by J. M. Walker
A heavy hand landed on the back of my neck, squeezing my nape. “You are not a monster. I can tell you from personal experience that you can’t force someone to love you.”
I looked up as Matteo paused. His dark eyes took on a faraway look.
“I grew up in what you could say was an abusive home. To most it would be, anyways. Do I think I was abused? From all my training, I guess you could say I was but personally, I don’t believe it.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you I know how it feels, that I know how you feel, but Brett? I get it. My father didn’t hit me, he didn’t sexually abuse me but it was all mental. Did he mean to? I’m not sure. He was an adult. He definitely knew right from wrong but now that I’m a psychiatrist and from all the studying that I’ve done, I believe that something was off with him.” He took a breath. “He raised me to be a Dom.”
I scrubbed a hand down my face and looked up at the man sitting beside me. His eyes were cold, black, the lines around his mouth pronounced as nightmares, no doubt, flashed in the memory banks of his own personal hell. “A Dom?”
His jaw ticked. “A Sadist, actually. You tell me that you like to dish out pain. Well I…I need it. I have to make a woman hurt for me to feel any sort of connection with her. I need the pain to…” He swallowed. “Get off. My father fucked me up, Brett, so I guess it was mental abuse in a way.”
My mouth opened and closed but I had nothing. No words came out. For once in my life, I didn’t know what to say.
“By the time I was ten, I knew my way around a woman’s body. What turned her on. What pressure points that gave pleasure. How to tell if a woman was faking an orgasm. I was fucking ten years old. When I turned twelve? Instead of a bike or a baseball and glove like most kids got, I got my first whore.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked, my voice raw.
Matteo sighed and sat back, stretching his legs out on the table. “Honestly? I don’t know. I guess mainly because I don’t want you to think that you’re alone.”
I huffed and leaned my elbows on my knees. “Evvie has been so patient with me. The shit that I’ve put her through…why…”
“Are you questioning her love for you?”
I shook my head. “No. Never. I know she loves me but I’m scared that I’m going to do something major that will fuck that shit up.”
“How’s the jealousy?”
“I have my moments,” I mumbled. We hadn’t really been around other men for me to get jealous. My raging possessive side had lain dormant for a while.
Matteo laughed. “That guy from Mexico turn up again?”
“No.” I thought a moment. “Will my mom ever not be a trigger?”
“It’s hard to say. Maybe. Maybe not.” He sat forward. “But you need to know that this trigger is normal. You need to stop beating yourself up over it.”
I shook my head, scrubbing a hand down my face.
“How’s Evvie in all of this?”
“I’ve been…gentle…ish.”
He nodded. “Is this helping you?”
I scoffed. “No.” The constant need to rip into my wife’s body made my skin vibrate and my blood hum. The tender vanilla sex didn’t do it for me.
“Does it help ever?”
I thought a moment. “Sometimes. I’m trying.”
“I know, my man. I’ll tell you a story. Now I give you permission to tell your wife because I figured you would tell her anyways.”
I smiled. He knew me well.
***
The hot water beat against my body as I soaked up the scalding warmth.
After my session with Matteo, I felt stripped. Raw. Bared completely. It had always amazed me how he could get me to talk. Get inside my head, forcing the words from my lips. It took Evvie fucking weeks for me to open up to her. God, I was such an asshole. I didn’t deserve her. Not in the least.
The story that the good doctor told me made me feel sick. Like there was a constant ache in my gut.
“I’m not telling you this shit to compare notes. I’m telling you because I want you to know that you can make it through this. I tell all my patients that they are not alone but you are the only one that I’ve opened up this much to. My father loved me. I know he did. But he didn’t know how to show it in the conventional way. My mom died giving birth to me, so my dad did what he could. Little did I know as a child, that I was raised in a brothel. Women and men came and went of all ages and sizes. My dad never turned anyone away. If they made him money? He was happy.”
And here I thought I had it bad. Being raised in that kind of environment…I couldn’t even imagine what Matteo saw or went through.
“One of the memories I have that will probably stick with me forever was a woman strapped to our table, begging me to fuck her. I was sixteen. Still a boy. My dad told me exactly what to do to her. In most people’s eyes it would be sick. Twisted. Disturbing. I ask myself, am I mentally deranged now because of my childhood? Maybe I am. Did I become stronger? Yes. Do I hate my father for what he put me through? No. You want to know why? He made me into the man I am today. I’m here, helping people like you and for that, I thank him every day.”
“Brett?”
My cock jumped at Evvie’s smooth voice as she stepped into the bathroom. I opened the shower door and reached out for her.
A small smile splayed on her beautiful face as she stripped, throwing her work uniform on the floor. Never hesitating. Always ready for me. She never told me she was too tired or that she wasn’t feeling well. She knew I always needed the connection. The warmth of her body wrapped around me and I loved her more and more each day because of it.
Since getting home from my appointment to find out that she had gone into work to help my other staff, I had been desperate for her. I craved her. Her scent. Her touch. Her taste.
