“Um. Sure. But why? I thought you were hungry.” Mom reached across the table and pulled the container to her.
“I was … but not anymore.”
Chapter 11
NOT ENOUGH
“You what?” Jason’s eyes flashed as he stared Lilly down. “You can’t decide to go back to the way things were. It doesn’t work that way, little girl.”
Lilly winced and covered her face with her hands, leaning her head against the brick wall of the school building. “I thought you loved me.” Tears seeped between her fingers, and her shoulders shook. Surely he’d comfort her.
“I thought you loved me. But now you’re trying to tell me you regret our time together?” Jason glared across the schoolyard as the students filed off their buses. “And you don’t want it to happen again?” He lowered his voice to a hiss. “How can you even say that and expect it to be okay?”
“How can I? How can you?” Lilly dug in herjacket pocket for a tissue. “You promised that if I got uncomfortable, we’d pull back. How can you be so”—she gestured at his crossed arms and angry facial expression—”mean?”
“I’m not being mean. I’m being realistic. You made your choice. There’s no going back now.” Jason raised his eyebrows. “So what’s it going to be?”
“I don’t even know you.” Lilly sobbed, seeing but ignoring the stares of the students milling all around her.
Jason shrugged and grabbed his bag. He swaggered off to blend into the flow of people entering the building before the start of the school day.
Lilly watched him walk away looking casual, not a care in the world. Jason grinned as a friend approached him, and as they walked through the school entrance, Jason gave his a buddy a fist bump.
Lilly shuddered to think what that was about.
How could such a busy lunchroom feel so empty? Lilly slid a tray along the cafeteria shelf and tried to select something to eat. Her stomach felt hollow, and nothing sounded good. She picked up half of a limp turkey sandwich and a little bowl of vanilla pudding, knowing she wouldn’t eat any. Lilly searched for a seat, carefully keeping her eyes from wandering in the direction of the table where she and Jason used to sit.
In the middle of the room, Samantha Pruitt stood beside a table, waving. “Lilly. Come on over. I saved you a seat.”
Phew. She hurried over to Sam and slid in beside her. “Thanks. You spared me several moments of agony.”
Sam fingered her sandwich then popped a potato chip into her mouth. “So …” She held up a finger while she finished her bite. “I heard what happened. Are you okay?”
“You heard Jason and I broke up?” Hopefully that’s all she heard.
“Well, yeah. But there are stories about the weekend floating around.” Sam winced. “I hate being the bearer of bad news.”
Ugh. Seriously? Three hours into the school day and news of the biggest mistake of her life was already being whispered up and down the hallways? “I don’t even want to know. I’d rather crawl into a hole.” Lilly put her head in her hands. “I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. Ever.”
“It’ll pass. Sooner than you think. But are you okay?” Sam’s eyebrows knitted together.
“Physically, I’m fine. Mentally, I’m exhausted. Emotionally—I’m destroyed. Any other questions?” Lilly dropped her head onto the table. “I can’t believe he spread this around already.”
Sam exhaled heavily. “Okay. I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I think it might help.” She took a sip of her Mountain Dew. “This summer I spent a month at my grandparents’ house in West Virginia. I met some people and even dated this one guy, Chad. To make a long story short, I ended up having sex with him a week before I was due to head home.”
Lilly’s mouth dropped open. “Really? Did you regret doing it?”
“Oh yeah, totally. I think about that night all the time and wish I could take it back. But, as you know, it’s too late.” Sam shrugged.
“So what happened with Chad? Did you stay in touch?”
Sam shook her head. “Sadly, no. He turned out to be a deadbeat.” She rolled her eyes and munched on another chip. “He bragged about his ‘conquest’ to all of his friends. Kind of like that.” Sam gestured across the room to Jason who perched on a lunch table with five guys standing around, practically drooling over whatever he said. “Turned out he had a girlfriend who had been out of town at her grandparents’ house while I was in town.”
“Wow. That’s terrible.” Lilly lifted a spoonful of pudding and then watched it plop back into her bowl. “Guys are jerks.”
