Allerleirauh

by Chantal Gadoury

  My thoughts took me by surprise. Love? As I met his emerald gaze, I found myself murmuring the same thought over and over again. If he could love me. If he could love me. . .

  “Knowing you were happy,” I replied quietly, my voice cracking as I looked away. I was afraid my voice would give away my inner thoughts running through my mind. The curve of his smile was every indication he knew. . . understood.

  “Would you like to join me in the library then?” he asked, shifting his chair. I silently nodded again in agreement. Klaus finished his breakfast plate and rose to his feet. I followed swiftly, walking beside him as he led us from the dining room to the library. Upon entering the familiar room, I took one of the seats nearest to the warmth of the fireplace. I thumbed through a few of the nearby books, only glimpsing in Klaus’s direction every so often. He sat hunched over his desk, nearer to the window overlooking the gardens. His fingers trailed through his soft-brown locks as he glanced at the paperwork in front of him; frustration seemed to wear on his features.

  I knew it wasn’t my place to offer my opinions, but I so desperately wanted to go to him and help. I found myself imagining my fingers sliding through his hair, calming him; caring for him in the way he had cared for me the night he cut my hair.

  Adelais suddenly entered the library unannounced, holding out a small envelope for him. He waved for her to enter and she laid it down on the desk in front of him. With a quick bow and without a word, Adelais left the room. I kept my gaze to the book in my lap purposefully as I heard him break the seal of the letter and open the piece of parchment.

  “It’s Lord Crestwood,” he murmured aloud after a paused moment. Klaus leaned back in his chair just as I peeked a glimpse in his direction. “He says he’ll be returning to the palace at once.”

  He paused and finished reading the letter with a sigh.

  “It appears everything is in order. He’ll be returning with the Princess of Foix de Lille, and a wedding will take place in a few day’s time as long as I’m agreeable to it.”

  “S-So soon?” I stammered, surprised. I felt as though my breath had been knocked from me. Klaus didn’t respond to my question. Instead, he pushed himself up from his chair and walked towards the fireplace, resting his hand on the mantel. I closed the book in my lap, laying it down on the table beside me and studied his silent form.

  “You can refuse,” I suggested. “If it would make you unhappy . . .”

  “Unfortunately, royalty comes with no flexibility for happiness,” he mumbled with a shake of his head. I knew that truth all too well. Klaus’s fingers trailed over the mantel as he continued to speak.

  “There will be a ball held in honor of the princess as soon as she arrives to Saarland der Licht. Lord Crestwood has already taken the steps in sending out the invitations. It will not only honor the marriage arrangement, but the newly forged alliance between our kingdoms. All of the other neighboring lands will be invited and I will be required to make the official announcement in front of all of them. I will have to propose to her there at midnight for all to see, as customary in Saarland. My father did the same with my mother, and as did his father before him.”

  Klaus turned slightly to look at me, his eyes searching mine. They seemed to be filled with questions; questions he had not asked aloud and perhaps now, never would. I did not know how to respond, nor what to allow myself to think. I knew there was very little I could do or say to cease the arrangement from occurring. I barely had been able to escape my own arrangement with my father. To Saarland der Licht and the prince, I was nothing more than a woodcutter’s daughter. I would bring no benefit to the kingdom – with or without my title now. I would never be a suitable bride for Klaus.

  “You will attend, won’t you?” he asked me as he took a step away from the fireplace and sat down in the chair adjacent to mine. His eyes studied me as I carefully pondered my answer. Could I bear to watch another enjoy Klaus’s company? Could I bring myself to attend another ball after what had happened to me at the last? Images of the past flashed through my mind quickly, as my father’s voice filled my head.

  “Did you enjoy yourself then, hmm?”

  “You enjoyed someone other than me paying attention to you, hmm?”

  “And what if I wanted to dance with you again? Would you deny me for someone like him?”

  My father’s words were a reminder of all he said to me at my first ball. I had danced with Lord Crestwood and had even enjoyed myself in his company that evening; little did I know all of my joy and innocence would be stolen hours later at the hands of my own father.

