More than ‘JUST’ Friends

by Ford, Mia

  I grabbed a bottle of whiskey off the shelf and a tumbler glass. I filled it up high with about three shots and quickly drank it. I enjoyed my whiskey but I rarely drank more than a few drinks at any given time. I hated losing control of myself and had never liked being drunk. Just a few drinks to relax in the evening were usually good for me. But now, it felt like I was on a mission to numb the pain riding inside of me.

  I sat down on the couch and poured myself another drink. I thought about flipping on the television but I was too tired to really bother with it, besides I was enjoying the quiet peace of everything. It felt weird to be home in the early afternoon, but I was being mandated a week off for evaluation. I just had to show the therapist that I was psychologically fit to do my job. And I was. I knew it. I’d had a major meltdown, that was true, but I did not consider myself to be totally out of control. And I was sure the therapist would agree and hopefully as long as I continued to see her (which would also probably be mandatory if they did let me keep my job) I would actually make some real progress and get things sorted out.

  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why it had taken so long for me to seek help. To be fair, I didn’t even seek help this time; it was forced upon me. And I was glad for it. Even after just a single one hour session I could already feel a burden of ease, if only just for the fact that I had a bit of hope, some light at the end of the tunnel, which had been pitch dark for far too long.

  I don’t remember falling asleep. One moment I was sitting on the couch enjoying my whiskey and the next I was back there. The nightmare had returned with its demonic jaws and its vision of a literal hell on earth—the hell I’d lived through now more times than I could count.

  The war was raging all around me, but you wouldn’t have known it to look at me and my platoon. There I was just eighteen years old, three months out of high school. I was a soldier. I’d made it through the grit of basic training and I’d become a pretty solid marksman. It had always been a dream of mine, but it had become almost an obsession ever since my older brother Chuck enlisted and was shipped to the war. He was two years older than me and I’d always idolized him. Most little brothers look up to their big brothers, which tend to wane over time as you grow up, but mine never did. Chuck was the type of man I wanted to be. We shared a lot of the same passions and goals in life and everything I loved and did he also did, but he was just a bit more talented. Most of my youth was spent trying to outdo my brother.

  So that was another reason why I found myself in the middle of summer in the middle of a war. I was just a snot-nosed kid who barely knew anything about the world. Most of the guys were in the same place as me, except a few of the squad leaders—which included my brother.

  I remember that particular evening, just as the sun began to dip below the horizon. We hadn’t seen any activity for several days, but intelligence said we were close to finding something. I was anxious to see some sort of action, as the rest of us were. How wrong we were…

  None of us expected the landmine. It came literally out of thin air.

  There was a loud explosion. It was deafening and blinding. I literally thought the whole world was suddenly on fire because that was all I could see.

  There was screaming and chaos everywhere I turned as the smoke finally began to clear. I felt like my skin was on fire and I had to keep checking to make sure it wasn’t and that I was still in one piece. My lungs felt burned and charred as I struggled to take a single, deep breath.

  When it was all said and done six of us were seriously wounded. Three of us were dead.

  And my brother was one of the three.

  We had been joking around about Chuck’s old high school girlfriend that everyone assumed he was going to marry. The joke was whether or not she would still be waiting for him when he finally made it back home. Chuck was one of those guys who didn’t care at all about what people thought of him, and he could take some good natured ribbing without getting bent out of shape about it. I could still hear him laughing and playing along after the blast happened. How could everything just be destroyed that quickly? A moment ago I’d taken his helmet and given it a good toss about twenty feet away because he’s zinged me back with a good one liner. Odd how I always struggled to recall that line…

  So, I tossed his helmet away to get him back and I remember laughing as it skidded along the ground, going way farther than I thought it would. My brother called me a moron with a chuckle and jogged over to get it. That was when the landmine exploded. I later learned that if Chuck had been standing right beside me like he was then he most likely would have survived with minor injuries, as I did. Hell, I just had some scrapes and bruises with a loud ringing in my ears that lasted for a few days after.

  In the nightmare I always remembered what happened, but it was more like I could sense it about to happen and I tried to run over to Chuck to jerk him back over, away from it.

  But it was too late.

  I was always too late.

  I woke up gasping for air and covered in sweat, which I’d come to expect lately. The house was now dark and it sounded quiet outside. It took me a few moments to get my bearings and realize that I was just sitting in my home and I’d fallen asleep on the couch.

  There was a sharp pain in my stomach. I felt almost nauseas as I stood up and began to stretch it out. This was also something that tended to happen with the nightmares. I’d been able to deduce that somehow when I was dreaming I tensed my muscles up and one of my stomach muscles ended up strained and sometimes cramping. I had to just relieve the tension with some twists and stretches.

  Plus getting up and moving was good for me to shake off the after effects of the dreams which tended to elevate my anxiety levels and make me feel like I was drowning inside my own head.

  I looked at the whiskey bottle still on the table. I had fallen asleep on my second drink, but I didn’t even remember putting the glass back on the table. I must have been much more tired than I thought. My sleep had been very irregular for far too long. Hopefully with the right guidance I would be able to get things back on track soon.

