Lilly grabbed her phone and punched out a text message to Grams. BABY. HOSPITAL. HURRY.
The van hit a pothole and everyone bounced a few inches off the seat. Mom groaned and clutched her belly. Her skin looked like paste.
“Hey! Can you be a little more careful?” Stan glared at the driver.
Mom squeezed Lilly’s hand as another pain took hold. Uh-oh—a big one. Lilly winced and turned her face away so her mom wouldn’t know she practically broke Lilly’s fingers. It went on for a long time until, finally, her grip loosened and her gasps subsided. “That was a whopper, huh, Lill?” Mom offered a brave wink.
“Are you going to be okay?” Lilly leaned over so she could look right into her mom’s eyes. “You’re going to get pain medicine at the hospital, right?” She’d be crazy not to.
“What, and miss out on all the fun? Nah.” Mom’s grin wobbled at the corners. “I can take it.” Another contraction started just as her words trailed off. “They’re coming … faster,” she grunted between breaths.
The van sped up, and the driver darted a glance in his rearview mirror. “Hang on. We’re almost there. Keep breathing.”
Stan rubbed Mom’s shoulders.
Mom huffed and puffed.
Please, God. Get us there on time.
Finally, the transport van turned into the hospital’s emergency bay and slowed to a stop. The driver gave three short horn blasts. Two nurses came out to meet them with a wheelchair. Mom motioned for them to wait until her contraction ended. The nurse in the panda scrubs shifted impatiently and looked at her watch. Finally, Mom lumbered from the van and squatted down to try to get into the wheelchair.
What if the baby fell out right on the sidewalk? Lilly shuddered at the thought as the nurses helped Mom lower into the seat. They wheeled her past the automatic doors and into the lobby. Phew. Lilly exhaled for what felt like the first time since they left Dr. Shepherd’s office.
The group headed toward a set of swinging doors on which a big sign screamed: No ADMITTANCE PAST THIS POINT. Nurse Panda turned around and put up a hand in front of Lilly. Peering over her half glasses, she pursed her lips and said, “You’ll have to wait out here. Someone will come tell you if anything happens.” Swoosh. The door swung shut behind them and Lilly stood there alone.
If anything happens? What had she meant by that?
Lilly sank down into one of the orange vinyl chairs in the waiting room and glanced at the television, her thoughts racing. What was happening to her mom? She would have a new little brother in a little while. But what if something went wrong? Oh God. Please don’t let anything go wrong. Lilly jumped up and paced as she prayed. You wouldn’t take her from me now. Would You? Not when we were just getting things figured out. I need her, Lord. Stan needs her, too. And we all need the baby. Please, God.
The sliding doors opened and someone came blustering in from outside. Grams! Lilly ran to her grandmother and threw her arms around her neck. “I haven’t seen Mom since they took her back. We don’t know anything. I don’t even know if she’s okay.” Lilly sobbed on her grandma’s shoulder. “What do we do?”
“Do? Well, we wait for this baby boy to come into the world.” She chuckled and squeezed Lilly’s shoulder. “Doll, people have babies every day. Just relax.” Grams pulled back from Lilly’s embrace and looked into her eyes. “It’s going to be fine—great, even. Just have faith.”
“Okay. I’ll try.” Lilly wiped her eyes and shook the tension from her arms.
“Come on.” Grams jerked her head toward the elevators. “Let’s go get some junk food.”
Just then, Nurse Panda stepped up to them. “Are you here for Margaret Sanders?”
Why the formality? The nurse already knew Lilly. Something must be wrong. Lilly’s mouth went dry.
Grams stepped forward. “Yep, I’m Peg’s mother. This is her daughter.”
“If you’ll come with me, then.” The nurse turned away without a word and led them to the elevators.
Why didn’t she smile? Wouldn’t a nurse be happy about the birth of a baby if everyone was fine? Lilly couldn’t control her racing thoughts, but she knew she needed to get a grip before she saw her mom.