  “Aurelia?” Klaus murmured, his eyes searching mine concerned and anxious. I knew I should have been happy for him; his kingdom would only grow and prosper from such an arrangement. He would be the man his mother had wished for him to be: honorable, strong, and loyal. I also knew how Klaus felt about his future marriage. I understood his ideals of love and happiness. He deserved better. Truly, we both did. I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from saying my inner most feelings.

  “I will go,” I agreed.

  “This doesn’t mean anything has to change,” Klaus tried to reason. “I don’t want this to tarnish any growing friendship we have with one another. I wish to continue to spend time with you. You know I do not welcome this arrangement in the least.”

  His explanation sent an icy-cold shiver through my body as I turned my gaze to the flames.

  “Then, why do you not do something to change it? You are the prince, about to become König. You have every right to exercise your power and authority,” I murmured. “Some can only wish to be as lucky as you.”

  “It has nothing to do with luck, and it’s certainly never that easy,” he sighed. “There are many people depending upon this contract. The marriage will bring—”

  “Never mind what it’ll bring! Will you be happy?” I asked, lifting my blue eyes to stare into his angrily. My inner-strength was beginning to weaken as the forming tears became harder to conceal. I recalled my own experience in making a difficult decision; Myriah had supplied me the courage to take my life into my own hands. I didn’t know how to do the same for Klaus. As I tilted my chin, I gazed at him with a challenge.

  “Can you be truly happy with your marriage for your kingdom and for yourself?”

  Klaus remained silent as he turned to look away. There was a sigh that followed, and finally a firm shake of his head.

  “I think we both know the answer to that, Aurelia.”

  “I don’t think anyone expects you to sacrifice yourself,” I argued. My entire body began to tremble as I continued. “Lord Crestwood, Adelais . . . your people . . .”

  I twirled my finger in the fabric of the dress, trying to calculate my next words, but Klaus let out a huff before I could muster anything more.

  “You wouldn’t understand,” he said frustratingly and stood from the chair. “You’ve known a very different life from mine. You’ve had more choices than I’m sure I’ve ever had. As the future König of Saarland, everyone has certain expectations of me, and some of those require me to give up things I desire, to best accommodate the Königreich.”

  A hot fury rushed through me like molten fire. I stood from my chair and picked up a book from the table, pressing it against my chest as I glared at him.

  “It’s you who doesn’t understand,” I murmured and stopped myself before I said anything more. I understood more than he could know. I understood what it was to sacrifice happiness, a home . . . myself.

  Klaus furrowed his brow in confusion as I turned away. It wasn’t the time to tell him the truth about my real identity – not yet. I rushed towards the library doors, knowing it was time to withdraw myself back to my room. My red-hot anger pushed me to leave without turning to look back at him.

  I stormed to my room, slamming the door behind me loudly before I locked myself back into the adjoining blue nook. Sliding against the door, I pressed my palms against the hollows of my eyes. A string of tears rolled
down my cheeks. I understood his situation better than he knew, and yet I couldn’t voice it aloud. I couldn’t say anything to him, without giving myself and the truth away. I didn’t know what to do; I knew Myriah would have known what to say. She would have told me how to be there for him. I had allowed my anger to get the best of me; silence me. My frustration laid in his ability to allow his pre-arrangement to continue. He was so willing to give into his fate, whether he liked it or not. When I had fought – I had fought so diligently for my freedom. But my freedom came with a cost.

  34

  Hours seemed to pass by as I sat on the floor in the blue room, skimming through the pages of one of the books I brought with me from the library. I knew midday had come and gone. My mind wandered to Klaus, who I supposed was very confused by my outburst. With my anger quelled, the chill of embarrassment crept in and took its place. How was I to face him after my behavior?

