by J. M. Walker
“Brett?”
I shook my head, my hand moving up the shaft of my cock. Squeezing. Gripping tight to the point of breaking. My eyes welled, a hot tremor rattling through my body. Dark erotic pain mixing with indescribable amounts of pleasure made my mind swirl. It had to do. I wouldn’t attack her again. I couldn’t.
“Baby, come to me.”
“No,” I growled and sped up my strokes. I couldn’t control the need for a release. My nightmares always left me hard and aching. I couldn’t explain it. Matteo said it was normal. Was it really?
“Brett, you’re hurting yourself.”
My eyes opened at Evvie’s cry and saw her standing in front of me. Her pale naked form glowed in the moonlight.
She grabbed my hand, attempting to pry my grip from myself but I wouldn’t let go. “Please. Let me help you,” she begged.
“I refuse to attack you.” The deep vibrato reigned through the room. Was that even my voice?
“I don’t care. Please stop,” she begged.
“Fuck…I…I can’t.” My hand sped up, the other pinching the tip hard enough to make a cry of agony leave my lips. My hips jerked, the sharp delicious pain spreading throughout my body. “Evvie.”
“Stop,” she screamed, scratching and pulling at my hands.
I wouldn’t let go. I couldn’t.
Her eyes shone, glossing over as she watched me abuse myself. “Please.”
“I need…I…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” A sob escaped my throat, my length pulsing as the warmth of my release coated my stomach. My body shook, a simmering pain humming through me.
Evvie grabbed a towel from the hamper and cleaned me up, her brows furrowed. She knelt between my legs and kissed my lower stomach before placing light pecks on my flaccid length. “Don’t you dare ever hurt yourself again. Not for me. Not for anyone. I don’t care if you have a nightmare. If you need inside me, you better damn well wake me up.”
I shook my head. I refused—
She pulled me off the bed until I landed on my ass and straddled my lap. The heat from her core washed over me but I was done. Mentally exhausted from the torture I had caused myself. Shame and guilt soared through my very being but I wouldn’t apologize for it. I’d rather hurt myself then to hurt her again.
“Right here. Right now?” She pointed between us. “That was the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life,” she said, her voice cracking.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” Tears flowed down my cheeks. For the first time in my life, I shied away. Embarrassed over what she had seen but more disgusted with myself. Would I ever get better? Would this ever get easier? A couple of days would go by and everything would be good, I would actually start to feel like a normal fucking human being and then bam…shit hits the fan and I have a damn nightmare.
“I am so fucking pissed at you right now.”
“Evvie, please,” I begged, running my hands up her bare back.
“You should have used me. You should have.” She hiccupped. “I…I love you too damn much to see you hurt yourself like that,” she cried into my shoulder.
Holding her tight, I inhaled her scent. Vanilla. Lavender. Me. “I’m sorry.” For scaring her but not for hurting myself.
“No,” she pulled back. “You do that again…”
“What?”
Her shoulders slumped. “It kills me when you hurt. I’m your wife. Don’t you ever forget that.”
“I haven’t.” I swallowed hard. “Trust me.”
She exhaled slowly, brushing a strand of hair out of my eyes. “Promise me. If you can’t wake me up when you need a release, do something else but don’t hurt yourself. Please. I am begging you.”
I didn’t know what had come over me. But seeing the fear in my wife’s eyes over what I had done, that shit would never happen again. I would never put that look on her face again. Never. I nodded.
“Tell me,” she demanded.
I licked my dry lips and took a breath. “I promise.”
After my session with Dr. Santos and my multiple breakdowns with you, I am exhausted. Emotionally stripped. Raw. I feel like I’m standing on a stage, buck assed naked for the world to see. Bared to all.
My body aches like I ran a marathon or spent hours making love to you. But the crazy thing is, I feel better. I can’t explain it. I don’t know if I want to.
I worry that you are disgusted by me and by my actions last night. I don’t know what had come over me. That has never happened before when I woke from the nightmare. The need for a release was so strong, all I could think about was meeting that. It took everything in me not to dive deep inside your body and fuck the shit out of you. Destroying you.
Curbing that craving until I exploded. I didn’t want to attack you. I thought about it. Of course I did. I would be a fucking liar if I didn’t. But after almost raping you and, you can deny it but I almost did, I never want that to happen again. I would destroy myself, rip off my own dick before I forced anything from you. Yes, I force your pleasure. I force your submission. But to force you to fuck me? Never. Never in a million fucking years.
This entry will be short as I can’t concentrate but I hope that when you read this, everything is back to normal for us. That I truly don’t disgust you and that you still love me. Always. Forever. My one. My only.
SIX
Evvie’s hold on me was tight as she half covered my body with hers. After my breakdown, I couldn’t sleep but I did feel better. “I love you, my sweet sweet Evvie and I am so sorry you had to see that part of myself,” I whispered, caressing my hand over her smooth back.
She lifted her head, looking down at me and placed a soft kiss on my lips.
“I thought you were sleeping.”
A soft smile splayed on her beautiful face. “No.”
We laid there for what felt like hours, staring at each other, enjoying each other’s presence.
