The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design
Page 18
Its legacy would shake the scientific community to its core.
One immediate benefit was that SN1987A demolished Young Earth Creationism, a belief that the universe was created only six thousand to ten thousand years ago. As seen with the eye of the mighty Hubble Space Telescope, the remnant of SN1987A is a single bright dot, surrounded by double offset rings of incandescent debris and a smaller primary ring centered on the core of what had once been the star. Because the apparent width of the ring can be measured, and because the actual diameter can be obtained using basic astrophysics, astronomers can directly calculate the distance to the supernova using simple trigonometry. That distance is 168,000 light-years. And scientists can categorically state that the light from SN1987A has not changed velocity during the transit. The conclusion is straightforward: She blew up 168,000 years ago, or about 160,000 years before Young Earth Creationists claim the universe existed.
But a more significant legacy of SN1987A would leave astronomers picking their collective jaw up off the floor. Observations of SN1987A led cosmologists to a new standard candle (an astronomical object with a known luminosity used to calculate distance) in a certain type of stellar remnant. The new technique allowed them to measure with unprecedented accuracy how fast galaxies are separating from one another. The results were astounding.
After meticulous observation to measure how fast the expansion of the universe was slowing down, the stunning conclusion was that the rate wasn’t decreasing at all. The universe was expanding all right, but the rate of expansion was increasing. The universe was accelerating outward! The key to making the equations balance was a mysterious force dubbed “dark energy,” which accounts for more than two-thirds of the mass of the entire cosmos. What we think of as “the universe”—stars, planets, light, atoms, and energy—is but a light frothing of what physicists call baryonic matter floating in an invisible sea of dark energy. And since this mysterious force is increasing in magnitude, if unchecked it will grow and grow, until galaxies, stars, planets, atoms, and even black holes are torn asunder: The Big Bang will end in the Big Rip!
Which brings us back to the puzzle of the universe being younger than the oldest stars within it. The formerly accepted estimate for the age of the universe was based on the false assumption that the expansion was slowing down. That age is a bit less than the new figure arrived at by assuming the rate of expansion is increasing. This explains the discrepancy between the age of the universe and the oldest stars within it. And although astronomers and physicists are now at an absolute loss to explain dark energy, at least the conundrum of old stars in a younger universe is cleared up.
Serendipity is waiting to strike again: The tantalizing clues into the nature of the dark-energy phenomena hint that, once resolved, the results will be as significant as when Isaac Newton was conked on the head with an apple.
References: Fact-checked with Dr. Sean Carroll, Assistant Professor of Physics, University of Chicago
Appendices
WEBSITE BIOGRAPHY
The Darwin Awards archive was born on a Stanford University webserver in 1994. Its cynical view of the human species made it a favorite speaker in classrooms, offices, and pubs around the world. News of the website spread by word of mouth, and submissions flew in from far and wide. As the archive grew, so did its acclaim.
The website matriculated to its own domain in 1997, won dozens of Internet awards, and now ranks among the top 3,000 most-visited websites. It currently entertains half a million visitors per month in its comfortable Silicon Valley home. Guests are welcome to set off fireworks and play on the trampoline.
www.DarwinAwards.com is the locus for official Darwin Awards and related tales of misadventure. New accounts of terminal stupidity appear daily in the public Slush Pile. Visitors can vote on stories, sign up for a free email newsletter, and share their opinions on the Philosophy Forum—a community of free thinkers who enjoy numerous philosophical, political, and scientific conversations.
Some stories in this book include a URL directing you to a webpage with more information. All the hyperlinks can be explored starting from this portal:
www.DarwinAwards.com/book
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHIES
Wendy Northcutt studied molecular biology at Berkeley, worked in a neuroscience research laboratory at Stanford, and later joined a biotech startup developing treatments for cancer and diabetes. She wrote the Darwin Awards while waiting for her dastardly genetic manipulations to yield results.
Eventually Wendy shrugged aside lab responsibilities in favor of an offbeat career. She now works as a webmaster, and writes both code and prose for the Darwin Awards website. Much of her time is spent wishing she could catch up on work.
