Skin

by Patricia Rosemoor

  A fact that made him smile in satisfaction as he walked away.

  oOo

  Chapter 5

  LILITH HAD INHERITED her green thumb and affinity to nature from Mama. Her favorite haunts weren’t shopping malls or dance clubs but conservatories and zoos. Luckily Elena shared her interest, so she set out for the Botanic Gardens with her on Sunday afternoon. Her way of distracting herself. Otherwise she would sit at home, waiting for Hannah to call and be disappointed yet again. She couldn’t force Hannah to take her back into her life.

  They spent the morning having breakfast overlooking a waterfowl pond, followed by walks through the rose garden and across the Japanese islands. A good, if temporary, distraction for the thing really bothering her.

  On the train ride home, Lilith decided to tell Elena about finding her sister.

  “You know that ad for Club Paradise? The reason the woman in the ad looked like me... that was my sister. I finally found her.”

  Elena gaped at her. “You’re sure it was Hannah?”

  “I went to the club myself, Elena. Unfortunately, Hannah wasn’t exactly glad to see me. She thinks I don’t love her. She’s changed so much. Hardened. I can only imagine what she suffered through all these years. I might have recognized her, but she isn’t the same person I remember. Her innocence is long gone.”

  “Hey, Lilith, we were all innocent once.”

  Lilith’s heart grew heavy as she thought about it. “Now the question is, how do I rebuild my relationship with her?”

  “That’s a tough one. Take it slow, I guess. Let her know you’re open to her being in your life and see her reaction.”

  “So far, her reaction isn’t good. She blames me, Elena, because I abandoned her.”

  “You didn’t abandon her. You went to school so you could get a decent job.”

  “Try convincing her of that.”

  If only she could understand Hannah’s satisfaction with her life, Lilith thought. Why would any woman want to take a job where she was just a thing to a man? Maybe because she’d never learned to respect herself. How could she, living with a stepfather whose sole purpose in life had been terrorizing women.

  She let the subject drop. The rest of the ride played out in an uneasy silence.

  When the conductor announced Elena’s stop, her friend said, “That’s me. Stay strong, honey. It’ll all work out. You’ll see.”

  “From your lips.”

  Lilith hugged Elena good-bye and prepared herself. Her stop came next.

  Walking several blocks from the train station to her building, she decided she’d be best off giving Hannah breathing room, at least for a while, before trying to fix things between them. No matter what she thought of Hannah’s job, she wanted her sister close. Now if only that job weren’t so dangerous. To her dismay, she couldn’t save Hannah from herself.

  As if thinking about Hannah had conjured her, Lilith spotted a Jaguar parked in front of her building. Her heart raced. She hadn’t thought she would see her sister so soon.

  Hannah got out of the car and used a beeper to set its alarm. Dressed in hot pink capris and an embroidered top, her hair intricately French-braided, her feet encased in fancy heeled sandals, Hannah could be the girl next door.

  Lilith wanted to rush over and envelop her little sister in a hug, but that hadn’t gone over too well last time, so she held back and, her insides a-tumble, walked the few yards to the car.

  “This is some surprise.”

  Her expression neutral, Hannah leaned back against the Jaguar and lit a cigarette. “Guess you didn’t expect to see me.”

  “I’m really happy to see you, Hannah. I just don’t remember giving you my address.”

  “You gave me your telephone number.” Hannah took a long drag, released the smoke over Lilith’s head, then said, “Reverse directory.”

  “How resourceful.”

  “You learn resourceful on the streets.”

  On the streets. Lilith swallowed hard. Life must have been hell for a scared thirteen-year-old without a home.

  Hannah asked, “So, who’s the kid? This Carmen. What’s her story? What are you doing with her? ”

  Lilith noticed Hannah was playing with the cigarette, as if she were nervous.

  “I’ve been trying to help Carmen stay in school, to help her see that there’s a world of possibilities out there, if only she wants something different from what she’s used to.”

  Just as Hannah could, if only she would open her eyes.

  “Doesn’t she have her own family?”

