Caden wasn’t here.
The bow in his lip begged to be touched. She leaned toward him, wanting to feel his mouth on hers. His fingers cupped her chin as they closed the gap. His breath was the softest whisper on her skin. As her eyes fluttered closed, she felt the warmth of his lips. Her palm closed around the roughness of his jawline.
He deepened the kiss, and she arched closer, cursing the arm of the chair that dug into her ribs, separating them. It was the way a kiss should be, stopping time, stealing breath.
He drew back, and a whimper left her throat. But he was on his knees in front of her before she could say a word. He grasped her waist and pulled her into him. He framed her face with his gentle hands and kissed her again. Her hands slid around his back.
His mouth was patient on hers. “Sam,” he whispered against her lips.
Sam clutched at his shoulders, wanting to be closer, wanting to climb inside him. She wasn’t sure even then she would be close enough.
His fingers worked into her hair, sending shivers down her spine. “Sam.” He paused, his lips a breath away. “I love you so much.”
His lips were on hers again, and she let his words sink in and fill the hole inside her. I love you too, Landon. For the first time she knew with certainty it was true. She not only loved him now; she had loved him long before she ever left. It was why she’d hated him for leaving. Why she’d told herself she didn’t care if he left. Why she’d felt the need to prove it by sleeping with his brother. It was apparent in the way she responded to him, in the way she compared every man to him, in the way she’d carried him with her for the past eleven years. She wondered that she hadn’t seen it until now.
Sam clung to him, feeling his love in the gentle passion of his kiss. She hadn’t said the words to him. She’d never said them to any man. They worked their way up, ready to roll off her tongue, but her throat closed up, tightening around her voice like a boa constrictor around its prey.
Why couldn’t she say it?
Because you’d be a fool to tell him, Sam.
The thought was an unwelcome intruder. She wanted to push the door closed on it, but it came from deep inside.
No. He loves me.
So did your dad. And he left you.
No! He died. He didn’t leave me.
Same difference, isn’t it?
It wasn’t the same. He hadn’t wanted to leave her. Sam’s lips moved against Landon’s, and she struggled to draw in air.
And what about your mom? She said she loved you too.
She loved me in her own way.
She didn’t even mention you in her letter. You can’t trust love, Sam.Haven’t you learned that yet? You’re a fool.
Her emotions tugged her back and forth in a familiar battle she wanted to win this time. She could trust Landon. She could. She leaned into him and grasped his shirt, knotting it up in her fist.
He already left you once.
It was only for college. He was going to come back. He did comeback. He loved me. He still loves me. This is right, I know it is.
If it’s so right, why are you afraid?
The voice held enough truth to shake her. Tully didn’t make her feel afraid. Neither did the other men she went out with. They made her feel empowered, strong, capable. With Landon she felt weak and afraid. Helpless.
And protected.
Who will protect you when he leaves?
Landon withdrew his lips from hers, searching her face. “What’s wrong?”
Her dad had made her feel protected too. Even her mom, to a degree. She realized it the moment her mom left her at Emmett’s mercy. Sam had depended on them, and their abandonment pulled the proverbial rug from under her. The shock never left her. It was burned into every cell of her body. Needing someone was a bad thing. Why had she forgotten?
Sam placed her hands on Landon’s shoulders and pushed, giving herself space to breathe. Her heart threatened to break through her ribs. She felt like she was in the dark closet, trapped and afraid.
“Sam?” His eyes burned into hers, a cocktail of emotion. Confusion, hurt, fear.
She looked away, gripping the chair’s arms with trembling fingers. Her breath came in quick gasps. She pressed her back to the chair.
Stupid! You’re so weak. Why do you keep following your treacherousheart?
“Sam, talk to me.” He placed his hands over hers.
She wondered how she could hurt him. Just say it. She shook her head slowly. “I can’t.” I can’t lose my heart to you. I can’t take the chance.
He touched her cheek with his fingertips. “Just say it. Whatever it is.”
She gripped the wooden arm, feeling the rough edges dig into her palm. “I mean I can’t do this.” Her eyes begged for mercy. “I just can’t.”
He looked into her. “What are you so afraid of?” It was like he could see into her soul. He could. And yet he still loved her.
You don’t deserve it. No one knew it better than she. Landon would know it too, if he knew what she’d done.
Then tell him.
No. She couldn’t bear the thought of him knowing she’d betrayed him with his own brother. Or that she’d caused Bailey’s death.
Panic welled inside her like an expanding bubble. She feared it would burst any moment. “I need to go in now.” She jerked her hands from under his, and, startled, he leaned back against his heels. It was all the room she needed to stand and squeeze past him.
Sam didn’t stop to grab her crutches from the wall. Instead, she limped toward the door.
“Wait, Sam.”
She pulled open the door, wanting to slip inside and turn the lock. She longed to fall into bed and pull the quilt over her head. She wanted to go to sleep and find oblivion. She wanted to seal up the leaks in her heart that had allowed Landon to gain entrance.
Her sore ankle slowed her. Landon reached her as she grasped the doorknob. He laid his palm flat against the door, preventing it from opening.
