Holding on to Normal

by Alana Somerville

  Contents

  Foreword by Elizabeth Hurley

  Prologue

  Part One

  SHOCK

  1. Before and After

  2. Falling Apart

  3. Stupid Pink Everywhere

  4. Diagnosis

  5. Positive Thoughts, Damn It!

  6. Squeaky Wheel

  7. Will I Wake Up Again?

  8. Missing Pieces

  9. Bad News

  Part Two

  FIRST STEPS

  10. Oncology Logic

  11. Welcome to Chemo!

  12. The Red Devil

  13. Do They Stay or Do They Go?

  14. It’s Only Hair, Isn’t It?

  15. It’s My Party, and I’ll Cry If I Want To

  16. Everything Is Crap

  Part Three

  LOST

  17. Taking It All Off

  18. A Numbers Game

  19. The Great Unknown

  20. Nesting

  21. Moving, Moving, Moving . . . On

  22. Grasping at Straws

  23. What a Pain

  Part Four

  WILL I MAKE IT?

  24. Distraction

  25. Burn, Baby, Burn—or Not

  26. “Real” or Fake?

  27. Overreaction

  28. Planning Ahead

  29. Mission Accomplished

  Part Five

  TURNING THE CORNER

  30. The New, Boobless Me

  31. Signs of Emotion

  32. Abiding Scars

  33. Who Me, a Survivor?

  34. On Trial

  35. Final Surgery

  36. Finishing Touches

  37. A Gift from the Heart

  Epilogue

  Photographs

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  This is for my children, Charley and Rudy.

  I fight for you, in the hopes that you will never have to wage this war.

  This is also for Talia.

  You were the strongest warrior I’ve ever known. I continue this fight for you.

  Foreword

  I met Alana in Toronto during Breast Cancer Awareness Month, October 2014. She gave me a copy of this book, Holding on to Normal, and I started it that evening on my flight to New York. I read without pause to the end. I felt drained but enlightened as I journeyed with Alana in her fight against this terrible disease.

  While it’s not pure enjoyment, it’s a captivating and riveting read that inspires and instills hope. I urge everyone to read it, in order to truly know what it means to be diagnosed with breast cancer.

  We all hope we never go through it, although one woman in eight will. Alana’s book has inspired me to continue raising funds and awareness for breast cancer, and I commend her bravery in sharing her experience with us.

  ELIZABETH HURLEY

  PROLOGUE

  Everything changed the summer of 2010.

  We had just returned from a week at our friend’s cottage up north near Haliburton, Ontario—my husband, Greg; our three-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Charley; our six-month-old son, Rudy; and me. We normally would go up north at least once or twice a summer. We would fish, jump off the dock, swim in the river and have bonfires at night.

  The time away had been wonderful, as usual, especially because it allowed me to step away from my life at home, which always seemed so busy. I’m the type of person who can’t sit still. Whenever I do, a little voice in my head runs through all the things I could be or should be doing. I’ve always found it impossible to leave things until another day. Going up north forced me to do just that. Even the kids had extra eyes on them, so I could relax and breathe in a way I could never do at home. And I’d also begun weaning Rudy, cutting out a couple of feedings during the day and replacing them with formula. The new routine seemed to be working well for both of us.

  Basically, my life was perfect. I had everything I had ever wanted. I was married, with two beautiful children. My husband and I had built a house with a pool in a quiet little neighborhood with great neighbors. I was the only one out of three children in my family whose first house was a brand-new one. I had a job as a teacher, loved my work colleagues and had good ties with friends. I was healthy, Greg was healthy, my kids were healthy.

  Two years before our cottage trip, though, I began questioning things. Could my life really be going so well? What if there was a threat I couldn’t see? While it sounds weird in retrospect, I think I had a gut feeling that someday something would go wrong. In 2008, when I was thirty-one years old, I decided I needed to have a mammogram.

  Of course my doctor questioned my reasoning. “Why do you want to do that? Do you have a family history?” he asked.

  That was reasonable. In fact, I had no family history of breast cancer other than a maternal great-aunt who’d had it. And my doctor didn’t actually consider that to constitute a family history.

  “I realize I’m way too young to get breast cancer, and I’m very low risk,” I said. I also knew that breastfeeding my daughter for nine months reduced my breast cancer risk. And I ate healthily, I exercised, and I didn’t smoke.

  So why did I want to have a mammogram?

  “I’ve heard that having a baseline record of breast health could be useful if anything ever comes up in the future,” I said.

  My doctor nodded, not entirely convinced, but at least listening. In the end, he sent me to a breast screening clinic at the local hospital for a mammogram. “Just so you know,” he warned, “it might hurt a bit. You okay with that?”

  “Sure,” I said. “No problem.”

  He was right. It did hurt a bit. But it wasn’t so bad, at least for me. The end result? My breasts were a little dense, which is common in young women. Most important, though, they were normal. Wonderful! That was exactly what I wanted to hear, and I felt reassured. Life truly was great.

