bath for about twenty minutes. I got in the bed and was so happy that the music had turned off. I dozed off to sleep. In my dreams I was drowning and I couldn’t breathe. I gasped for air. I woke up scared and confused and Lo was staring at me.

  “What’s wrong baby?” I asked and sat up I was kind of dizzy must have been my dream.

  “Aw you want to know what the fuck is wrong?” He said staring at me. I could tell he was drunk. He grabbed my hair and pulled it.

  “Lo what the hell is wrong with you?” I said trying to get away. He grabbed my ponytail tighter, his grip was strong. For him to be a little short skinny guy he was pretty strong.

  “You think I don’t know acting like a trashy hoe.” He pushed my face in the pillow. He was smothering me and I couldn’t breathe. I tried to scream but I know my cries were muffled by the pillow. He let me up and I gasped for air.

  “You better shut up before my Mama hears you.” I muffled my cries. “Next time you decide to take a bath you better wait to my muthafucking company leave trying to get naked why muthafucka in the house”

  He lie next to me and cuddled with me like he had not just abused me. At the time I thought it was love. He didn’t want anybody to see me. But now I know he was just plum crazy.

  Chapter Three

  I was about due and I was ready to explode. I had missed my sixteenth birthday all because I was pregnant. I was ready to pop I was so ready for this baby to get out of me. It was spring and hot. I was irritated. And Lo was getting on my nerves. It was noon and I was sitting at in the living room eating ice cream Lo had been gone since about eight that morning. He came in the house staggering and I knew he was drunk. I looked at the clock again yup it was twelve in the afternoon and he was drunk. He came and sat next to smelling like a liquor store.

  “Damn Lo why the fuck you always drinking” He looked at me like he was throwing daggers with his eyes. I would usually shut up but fuck that the drinking was too much. “Don’t fucking look at me like that nigga I asked you a question.”

  Lo didn’t even respond he just slapped the spit out of my mouth. I held my mouth and I could taste the blood. Usually he would stop there but today I guess I had said too much. He got up and choked me. My belly was big but he did not care. He was kind of on my stomach and I couldn’t breathe I tried to gasp for air. When he finally let me go I felt the water trickle down my leg my water bag had busted. He jumped back and was scared.

  “What the fuck you done pissed on yourself?”

  “No! It’s my bag. The baby is coming!”The pain suddenly hit me. I walked over to the couch. The pain had come on so suddenly all the bullshit he was putting me through I didn’t even notice the pain.

  “Aw shit. My baby coming I’m gone call the ambulance.”

  His anger had turned into love once he found out the baby was coming. I was in pain so much I wanted the ambulance to hurry up. Lo had sobered up pretty nicely since he was scared. He was running around the house like a little bitch. He called Nancy and let her know that the baby was on her way.

  Nineteen hours later Daphne Nesha Harris was born and her daddy was drunk. With all the chaos when the ambulance had come I didn’t even know that muthafucka had brought some liquor in the baby bag. Over the next couple of months Lo continued to beat on me and eventually his mother found out.

  One day Nancy had came home early from work she had gotten sick. She found the baby in her swing crying and her father on top of her mother choking the life out of me.

  Nancy stormed in the house and pushed Lo off of me. “Boy what the fuck you doing” Nancy was a big strong lady so Lo flew on the floor. I was trying to catch my breath. “Come here baby.” She grabbed my hand. “How long has this been going on?” she looked at me I couldn’t respond.

  My lip was busted and I was in tears. Lo punk ass got off the floor to explain himself.

  “Ma now you know I would never hurt Denesha but her ass was letting my baby cry.”

  The excuse was lame but Nancy bought it I don’t think she really wanted to believe her only son her only child was an abuser. Because if she admitted that it would mean in some way she had failed her child.

  He had calmed the beatings down when she was at the house but he wasn’t going to stop. He blackened my eye one day and told his Mama that we were playing. It seemed like she cared but at the same time she was on her son’s side.

&
nbsp; All she would say is “Baby I can’t make a grown man do something.” That’s when I knew even she could not help me. And I knew damn well my mother was not going to help me. She had come to see me and the baby when I first had her and she brought Tesha. I still came by the house to make sure Tesha was good we were still close. Surprisingly my Mom bought the baby a lot of clothes and diapers she even bought me some cute little outfits for when I lost my baby weight. But she never told me I could come home. I started to research battered women shelters. I had to get out of there. Zaharra helped me research she would look places up and call to see what I had to do. As soon as I got a chance I was leaving.