  “She has a big family. Carmen is the oldest of nine kids.”

  “Well, at least she’s got company. And on the plus side, she’s first to get new clothes, right?” Hannah joked. “No hand-me-downs.”

  “They barely have the money for thrift shop purchases. Thank God for food stamps, or those kids wouldn’t eat.”

  Lilith couldn’t miss Hannah’s stricken expression. She wondered how many times her sister had gone hungry. Or what she’d had to do for food. And unless she was crazy, Hannah was jealous of Carmen. Or of her relationship with the girl.

  Quickly covering whatever she was feeling, Hannah dashed the cigarette to the sidewalk and ground it out under her heel. “So what’s her deal?”

  “Carmen is smart and has decided she wants to finish high school and go to college. But her father just told her that since she’s seventeen, legally she can quit high school and go to work and buy shoes for her sisters and brothers instead.”

  “He made all those babies, not her, the pig! So is she going to do it? Quit?”

  “I hope not.”

  Not that Lilith knew if she did have influence beyond Carmen herself. But she would try to talk to Carmen’s parents and ask them to think about their daughter’s future. About the futures of all the children.

  “So you’re really into this Carmen, huh? Sounds like a lost cause to me. People do what’s easiest.”

  The words shot through Lilith like an arrow. Did Hannah believe that of her? Surely not.

  Lilith wanted to ask Hannah if stripping had really been that easy. The thought of getting on stage and taking off her clothes for a roomful of men tied her own stomach in a knot. Who knew what Hannah’s options had been at the time she took the job?

  Now she had other options, Lilith reminded herself, wondering how to broach the subject. Hannah had money. She could set herself up otherwise. Perhaps she would have to live a more modest lifestyle, but at least she didn’t have to continue to play victim to men she didn’t even know.

  “The kid’s got to learn to toughen up,” Hannah said. “Crying won’t get her nowhere.”

  Crying? She hadn’t mentioned anything about Carmen crying. Had Hannah seen them, then? Had she been at the zoo?

  Lilith didn’t dare ask. But her pulse rushed faster as she realized the import of that discovery, that Hannah was jealous enough to spy on her.

  Which gave her a ray of hope.

  She gazed at the heart-half Hannah still wore, and her fingers crept up to touch its match. They were sisters. A bond that couldn’t be broken.

  Lilith smiled at the thought and said, “Why don’t you come in.”

  “That’s why I’m here.”

  oOo

  ACTUALLY, HANNAH didn’t know why she’d come. Curiosity, she supposed. She wanted to see this wonderful life Lilith had made for herself firsthand.

  The neighborhood wasn’t bad. Looked safe enough. No gang bangers on the street or graffiti on the walls. But Lilith had approached the building on foot. And now they were walking up enough stairs that she’d be winded if dancing hadn’t put her in such good shape.

  “So where do you park around here? Garage in back?”

  “I don’t have a car.”

  “No car?” Chalk one up for herself, Hannah thought.

  “Can’t afford one or the insurance.”

  “You got a college degree.”

  “The scholarships only paid for so muc
h. I worked, too, but I had to take loans, which I’m still repaying. Besides which...” Lilith hesitated, her expression intent, as if she were going to divulge more about her finances. Instead, she shook her head. “Now I’m saving to go to law school.”

  “You want to be a lawyer? They’re the scum of the earth. Did you hear the one about the lawyer who–”

  ”I’ve heard the jokes.”

  “Who’s joking?” A shudder passed through Hannah, who’d never met a lawyer who’d been nice to her.

  “The woman I work for is a guardian ad litem and works pro bono. Lots of her clients are kids who need protection, and she protects them for free. I don’t think that’s anything to joke about.”

  Yeah, the story she’d read had been about the lawyer. And Lilith had gotten a mention and had been in the photo. That’s how Hannah had known she was in Chicago.

  Not wanting to debate, Hannah remained silent and took in the nicely furnished if small apartment loaded with plants. While Lilith checked her mail, Hannah got the feel of the place, peeked into the single bedroom where a cat flew off the bed and under it, then strolled to the front windows with their view of the tree-lined street. Nice, but nothing like her view of the river, of course. Chalk two more up in her own favor.