She took a step towards me and I pulled her into the shower. She gasped, her hands landing against my chest. “What’s wrong?”
I cupped her ass, holding her flush against me and leaned down to graze my nose up the side of her neck. “I need to feel you.” I gently tugged the elastic band out of her hair, letting loose her blond curls. I ran my fingers through her hair before holding her head in place as I brushed my mouth along hers. An electric spark travelled down my spine at the soft contact.
Evvie’s breathing picked up. “Everything okay?”
I smirked, nipping her bottom lip. “It will be.” After I fuck you into pure exhaustion, my sweet sweet wife.
Pulling her head back, I slipped my tongue between her lips, igniting a groan from us both. I could kiss her forever. Her lips. Her shoulders. Every inch of her. Her mouth tasted like honey, reminding me of the sweet juices from her center. “I want you wrapped around me for the rest of the night. I want to be so deep inside of your body, it’ll be like I’m making love to your soul.”
Her eyes fluttered closed. “I like the sound of that.”
I kissed her forehead and then her nose, breathing in her scent. My rattled nerves from my breakdown at the office calmed when the smell of my wife invaded my nostrils. Vanilla and lavender. My favorite.
Her hands rubbed up and down my arms, her beautiful blue eyes boring into mine. “Brett?”
Spinning her in my arms, I pushed her up against the cool tile wall. I held her hair in my hands, massaging and kneading her head.
“Hands on the wall, my sweet Evvie,” I demanded, trailing a finger down her spine.
She did as I said.
“Now,” I brushed her hair off of her nape. “I’m going to fuck your body and make love to your mind.”
Evvie nodded.
I hooked an arm around her middle and lifted her. “All you’re going to feel is me. You will smell…only me. Hear just my words. Shut off your thoughts as I consume every inch of you.”
She moaned, her fingers sliding down the wall. She curled her feet around my calves and leaned her head against my shoulder.
“I got you, my beautiful wife,” I whi
spered against her neck.
“I know.”
I slowly inched into her hot core and groaned. Once I was seated deep inside of her, I paused.
“Move. Please. I need to feel you move in me,” she begged.
Planting my foot, I cupped her inner thigh and sped up my hips. My thrusts soon turned rough, powerful as I held my wife suspended in the air.
Evvie whimpered, cries of pleasure leaving her beautiful lips. “More. Please.”
Fuck. Me. I wanted to rip her open. Split her pussy wide with my dick as I pulled the ecstasy from her body. “Tell me,” I growled.
“I love you. God, I love you so damn much.”
Our bodies met, the sounds of skin slapping erupting through the air. I placed her on her feet and bent her over at the waist before powering back into her body with an added force I knew she craved.
“Who do you belong to?” I demanded, nipping her shoulder.
“You. Always you. Forever, my husband,” she screamed as I pushed into her as deep as I could.
“That’s right, my little vixen. You are mine. Your body. Your soul. Your mind. All mine. And your hot cunt that I’m deep inside of right now is especially mine.”
She moaned, her core gripping me tight. “Always yours.”
Well didn’t that just make me go all caveman.
***
“Tell me about your session,” Evvie said softly as she dipped the cloth in the water before running it up my arm. I leaned against her and sighed, the warmth of the bath enveloping me.
Wrapping an arm around her bent leg, I placed a kiss on her knee. I took a deep breath and told her the story that Matteo gave me.
“He grew up in a brothel?”
“Yeah.” I felt bad for the guy but also respected him for trusting me enough to tell me his story. I knew I wasn’t alone but some days, I felt like I was. I also told her about me breaking down. I didn’t want to worry her but I needed her to know. I needed her to know that I was trying to get through the shit my mother had put me through.
“I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there,” she said, her voice thick.
“It’s not your fault. I thought I could do this on my own. Some days I can and some days I can’t. Today was a day that…that I couldn’t.”
“I’ll go with you from now on, I promise.”
I nodded, my body relaxing as she wrapped her arms around me. I told her the rest of Matteo’s story. With her listening intently to my every word, the only sound leaving her lips was a gasp here and an ‘Oh my gosh’ there.
“Are you still writing?” she asked me a moment later.
I was hoping she had forgotten about that. I wanted her to feel the full effect of the surprise. “Yes.”
“When can I read it?”
I turned to her and smiled at the curiosity written all over her face. “When I’m done.”
She sighed but nodded. “I hope it’s nothing bad. Is it the journal that Dr. Santos suggested?”
“In a way.” Although I was keeping the journal, I was also writing about our months together. Our story. And when it was ready for her to see, I prayed that she would let us read it together. I needed her to hear my words that I wrote just for her, leave my lips as I profess my true feelings for her.
I sat up and scrubbed a hand down my face. The droplets of water ran down my back sending a shiver down my spine. I love you, my sweet Evvie. Why is it so hard for me to tell you exactly how I feel?
“I feel like there’s something wrong.”
I scoffed. “There’s always something wrong.”