  My chance came the day that Lo got locked up. He got caught selling weed and had to serve two years in jail. I would have stayed with Nancy but it was time to get from under her wing. I packed me and my baby up while she was at work and we headed to the shelter.

  The shelter was for abused women it was five other chicks in there too. I was happy to be away from Lo and all his confusion. I wrote him and sent him pictures of the baby but I never put my return address on the envelope. I still talked to Nancy and my Mom they both helped out with the baby. My Mom had apologized once she found out what I was going through but I was so use to being on my own at that point that I knew I had to make my own way.

  The shelter was a great place for me and Daphne they helped me find a job at a sandwich making shop and I even got accepted in low income. There was a daycare where I let Daphne go to she was a smart baby. Daphne was a brown skinned baby and she looked mostly like me. She had my eyes, my hair, she was beautiful.

  After three months of living at the shelter me and my baby was moving on. I moved into my apartment. My mother had to sign her rights over so that I could move in alone. All me and Daphne had was a bed to sleep on and a little television the shelter donated to us. But it was mine and I didn’t have to take no abuse.

  It was summer time and I was happy I had enough of school, work, and taking care of Daphne by myself. I was happy and grateful for Nancy because she helped me out a lot. She even helped me buy my first car. I went to take my permit test and got it on the first try. My car was raggedy but it was mine. I had a white Honda Civic, and trust and believe it was loud. It was the weekend and my first time being off from work in a while. Nancy said she would keep Daphne for the weekend. I was happy I could finally go kick it with my old crew. We had been distant since I had gotten pregnant and was going through so many different things.

  I missed being a regular sixteen year old girl. Who knew sex would open up so many things for me. Zaharra, Yellow, Red, and Rick were able to still go out, gossip, and not have soul to worry about. But I had Daphne, I loved my baby but I felt like I was missing so much of my life being a young parent but I couldn’t change anything now.

  Zaharra came over my house after she got off of work at the nursing home. We went to pick up Red, Yellow, and Rick. We decided to go to a birthday party one of the twin’s cousin was throwing. It was going to be at a center they had rented out. I was looking good in my black booty shorts and my white baby doll shirt. I had on a silver belt and accessories with my silver sandals. My long hair was curled and pint up so I wouldn’t sweat so much. Zaharra was looking good as always with her short low cut red dress. She was outdoing herself with the black heels. She had a clipper cut in her hair. Red and Yellow were actually dressed alike which was different with their white leggings and purple halter tops. We were looking good Rick even had himself fixed up straight Coogi downed.

  The music was bumping when we entered it was semi packed. Zaharra and I immediately started doing our thang on the dance floor. I hadn’t had this much fun in so long I had to act a fool and make sure all eyes was on me. I could feel the stares, the hate from the bitches, and I loved every moment. Everyone was use to seeing me at school but since I had Daphne nobody really saw me on the scene like before. During one of our breaks of dancing I noticed this handsome young gentlemen looking at me. He was brown skinned, with a low haircut and he had waves for days. He had his shirt off and the six pack was on point.

  He had been watching me all night and I guess he got his line together and came over to me.

  “What’s your number?” he said and I could tell he was drunk. That threw up a red flag. Oh no not another drunk. Was he a beater, was he gone do me like Lo? He could tell my apprehension. “I apologize if I came at you wrong lil mama.”

  I looked at him and started crying. He grabbed me and took me outside. The air was warm still he sat me on a bench close to the building. He rubbed my back and quieted me down. After I gathered my composure and emotions I started laughing hysterically. He seen me laughing and started laughing too.

  “I am so sorry.” I said wiping my eyes. “I know you probably think I’m crazy.”

  “Naw not crazy emotional maybe” He said smiling. His words wasn’t slurring I guess my crying sobered him up.

  “I’m sorry it’s just I was just in a bad relationship where my ex drank a lot and I could smell the liquor on you.”

  He looked embarrassed “oh I ain’t an alcoholic. I’m just having fun I ain’t no everyday drinker.”