  A shift of daylight peeked through the window, causing me to turn my gaze towards it. The sun was setting; the sky was turning a brilliant shade of gold and autumn red. Another day was over. Another day closer to the prince’s wedding. Dread began to overwhelm my chest, knowing it was to take place in a few day’s time after Crestwood returned. I didn’t have very much time left with the prince. The Princess of Foix de Lille was to accompany Lord Crestwood back to the castle and there would be a shift of the prince’s time and attention, directed towards her. Our shared time together in the library, and at the cottage and lake would be like a dream. And like all dreams, they come to an end. I would never have the opportunity to tell him about the changings of my heart; the way I was truly beginning to feel.

  I heard Adelais enter the main bedchamber behind the door, rustling around quietly. Dinner.

  Quickly, I pushed myself up from the floor and moved to the plush cushioned window seat, where I had hidden my satchel when I first arrived to the palace. I had been careful in keeping its location a secret from the prying eyes of Adelais, after since seeing her reaction to the fur cloak. Tugging the bag free from it’s hiding place, I placed it in my lap as I sat down. My hands trembled as I stared at the worn leather. The girl who had once scurried into the forest with magical walnuts and a fur cloak seemed so far away now. While her fear of her father still lingered, she had begun to grow – blossomed from the ashes of her old life into someone new. I opened the flap with nervous fingers and pulled one of the small walnuts out onto my palm. Remembering how Myriah had once opened the nut shell, I pried it apart attentively, until a bright golden beam of light filled the room. The shells fell apart and landed in my lap.

  Glittering beams of light filled the room as I lifted the sun dress up to see. It was just as beautiful as I remembered it to be; the golden threads of the gown were sewn into shapes of the sun and light rays. The bodice and the skirt sparkled in the bright glow coming from the window.

  * * *

  AS I LIFTED the gown against my chest, I wondered what Klaus would think of it—of me. I rose to my feet, and quietly walked to the stand-up mirror in the corner of the room. As I looked at my reflection, I saw the same girl I had earlier this morning; soft blushed cheeks and a hint of happiness lurking in the corner of her lips. But the dress seemed to only intensify the hopeful happiness lingering in her eyes.

  I would wear the gown to impress Prince Klaus. It would be one of the first steps in facing the fear of my feelings for him. If words were to fail me, I hoped the sun-glittered garb would speak for me. I removed my clothes Adelais had dressed me in earlier that morning, and donned myself in the gown made of sunrays.

  The dress weaved around my body, almost the way the sun’s warmth interweaved through the forest around the cottage. Fabric hung around my shoulders and came down around the bodice of the gown, while the shimmering gold wrapped around my arms, creating beautiful delicate sleeves. Layers of different yellows and golds hung around the body of the skirt, flowing down until it reached the floor. Small designs of suns and swirls on the fabric made it feel even more majestic. I kept my hair down around my shoulders and pinched my cheeks a bit to create a glow.

  I opened the door to find Adelais gazing at me in awe. Her eyes were wide as the soft, brilliant light of the dress filled the room. Her hands reached out to touch the fabric.

  “Where did you find this, milady?” Adelais asked with a tone of astonishment. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

  I could only muster a timid smile as I tucked a strand of my golden hair behind my ear.

  “The prince was not sure if you’d be joining him for dinner, milady, but I told him I’d come to fetch you. I don’t believe he’ll be expecting such a greeting,” Adelais said as her eyes continued to rake over my clothing.

  “No, I suppose he won’t,” I replied.

  “You look just like a princess,” she said breathlessly as she shook her head in disbelief.

  “Do you think the prince shall be pleased?” I asked as I slowly moved my hands over the smooth glittering bodice. Adelais chuckled while her chin bobbed up and down.

  “Oh yes. Very much so.”

  “Where is the prince?” I asked as I motioned to the door.

  “I last saw him in the garden,” she answered and began to walk towards the door. As she opened it, she reached out to adjust a fold of the skirt.

  “There, you look perfect.” There was a hint of happiness in her ear as my gaze met hers; a certain understanding that this was for him. I replied to her kind gesture with a nod of thanks and left my room.

