The Stein & Candle Detective Agency, Vol. 3: Red Reunion (The Stein & Candle Detective Agency #3)

by Michael Panush

  I nodded as I forked over ten bucks to the cabbie. “Got that right.”

  The taxi driver took the money. “Mister?” he asked. “Is there anything I should do about seeing that lizard man?”

  “Want my advice? Forget it ever happened.” I turned away and walked outside. We left the cabstand and met up with Selena and Chad. Both were anxious to know what we had learned, and Weatherby explained everything. The kid was deep in thought, running down options of what exactly Tommy Gabriel could be.

  It wasn’t until we got back to the Roadmaster that he sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know,” he said softly. “It can’t be a naga, for those beings are feminine and retain their serpentine tails. It could perhaps be one of Dogon’s reptilian men, but those are most decidedly inhuman. I doubt one could pass for a lounge singer.”

  Selena patted his shoulder. “Just think on it, darling. I’m sure there’s an answer. I’ve heard many accounts of reptile people walking amongst us, so perhaps they all have a common source.”

  Chad coughed. I looked over to him as I started the engine. “You got something to say, beat boy?” I asked.

  “Well, I think I do, Mr. Candle.” He turned around, preferring to talk to Weatherby than to me. “Okay, dig this – I read a lot of some really weird books, just way out there stuff. Half the time, the people who write them are hopped up on bennies and booze, so I take them with a grain of salt. But I got my hands on of a copy of the rough draft of this book by Bill Burroughs, and he talks all about other dimensions, filled with bizarre creatures, connected to our own.”

  “And some of those creatures are reptilian?” Weatherby wondered.

  “He calls them Mugwumps. The ones in his story are in a place called Interzone, and their piss is some kind of super drug. But that’s not important. What is, is that one of the places you can get to Interzone, or other freak-o dimensions is Crystal Grove National Park. That’s not but a few miles from here.”

  I considered his theory. I didn’t like it. I’d sooner drive the Roadmaster off a cliff than believe in the ravings of some lunatic junkie writer. I looked at Weatherby, and I saw disbelief in his face, but a little trust too. “You want to check it out?” I asked, speaking to the kid and no one else.

  “I suppose so. After all, the cab driver said that he dropped Mr. Gabriel near that area,” Weatherby agreed. “It seems to be a good lead.”

  Chad smiled. “Good enough at least,” I said, trying to cut down his optimism. I turned the auto around and headed for the highway. Crystal Grove wasn’t far.

  We made good time and got there in the late afternoon. Selena had brought sandwiches for all of us, and we ate on the way. She had even gotten roast beef for Weatherby, which was his favorite. Selena was a great girl, and the perfect sister to Weatherby. I guess that was why he didn’t mind Chad so much. He’d do anything for her – and that meant enjoying the company of her boyfriend. But I got the feeling it wasn’t much more than an act on his part – and I didn’t even bother to do that.

  “You got a job, Chad?” I asked, as we bought tickets to the park from a small guardhouse. “Or do you just write poetry, play bongos and spend your parents’ money?”

  “I do some short-order cooking at a place in the Village, while I’m in school,” Chad replied. He stared at me, and took off his sunglasses. “Look, man,” he said. “I know you saved the kid’s life in the War, and you’ve been taking care of him, but I don’t like this whole hostility thing. I’ve been nothing but polite to you, and you think you can run me down for some reason. Well, I won’t have it.”

  We drove into a small parking lot, surrounding by tall trees. Crystal Grove was a little forest, the trees gleaming in the sunlight so it looked like everything was dappled with silver.

  “Chad, please don’t get into a fight with him,” Selena said and he clammed up.

  I smiled. “The little lady’s got you on a short leash, huh? What’s a matter? You light in the pants like your other hipster friends?”

  That made Chad angry. He turned around and glared at me. “Selena, I can’t tolerate this guy! I just can’t! He’s so full of himself, hates everything that isn’t like him, and he’s a square! I love you and your kid brother’s cool, but Mort Candle is an idiot and brute!”

  “I’ll show you a brute, you spoiled brat—”

  “Wait!” Weatherby stopped us all. He pointed past the parking lot, to the gnarled roots of a tall tree. “Are those clothes?”