“Some of them are.” Sam’s lip curled up in disgust as she surveyed the male options in the lunchroom. “We can only hope they get better with age.”
If time was supposed to heal wounds, five days sure hadn’t made much noticeable difference to Lilly. She had stumbled through her days at school, made the motions to study, engaged in conversations—but she was numb. Whenever she stopped to think about what happ– Shudder.
Lilly pulled her car into the student parking lot and checked the time—7:50. She had study hall first hour on Wednesdays and didn’t have to be in class until 8:10. Twenty minutes to mingle and chatter about useless things like parties and clothes? No thanks! She leaned her seat back as far as it could go and closed her eyes. She’d nap until she heard the bell. Who cared about all that stuff anyway? Me, that’s who. At least, I used to….
A few minutes later, she heard a whistle nearby. “You look hot, Stace.” Jason. He must not have seen Lilly inside her car. She scrunched down even lower.
“C’mere, cutie.”
Lilly cringed when Jason used her nickname on Stacie. How could he?
“Hey, Jason. How’s it going?” Stacie tried to sound aloof, but Lilly knew her better than that. She visualized her sidling up to Jason and batting her eyelashes as she looked up at him.
Jason laughed. “It’s all good now. Come on, the bell’s about to ring. I’ll walk you to class.”
Lilly waited a few seconds to let them pass. She pulled on the steering wheel and raised her body so she could watch them retreat.
Jason smiled down at Stacie, who practically drooled over him as one of the straps to her book bag slipped off her shoulder. He reached around her and slid the strap up Stacie’s arm until it rested in place. His fingers lingered on her shoulder, and he draped his arm across her back.
Slick.
That’s it. Lilly threw open the car door, grabbed her books, and made her way into the school with her head held high. No more brooding in the car or hiding in the shadows. He was slime. He was wrong. Sure, she’d made a bad decision—and one she’d pay for, for the rest of her life—but she wasn’t about to let him victimize her any longer.
“Lilly, let’s backtrack to the family session we had on Monday, okay?” Dr. Shepherd looked at her notes. “You really seemed out of sorts that day. You didn’t want to participate.”
Lilly shifted in her seat and chewed on her lip.
Dr. Shepherd lifted her eyes from her papers. “In fact, you seemed near tears several times.”
She winced and raised her shoulders.
“Something was definitely bothering you, but I didn’t want to call you out in front of the others. So what’s going on?”
Should she tell her or not? “I don’t know. I’m okay now.” Lilly inspected a hangnail.
“Remember, our sessions are confidential. I can’t really help you if you don’t open up to me.”
Lilly groaned and shook her head. “No offense. But I don’t think even you can help with this one.”
“Try me.” Dr. Shepherd put her pen down and held Lilly’s gaze while she waited.
Would she wait the whole session if she didn’t say anything? “All right.” Lilly groaned. “It’s really hard to say. It’s about Jason. We … um … we broke up.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”
“Well … um … things went a little too … okay, a lot too far be
tween us, and I wanted to pull back and he didn’t.” Lilly crossed and uncrossed her legs and bit her bottom lip until she tasted blood.
“How far is too far?” Dr. Shepherd leaned forward. “Please understand, I can only help you if I know what we’re dealing with.”
Lilly opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t formulate the words. She could feel her cheeks growing red in her embarrassment.
Dr. Shepherd reached a hand out to Lilly’s shoulder. “I’m assuming you two went all the way. Is that correct?”
Lilly nodded.
“And you have regrets, but he doesn’t?”
Talk about an understatement. “Yeah, something like that.” Lilly’s eyes darted everywhere but at Dr. Shepherd.
Dr. Shepherd put her pen and papers on the floor under her chair and clasped her hands together. “Why don’t you tell me what happened—what led up to it and how things got to that point?”
Lilly recounted the story, starting with their decision to go to church events in order to spend more time together, and ending with last Friday night—well, Saturday morning, actually.