  “Valkyrie,” Lilith called. “C’mon and eat, kitty.”

  But the cat didn’t reemerge.

  “She’s under the bed. I guess I scared her.”

  “Well, you’re a stranger. For the present.”

  Which meant Lilith didn’t want them to be?

  Hannah’s insides tightened, and she had trouble breathing properly. She’d wanted so long for Lilith to find her. But she wouldn’t fool herself. She was too smart for that.

  “Hungry?” Lilith asked.

  “Yeah. Pick a restaurant. My treat.”

  “Why not here?”

  “I like restaurants. Besides, why should you have to cook for me?”

  “Because I want to. Because you’re my sister. Because we have a lot of catching up and that’s easier to do without an audience.” Lilith paused, then added, “But if you would rather go to a restaurant–”

  ”Nah, I’ll take a chance that you won’t poison me. I assume you learned to cook somewhere along the line.”

  “I think that was an insult, but I’m going to ignore it.”

  Hannah followed Lilith into the kitchen. “C’mon, you don’t call making peanut butter sandwiches cooking, do you?”

  “That was all you ever wanted me to make.”

  “Yeah, why do you think?” They laughed together, and it was a good feeling, and Hannah relaxed a little. “So what can I do?”

  “Keep me company.”

  The kitchen was small. Not enough room for a table. But there were two stools at a breakfast bar along one wall. Hannah perched on one of those and studied Lilith as she pulled food from her refrigerator.

  Despite the blah outfit – dark skirt and white blouse, sensible pumps and pantyhose – and the conservative way she’d tied her hair in a knot at the top of her head, Lilith was a looker. Truth be told, Lilith looked a lot like her. Or was it the other way around since she was the younger sister?

  “I could do something with you, you know.”

  Opening the refrigerator door, Lilith glanced at her. “What?”

  “As in fix you up. The right clothes and makeup, you’d be a knockout. When I got done with you, you wouldn’t even recognize yourself.”

  “That’s what I’d be afraid of.”

  “And you’d knock your boyfriend’s socks off. Well, say the word...”

  “Uh-huh,” Lilith said in a noncommittal manner. “I hope you like pasta.”

  Hannah eyed the package of pasta and container of fancy store-bought sauce. “I thought you said you were gonna cook.”

  “This pretty much is cooking for me. I can make a mean salad, too.”

  Hannah rolled her eyes. What would have been wrong with going out? What was money for, if you couldn’t spend it? She’d lived on the street for too long, had eaten too many cans of cold spaghetti. Pasta was just a fancy name for it, not that she said so.

  As if Lilith could read her mind, she asked, “How did you do it?”

  “Do what?” Hannah knew her voice tightened when she said, “Strip? I thought we went over that the other night.”

  “I meant survive.” Lilith pulled two pots down from a shelf. “When you ran, how did you survive? You were thirteen, for God’s sake. You were a child.”

  “You don’t stay a kid long on the streets. You get smart fast. You learn to beg. And to steal. And to sell yourself, if you gotta.” There, now it was out in the open, and Lilith could kick her out if she wanted. “Whatever it takes to get through another hour, another day, another lifetime.”

  Lilith blinked and Hannah could see her eyes had filled like she was going to cry. Her own throat tightened, but as Lilith took a step toward her, she held out a hand, keeping her sister at bay.

  “I hope you’re not feeling sorry for me. I got tough fast. And I’m off the street. I’m making great money, which means I’m safe now.”

  “Mm-hm.”

  Lilith wasn’t saying whatever was on her mind. Hannah couldn’t stand not knowing what exactly.

  “I’m the one who calls the shots, big sis.” She knew she was heading them for another row, but she couldn’t stop herself. “When I’m up on that stage, I have the power. Every eye in the place is glued to me. I could have any man there under my thumb if I wanted.”

  Lilith whipped away from her and stuck a large pot under the faucet and started filling it with water. “I think they’d want more than your thumb.”