  We all left the car and ran to get a better look. Sure enough, a bulky trench coat, fedora, silver suit jacket, matching paints and shoes, and a bolo tie lay in the ground, half-covered by dirt. Footprints led away from the clothes. They weren’t made by human feet. They had three claws, like they belonged on some bird or lizard. I held up one of the shoes, watching the rhinestones glow like pale fire in the sunlight. We all knew who had left these. Gabriel had been here.

  “The lounge lizard didn’t do much to hide his trail.” I let the shining shoe fall into the dirt.

  “He was in a hurry, perhaps,” Weatherby suggested. “Shall we follow the footprints?”

  “Sure.” I patted the twin .45s I carried in crossed shoulder-holsters. There wasn’t much that wouldn’t be stopped by a bullet from one of those. “As long as it’s okay with lower class Fauntleroy, here.”

  “It’s fine by me, man,” Chad retorted. “Lead on.”

  We walked after the footprints, following them as they wandered seemingly at random between the trees. Those trees seemed to grow closer and closer together, and it wasn’t long before I noticed long curling vines had wrapped around them. The temperature was rising. Sweat appeared on my forehead and dampened the sleeves of my coat. The smart part of my brain was yelling at me to go back and forget about the case, but I didn’t listen. We kept on walking, leaving a temperate mountain forest and walking into a jungle.

  After a few more minutes, the trees widened out into a clearing, near the banks of a mighty river. Tall mountains reared up in the distance, piercing a primeval mist. Tropical birds fluttered around in the branches, but they didn’t have feathers, only scales. We weren’t in Kansas anymore.

  “Good Heavens,” Selena whispered. “We have entered another world.”

  Weatherby shivered as he reached into his coat. “I don’t think we’re alone either.”

  He was right. I heard something behind us, pattering through the forest on clawed feet. I turned around, reaching for my pistols. Chad held protectively to Selena, pulling her to close to him. She put a hand on Weatherby’s shoulder. They made a strange trio – this beatnik, cute college girl and spindly teenage occultist – but I guess they were a family nonetheless.

  But they wouldn’t last long if I wasn’t tough enough. I turned around – just in time to see something step out of the jungle. It was a lizard the size of a timber wolf, walking on two long legs tipped with curved claws, with a narrow snout full of glowing green teeth and eyes full of hate and hunger. Its scales were tan, with stripes the color of dried blood. The lizard looked hungry. I decided to feed it.

  I drew my automatics as it charged us, hissing madly. The lizard pounced. I fired, my bullet striking it square in the skull. The lizard fell at my feet, writhing in the red dirt as it died. I looked up, happy with my kill. “He wasn’t that tough,” I said. “Maybe I should take him back, get him stuffed and put in a hunting lodge. What do you think, kiddo?”

  “Mort?” Weatherby pointed into the jungle. “I’m afraid he has friends.”

  He was right. Dozens of the lizards peered out at us from behind trees, slowly creeping closer. They were pack animals, surrounding us, cutting off any escape – and then moving in for the kill. I turned around, leveling my pistols at all of them. They hadn’t heard a gunshot before, and it didn’t scare them.

  “What the hell are these things?” I muttered, as Weatherby drew his revolver.

  “Dinosaurs. Velociraptors, to be exact.” Weatherby looked at his sister. “We saw thei
r skeletons in New York, at the Museum of Natural History. Do you remember that?”

  “I do,” Selena agreed. “We had a wonderful time. If we survive this, Weatherby, we’ll have to go back.” She didn’t mention that the odds were against it. The raptors crept forward. I saved my bullets, waiting for their charge. Selena grabbed a large rock, and Chad picked up a stout branch for use as a bludgeon. I didn’t think that would last long against the claws of the raptors.

  They came forward at once, like some silent signal had been given. I turned around and started shooting, blazing away with both pistols. The raptors tumbled down after my shots, the heavy .45s cutting deep holes in their scaly skin and splattering blood on jungle leaves. Weatherby’s revolver thundered away, uselessly kicking up some dirt. A raptor came toward me from behind, rearing up to take a bite out of my back. Chad smacked the branch into its open mouth, sending it snarling back into the woods getting a taste of nothing buts its own blood and cracked teeth.