“How are you doing?” she asked, brushing my bangs off of my forehead.
I shrugged. The area between my legs had hurt from my self-abuse but the soft kisses and touches from Evvie, made that pain go away, at least a little bit. “I need to go for a run,” I blurted.
She raised an eyebrow. “At four in the morning?”
I nodded. “And I’m going to make an emergency appointment for today with Matteo.”
“Good. Want me to come with you?”
“I need you to come with me,” I corrected and sat up.
“Did you want to talk about your nightmare?”
My back stiffened. I never told her about them. I didn’t even tell Matteo about them. I had moments where I couldn’t remember them but then the ones I did remember, threatened to ruin me.
“I heard screaming,” I said, and pulled on my grey sweat pants followed by a white t-shirt. “The voice was begging over and over for the pain to stop. For the person to stop hurting them.”
“Was it you that was screaming?” Evvie asked softly.
I turned to her. “Yes.”
She nodded and sighed, a shaky breath leaving her lips. “Can I come for a run with you?”
“Really?”
“Yes.” She rang her hands in her lap and looked away.
I closed the distance between us and pinched her chin, forcing her to meet my gaze. “Thank you. For everything. And again, I am sorry. Without you, I would have destroyed myself a long time ago.”
Tells welled in her eyes and she threw her arms around me. “Don’t ever destroy yourself. Be who you are. Be the Brett that I fell in love with.”
Running my hands down her back, I pulled her against me. “I need to change.”
Evvie cupped my cheeks and placed soft kisses on my face. “No. Don’t change. Get healed. Get better but don’t you dare change. You are perfect the way that you are.”
I scoffed and grabbed her wrists. “I am nowhere near perfect, lover.”
“I don’t want to lose the man I fell in love with. You are perfect. To me.”
“If
I’m perfect, it’s only because of you.”
***
“Good thing I built up your stamina, lover,” I joked, jogging alongside my wife.
She laughed, her breath leaving her in shorts bursts of air. “Not as much stamina as you, lover boy. I’ve never met a man who could go for hours without at least coming once.”
“You better not meet any man that can go for hours,” I growled, smacking her lightly on the ass.
Evvie rolled her eyes and moved in front of me, running backwards. “You know what I mean.”
I snarled and picked up my pace igniting a squeal from her. I chuckled. As soon as we got outside, it was like everything that happened over the last day and a bit was forgotten. That’s one thing I loved about running. I could close my mind. Forget about my problems and just feel the fresh air washing over my skin. I loved running at night when the city was asleep.
“So is this what you do at night when I find the spot beside me empty?”
I grinned. “Yes or I write or do work shit.”
“Is your work taking a toll on you?”
I glanced down at her before looking straight ahead. “Sometimes I feel it is. I love my job. But the control I need isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.”
“I know, my husband,” she said softly.
We continued running in silence when a thought came to me. “I have a proposition for you.”
Evvie threw her head back and laughed. “Remember what happened the last time you propositioned me?”
“Yeah. I fell in love with you.” I could feel Evvie’s heated gaze on me. A small smile spread on my face. “Manage The Red Love for me.”
“Excuse me?”
I cursed myself. “Will you manage The Red Love for me? Please?”
Evvie grabbed my arm and stopped us both in our tracks. “You want me to manage your club? Your first? Your baby?”
I laughed. “Yes. You won’t have to work behind the bar unless you want to. All you need to do is make sure the staff is happy, the food and alcohol is stocked and the club is clean. I would love to make you manager and it would save me a lot of time so I can focus on other things.”
She thought a moment, her eyes warming. “I would love to.”
“Really?”
She grinned and wrapped her arms around my waist. “Yes. Thank you for asking me.”
I kissed her head. “I wouldn’t trust my club with anyone else, Evvie.”
She winked at me. “I know, baby.”
My heart fluttered. I enjoyed that new term of endearment. “Good.”
“I understand why you like running but I’d rather get the burn in my muscles from you making love to me for hours,” she said, waggling her eyebrows.
My body hummed at Evvie’s words. “I think we should call it a night then.”
She giggled. A wicked glint flashed in her gaze before she turned back around in the direction of our apartment building. “You have to catch me first.”
I watched her take off. Giving her a head start, I waited and counted to ten before I took off after her.
Once reaching the apartment building, Evvie didn’t bother taking the elevator and ran for the door that marked the entry to the stairs.
“You’re going to take fifteen flights of stairs, lover?”
She darted up the first flight and slowed as I sauntered towards her. “I was hoping that you would catch me.”
My dick lengthened. It was all a game to her and I fucking loved every moment of it. “You want me to chase you?”
She licked her lips, slowly walking up the stairs. “Yes.”
I followed her, holding back until I was ready to pounce. She was my prey and when I caught her, I would let her know that she could never run away from me. Ever.
Evvie made it to the fifth floor before I caught her. She squealed, struggling in my hold as I pushed her against the stairs.
“I love when you run but I love catching you more.” I pulled her pants down to her knees and fisted her hair. “You’re going to let me fuck you right here and then I’m going to make sweet love to your body for the rest of the night.”
She reached behind her and cupped my dick over my pants. “Now. Please.”