In her free time, Wendy chases eclipses, spends time with friends, and inhabits an increasingly eccentric wardrobe. Interests include reading, cooking, cats, gardening, and glassblowing. The vagaries of human behaviour continue to intrigue her.
Christopher M. Kelly is a writer and gifted Renaissance man. He graduated from Stanford University, worked at Apple Computer in Cupertino, and wrote a forthcoming biography about the man who invented the multivitamin, as well as the cult humor book It’s Okay to Be Happy, in an attempt to cheer up a depressed girlfriend. Chris now lives in his hometown of Spokane, where he can be found scribbling in coffee shops, and participating in the Entrepreneurs Forum of the Great Northwest (www.efgn.org). His current project is turning Spokane into an entrepreneurial Mecca.
Chris is in danger of winning a Darwin Award. He needs a muse and a mate. Chris seeks an attractive, intelligent, and kind woman to be his partner, his inspiration, and the mother of his offspring. Chris deserves to remain in the gene pool. Please don’t let Chris’s genes die out!
www.DarwinAwards.com/book/chris.html
BIOGRAPHIES OF CONTRIBUTORS
Annaliese Beery is a graduate student in neuroscience. Annaliese loves the entire field of biology, from molecular genetics to ecology. She spent several years teaching high school students AP biology, chemistry, computer science, and AP environmental science. While it’s hard to beat summers off for field studies and outdoor adventures, Annaliese pried herself away from teaching and began her Ph.D. program a few years ago. She still collects biology stories of all kinds.
Annaliese contributed two essays:
“Love Bites,” page 90.
“The Skinny on Fat,” page 250.
Stephen Darksyde is a freelance science writer with a strong background in math and physics. He has a longstanding interest in conveying the wonder and importance of science to the layperson. Stephen writes regularly for the Daily Kos, one of the most visited blogs in the world. He lives near Kennedy Space Center in Florida in “Darksyde Manor” with Mrs. DS, a cat named Nikki, and a dog named Darwin.
Stephen contributed four essays:
“AIDS, Bubonic Plague, and Human Evolution,” page 26
“Aquatic Apes Are People, Too!,” page 66
“Endogenous Retroviruses and Evolution,” page 150
“The End of the Universe,” page 283.
Peter McDonnell is a freelance illustrator who has been creating pop art, comic book, and cartoon illustrations for a long list of national clients for over twenty years. After living and working in the beautiful-but-foggy city of San Francisco since 1981, he and his wife Shannon packed up their baby boy, Jacob, and their respective studios, and moved to the sunny town of Petaluma, forty miles north of the Golden Gate Bridge. Explore Peter’s work at www.mcdonnellillustration.com.
James G. Petropoulos was born and raised in Queens, New York City. He attended Fordham Preparatory School in the Bronx and Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois (BA, Naval Commission). James works as an animator and director in traditional drawn media and CGI. He served as a Naval Reserve officer for eleven years and is now a bandsman with the 199th Army Band, NY Army National Guard. He is a professional bandleader and jazz percussionist, as well as a Sunday School teacher, Freemason, and Darwin
Awards moderator.
James contributed the essay,
“Brother, Can You Spare a Banana?” on page 118.
Scientist Tom Schneider studies the mathematics of biology. “Living things are too beautiful for there not to be a mathematics that describes them.” He spends his free time on the contra dance floor, and cohabits with a cactus named Hairy who has not yet participated in pasta experiments.
Tom contributed the parody scientific research paper,
“Origin of the Novel Species Noodleous doubleous,” page 17.
Norm Sleep teaches geophysics at Stanford University. His interests include conditions on the Earth and the habitability of other planets. He was born in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and grew up in the paper mill town of Parchment. He graduated from Michigan State University and arrived at MIT during the plate tectonic scientific revolution. His thesis was on subducting slabs. He taught at Northwestern University before moving to Stanford. His interest in habitability stems from his work on hydrothermal circulation at midoceanic ridges and his work on the feeble tectonic activity on Mars.