  I was going to beat this. I knew I could. But as I stood there pacing around the living room taking long breaths to calm myself back down, I had to wonder if I could do it on my own. I had the therapist now, and hopefully that relationship would continue, but I knew that I needed something else in my life.

  And no matter how much I’d always prided myself on being strong and independent and not needing anyone but myself to rely on—I knew that I needed Naomi in my life.

  I just had no clue about how to bring her back to me. But there had to be a way. I wouldn’t accept that there wasn’t.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Naomi

  3 Weeks Later…

  “You look amazing!”

  I smiled widely as Jay wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. It felt so good to be in his arms again. His scent, his warmth, and his strength—they all teamed up to make him so damn irresistible. When I was in his arms I felt like there were no real problems in my life and that everything, no matter how scary, was going to be OK.

  But I had to remind myself why I was there and what I had to do.

  It had been almost six weeks since I’d seen or even spoken to Jay. In those six weeks I’d done my best to move on but being sidelined with the news that I was now carrying Jay’s baby had made the transition back to single life a bit hard to accomplish. And we’d never been an actual couple. That was another thing I had to keep in the forefront of my mind. Jay and I were just friends, nothing more.

  At least that was what I kept trying to tell myself. I’d never disclosed my real feelings to Jay. I barely wanted to allow my own mind to think about them, but I knew that Jay was the type of man I could easily fall in love with and I was pretty sure I’d been starting down that path when I finally called it quits with him. There were too many things coming at me from all directions. And I freaked out a bit; he’d seen that. Hell, he’d called
me out on it and despite my best efforts to dismiss it, he was right.

  But that was no longer important. What was most important right now was doing the right thing for our child and making sure that the baby would be well-cared for and always loved. I had all of that lined up. I didn’t need Jay for any of it. But of course he deserved to know that he had a child coming. I just hoped he handled it the way I prayed he would.

  “So do you,” I said as we broke the embrace. I sat down across from him in the quiet coffee shop. I’d asked Jay to meet me there on a Saturday afternoon since I figured we’d both be off work and he would have the weekend to process everything. Plus the coffee shop was a good neutral place where neither of us would feel pressure.

  “So, how have you been?” Jay asked.

  His smile was so infectious. He had this lust for life, a radiance that just glowed from within him that one could not help but be touched by. I wasn’t sure where he got his happiness from, but I wished some of it would rub off on me. Lately, I’d been feeling like there was as dark cloud over me and it had seriously affected my enjoyment of just basic, everyday things.

  I figured it was to do with the stress of the baby coming, but when I searched my soul I knew the real reason. I did not want to do this. I didn’t want to push Jay away for good. In fact, I wanted to be with him, which was precisely the reason why I couldn’t be with him.

  “Things have been good,” I said.

  “Well, I have to admit I am a bit surprised that you asked me to meet with you,” Jay said. “After the last time we were… um… together… I was sure that you didn’t want to see me anymore. And I understood. It was wrong of me to lay all that on you.”

  “It was,” I said. “But it isn’t really your fault. I should have been more up front with you about how I was really feeling and opened up more about my past.”

  Jay raised his hands and backed away slightly. “Hey, if anyone has some apologizing to do about not talking about their past, I think I should get the prize for that one. I’m a bit more closed off than is for my own good, but I am working on that.”

  “Good,” I said. “That makes two of us.”

  The waitress came and took our orders. I chose coffee and a piece of carrot cake. Jay decided on the same.

  “What is it about pie and coffee that makes such a killer combo?” Jay asked with that devilish grin he flashed so often, the one I missed like crazy. God, this was so hard. Just being around him was difficult. Every fiber of my being was screaming at me to just tell Jay that I missed him and I wanted to be with him. But it wasn’t about me anymore. I had a baby to think about…

  “Listen, I asked you to meet me for a specific reason,” I said. It was time to stop delaying and just cut straight to it. That was the best way to deliver bad news or do something you didn’t want to do.

  “OK,” Jay said. “What’s on your mind?”

  I took a deep breath and just let it out.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Jay was totally emotionless for several seconds. It was almost like he hadn’t heard a word I said and I began to question whether or not I’d actually said it. But then he started blinking quickly and looking side to side, as if we were talking about something deeply disturbing and he didn’t want anyone else to catch a whiff of it.

  “What did you say?” Jay asked slowly.

  The stinging against the back of my eyeballs was immense. It felt like a tidal wave of tears were bouncing against some large wall, but they were threatening to break through at any second.

  “I’m… pregnant,” I said.

  Jay took several long breaths and then a big grin began to spread across his handsome face.

  “I don’t believe this!” He said, his voice rising to an almost high pitched shrill. “This is amazing.”

  “You are happy?” I asked. For some reason I thought he would be angry about it. I realized that made no sense, and I honestly wasn’t sure how he might react to this news, but I did not expect him to respond with such jubilation.