  And life remained great two years later. After we returned home from the cottage, the whole family settled into our usual routine. As I continued to wean Rudy, my breasts produced less milk. Rudy still woke for his regular four A.M. feeding, and the night everything changed—Saturday, August 21, 2010—was no exception. As I picked Rudy up and placed him on the pillow on my lap, I eased into the routine of feeding. I always felt lucky to have the bonding experience of breastfeeding, something that fathers miss out on—although I would have preferred to bond at a more reasonable hour of the day.

  I cuddled Rudy’s body close to mine, soaking in that special baby smell as he nursed. I looked down at his satisfied little face, and I couldn’t help but smile. He looked just like my daughter, Charley, had as a baby and yet was himself. I shifted him and that’s when my world stopped.

  I felt a lump in my breast.

  Part One

  SHOCK

  Chapter 1

  BEFORE AND AFTER

  Idivide my life into two parts: before I was diagnosed with breast cancer and after.

  Before, I worried that other people around me would have to go through heartbreak, illness or grief, and that I’d have to find the courage to help them. I also thought I’d live to be older than a lot of my family members, and I worried about ending up alone, because surely I was the heartiest, the strongest. Surely I’d be the last to go. In hindsight, this seems a little shortsighted, because it never occurred to me I could be faced with anything difficult. It would only be someone else. Nothing bad would happen to me.

  Now I was fully awake. I put Rudy back in his crib and examined myself more thoroughly. Was my other breast like this? No, it wasn’t. When did this lump show up? How long had it been there without my noticing? What was I supposed to do now, in the middle of the night? How could I tell my husband about i
t without making him nervous?

  An even better question was, How would I tell my mother? She had just had a biopsy herself six months before, but fortunately, the results had come back clear. It had been a tough time for all of us as we waited for those results. The thought of losing my mom had rocked me to the core. Now I couldn’t help but think to myself, Here we go again.

  I imagined what I would say to her. “Hey, Mom, I know it sounds silly, but I have this tiny lump in my breast, so I thought I should get it checked out. Probably nothing. Probably due to breastfeeding.” That’s what I’d say. I would downplay it for her, because this was nothing we needed to be worried about.

  I thought about my friends, too. I wanted to ask them if they’d ever had lumps like this. After all, most of them had breastfed within the last couple of years or were doing it now. This must have happened to them, too. They just didn’t tell me about it.

  I tried to breathe, to not imagine the worst. But it was so hard. How could I possibly fall back asleep again? I thought about those whispers, that gut feeling I’d had two years before. But the mammogram was clear, I told myself. I clung to those results. They couldn’t be wrong. Nothing could be wrong.

  I paced up and down the hallway. It was the weekend—how could I possibly wait till Monday to call my doctor? The first family doctor I had consulted, Doctor 1, the one who had hesitated about sending me for a mammogram but eventually did, had subsequently been replaced by a new doctor, Doctor 2. (Little did I know it at the time, but there would soon be many more doctors in my life.) I had much more confidence in this doctor, but after all, it was Sunday morning. It wasn’t like I could call for reassurance. But I’d had a full physical by Doctor 2 just two months earlier, and he had given me a clean bill of health. He didn’t examine my breasts, though, because I was breastfeeding—or at least that’s what I assumed. I did remember what he said at the end of the checkup: “You have a passport to old age.”

  After much more pacing, I crawled back into bed beside Greg. I was shivering. I tried to sneak in close to him to warm up, but the shaking wouldn’t stop. I wasn’t cold. I was in shock. I felt so alone. I couldn’t clear my mind. I thought about every worst-case scenario. I tried to reason with myself, but it was impossible.

  It was one of the longest nights of my life.

  When I woke up and came out of our bedroom the next morning, Greg was in the kitchen. I joined him and poured myself a coffee, trying to think of what to say to him. My hand trembled as I poured some milk into my steaming cup. When I told Greg, I couldn’t look at him. In some small way—I can’t explain why—I felt embarrassed.

  “I found a lump,” I said. I didn’t feel the need to explain.

  “When?”

  “Last night when I got up to feed Rudy.” Still, I couldn’t look at him.

  “Can you show me?” he asked, concern in his voice.

  I took off my bra and guided Greg’s hand to the spot, hoping he wouldn’t feel it, hoping it had disappeared.

  But it hadn’t.

  “I’m sure it’s nothing,” he said. “Try not to worry. It probably has something to do with the fact that you’re starting to wean Rudy. But go get it checked out.”

  Greg was always interested in medical situations because he was a volunteer firefighter—he usually had lots to say. The fact that he didn’t this time kind of worried me. I was looking for reassurance.

  I called my mother and gave her my planned lines. She was worried right away. “When did you find it?” she asked, and the questions continued from there. “When did you check your breasts last time? Is it hard? Where is it exactly? Does it hurt? Can you breastfeed?”

  I answered as best I could. “I don’t remember the last time I checked my breasts. I’m breastfeeding, but less now. No one told me to check them while I’m breastfeeding. They’re huge and uncomfortable, and the last thing I want to do is feel them. It’s on my lower left side. It doesn’t hurt. Rudy has been losing interest lately. Do you think that’s why?” I was starting to panic, but she reminded me that I’d had mastitis in my early breastfeeding days with Charley and suggested it could be that.