I growled and grabbed both her hands, pinning them above her head. “We’re doing this my way, lover.”
She panted and waited in anticipation.
As much as I wanted to continue making her wait, I needed inside of her hot body. Pulling out my rigid length, I gave a couple strokes before sinking into her pussy.
Evvie moaned, meeting me thrust for thrust as I gave us both what we needed.
Bracing myself on the stairs, I powered into her, her cries of pleasure echoing through the stairwell. “Your cunt is nice and soaked. Always ready for me.”
“Oh God, you feel so good,” she moaned, arching her back.
Tightening my hold on her hair, I leaned over her. “Feel me deep inside of you. The fullness of my cock. The power of my thrusts.”
“I do. All of it.”
My hips sped up, the sounds and sweet scent of sex erupting through the dark stairwell. If people walked by the doorway, they would hear us and at that point, I didn’t fucking care. I was making my wife feel good and that was all that I cared about.
***
“Tell me what happened,” Dr. Santos demanded. He looked between Evvie and I and waited.
“We had a moment last night,” Evvie answered, holding my hand in hers. “That’s why we set up this emergency appointment.”
After our run that morning and our time in the stairwell, my wife let me use her body for the rest of the morning to satisfy my needs. I could never repay her for the things that she allowed me to do to her. Even though I knew in the beginning that she was submissive to my touch, it didn’t mean shit when she said no. Not that she ever did. Except for the once.
My stomach clenched as guilt ate at my soul. Never again would I allow my mother to trigger that rage in me. It was one thing to feel better after being inside of my wife but to almost rape her? I didn’t fucking think so. For that, I would never forgive my mom. Even after all the shit she threw my way, I could take it. Bring Evvie into the mix and I was a raging lunatic.
“Brett?”
I looked up and found both Matteo and Evvie staring at me. “Sorry,” I mumbled.
“Don’t be, but I need you out of your head for the next little bit, alright?” Matteo said softly.
I nodded. Matteo had told me that I was the only one he kept his schedule open for and would drop or cancel any of his other meetings for. I didn’t know why exactly. Maybe he took me under his wing. He wanted to help me. I got that. Whatever the reason was, I was thankful.
Matteo shifted in his seat. “You mentioned a moment. Both of you had one or Brett did?”
“Both of us,” Evvie responded, rubbing her thumb back and forth over my hand. “I…I woke up to Brett hurting himself.”
My chest tightened as the memories of me hurting myself forced their way into my mind. “I had a nightmare.”
Matteo nodded. “Go on, Evvie.”
She took a breath and explained what she saw. “I’m worried that one of these days, he’ll do more than just hurt himself.”
My head snapped to hers. Hearing her say that she was scared that I would do more than hurt myself ate at my gut. Did she think I would try to commit suicide? What had I done? How could I put that fear in her? It was bad enough that I put her through what I did in the beginning, but now? This was fucking worse.
“Brett?”
I shook my head. “I can’t…I couldn’t…I couldn’t control it. Evvie, I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I just…I was saying how I felt,” she whispered, her eyes glossing over.
Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, I kissed her head.
“Brett, like I said yesterday, we’ll help you. You will get through this. Both of you.”
I met Matteo’s warm gaze. “I f
eel like I’m losing it. One moment I’m fine, the next I’m not. I can’t control it. These dreams or memories, whatever you want to call them, I can’t calm down until I have a release. I’m going fucking crazy, like I need to be in a mental hospital or something.”
Evvie gasped, shaking her head. “No. I don’t think so. Let me help you. Let us…help you but there is no way that I would ever see you drugged up. I know they help some people but you? No. Please, God, no.”
“Hey.” I pulled her against me. “I promise. I won’t admit myself.” I held her tight. “I promise,” I whispered over and over.
“Please don’t form him,” Evvie begged. “I know there is an issue but we’ll help him. Please. We have to.”
Matteo rubbed his jaw, his dark eyes moving between us. “I won’t form him. Brett isn’t unstable but I do fear that if he doesn’t take control of these nightmares, he will lose himself. And that would be worse than being put on those drugs.”
“Never. I’ll take control. I will,” I said, my voice firm. “I have to. I can’t…I can’t keep doing this to her.”
“It’s not just me, Brett. You need to get out of your head.” Her voice lowered. “I can help you. Like you helped me,” she suggested.
Memories of Vegas and her kneeling on the floor, begging me to help her forget even just for a moment flowed through my mind. Could I submit to her? That deep Dominating Alpha inside of me refused, but the way my body heated, my cock jerking, made me wonder.
“On your time, baby,” she whispered. “But you need out of your head. I can help you. I…I can…Dominate you.” Her cheeks reddened as she looked away like she was embarrassed at even suggesting such a thing.
My gaze flicked to Matteo’s. He nodded once. Encouraging me? I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know if he could hear what my wife was saying to me but it wouldn’t surprise me. He rose to his feet and headed to his desk, rooting through some papers.
Leaning down, I brushed my lips along Evvie’s ear making her shiver. “You want me kneeling, submitting to your touch, bending to your will, my sweet beautiful wife?”
“I want to help you get out of your head,” she whispered.