She jerked the knob, but the door didn’t budge. Her desperation mounted. “Let go!” He placed his other hand against the door, over her shoulder.
“Not this time.”
She could feel the heat of his body against her back. Trapped again. She whipped around. “Just leave me alone.” She shoved at his chest futilely.
“Why do you push me away?” His tone was gruff.
Because loving you is too scary. Why can’t you understand that? She planted her palms on his chest and pushed. He was like a fortress, solid and immovable.
“Talk to me.”
“No!” Even if she would have before, she was too angry now. Why did he force himself on her this way? She was tired of being at the mercy of other people. Her temples pounded.
She ducked under his arm, but he caught her shoulders.
“Let me go.”
“Never,” he said firmly.
She stopped fighting and leaned into the door, looking at him, her chest rising with each labored breath.
There was a determination in his eyes she’d never seen before. She always talked him into doing things her way, from riding on his handlebars to playing Scrabble. But the look on his face told her he wasn’t giving in this time.
Well, that’s too bad, because I’m not either. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.
“Are you worried about the future? About your life being in Boston and mine here?”
She refused to answer.
“We can work it out, Sam. It’s only logistics.”
Location was the least of her worries. She felt like a cornered rat. The arms that held her in place were like shackles. She was twelve years old and locked in a dark closet, her lungs tight and constricted.
“My ankle hurts,” she lied.
“Let’s go inside and sit down.”
Sam dragged her fingers through the hair at her temples and closed her aching eyes. Go away. Please. Go away.
“I’m not leaving.”
Could he read
her stinking mind now? She opened her eyes and narrowed them. Jerk.
Read that.
“Are you ready to sit and talk, or do you want to stand here all night?”
Mentally, she called him every name she could think of. What right did he have to interrogate her? Wasn’t she entitled to her own private feelings? Just because he was stronger than her didn’t give him the right to bully her.
His fingers tightened on her shoulders. “Stop pushing me away.” His face softened.
Another gaping hole through which he would enter.
He tucked her hair behind her ear, and she stiffened at his touch.
“I just want to love you,” he whispered.
Look away. Close your heart. Don’t listen. A lump formed in her throat, where her own declaration had stuck earlier. How close she’d come to crossing that line! Even without having said it, she feared he knew.
“I’ve loved you for so long.” His low voice rumbled through the still air. “Remember when I kissed you that night on the pier? You were thinking of Scott, but you stole my heart then. I loved you long before that last summer when I finally told you.”
Sam fought the effects of his soothing voice by closing her eyes, shutting him out.
“And you know what, Sam? I think you loved me then too.”
“No,” she grated.
He touched a strand of hair, following it down to the ends. “You hide your heart from everyone else, but I can see inside you.”
“You don’t know anything.” If he did, he wouldn’t be standing here now.
He wouldn’t be standing here now. The thought smacked her like a palm across her cheek. Maybe he needed to know the truth. Maybe then he would see who she was. That she was ugly inside, not worthy of his love.
“I love you. Nothing’s going to change that.”
He’ll never forgive you.
Maybe that’s what it’s going to take to make him leave you alone.
Still, the notion of telling him made the words freeze on her tongue.
You said you wanted him to leave you alone. Did you mean it?
But how would he feel when he knew Caden was his brother’s child? What would he think of her if he knew she’d caused Bailey’s death and hid it from his family?
He’ll hate you, that’s what.
Isn’t that better than this? Better than him loving you? Better thanthis fear?
Landon’s finger grazed her lips, tracing the edges, and her knees trembled.
“Let me love you.”
She felt the warmth of his breath, then the softness of his lips. A touch as gentle as a butterfly’s wings that shook her to the core of her being.
She drove her palms into his shoulder and pushed him away. He called her stubborn, but Sam knew he wouldn’t let her go this time. Not unless she made him.
“I never told you who Caden’s father is.” The words were a metal brush grating across brick. The panic that had built in her settled in a cloud of numbness that anesthetized her soul.
“What?” His arms were at his sides, now. His lips still swollen from hers.
Sam closed the door of her heart up tight, locking it securely. “The night of your party, I left with Bailey. We went out in your dad’s boat.” Her mind glazed over, the details of the night whirling through her head in vivid Technicolor. The earthy smell of rain in the air. The sound of laughter and music leaking through the yacht club’s open patio doors. The sharp, tangy wind rolling off the ocean and tangling her hair.
“Bailey brought alcohol from the party. He knew I was upset, even if you didn’t. He had a crush on me.”
“I know.”
The dread in Landon’s voice wasn’t enough to tear her from the nightmare. “We drank a lot. And talked. And drank some more.” Bailey grew more somber with each bottle. She grew more boisterous. She was determined to prove to herself that Landon’s leaving didn’t bother her, that she wasn’t in love with him. When Bailey kissed her, she eagerly kissed him back. Within moments, they were lying on the deck of the boat.
“One thing led to another.” Sam’s hollow voice filled the space between them.
She was vaguely aware of Landon stiffening, but she continued. The details were blurry at this point. She didn’t remember getting dressed or when the rain started.
The next thing she remembered was reaching the dock at the marina.