  “Of course I’m happy!” He exclaimed. “This is… wow… I… how long? How far along are you?”

  “I’m about seven weeks,” I said.

  “When did you find out?”

  I gritted my teeth and bit my lip before answering. I wanted to lie to him, but I didn’t. “About three weeks ago.”

  Jay leaned back in his chair and looked at me strangely while tilting his head first to the right and then back to the center. He wore an expression of confusion.

  “You’ve known about this for a few weeks now? Why did you wait so long to tell me?”

  “I waited because I wasn’t sure how you would react,” I said.

  “Are you kidding? I’m over the moon. I… I can’t remember ever being so happy. I’m going to be a father.”

  “I was actually more afraid of that,” I said. With every word I spoke it seemed like I was just digging myself farther and farther into a large hole that I wasn’t going to get out of.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I want you to understand that having this baby doesn’t change anything with us,” I said. “You and I are not a couple.”

  Jay’s face became solemn and I could see the elation he was feeling turning into absolute sadness, bordering on despair. I’d never seen Jay cry and I didn’t think I ever would, but right there and then I thought it might actually happen.

  After several seconds of total silence Jay crossed his arms and looked at me, eye to eye. He was actually staring into my eyes, almost looking through me. I felt very naked and exposed. The air was suddenly much colder and I wanted to be anywhere but there. Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t things ever be easy?

  “Why wouldn’t it change? We are having a child together. We are now forever (at least until the child is of a certain age) linked to each other just based on that. And why would you want the child to grow up without a father?”

  The waitress brought our coffee and cake. Then she walked away smiling at Jay who was still staring daggers at me.

  “I just don’t think you understand that this doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want a relationship right now.”

  “You don’t want a relationship? Or you just don’t want one with me?”

  The tears were starting to shine through now, easing out of the corners of my eyes.

  “You don’t want me to say…” I replied. I didn’t want to hurt Jay.

  “Sure, I do. I’m a big boy. I can handle it. I’m pretty good at sniffing out mistruths. I’ve known that you haven’t been totally straight with me from day one. I want the truth. Why don’t you want me? I know you have feelings for me and I have shown you that I have strong feelings for you. Why are you hiding from yourself?”

  “It’s your job,” I said.

  Jay paused and looked at me like I was crazy. “My job? What are you talking about? What is wrong with my job? I’m damned proud of what I do.”

  “I am, too,” I said. “But I can’t be with a man who is in the military.”

  “Several people in your family were in the military. If anyone understands that life, it would be you,” Jay said.

  “I know. That is why I can’t do it.”

  “I don’t understand,” Jay said. “You need to break this down for me.”

  “What happens when you don’t come home? What happens when our child ends up losing his father to some accident or some mission? Are you telling me that there is no chance you will ever see combat again?”

  “Of course I can’t tell you that. There is always the possibility that I will have to go back. Things change.”

  “Then that is why. I can’t have that instability. I can’t risk that pain.”

  “So, you are willing to give up on love because there is a small risk that one day you might lose that person to something horrible? Welcome to the real world. Everyone who has ever been in love and dedicated their lives to somebody faces that same risk. Everyone dies eventually. One of you will be
alone someday.”

  I grabbed the napkin off the table and wiped my eyes with it.

  “Look, I didn’t come here to talk about us,” I said. “I came here to let you know you have a child on the way. I don’t expect you to do anything. I don’t want anything from you. But I want to make sure you understand that there is nothing else between us.”

  “Look, I’m sorry you feel the way you do,” Jay said. “I’m a military man. It’s what I do. It’s what I was meant for. It’s what I love. If you can’t understand that then you might as well ask me to quit breathing. But for you to throw away what could be an amazing love because you are scared, is pretty sad. It might be the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. But, fine. Just keep in touch about what is going on with the baby. I’m going to be involved in the child’s life and I’m going to be the best father I can be. So, you and I will be seeing a lot of each other. I just hope you can handle it.”

  Jay pulled twenty dollar bill out of his wallet and slid it under his coffee mug. Then he got up and walked out the door without even looking back at me.

  The moment he was out of sight I bowed my head and sobbed. What in the world had I just done?

  I had a feeling deep down inside of the bottom recesses of my heart, that I had made a horrible mistake.

  And I wasn’t sure if it could ever be fixed.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jay

  I left my therapist’s office feeling much better than I had when I’d gone in. The weekend had been very troubling for me after Naomi laid the bombshell on me that she was pregnant. The moment I heard the news I just wanted to pick her up and hold her tightly against me. We were going to be parents to a beautiful child. That was the most astounding news I could have received.

  My mind immediately went to thinking that this meant Naomi and I were going to be together. I’m an old fashioned guy and I have always believed in a strong family unit. I always had my parents by my side and they helped me to grow up to be a strong and capable person. I knew that Naomi was going to be a great mother and she would raise a beautiful human being either by herself or with a partner. It didn’t make sense to me initially why that person wouldn’t be me. I was the baby’s father. It just seemed to be perfectly rational and logical.