  As I walked through the hallway, overlooking the river and the corner of the gardens, I could see Klaus pacing about with his arms behind his back. I continued onwards, moving to one of the side doors Klaus had shown me. As I emerged into the open garden, I noticed many of the torches were once again lit and illuminating the path just as they had for Lord Crestwood and I. My shoes crunched against the gravel as I approached the prince. Just as I was a step away, Klaus turned. His eyes were wide with surprise as he took in the sight of me. A small, shy smile grew on my lips as I graciously bowed to him.

  “You look . . .” But the words faded as his eyes continued to glide over me, speechless. “. . .like an enchanted princess.”

  It was the same name he’d given me when he found me in the forest. My cheeks warmed and I clasped my hands in front of me as I let out a soft sigh.

  “I wanted to apologize for my behavior in the library. I should not have become so vexed.”

  “No, please Aurelia.” His words were soft as he shook his head. “It is I who should be apologizing. I did not think of how harsh I was being.”

  “The news was a shock,” I reasoned, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.

  He snorted. “Indeed. I certainly did not expect Crestwood to be arriving back to Saarland so soon.”

  Klaus’s eyes moved towards the castle and he slid his hands to his waist.

  “I always wanted to make my parents proud,” he admitted after a long while. He lifted his hand and gestured to the castle. “I hoped in years to come, when I’m long gone, people would remember me as their good and kind König. Someone who always did the right thing.”

  “Sometimes making someone proud isn’t always the right thing,” I admitted softly.

  Klaus’s green eyes held mine and he slowly nodded, understanding my unspoken meaning.

  “As it would be, I’m obligated to the crown,” he answered. Before I could respond, Klaus took a step towards me. As he held out his hand, he jerked his chin back to the castle with a warm smile.

  “Shall we go inside and eat dinner?”

  “Yes,” I said, but I did not take his hand. Klaus waited only a moment more before realizing I would not take it. He lowered his hand to his side and began to walk beside me.

  As we strolled through the hallway, Klaus’s eyes were still focused on my gown. I could see the questions of where I had acquired such a treasure lurking behind his eyes, though he withheld them behind his granite jaw.

  Wh
en we reached our table, Klaus pulled the chair aside for me and waited until I was comfortably seated before taking his own. Without any words, we readied our plates with the selections of foods. As we ate quietly, I found myself peeking at Klaus from underneath my eyelashes. I wondered what he was thinking and what I could say to break the icy silence. I bit the inside of my cheek as I lowered my spoon to my plate. Klaus looked up from the sound, glancing from my plate to my face.

  “May I ask your thoughts?” I asked as I leaned forward over the table.

  Klaus carefully lowered his own utensils and slid his plate to the side. As a servant emerged from the corner to tend to his plate, Klaus lifted his hand to silently stop them.

  “You may leave us,” he motioned to the servant. With a silent bow, they turned and left us alone in the large room. Klaus let out a deep sigh and lifted his goblet to his lips for a drink. I wanted to console him—comfort him—offer him peace the way Myriah had offered me an escape from my father’s request.

  “Since you left the library—”

  “I apologize again for my behavior,” I interrupted as I bit my lip. Klaus lifted his hand again to stop me from continuing.

  “Bitte, Aurelia . . . you don’t need to apologize. I deserved your words. Our circumstances are similar and I . . . I tend to forget that. I’m the one who needs to apologize. Es tut mir leid. I’m sorry your father treated you so terribly. I’m sorry you were left to feel your only choice was to run away from the only home you knew,” he said. His eyes were genuine as he clicked his tongue.

  “You were brave enough to give up so much. Of course you would question why I wouldn’t do the same. Perhaps I’m not quite as brave as you think I am.”

  “I’m not brave,” I whispered as I looked down at my hands. “I’m . . .” A liar. A murderer. A coward. I hid away in my cloak. I allowed my father to touch me. I killed a guard. I burned my father. I killed the only person I loved. Myriah.

  “No, you’re more,” he murmured softly. His words were like a soft caress against my wounded heart. They were the same words he had spoken at the cottage to me. ‘You’re more.’