The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design

by Wendy Northcutt

  As the train swooped over the precipice into the “infamous drop” on the fifth turn at sixty miles per hour, where the g-forces are notoriously skyward, Tamar apparently unlatched her seat belt and stood up. The train dropped, but Tamar didn’t. She caught good air until she landed on the ground, sixty-nine feet below.

  Reference: New York Daily News, Coaster Buzz

  DARWIN AWARD: RIGHT OVER THE DAM

  Confirmed by Darwin

  24 JULY 2004, WISCONSIN

  Barbara, twenty-six, must have listened too many times to the old song “High Hopes” and its verse about a perky little fish: “And she swam, and she swam right over the dam.” But Barbara needed more than willpower to fulfill her high hopes when she decided to take the shortest route between the Upper Dells and the Lower Dells.

  She piloted a personal watercraft at high speed past numerous signs warning craft to slow down because of the imminent danger. She wove through the support posts of two separate bridges, one for trains, and one for cars. She ignored the screaming pleas of her twenty-four-year-old passenger, who finally jumped off at the last minute. And she did it—she soared over that dam like a flying fish.

  Then she crash-landed on the concrete spillway, dying instantly.

  Nearby residents told police that Barbara had been speeding like a maniac at high speeds in no-wake zones near the shore, despite the many posted warnings. Blood tests showed she had also been drinking like a fish. When asked to comment on her demise, the police chief said, “It kind of speaks for itself.”

  Reference: Wisconsin Dells Events

  DARWIN AWARD: LOVE STRUCK

  Confirmed by Darwin

  3 MARCH 2002, ENGLAND

  “Does it really matter what these affectionate people do, so long as they don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses?”

  —Mrs. Patrick Campbell

  As Kim and Paul left the Sheffield pub, they noticed that a streetlight was burned out, creating a pool of darkness on the road. Unable to rein in their passion, they began to consummate their relationship on the asphalt outside the pub. Witnesses said the couple was lying right on the white line, kissing and cuddling.

  The passionate pair were warned of the danger of their coital position not once, not twice, but three times—by a car driver, a bus driver, and a pedestrian. An off-duty paramedic honked and shouted, “You want to get up, otherwise you’ll be run over.” The man simply said “Cheers, mate,” and the paramedic heard a female laughing. A bus driver swerved to avoid them, and drove past with wheels on the curb. A concerned pedestrian shouted to warn them that another bus was headed their way.

  Despite these disruptions, Kim and Paul continued, oblivious to the approach of a small, single-decker Nipper bus. The bus driver mistook the undulating shape for a bag of rubbish in the poorly lit street, and was unable to stop in time. There was a dull thud…

  Kim and Paul were struck and killed at midnight. Paramedics found Kim lying on her back with her jumper pulled up, and Paul between her legs with his trousers pulled down.

  The only downside to this timely removal of lunacy from the gene pool is the fate of the bus driver. Despite the couple’s irregular actions, and a police investigator’s statement that “to expect a driver to anticipate a pedestrian lying in the road is out of the ordinary,” a judge fined him for careless driving, and his license was revoked for six months. Fortunately, his employers consider him an excellent employee, and plan to give him other duties. Relatives of the victims said they were glad the driver had kept his job.

  This tale surely answers the Beatles’ question, “Why don’t we do it in the road?”

  Reference: The Sun Online, Daily Sport (UK), www.sundaytimes.co.za, Sheffield Star, www.yorkshiretv.com, Yorkshire Post

  DARWIN AWARD: HURRICANE NEWS JUNKIE

  Unconfirmed by Darwin

  3 DECEMBER 1999, DENMARK

  A powerful winter storm system plowed through Europe. Hurricane-force winds gusted to one hundred ten miles per hour, and massive waves pounded the seashore. One woman was anxiously watching news of “the worst storm in Denmark this century” when the TV picture suddenly became too grainy to see. The antenna on the roof had come loose and started to bang around.

  Determined not to miss any information, and despite the howling winds, she decided to climb up on the roof to fix the antenna. She was blown off the roof by the hurricane winds and killed. As a consolation prize, she became a major part of the news over the next few days.

  Reference (hurricane only): Numerous news articles

  DARWIN AWARD: DYING FOR A CIGGIE

  Confirmed by Darwin

  17 JUNE 2003, UNITED KINGDOM

  National Express runs bus services throughout the U.K. The service between Aberdeen and London takes approximately twelve hours. There’s no smoking on the coach, making it a long trip for addicts. Sandra, forty-three, was riding south from Glasgow to visit her family, and she was getting more and more desperate for a cigarette.

  The coach stopped at Carlisle. Finally she could satisfy her craving! But no, she was not allowed to get off the coach. Sandra sat in the bus, becoming more agitated by the mile. She was craving a cigarette. She needed it—now.

  Fellow passengers said she became increasingly anxious as the journey continued, and started shouting that she wanted to get off. However, the coach was on a motorway at the time and was not allowed to stop except for an emergency. They saw Sandra push her hands against the passenger door in the middle of the lower deck. Surely she couldn’t be trying to get off the coach to have that cigarette she’d been dreaming of, could she?