Norm contributed the essay,
“Chicken Little Was Right,” on page 182.
Maia Smith will not be returning to school this fall. Instead, she plans to travel full-time, returning to Martha’s Vineyard each summer to work, hang out with friends, and decompress. Her list of possible careers includes any combination of midwife, bush pilot, artist, commercial diver, overseas English teacher, ethicist, and satirist; for now, “professional vagrant” seems apt. Her most recent travels are chronicled on her website, www.maiasadventures.com.
Maia contributed the essay,
“Forensic Analysis: Achieving Justice,” on page 226.
Location Index
Australia
Darwin
Melbourne
Sydney
Victoria
Austria
Bahamas
Belgium
Brazil
Cambodia
Phnom Penh
Canada
Calgary
Ontario
Ottawa
Quebec
Vancouver
Croatia
Denmark
East Timor
France
Germany
Munich
Hong Kong
India
New Delhi
Indonesia
Ambon
Italy
Malaysia
Mexico
Escobedo
New Zealand
Norway
Oslo
Romania
Russia
Moscow
Siberia
Serbia
Singapore
South Africa
Johannesburg
Stellenbosch
Spain
Madrid
Switzerland
St. Maurice im Wallis
Taiwan
Thailand
The Netherlands
UK
England
Northern Ireland
Ukraine
USA
Arkansas
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Florida
Georgia
Idaho
Indiana
Kansas
Kentucky
Michigan
Minnesota
Missouri
Montana
New Jersey
New York
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Texas
Utah
Virginia
Washington
Washington, D.C.
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Wyoming
Vietnam
Zambia
Zimbabwe
Story Index
4-1-0 Club (Darwin Award)
A Closer Look at Victoria Falls (Darwin Award)
A Fast Escape (Honorable Mention)
A Honey of a Buzz (Darwin Award)
A Medical First at Oktoberfest (Honorable Mention)
AIDS, Bubonic Plague, and Human Evolution (Science Essay)
Aim to Win (Darwin Award)
Air Freshener (Personal Account)
airplane
Bombardier CRJ200
alcohol
alcohol dehydrogenase enzyme
All Wound Up (Darwin Award)
Amateur Bomb Inspector (Darwin Award)
amateur
arborist
auto mechanic
fireman
herpetologist
home repair
motorcycle mechanic
parachutist
scientist
spy
stunt man
vacuum repair
Annaliese Beery, Science Writer
anvil
Aquatic Apes are People, Too! (Science Essay)
Asphalt Tattoo (Darwin Award)
auger
cement
ice
Auto Blotto (Darwin Award)
axe
Baked Bullet Surprise (Honorable Mention)
balcony
handstand
spitting
Bannister to Heaven (Darwin Award)
barrel, oak
battery, car
bayonet attack
bear cub, abducted
bees
call of nature
stealing honey
bicycle. See vehicle.
bike, mountain
bird hunting
birthday
bison
BlackCats in the Pants (Personal Account)
Blast from the Past (Personal Account)
boat. See vehicle.
Bottom of the Barrel (Darwin Award)
bowel obstruction
Brake Care (Personal Account)
brake fluid, substitute
breathalyzer
bridge
briefcase, armed
Brother, Can You Spare a Banana? (Science Essay)
Bufo Marinus (Personal Account)
bugs, fumigation
bullet
blanks
in groin
Bullet-Brain (Personal Account)
bungee cord
buoyancy, of vehicle
butchers, angry
camera
camping
canoe
Captain Magneto (Personal Account)
car jack
battery as
Bobcat as
Catapult to Glory (Darwin Award)
Catching the Boat (Honorable Mention)
Caught in the Auger (Darwin Award)
cell phone
Chicken Little Was Right (Science Essay)
Chicken to Go (Darwin Award)
Chimney-Cleaning Grenade (Darwin Award)
chocolate
cigarette
at gas station
in munitions warehouse
in outhouse
with thallium
Clean Brake (Honorable Mention)
Cleaning Solution (Personal Account)
Cold Call (Darwin Award)
Coleman stove
fuel
college. See university.
competition