The nurse led them to the fourth floor, past the nurses’ station, down the hall, and into a hospital room. In the middle of the room machines whizzed and beeped and medical-type people milled around. Lilly found Stan in the center of the melee—teary, but grinning. She followed his eyes as he proudly watched his wife, who looked exhausted but so very happy. In her arms lay a little bundle wrapped in blue with a pink and blue striped cap on his teeny head. The blanket rose and fell with the deep slumbering breaths of Lilly’s little baby brother. Brother. My brother.
“Come here, Lill. He’s beautiful. You’ve got to see him.” Mom gazed down at her arms as if she held an angel. She tipped her elbow down and lifted the baby’s head. “Meet your baby brother, Matthew—it means ‘gift of God’… because he is.” She grinned as she admired her son. Mom had never looked so beautiful.
Lilly stepped closer and peered over the folds of the blanket to see Matthew for the first time. She gasped as she gazed at the face of her baby brother. His perfect little rosebud lips were pursed in a kiss, and long, dark eyelashes rested on his chubby pink cheeks. The tiniest fingers she’d ever seen squeezed Stan’s strong finger—they only reached halfway around.
To Lilly’s surprise, her mom lifted the bundle and laid Matthew in her arms. When she looked into his eyes, she instantly understood what it meant to love someone so unconditionally it made her heart ache. This was what it meant to surrender and let God’s perfect love flow through her to encapsulate another human being. Someday God might have another for her, but for now, Baby Matty was all she needed.
True love.
The next three chapters tell the story of what happened to Lilly when she gave in to Jason’s advances.
Chapter 10
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Gazing into Jason’s eyes, Lilly knew exactly what she wanted. She’d do anything to have his unconditional love and acceptance. “Don’t worry, Jase. I’m not going to banish you to the couch.” She smiled nervously. “Your place is right beside me. All night long. No matter what.”
Jason grinned and jumped to his feet. “Now you’re making sense. What’re we waiting for?”
Lilly padded behind him toward his bedroom. What’s going to happen in there? This is so wrong. She looked in every direction, hoping for a diversion. But he loves me and I love him—true love—right?
When they reached the doorway, Jason turned, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiled at Lilly. He took both of her hands and backed into the room without breaking eye contact with her.
Lilly willed her body to stop shaking. Could he hear the thumping of her heartbeat?
Jason guided her in and released her hands when they arrived at the bedside. He walked back to the door and closed it softly before turning to her.
She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath while Jason approached.
“Everything’s going to be fine, Lill. Look …” He reached down and pulled back the covers on the twin-sized bed. “We’ll get in and cuddle.” Jason brushed off some crumbs, climbed into the bed, and scooted all the way over until his back pressed against the wall. He smiled and patted the spot next to him.
Oh God. What am I doing?
Ignoring the cries of her heart, Lilly crawled into the bed. The springs squeaked as the rickety frame accepted her weight. She settled in next to him, her back pressed against his chest, and nuzzled her face into the pillow. Maybe she’d fall right to sleep and morning would come before anything happened. Maybe not.
Rustling of the covers gave way to the touch of his hand on her shoulder. He ran hisfingertips down her arm to her wrist, sending sparks through her body.
“Mmm. Isn’t this nice?” he whispered, leaning close enough that she could feel his hot breath. Then Jason feathered a series of light kisses on the nape of
her neck.
Shivers shot up and down Lilly’s body, and she trembled for a completely different reason than before. Her resolve melted into desire, and her self-control went out the window.
What am I doing?
Exactly what I want to do. Her body took charge as Lilly rolled over so she and Jason were face-to-face. They locked eyes in silent agreement; then Lilly moved a few inches until their faces touched.
Jason pressed his lips hard against hers, and electricity shot between them.
Decision made.
Sunlight streamed through the vertical window blinds, leaving stripes on the wall like the bars of a jail cell. Lilly squinted, trying to grow accustomed to the light. Her eyes roved the room as memories from the night before trickled into her consciousness. She didn’t want to lift her head or shift her position, because Jason would wake up, and then she’d have to face him.
What have I done? Lilly groaned in silence and mentally pounded her forehead—but remained still.