  Oh, yes she could!

  Police concluded that she fell out of the coach, which was traveling at approximately sixty miles per hour, and was crushed under its wheels. At that point, the coach made that hoped-for emergency stop, but it was too late for Sandra. She never did get to enjoy that cigarette.

  Reference: BBC News

  DARWIN AWARD: OFF-ROAD DRIVING

  Confirmed by Darwin

  6 JANUARY 2005, JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA

  Massive thunderstorms had turned the Braamfontein Spruit into a raging river. It was a little past midnight when police warned Barbara, thirty-three, that a flash flood was inundating the bridge ahead. They urged her not to cross. But Barbara was driving a BMW X3, an off-road vehicle with xDrive all-wheel-drive.

  Brochures assured her that the luxury SUV with Sensatec upholstery and an eight-speaker stereo system had “virtually unlimited agility.” So Barbara laughed off the police advice and continued toward the bridge. The xDrive all-wheel-drive lost its grip as the floodwaters swept her BMW X3 off the bridge. Her body was found later inside the vehicle more than a mile down the river.

  Reference: Mail & Guardian

  DARWIN AWARD: WHAT I CAN STILL DO

  Confirmed by Darwin

  16 JANUARY 2005, FORT MYERS, FLORIDA

  Two North Fort Myers residents, twenty-three-year-old Molly and her husband, had rented a room in a local motel for some unspecified activity, perhaps involving perpetuation of the species. As Molly entered the second-floor room, she went straight for the lanai, which overlooked a concrete patio. Most guests would have seen the railing on the edge of the lanai as a safety feature, but for Molly it brought to mind fond memories of her youthful gymnastic abilities.

  Molly called out, “Watch to see what I can still do.” These would be her last words. She did a flip onto the railing for a handstand, just the way she used to do, but then toppled over the other side, slamming into the patio fifteen feet below. She was pronounced dead at the hospital.

  Reference: Fort Myers News-Press, AP

  HONORABLE MENTION: A FAST ESCAPE

  Confirmed by Darwin

  5 JANUARY 2004, NEW YORK, NEW YORK

  Security guards caught a nineteen-year-old woman who had been sneaking into offices, stealing wallets out of coat pockets. The guards locked her in a room on the tenth floor and waited for police to arrive.r />
  The woman was desperate to escape. There was no way she could get past the guards outside the door. But she was in luck—the window opened! She climbed onto the ledge, and she was free!

  Far below, traffic whizzed by on 42nd Street. Was she startled by the security guards coming back into the room? Or caught off-balance by a wayward pigeon? Or hoping to win a Darwin Award? She’s not telling, but she fell or jumped from the ledge, landing on scaffolding eight stories below.

  She lost her bid for a full Darwin, surviving the fall with several broken bones. But her escape was only temporary. She was arrested and charged with burglary before being taken to a hospital in critical condition.

  PERSONAL ACCOUNT: GAS SPILL

  1993, PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA

  I will be the first to admit that this only qualifies as an Honorable Mention—but how many people get the prosecution to request a mental competency hearing?

  In Pittsburgh, my roommate’s coworker was gassing up her car. The automatic shutoff didn’t engage, so when the tank was full, a little gas overflowed. When she realized this, she declared that she wasn’t paying for gas on the ground—she would only pay for what was in her car. The attendant stated that she had to pay for all the gas she had pumped. She reiterated that not all of it went into her car.

  She then said, “Watch, I’ll prove it.”

  Prove it she did. She threw her lit cigarette on the ground where the gas spilled. The puddle ignited! Fortunately, they were able to put out the fire before anything worse happened.

  She was arrested for inciting a catastrophe. While listening to the testimony at her preliminary hearing, the prosecutor stated, “That’s crazy. That’s insane!” The defense attorney—either spotting a good line of defense, or agreeing with the prosecutor—asked, “Are you going to request a psychiatric evaluation?” To which the prosecutor replied, “You damn betcha.”

  Reference: Personal Account

  PERSONAL ACCOUNT: STUPID CAR

  SUMMER 2003, OREGON

  There was no media coverage on this one. I was a witness and rescuer. Around seven A.M., I looked up from the machine I was operating at work and saw an older Nissan at the stop sign across the street. Its emergency flashers were on. A heavyset young woman emerged, opened the hood, and leaned in to manipulate something inside. Suddenly the car lurched forward, knocking her down.

  I immediately ran for the door. By the time I started across the parking lot, the bumper of the car was slowly shoving her out into the four-lane boulevard! The situation reminded me of the Stephen King story where the car starts trying to kill people. Unsuccessful at crushing her, the woman’s car was pushing her into the boulevard’s right lane, where other cars could finish the job.

  After checking for traffic, I ran across the street to help. Very fortunately for her, the driver of the next vehicle to approach her (a school bus) was quick-witted enough to turn on the flashing red lights, stopping traffic.

  As I sprinted to the driver’s door, I remember feeling a flash of irritation as the woman gasped to me, “Put it in reverse.” Did she think I was going to try to lift it off her? I hopped in and carefully reversed the car. She stood up, brushed herself off, and said, “Stupid car. The transmission linkage is always sticking.”