  This was different, though. Mastitis was painful; this lump wasn’t. When I had mastitis, my breasts had been warm and red, as if there was an infection, and that wasn’t the case now, either.

  “You should call your doctor right away tomorrow morning.”

  “Of course,” I said. I hung up. I fed the kids, then went into the living room with them.

  “Mommy, you’re not paying attention!” Charley sounded just like me when I scolded her, but she was right: I simply couldn’t focus on the game she wanted to play. I turned on the television, found one of Charley’s favorite shows, then snuggled up with her on the couch, hoping she wouldn’t notice how distracted I was. We snuggled for about twenty minutes, but that’s as long as it lasted.

  “Let’s go for a swim,” Charley said.

  I didn’t feel like it, but I knew it would make the time pass.

  “All right, go get your bathing suit. I’ll get Rudy ready.” Rudy wasn’t walking yet, so I had to get him set up in the bouncy chair outside. I knew we wouldn’t be out for long—Rudy would start crying, and Charley couldn’t be left alone in the water. But Greg joined us outside a short while later and kept Charley happy in the pool while I fed Rudy. We spent most of the day playing out there, but I couldn’t stop thinking about that lump.

  That night I had dinner with friends and told them.

  “I remember a similar situation when I was breastfeeding,” one of them said. “My doctor gave me antibiotics and told me to ice the lump and come back in two weeks. It disappeared. Yours will, too. Don’t worry.”

  I hoped so.

  That evening after I got home from dinner, I was edgy. I was anxious. I was downright irritable. It was impossible to sleep, and even though I tried not to think about the lump in my breast, it was futile.

  Monday morning finally came, and I phoned the office of Doctor 2 as soon as it opened.

  “Good morning. May I help you?” the nurse on the line answered.

  “Hi, it’s Alana Somerville. I need to make an appointment with the doctor.” My voice was calm and polite, but I wasn’t feeling calm at all. I wanted to just show up at the office right away. I wanted to get in to see him right that second. I didn’t care if anyone else had a sore throat or an ingrown toenail. This was me, and it was important. But I knew yelling through the phone and demanding I be a top priority wouldn’t help get me in sooner. One of the most important life lessons my mother taught me was to ask for what you want in the nicest way possible until you get it.

  “He doesn’t have anything available until Friday. Does that work?”

  “It doesn’t,” I said, remaining calm. “I’ve just discovered a lump in my breast. I’m very concerned and I’m going to come in today to be looked at. What time can I come in?”

  There was a pause at the other end of the line. “How about three o’clock?”

  That was exactly the response I was hoping for. My jaw unclenched. I could actually breathe for a moment. I had an appointment.

  Chapter 2

  FALLING APART

  Waiting for my appointment felt like an eternity. Once I got to the office, I waited forty-five minutes to be called in, and another fifteen minutes in the exam room. I was impatient, to say the least, and the minutes felt like hours. I tried flipping through fashion magazines to distract myself, but my hands were too shaky and I wasn’t even interested in looking at photos or reading the articles. The bra advertisements also kept reminding me of the reason I was there, so I closed the magazine and slapped it down on the table, frustrated. Finally, in came Doctor 2. A nurse practitioner followed him in. I figured she was probably there because the doctor would be examining my breast. I had never had my breasts examined before—the only time someone in the medical field had touched my breasts was during that first mammogram, two years prior.

  “I understand
you noticed a lump?” Doctor 2 said.

  “Yes, and I know it wasn’t there before.”

  He carefully examined my breast. I stared at a medical poster on the wall as his fingers pushed into my flesh. I stared at the tongue compressors and cotton balls in the jars on the counter. He was kneading now, searching. I looked at at the ceiling tiles, noticing where the leaks were and how the ceiling tile in the corner didn’t quite fit properly. For some reason, I didn’t want to make eye contact with him, possibly because I was scared I’d see a reaction on his face. I also felt embarrassed—I was being touched in an intimate place by a virtual stranger. Why was this happening to me?

  “Here,” he said at last. “This is the spot.” I think he was speaking to me, but at the same time it seemed like he was having a dialogue with himself, talking himself through the examination. He indicated an area in the lower left quadrant of my left breast. He had found the lump—which meant it was indeed there and was big enough for him to feel. I felt as though my life rested in his hands. I looked at him for the first time.

  “I’m glad it’s movable,” he said. “That means it’s not attached to your breastbone.”

  What if it was? What would that mean? I was too shaken to ask those questions out loud.

  “I’m going to refer you for an ultrasound and a mammogram to rule out anything sinister,” he said.

  I knew in the back of my head that this “sinister” thing he was talking about was the dreaded C-word, but I couldn’t quite absorb that. The exam was over, and I was told I could get dressed, so I did. I left the office without asking any questions at all. This can’t possibly be happening to me, I thought as I walked down the street towards my car.

  The days that followed between my consultation with Doctor 2 and the mammogram and ultrasound were brutal. I was in a daze and kept telling myself this must be a mistake. I sat at my computer, researching all the possible scenarios that could play out, but that was the wrong thing to do. I got redirected to website after website about cancer. Everything pointed to cancer.