Bailey shut off the motor and squeezed her hand. “Are you goingback to the party?” he asked. She didn’t want to see Landon again. Anyway, she was too drunk to face anyone, and suddenly she wasn’t feeling so hot.
“No, I’m going home.” She had come with Landon’s family, but she decided to take a taxi back.
Landon’s voice drew her back to the present. “You and Bailey?” She heard the shock and hurt in the softly spoken words, but the numbness deadened her to its effects. Even the shame the memory always conjured was absent.
Instead, the past curled its fingers around her arm and drew her back to that night.
Bailey had lain back in the captain’s chair, letting the drizzle slap him in the face. His suit was getting soaked, but he was too drunk to care. “I’d better wait here awhile, sleep this off,” he said. She knew his parents would have a fit if they saw him like that.
“Sure,” she said.
“Tie me off, okay?” He closed his eyes.
Sam grabbed her purse and pulled her flapping jacket tight around her body. Her long legs spanned the gap between the boat and the dock, but she wobbled on the boards, catching her balance. Just then, her stomach heaved. She ran to the other side of the pier and let her stomach empty into the water.
The wind must have covered the sound of her retching, because when she finished, she looked back at the boat. Bailey’s mouth hung open in sleep. Her legs were shaky as they carried her up the boardwalk toward town, where she could hail a cab. It wasn’t until much later that she realized she’d never tied off the boat.
Twenty-six
Landon stared into Sam’s deadened eyes, pressure building in his chest. Sam had slept with Bailey?
Bailey was Caden’s father? The betrayal knifed him. His own brother’s betrayal. Sam’s betrayal. His eyes stung. Bailey had a crush on Sam for months, but it was nothing more than that. Bailey had always been a sucker for the girls who played hard to get. Only Sam hadn’t been playing. No one knew it better than Landon.
And Sam. He only told her he loved her three days before that night. It took him all summer to work up the courage to say the words he’d never said to any woman. Had it meant so little to her? So little that she had drunken sex with his younger brother three days later?
“He asked me to tie off the boat,” she said.
The faraway look in her eyes frightened him, but the ache in his heart fogged his thinking. “What?”
“The boat.” Her monotone voice droned. “He asked me to tie it off.”
Sam was with Bailey the night he died. Dread slithered up his spine and coiled up tightly at the base of his skull. It had begun raining sometime during his party. He noticed Sam’s absence, but he was busy talking with friends. He didn’t notice Bailey’s absence until most of the guests had left.
He shook his thoughts and focused on Sam. She stared blankly at the spot on his chest where she’d nestled moments before. He started to ask what she meant, then decided he didn’t want to know.
“I got sick on the pier. From all the alcohol. When I was finished, I looked back at him.” Her brow furrowed as she remembered. “He was lying back in the chair, already asleep.” Her vacant eyes filled with water, and her mouth worked silently as if priming for the words. “I forgot to tie off the boat.”
Landon forgot to breathe. Forgot everything except what Sam was saying. He didn’t want to believe it. Bailey had been out on the water by himself. He got disoriented in a storm that rolled in so quickly. He was unable to get ashore before the small boat took in water. It capsized, and Bailey, always the heedless, impetuous one, had
never put on a life vest. It’s what the authorities said. What he and his parents believed all these years.
Now Sam looked at him, her face full of horror. “I forgot,” she said as if she couldn’t quite believe it.
He didn’t want to believe it either. But everything made sense now. The way she shook at Bailey’s funeral. The way she withdrew. The way she left the island soon after he went away to college.
It all made sense in its own terrible way. He remembered every detail of the night vividly. He remembered seeing his dad’s empty slip and feeling the pit of his stomach harden. While his dad called for help, he’d borrowed Scott’s boat.
The storm gave rise to brutal waves, and he never would have seen the capsized boat in the darkness if it had been farther out to sea. But the lights from shore cast a dim glow over the raging water.
Sam’s voice cut through his thoughts. “It was all my fault,” she whispered. “My fault he died.”
Landon hadn’t found Bailey that night. He jumped in the water and screamed Bailey’s name until his throat was raw. It wasn’t until he was back at the yacht club, wrapped in a blanket, that he began to worry about Sam. He hadn’t seen her since the beginning of the party. What if she was on the water with Bailey? What if . . . ? When her machine picked up his call, he drove straight to her house.
Sam was safe and sound, but his brother’s body washed to shore two days later.
Her voice jerked him from the past. “I’m sorry,” she said.
Sam’s face blurred. The weight of what she’d done settled like a leaden anchor inside him. Sam betrayed him. Bailey betrayed him. Caden was his brother’s child. Sam caused his brother’s death. She hid the truth all these years.
He shook with the burden. His eyes ached and his throat constricted. He stepped away from her. His love for her conflicted with simmering anger.
He couldn’t string two coherent thoughts together.
Sam spoke, her quiet voice parting the sea of confusion. “That’s what’s inside my heart, Landon.”
He remembered his own words. “You hide your heart from everyoneelse, but I can see inside you.” Had it only been a few minutes ago he was so sure of himself? Now his thoughts were as unstable as quicksand.
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