  “Well that’s a good thing,” I said scooting closer. “Because you fine as hell and I would hate to pass a fine thing like you up just because of some liquor.”

  I think he was a little shocked by my statement. I don’t know what came over me. Being in the house for so long had made me brave.

  He started laughing. “Well damn lil mama. How about you give me your number and we get to know each other better.” I did.

  The guy at the party was Shane and over the next couple of weeks our relationship was only basically sex, we never went anywhere he just came over my house when I was off and we had sex. Daphne was a good baby she slept through the night so I had no problems. I must admit Shane was a beast in the bedroom. I was so happy to be getting dick again I didn’t really know if Shane was using protection. So I shouldn’t have been surprised when I ended up pregnant again. Now ain’t that a bitch here I was sixteen pregnant and I barely knew Shane but now we had to think about a baby.

  Chapter Four

  Daphne had just turned one and here I was pregnant again. I had to tell Shane but he already knew. And guess how he knew because the muthafucka took the condom off while we were having sex. The nigga was unbelievable. I don’t know if the nigga thought the shit was cute but I was highly pissed! But I couldn’t be all the way mad at him since I was part responsible too. He already had a daughter by someone else and she was four years old. He moved in with me and helped me pay rent well he paid all the rent. My rent wasn’t anything but fifty-five dollars. He provided nicely for me. I kept my job though just in case he ever went to jail I learned the hard way that not to put all your trust in a nigga.

  During my pregnancy Shane and I got real close. I instantly fell in love with him. He had a sincere personality. He became the love of my life. I never met anybody like him. He was the complete opposite of Lo. He talked to me, he was patient, he spent real quality time with me, and Daphne liked him a lot. The only problem was when we argued he wouldn’t come home for days or answer my calls and I hated that. I hated it so much. But other than that he was absolutely great.

  I went to see what we were having. That was one thing I did not like about Shane he never went to any of my doctor’s appointments. Lo went to all of my doctor’s appointments. We found out that we were having a boy and Shane was happy. Things were good between Shane and I but the rumors were hard to ignore. Zaharra was telling me that Rick was seeing Shane all around town in my car with his baby mama. Now I didn’t want to believe it but I was going to ask. Shane came home after a hard day of hustling or was he hoeing? That was the question. I know females gave him money but what was he doing for that money. He would tell me your man is fine baby these hoes want to pay me just to talk to them. I never said anything because I wanted to trust him.

  I was sitting on the couch reading to Daphne
when Shane came home. He was drunk, and that was another damn thing he was a liar. I told him about Lo being an alcoholic and he said he was a social drinker. Social drinker my ass he got drunk just like Lo the only difference is he didn’t hit me. So that was good. He came and gave me a kiss.

  “What’s good ma?” he said sitting next to me, breath smelling like liquor, “what you been doing?”

  “Nothing” I said looking at him, the nerve of this nigga “where you been?”

  “Aw I had to drop moms off some stuff and then I was making money. You know I gotta take care of you and these kids. Why you tripping?” he said his voice was dripping in guilt.

  “Aw.” I started knowing damn well it was bullshit. “Well why you ain’t answer your phone all day for me? You think I’m stupid don’t you muthafucka!” I yelled.

  I was getting heated. Zaharra had told me she seen him at the mall with his ugly ass baby mama. All he did was be up in that bitch face when he wasn’t with me. But let him tell it the bitch wasn’t shit to him. The hoe didn’t work and had no life goals yeah right but you laying up with the bitch every chance you get.

  “I called your Mother Shane she ain’t seen your ass all day so come up with another lie nigga.”

  I sure did call his Mama see Shane thought because his mother and I didn’t speak that I would never call her. Fuck that I did not care that Karen didn’t like me because I was under age I needed to know where my man was. She picked up the phone with an attitude.

  “Hello,”

  “Hello Ms. Karen is Shane with you?” I said with a matched attitude. Fuck her I didn’t lie to her son about my age so if he wanted to fuck on me wasn’t nobody business but ours.

  “No!”She said and hung up the phone old crazy bitch.

  “Man don’t get to questioning me and shit Denesha. That’s all the fuck you do is nag.” He said grabbing his coat. “You don’t care about me I’m gone.” He said walking out the door.