“Okay. Right now we’re not going to talk about what you should have done—something tells me you’ve figured that out. Let’s talk about what to do now.” She picked up her papers and wrote some things down. “Do your mom and Stan know?”
Lilly’s heart sank. “No! You won’t tell them, will you?” She touched her swollen lip with her tongue and tasted the blood.
“No, I won’t tell them, Lilly. But I think you should.” Dr. Shepherd waited.
“I don’t want them to know. They’ll be so disappointed in me.”
“They love you—they both do—and they’ll help you through this. This is big for anyone, but especially for young girls like you who had visions of remaining pure.” Dr. Shepherd patted Lilly’s arm.
She thought she’d cried her last over this, but telling the story, seeing Dr. Shepherd’s concern, coming face-to-face with the magnitude of the situation again, unleashedthe flood. Lilly’s shoulders shook as she laid her head on her hands and sobbed. A wad of tissues appeared between her forearms, and she gratefully grabbed them.
It felt like hours but was probably only ten minutes later when Lilly lifted her head and found Dr. Shepherd sitting quietly with her eyes closed, moving her lips. Lilly cleared her throat and blew her nose.
Dr. Shepherd opened her eyes and smiled softly. “Feel better?”
“I guess so.” Lilly shrugged. “Were you praying?”
“Yep. God is my counselor. I look to Him to help me help you.” She grabbed Lilly’s hand. “Our time is up, but think about what I said. I’ll help you talk to them on Monday if you decide to.”
“I’ll give it some thought.”
Chapter 12
REDEMPTION
Ten. Waiting for Dr. Shepherd to call them in for their family session, Lilly counted the days since the incident. Was ten days long enough to expect healing? Would twenty do it? How about thirty? Sigh. Lilly feared she might never find peace with her mistake.
Dr. Shepherd poked her head out into the waiting area. “Come on in, guys.” She stood back and held the door open for them, then waited for everyone to have a seat. “I’m going to let Lilly start us off today. You can open up any topic you’d like, and when you need me to, I’ll jump in.”
Now what? Lilly looked from her mom to Stan and then over to Dr. Shepherd who nodded encouragingly. Lord, what do I do?
Trust Me.
She heard Him—felt Him—speak to her spirit and knew without a doubt that she needed to have this conversation. “Well, I do have something I want to talk about.” She took a deep breath, sat up straight, and told her story. She forced herself not to get sidetracked by the sounds of her mom’s sobs—didn’t even look in her direction.
I’m trusting You.
When she arrived at the part about Jason and Stacie, Stan jumped to his feet and paced the room like a lion in a cage.
Mom reached for a tissue from the box on the coffee table in front of her. “I … I just don’t know what to say.”
“What are you feeling right now, Peggy?” Dr. Shepherd wrote on her notepad.
“What am I feeling?” Mom’s eyes flashed. “I feel angry at Lilly for lying to me and for drinking alcohol. Angry at Jason for taking her innocence. Disappointed in Lilly for giving in. Confused why God let this all happen right under my nose.” She tried to stand but gave up and sat back in the chair. “And mostly I am so very mad at myself. I’ve been so wrapped up in saving my marriage and preparing for this babythat I’ve let Lilly take care of herself.” The dark circles under her eyes glared in contrast with her pale skin. Her shoulders hung low, and heavy eyelashes veiled her dark eyes.
Lilly finally let go. The flood she’d been holding back since they started talking spilled out. She slid off her chair, crawled over to her mom, and put her head in her lap while she cried. “M–Mom, I’m s–s–so sorry.”
“Sweetheart, we’ll find a way to help you with what you’ve gone through—maybe Dr. Shepherd knows of a group or something.” She chuckled. “Normally I’d have to punish the lying, the alcohol, and the overnighter, but I think we’re beyond punishment with this. We need to figure out where to go from here.”
“I think this is a good place for me to step in.” Dr. Shepherd smiled. “First of all, let me say, you have all made such beautiful progress over the past few months. I see a loving family before me. Each of you has shown that you place the needs of your family members above yourself. It’s wonderful.”