  “I’m not a working girl, Lilith. I don’t live off the streets anymore.”

  “But you still take money from men by using your body.”

  “On my terms. That makes all the difference in the world. I should’ve known you wouldn’t understand.”

  “You’re right.” Lilith faced her. “I don’t understand, Hannah. But I want to try. I love you, and I just want what’s best for you. That’s all. Let me help you figure it out.”

  Hannah couldn’t believe Lilith used the “L” word and followed it with a slap in the face. She was holding back, still.

  “You help me?” Hannah snapped. “That’s a laugh! You can’t even go to law school because you can’t afford it.” Wanting it all out in the open, she pushed for the truth the only way she figured might work. “I’ll tell you what. Let me help you. I’ve got some savings, and I make a hell of a lot more money than you do. How much do you need for law school?”

  “What? No!”

  “But you want to go, right?”

  “Not like that. Not taking money from you.”

  Yep, there it was. Hannah had known Lilith would fail the test. “You won’t take money from me because you’re ashamed of the way I make it.”

  “No, Hannah, I am not ashamed of you. I’m concerned for you. If nothing else, that club isn’t safe. Two women who worked there were murdered, for God’s sake!”

  A chill shot through Hannah, but she pushed it aside. “You can’t afford to go to school,” she argued back. “You can’t afford a car. You can’t even afford a really nice place to live. What do you think you have that I don’t?”

  “Hannah, let’s stop this, please. Let’s talk about something else.”

  “You mean about anything but what’s really important? C’mon, Lilith, be honest for once.”

  Lilith looked like she didn’t want to say it. But in the end she did. “All right, then. Respect. I have respect for myself... and from other people.”

  Lilith couldn’t have hurt her more if she’d hit her. Hannah jumped off the stool, yelling, “Fuck other people and fuck you!” Halfway to the door, she whipped around and added, “By the way, your water is running over. And I hate pasta!”

  “Hannah, please, wait. Please don’t go.” Lilith followed her to the door. “I’m sorry. I love you!”

/>   oOo

  Chapter 6

  THE WORDS she’d been waiting to hear for years came too damn late!

  Hannah was off, the hounds of hell on her heels as she flew down the stairs. She’d instigated the fight, but she’d had to know exactly what Lilith thought of her.

  And now she knew.

  Hannah got in her car and whipped down to Lake Shore Drive where she sped south, top down. And when the cop pulled her over – he’d clocked her at 80 in a 40 mile an hour zone – she turned on the charm.

  They parted amiably, he with a comp to get into the club, she without a damn speeding ticket.

  Not that she would have cared. She could well afford it. But winning over the cop had illustrated how she could make men do what she wanted.

  Not that Lilith believed it. Or approved.

  Not that Lilith had told her to either change her way of life or get out, said a little voice inside her mind.

  Lilith had tried to keep her from going. Had said she loved her.

  The drive home was filled with regret. For the years lost between them. For the anger she felt every time they spoke. But Lilith didn’t have all the answers. Talk about not seeing what was true, Lilith probably didn’t even believe she’d abandoned anyone. She believed what she needed to.

  Maybe like she herself did, Hannah admitted.

  Luckily, her cell phone was handy, and she’d already entered Lilith’s phone numbers. She whipped it out as she exited the Drive.

  But when she hit her speed dial, it wasn’t to call Lilith at home, but to leave a message at Hamilton, Smith and Willis. Lilith’s work phone. Easier to leave a message and have Lilith follow up than to chance being rejected. Maybe given some time to cool off, Lilith would be happy to hear from her.

  “Hey, it’s me, Hannah.” She chewed on her lip, then hurried before she got cut off. “I, uh, do want us to be sisters again, even if you don’t approve of me.” Hating that Lilith didn’t approve, Hannah took a big breath. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  By the time she hung up, she was almost home. Assaulted by her old feeling of insecurity, she was also sick to her stomach. What if, in the end, Lilith was disgusted by her and wanted nothing more to do with her. Where would that leave her?