Wait a minute. They loved each other. She shouldn’t be embarrassed. But what if she were pregnant? Could it happen that fast? From one time? Oh, there was that one girl from school. She had said it was her first time, but no one believed her. Most people had automatically assumed she slept around—Lilly had thought so, too. Would people think that of her if the same thing happened to her?
What if he doesn’t want me now?
Lilly had expected to wake up feeling more connected to Jason—part of a whole. Instead, she felt alone, exposed, naked—and not only physically. Jason now knew her better than anyone else, but Lilly felt like she didn’t know him at all. Could they go back to their old relationship?
No. Nothing would ever be the same. They’d taken a step that changed everything forever.
She’d given away her first time and could never, ever offer that to someone else—to her husband. Well, that settled it. She’d have to marry Jason—or no one.
Lilly reached out from the covers, stretching to pick up her sweatshirt from the floor near the bed. She pulled the shirt to her body, trying to move nothing but her arm. Still under the covers, she slipped her arms into the sleeves and got it ready to pull down over her head when she sat up, knowing the movement would probably wake Jason. One. Two. Three. Now.
In one motion, Lilly sat up and yanked her shirt down—without an instant to spare.
Jason groaned and rolled to his back. He stretched his arms over his head and smiled softly. He opened his eyes and saw Lilly sitting up beside him. “Hey, cutie. Where’re you going?” He pulled her down for a kiss.
Eww. His breath smelled horrible. “I’m going to brush my teeth.” You probably should, too.
“Okay. Then hurry back. We don’t have much time.” Jason wiggled his eyebrows up and down.
“Ha-ha. I don’t think so. I’m going home to shower.” Lilly moved from the bed, pulling one of the blankets around her exposed lower half. “We can talk later on, though. Maybe you can come over?”
“I don’t know…. Will your parents be home?”
“Probably. Why? We can watch a movie or something.” What was up with that? He wasn’t interested in hanging out if her parents were around? Would their whole relationship be about sex now?
“We’ll see.” Jason propped up on an elbow. “I wish you wouldn’t go so soon. We still have more time.”
“No. I really have to go. I need to pull myself together.” As if that were possible.
“All right. Make sure you lock the door when you leave.” Jason lay down and pulled the covers up to his neck.
He wasn’t even going to get up to see her out? Lilly blinked back tears and hurried to gather her things. She needed fresh air—and time to sort through what had happened.
The hot water made her skin tingle. Lilly moved under the pulsating showerhead so the stream would cascade from the top of her head, down to her feet—cleansing, refreshing.
Not renewing, though. Lilly’s tears mingled with the droplets and washed down the drain—like her innocence had the night before. Why? Why did I do it? She put her forearms on the ceramic tile and pressed her cheek against its cool surface.
Thirty minutes later, the hot water began to turn cold. Lilly turned off the shower. She still didn’t feel clean—but no shower could fix that. As she toweled off, she stared at the mirror, trying to find the changes. Were they visible on the outside? Would people know?
Lilly pulled the towel tight around her body and made her way to her bedroom, grateful no one else was home. A few minutes later, dressed in her baggiest and warmest sweat suit, Lilly crawled between the thick covers of her bed, curled into a ball, and squeezed her eyes shut.
Just let me sleep for an hour. Sleep—the only way to escape her thoughts, her regret, her shame.
Please pick up. Please pick up. Lilly bounced her foot as she sat on the edge of her bed, waiting for the youth pastor’s wife to answer her phone. She rubbed her eyes while she waited, still sleepy from her nap but a little less foggy.
“Hello?”
Oh, thank God.. “Heather? It’s Lilly. Do you have a minute?”
“Sure. What’s up?” It sounded like she shut off a water faucet.
Lilly bit a piece of dry skin off her lip. “I’m not disturbing anything, am I?”
“Nope, just doing dishes—always glad to be pulled away from that.” Heather chuckled. “Come on. Out with it. What’s going on?”
“I did something—actually, Jason and I did something—and now I wish I could undo it, but I can’t.” Lilly started to cry.