  Dumbfounded, all I could think of to say was, “Maybe you should set the parking brake next time.” I consciously didn’t say, “The car is stupid?”

  Reference: John A Hancock, Personal Account

  PERSONAL ACCOUNT: AIR FRESHENER

  1983, UK

  Young Mick had settled in for a good night’s sleep when he was awakened by a loud explosion. His bedroom door had been blown open by air pressure, and his curtains had flown out the open window. He rushed downstairs to find his mother staggering from the kitchen with smoke rising from patches where there used to be hair. She seemed more dazed than injured, so he sat her down and went into the kitchen.

  It looked like a small bomb had gone off. The net curtains were a pile of melted nylon, and the cotton curtains were still on fire. Mick put them out with a few glasses of water and returned to his mother to find out what had happened.

  “Well,” she said, “I thought that the kitchen was a little smelly so I got out a spray can of air freshener. Nothing came out but I knew something was inside, because I could hear it when I shook the can. So I thought I’d open it with the can opener and sprinkle some of the contents around.”

  Propellant spurted from the can as soon as the can opener cut into it, startling Mom and causing her to throw the can into the air. It landed on the gas stove, where the pilot light instantly turned the can into a fireball. Mom had narrowly avoided winning herself a Darwin Award.

  In positive psychology terms, Mom was conditioning her son to react to danger and avoid his own untimely removal from the gene pool. Mom’s lesson worked. Mick is still alive and passing on her lessons to the rest of us.

  Reference: Mick, Personal Account

  * * *

  In another lesson, Mick’s mother showed him a broken vacuum cleaner. She had tugged too hard on the power cord and pulled the wires loose. “I opened the plug and put the wires back,” she said, “but it still doesn’t work.” Mick opened the plug to find all three wires twisted together and inserted, luckily, into the neutral pin. If she had chosen the live pin, the vacuum cleaner would have become electrified, waiting for Mom to touch it and send two hundred forty volts charging through her on their way to ground.

  * * *

  CHAPTER 4

  Animals

  An animal might win a Darwin Award if it migrated in the wrong direction. But in this chapter, animals are not the winners; they are the backdrop against which humans lose to Mother Nature. Before we get into the elephants, snakes, raccoons, chickens, bees, bugs, birds, eels, sharks, toads, horses, and bison—first, an essay on our cousin, the chimpanzee.

  DISCUSSION:

  “BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A BANANA?”

  James G. Petropoulos, Science Writer

  One may well ask that question of the next chimpanzee one meets. Recent research shows that humans (Homo sapiens) and chimpanzees (Pan troglodytes) are 99.4% genetically compatible, although (based on fossil and genetic evidence) the two species diverged five to seven million years ago. So close are the similarities that it has been suggested that chimpanzees be reclassified as genus Homo. Yet it is clear that chimpanzees and humans are physically and mentally quite different. Of the great apes, the chimpanzee is by far our closest relative. The gorilla is less closely related, and the orangutan (despite it’s almost human face) even less so. Genetic research on all four species is beginning to yield information on what exactly makes humans different, and in time, perhaps will shed light on what makes us human.

  A look at the physical differences between chimps and humans helps illustrate these minor genetic differences. Chimpanzees are arboreal; though omnivorous, they live on a diet consisting chiefly of fruit; they are four to seven times as strong as humans; they are more agile but less dexterous than humans. Humans, of course, are bipedal, very much omnivorous, predatory by instinct, and have superior intellect and communication skills. It has been proposed that the genetic differences between chimpanzees and humans are largely due to the two species’ differing lifestyles, which can perhaps explain why, after five to seven million years, chimpanzees still live in trees and humans do not.

  The most easily recognizable genetic difference between humans and chimpanzees is the number of chromosome pairs. Humans have twenty-three pairs, chimpanzees have twenty-four. However, this difference is deceptive. Findings suggest that somewhere along the course of human evolution, two pairs of “chimp” chromosomes fused and rearranged themselves into our familiar twenty-three. The genetic information contained in those “fused” chromosomes has both human and ape counterparts.

  The genetic differences scientists are concentrating on may surprise many readers.

  Andrew G. Clark of Cornell University recently co
mpleted the most comprehensive comparison study to date of the genetic differences between humans and chimpanzees. Using a supercomputer, a partial chimpanzee DNA map of eighteen million sequences was lined up with the genomes of a human and a mouse, to determine which human genes were evolving most quickly. It was hypothesized that if natural selection favored certain genes, perhaps these genes were part of what made us “human.” Starting with 23,000 genes, the final field was whittled down to 7,645 human genes that most differed from chimpanzees and mice. Clark and his team isolated genes that determine sense of smell, digestion of protein, development of long bones, hairiness, and hearing. Clark’s conclusions were that at some point, human olfactory senses and amino-acid metabolism genetically diverged from those of the chimpanzee, presumably enabling early humans to better smell the types of food they sought, and to better process the proteins found therein. These findings coincide with archaeological evidence that humans began eating meat about two million years ago. These genetic mutations may have been brought about by a new ecological niche created by climate changes.