  I looked up at him as he pulled his club back for another. “Where’d you learn to do that?” I asked, gunning down a raptor before it could reach Selena.

  He shrugged. “My old man was keen on golfing. I can swing a club pretty well.”

  Another raptor came at me, and I turned around to plant a couple slugs in its face. That’s when I remembered I had fired my last shell. My pistols clicked empty, and I saw the dinosaur slowly leave the ground, flying toward me with its twin sickle claws about to cut open my chest. Before it could land, a spear struck its throat. The raptor fell down, gurgling as it bled out.

  A flurry of spears and arrows followed. I looked up to see three large dinosaurs headed our way, with riders that could pass for human in low light. The dinosaurs were big hulking monsters, rivaling rhinos for size, with thick frills and three horns each. Their riders had arms and legs like people, but were covered in green scales instead of skin. Their round faces had blunt snouts and sharp teeth, without ears or hair. They wore loose vests and trousers made from dinosaur skin, and carried long lances.

  I raised my hands as I faced them. “Any of you lizards speak English?” I asked. “I just want to thank you, for saving our behinds.”

  “Hey, don’t worry about it.” The lizard man in the middle raised his lance. “But you gotta leave this place, right now. It’s nothing but trouble for people like you.” He spoke English like a native, and his voice flowed like syrup. It was warm and familiar.

  Selena recognized our savior after he spoke. “My God,” she whispered. “You’re Tommy Gabriel! I’d know that voice anywhere.” She grinned. “You sound just like you did in ‘Love me Like the Lightning Loves the Thunder’ and ‘You’re in My Dreams, You’re in My Mind’!”

  Weatherby stared at this sister. “You like this simpering warbler?” he asked.

  “Well, my roommates have all his records.” She shrugged. “I don’t mind him.”

  Gabriel smiled. It was odd, seeing a lizard grin. “Always good to meet a fan,” he said, leaning down on his triceratops. “But I ain’t lying about leaving here. It’s a dangerous place. All kinds of hungry dinosaurs and savage tribes are around, and they’ll eat you just for fun.” He pointed back to the jungle with his spear. “Just turn around and move.”

  I shook my head. “Sorry, Mr. Gabriel. We’ve been sent to find you. Ben Blemmy isn’t happy that you’re leaving his club – and took a heap of dough with you.”

  The lounge lizard sagged in the saddle. He had the suitcase hanging from a strap on his saddle, and pulled it out. “Yeah…” he said. “I guess I did. I was panicking, and just kind of grabbed it and ran. I wasn’t thinking straight – like why I wouldn’t even need bread out here? I just had to get out of there.” He sighed. “I guess Mr. Blemmy must be pretty upset.”

  “Got that right, man,” Chad agreed. “He’s all set to blow a gasket. But how’d a lizard man like you end up working as a lounge singer anyway? That’s a story I’d like to here.”

  “It’s not long. I was born to a pretty high-class family here, but I wasn’t any good at sword-fighting or dino-riding, which is what most people do. No, the only thing I wanted to do was sing. And after some exploring, I found a path that led to your world. I covered myself up in some old rags I found, snuck around until I learned your language, and started singing for pennies in parks and stuff. Soon I had enough money to get some real masks made. After that, Tommy Gabriel’s career was on the rise, baby.” He smiled, his sharp teeth making his grin look predatory. “But then I started gambling and got in deep. So I ran. And I guess you fellows are here to bring me back.”

  “Do you want us to?” Selena wondered.

  “I don’t know.” Gabriel touched his sharp teeth with his tongue. “I’m a prince out here, but I don’t like it. And back in the Royal Crown, I got fans and friends – but all the money and the troubles just bring me down. But it’s only there that I can sing, you know?”

  “Perhaps we can make a compromise,” Weatherby suggested. “Mr. Blemmy wants his money back. Maybe if you gave it to him, he’d forgive you, and allow you to stay here.” He held out his hand. “Will you come and bring it back with us?”

  Tommy Gabriel considered the question, but then shook his head. “Sorry, kid, but Blemmy’s connected and he’s a nut. He’d kill me on sight.” He closed his lipless mouth. “But I’ll tell you what – bring him out here, and I’ll give him the money. That way, I know he won’t have a death trap waiting for me back at the Royal Crown. How’s that sound?”