“Oh, sweetie. I think I understand what you’re saying.” Heather sighed.
“Yeah. It’s been a rough morning. I took a nap, and I feel somewhat better. But I can’t get past the thought that I can’t fix this. And … what if I’m pregnant?”
“Well, there’s nothing you can do to change that now. You’ll have to wait a few weeks to see. Try not to dwell on that, though. There’s no point … until you know.” Heather was silent for a few seconds. “Have you told your mom?”
“No way!” Lilly saw her wide-eyed, horrified expression in the mirror.
“Lilly, this is big. It’s not like you watched a bad movie or said a swear word—what happened is life changing. You’re going to need some help with this.” Heather cleared her throat. “I really think you should give your mom a chance. Maybe Zach and I could talk to her with you.”
Big mistake calling Heather. “Well, I’ll thinkabout what you said. I have to go now.”
“When you’re ready, I have a group that I’d like to bring you to.” Heather rushed her words. “It’s for girls in situations just like you.”
“Yeah. I’ll think about it. Thanks. Gotta go.” Lilly hung up and stared at the phone. Heather might have been right, but she could never tell Mom about what happened. Why had she even called her? This was private—what if Heather told someone?
Lilly groaned and flopped back on her bed. She pounded her forehead with her fist. How long would she feel this way? She wished she could crawl out of her skin … become someone else … start over. But sadly it was now crystal clear that life had no do-overs. She rolled to the side and clutched her blanket.
A soft knock sounded on her door. “Lill? You in there?”
Great. Just what she needed. “Yeah. Just a sec.” Lilly jumped off the bed and smoothed her mussed-up hair. She took a deep breath and pasted a grin on her face before opening the door. She breezed right past her bewildered-looking Mom.
“Where are you go–”
“I’m starving—going down to the kitchen,”
Lilly shot over her shoulder as she hurried down the hall. “Want to join me?” Natural enough, or over the top? Calm down a little. Too much false energy was as bad as too little.
Mom had already started following—well, waddling—along behind her. “Stan and I just got back from lunch. I brought you a burger and fries.”
“I can see we’re still on the health-food kick,” Lilly
teased, hoping it didn’t sound snide. Had Mom noticed a difference in her yet?
“Yeah. Hopefully the junk-food cravings stop when the baby comes.” Mom smiled down at her belly and rubbed in gentle circles. “Only a few more weeks.”
Oh right. Her shoulders relaxed. She needn’t put on an act to convince them nothing was wrong—they wouldn’t pick up on it even if she dissolved in tears right in front of them. She was invisible.
“Yep. A few more weeks.” Talk about the baby. That would keep Mom distracted. Lilly took the foam carryout container from the refrigerator. “Can you hold out?” She peeked inside, suddenly famished.
Mom poured two glasses of milk while Lilly put her food in the microwave. “I don’t have a whole lot of choice. This little guy will join us when he’s good and ready.”
“Are you nervous about the birth?” It had never crossed Lilly’s mind to wonder about that before.
Mom tilted her head to the side. “Hmm. Nervous? I wouldn’t exactly say that. I mean, I’ve done this before, and I pretty much know what to expect. I’m not looking forward to the pain, though.” She laughed and brought the milk to the table. The chair creaked as Mom fell into it.
Lilly shuddered. “I don’t know if I ever want to have kids.” Unless I’m already pregnant. “The idea of knowing how bad it’s going to hurt and that you kind of have to let things happen to you … I mean, the baby’s got to come out…. Ewww.” Lilly squeezed some ketchup onto her burger and into a mound next to the limp french fries. She took a big bite of her juicy burger. “No thanks,” she mumbled through her full mouth.
“Oh, you’ll feel differently about pregnancy and childbirth when you get older. You’ll see.” Mom swiped a fry and folded it into her mouth. “Remember when you used to think Jason was nothing but a gross boy? Things changed, didn’t they?”
Why did she have to bring him up? “Yeah, I guess so.” Lilly’s appetite vanished. She moved the fries around and tried to take another bite. No use. “You want the rest of this, Mom?”
Swept Away Page 20