She trailed kisses on my shoulders and wrapped her arms around me, holding me. “I love you, Brett. I hope you know that. You’re the strongest person I know and I thank God every day for you.”
My eyes burned as a lump forced its way into my throat. “Evvie,” I whispered.
“I do. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I wasn’t there for you as a child but I’m here for you as a man. For the rest of our lives. I am here.”
A sob escaped my mouth and I broke. Again. She held me as I cried, my body shaking with an added force. “I wanted her to love me. That’s all I ever wanted.”
“I know, baby,” Evvie whispered, squeezing me.
My heart skipped a beat at her term of endearment but I couldn’t stop the cries of anguish or the words from leaving my lips. “For the longest time, I blamed my father and God for giving me to her. I used to ask constantly why I was born.”
“Oh my husband. I’m so sorry. So very very sorry.” Evvie’s voice was thick as she cried along with me.
At that point I realized we were emotionally connected. She felt what I felt. Cried when I cried. Laughed when I laughed. To have that bond with another human being was beyond love. It went deep. And I felt it right down to my soul.
A small hand wrapped around my wrist, tugging gently on my arm.
I looked up and saw that Evvie had gotten out of the bathtub. She held a white towel in her hand, a small smile on her face. Her blue eyes were warm with love but no pity showcased in them and for that, I fell in love with her more.
No words were said as I allowed her to pull me out of the bathtub. Running the soft towel over my body, she dried off the water, kissing my skin every so often.
When she was done, she entwined our fingers and led me to our bed. My inner Alpha that usually wanted to ravish her, stayed quiet as I watched my wife crawl onto the large mattress. I realized then that I needed this. My emotions had been stripped raw, that the only way to feel like myself again would be to make love to my wife.
Evvie pulled me into her arms and ran her hands down my back as I knelt between her knees. She kissed my bicep and stared up at me, waiting.
For a brief second I fought with the urge to power into her body but that soon changed when I realized her soft gentle touches were what I really needed. As much as I liked it rough, needed it most days, at this point, I wanted to savor her. Slowly.
Brushing my mouth along hers, I dipped my tongue between her lips at the same time as I inched into the warmth of her body.
A sharp intake of breath left her lips as she deepened the kiss and ran her hands down my back.
Her snug core wrapped around me, gripping me tight as I made love to her for the first time ever. Yes, every time I was inside of her, it was love but this was something else. Something deeper. Raw. Emotional. Real. I could actually feel the love my wife had for me as I moved inside her body. Our most intimate places connected that went beyond just our bodies. At that moment, I couldn’t think of any other time where I truly felt connected to her. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. It was all there. Swirling around us. As one.
As I kissed her, I could taste the salt on our lips. Was she crying? Was it me? Either way, I didn’t care. I loved her. More than I ever thought was possible. For her, I would become stronger. She was my light. My life. My world. I lived and breathed Evvie. I was a broken child. A destroyed man. A possessive lover. A husband who was learning to heal. She was patient. And for that, I would always be grateful to her.
My body shook, a shiver racing down my spine as I shot my release into her. She moaned, my name leaving her lips while her body welcomed my orgasm.
Still connected, I stared down at her before kissing her forehead. Always having issues finding the right words, I said the first thing that came to mind. The only words that allowed me to truly explain how I felt. “Thank you.”
***
Screams. Loud agonizing screams pounded inside my skull. My skin tingled. My body hurt. My muscles ached.
“Stop. Please stop.”
Was that my voice? My mind couldn’t wrap around the words as they pleaded and begged.
“Stop. Oh God. Stop.”
Why? Why couldn’t I make out that voice? It was raw, gritty, like the person had gargled with broken glass. Pain. So much pain. I could hear the terror in the man’s voice. He was young. A teenager?
“I can’t. I can’t take it
anymore.”
My eyes widened. Me. It was me. I was saying those words. I was begging. I was pleading for the pain to stop. To go away. To leave me alone.
A flash of white hot agony raced down my spine and I screamed. Screamed until my voice gave out. Screamed until everything went black. Screamed until I was nothing but an empty shell.
My eyes shot open. My chest rose and fell with ragged breath, my heart racing against my chest. Holy. Fuck.
With a shaky hand, I scrubbed it down my sweat soaked face and sat up. My cock, hard and thick, rested against my stomach. I couldn’t. The need to be inside of my wife tried to take control. The want and drive for it was almost hard to resist but I had to. For her safety as well as my own.
The first time I had a nightmare since my mom came back into my life, I attacked Evvie. Practically forcing the submission from her. I remembered her cries of pleasure but the look of shock was what really bothered me. But now, God, I…a hot shiver ran down my spine as a soft moan sounded behind me. No. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. Not again. I was rough. Almost raping her the once, I couldn’t do it again.
My body was frozen, I couldn’t move as I sat on the edge of the bed. My hand moved of its own accord and wrapped around my thick length. A hiss escaped my lips at the contact, my dick threatening to explode under my touch.