Mom grinned. “You know what? You’re right. This conversation would have gone much differently a few months ago.”
Lilly returned to her chair. Wow. Mom was right.
Dr. Shepherd went to her desk and reached into a drawer. She pulled out a blue paper. “This is a group that meets at a local church.” She handed the sheet to Lilly and then returned to her chair. “It’s led by a pastor’s wife who is also a counselor. The focus is to help girls like you reclaim their purity.”
“‘Reclaim their purity?’ “ Lilly raised her eyebrows. “I don’t know. Sounds kind of weird and … um … physically impossible.” She read the paper and nodded. “The leader is Heather, my youth pastor’s wife. She kind of started to tell me about the group.”
“Great. You know, physically, some things can’t be changed. But spiritually, it’s another matter entirely.” Dr. Shepherd leaned forward and put her elbows on her knees. “The Bible says that by changing your attitude to be like Christ, you can put off your old self that gets messed up by sin. Then you can take on the righteousness and holiness of God.”
“Hmm.” Lilly sat up a little straighter. Was there hope for her yet? “What do I need to do?”
“Lilly, I’m serious about this. It all comes down to your faith.” Dr. Shepherd took her hand. “You see, the reason so many people struggle with defeat is that they don’t believe they’re worthy of God’s grace, so they stay mired in their sin. He paid the price. He offered the forgiveness. He promised the renewal. So take it. It’s a free gift for you. Once you have it, though, you have to believe you have it, or it won’t help you get past this.”
Lilly hung on every word. It made perfect sense. “I want that.”
“I’d love to pray with you if you don’t mind.” Dr. Shepherd put down her papers.
“That would be great.” Wait. “You know what? I think I’d like to pray myself if it’s okay. I want to make this real.” Pray in front of people? Lilly shuddered at the thought—but this was important. She would do whatever it took.
Mom cleared her throat. “I think that would be beautiful.” Her voice cracked with emotion.
Stan walked back to his seat and sat on the edge. “I think it’s a fantastic idea.”
Here goes. Lilly took a deep breath and gathered her thoughts. She shut her eyes and lifted her face to the ceiling. “Dear Jesus. Please heal me.” Her voice caught as she struggled to stay composed. “Forgive
me for going against Your Word. I want to honor You with my actions and with my … um … body.” She slid from the chair to her knees. “Please. I believethat You have the power to restore me. Please renew me so I can stay pure until I get married. I vow to You that I will. I believe in Your promise. Amen.” Lilly knew God heard her disjointed prayer—even though it wasn’t flowery and eloquent.
Dr. Shepherd wiped her eyes. “You will never know how much that meant to me, Lilly.”
“Mom? You okay?” Lilly squinted through her tears to see her mom’s white-knuckle grip on the arms of the chair. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh nothing.” She chuckled. “I think people have had babies before. Just keep going,” she panted. “This is amazing.”
“Peg! You’re in labor? For how long?” Stan stood up and turned in a circle. “What do we do? Should we call someone?” His eyes pleaded with Dr. Shepherd who stared at Mom.
Mom scrunched her face and reached for Stan’s hand. “No, no. I mean, yes, I’m in labor. But no. We don’t need to call someone. I’ve got plenty of time. Keep talking.” She huffed her breaths and struggled to push her words out. “I wouldn’t want to interrupt this”—she released her grip and gestured to the group—”for anything.” She clutched her belly and moaned.
“Uh, Peg. We might not have a choice.”
Stan’s eyes pleaded with Dr. Shepherd, the panic evident in his eyes. “Should these contractions be this strong so soon?”
“Yeah, I thought they were supposed to come and go.” Lilly looked from Stan to Dr. Shepherd. “When will they let up?”
“Don’t worry. Things are moving pretty quickly, but nothing about having a baby is standard. I’ll call for an ambulance.” She turned to speak into the phone while Lilly and Stan talked to Mom.
“Mom, you’re going to be okay.” Oh God, please, please help my mom. Don’t let anything happen to her. I need her—we all do.
Swept Away Page 21