  “Aces. Sounds like a plan.” I walked over to the dino, holding out my hand. Tommy leaned down and shook it. “You might want to avoid having your pals on the big lizards show up. Something tells me Ben Blemmy scares easily.”

  After giving my suggestion, Weatherby, Selena, Chad and I headed back to our world, leaving Lizard World the same way we had come. I was pleased with myself. We had found Tommy Gabriel, and soon Blemmy would have his money back and the whole situation would end without violence and mob involvement. Things were looking up. But experience has taught me that things normally do – right before you go off the cliff.

  After leaving Crystal Grove, we drove back to the Royal Crown Lounge. It was dark in the Lizard World and it was dark in our world too. I sped the Roadmaster down the strip of pavement, the trees flying by as I increased the speed. I figured this case should be closed quickly. As it turned out, I didn’t close it nearly fast enough.

  We reached the Royal Crown Lounge and headed inside. The place was packed, tons of tourists showing up for dinner and the evening entertainment. They crowded around the lobby and the main floor in their dinner jackets and gowns, talking about how rich they were and the cold air. I ignored them, scanning the room for a round guy in a leopard print tuxedo. It didn’t take long to spot him.

  Ben Blemmy hurried over to us, forcing his way through the crowd. “Mr. Candle! Mr. Stein!” he called. “It’s great to see you! What have you got for me? Here, come to my office.” He turned around, and started leading us through the crowd.

  “We found Tommy Gabriel,” I said, as we walked through the crowd and headed up a small stairwell to the offices. The carpet led away to a warm mahogany floor, with glossy wood panels on the wall. “But you ain’t gonna believe where he is. Or what he is.”

  Blemmy turned around. “What do you mean?”

  “He’s a lizard,” Chad explained. “In a Lizard World dimension, that’s next to our own.”

  “Uh-huh.” Blemmy took the news well. “Makes sense. That’s why he always kept the temperature a certain way. It even explains those big eyes of his – and his tongue – which the ladies loved, by the way.” He reached the door of his office, but stopped and turned around. “So, you know where he is?”

  “That’s right, sir,” Selena agreed. “And what’s more, he’s agreed to hand over the money he stole and—”

  “That’s swell!” Blemmy cut her off as he opened the door. “Because the fellows from Reno arrived, and they’re anxious to get
hunting.”

  We stepped inside Blemmy’s cavernous office. The place was like a gilded garage, big and mostly empty. A dozen men in colorful suits lounged around, sipping martinis or smoking. They carried guns openly, as there was no need to hide their weapons in a mob-owned club. But I didn’t pay any attention to the goombahs. I was looking at their leader, and he turned to look at me, a horrible smile twisting his deformed face. That was the face you could recognize anywhere, the kind a mother could only pretend to love. It was the face of Joey Verona, and I was responsible for making him the way he was.

  Joey Verona stood up and walked toward me. “Morty!” he cried. “So good to see you! It’s been so long! Too long, I’d say!” The left side of his face was a candle that had been lit too long. Yellow and splotchy, it sagged to enlarge his eye and force him to talk out of the right corner of his mouth. His slicked back hair was steel grey and he wore a salmon pink suit with a white rose in the lapel. Verona had a vendetta against me, a result of leaving him in a zombie-infested city, at the mercy of an atomic bomb.

  I went for my automatics. It was bad enough that Verona was here, but so were Selena and her new boyfriend. I couldn’t let that psycho mobster hurt either of them. But Verona shook his head. “Come on, Mort,” he said. “We’re friends here, huh? Relax. I’m a professional. I’m on the Outfit’s dollar. You know what’d happen to me if I went nuts and fouled up Blemmy’s play?”

  “You won’t try for revenge?” I asked, fingers firm around my automatics.

  “Not at all, not at all!” Verona’s lopsided smile faded for just a second. “Well, not unless you give me a reason, Mort.” He turned to Blemmy. “Besides, I got someone else to kill. You and your friends located Tommy Gabriel yet, Morty?”

  “They have,” Blemmy agreed. “And I think he said he’s willing to deal.”

  “He’ll give back the money he stole, provided you leave him alone,” Weatherby explained. “He wants to meet you in the Lizard World, where the transaction can be completed.”