The Secret Files of the Diogenes Club - [Diogenes Club 02]

by By Kim Newman

  “So what was it, magic?”

  Richard wasn’t going to argue the point. There weren’t instruments capable of measuring theoretically impossible temperatures, but Richard suspected the Professor wasn’t making an idle boast. Within his Box, reality had broken down. Quantum mechanics gave up, packed its bags and went to Marbella, and the supernatural house-sat for a while.

  “It’s where I found the Cold. Minus point zewo six. She was sleeping there. A basic hexagon. I almost missed her. Bweaking so-called absolute zewo was so much of an achievement. McKendwick saw her first. The little lab assistant took her for pwoof we had failed. There shouldn’t be ordinawy cwystals at minus point zewo six. And she wasn’t ordinawy. McKendwick found that out.”

  Richard assumed McKendrick was the snowman with the tam o’shanter. The others must be the rest of Cleaver’s staff. Kellett, Bakhtinin, Pouncey. And whoever the postman was. What about the few other residents of Sutton Mallet? Frozen in their homes? Ready to join the snow army?

  “Fwom a hexagon, she gwew, into a dendwitic star, with more stars on each bwanch. A hexagon squared. A hexagon cubed.”

  “Six to the power of six to the power of six?”

  “That’s wight, Mr Leech. Amusing, eh what? Then, she became a cluster of cwystals. A snowflake. Then. whoosh. The Box burst. The power went out. But she was fwee. She came fwom beyond the zewo bawwier. A pinpoint speck. Woom tempewature plummeted. The walls iced over, and the fweeze spwead out of the building. She took the village in hours. She took McKendwick and the others. Soon, she’ll be evewywhere.”

  “What about you?” asked Leech. “Will you be the Snow Queen’s ‘Pwime Minister’?”

  “Oh no, I’m going to die. Just like you. When the Cold spweads, over the whole planet, I’ll be happy to die with the west of the failed expewiment, humanity. It’s quite inevitable. Hadn’t you noticed. when you were coming here. hadn’t you noticed she’s gwowing? I think we’ll be done in thwee months or so, give or take an afternoon.”

  Richard whistled.

  “At least now we know the deadline,” he told Leech, slipping the hypodermic out of his hairy sleeve.

  Cleaver frowned, wondering if he should have given so much away. It was too late to consider the advisability of ranting.

  Leech took hold of the Professor and slammed his forehead against the older man’s, smashing his spectacles. A coconut shy crack resounded. Cleaver staggered, smearing his flowing moustache of blood.

  “Yhou bwoke mhy nhose!”

  Richard slid the needle into Cleaver’s neck. He tensed and went limp.

  “One down,” said Leech. “One to go.”

  “Yes, but she’s a big girl. What are the snowmen doing?”

  Leech looked out of the window, and said, “most have wandered off, but the postman’s still there, behaving himself.”

  “While Cleaver’s out, they shouldn’t move,” Richard said, unsure of himself. “Unless the Cold gets angry.”

  Richard plopped the Professor in a swivel chair and wheeled him into a corner, out of the way. Leech unslung his giant backpack and undid white canvas flaps to reveal a metal box studded with dials and switches like an old-time wireless receiver. He unwound an electrical cord and plugged it into a socket that wasn’t iced over. His bulky gadget lit up and began to hum. He opened a hatch and pulled out a trimphone handset, then cranked a handle and asked for an operator.

  * * * *

  “Who else would want a telephone you have to carry around?” asked Richard.

  Leech gave a feral, humourless smile and muttered, “Wouldn’t you like to know?” before getting through.

  “This is DL 001,” he said. “Yes, yes, Angela, it’s Derek. I’d like to speak with Miss Catriona Kaye, at the Manor House, Alder.”

  Leech held the trimphone against his chest while he was connected.

  “Let’s see if Madam Chairman has gathered her Talents,” he said.

  Richard certainly hoped she had.

  * * * *

  VI

  They were on the road to Mangle Wurzel Country because some paranormal crisis was out of hand. Jamie had a fair idea what that meant.

  Growing up as the son of the current Dr Shade and the former Kentish Glory, it had taken several playground spats and uncomfortable parent-teacher meetings to realize that other kids (and grown-ups) didn’t know these things happened regularly and -what’s more - really didn’t want to know. After getting kicked out of a third school, he learned to answer the question “what does your Daddy do?” with “he’s a doctor” rather than “he fights diabolical masterminds”. Since leaving home, he’d seen how surre-ally out-of-the-ordinary his childhood had been. No one ever said he was expected to take over his father’s practice, but Dad taught him about the Shade Legacy: how to summon shadows and travel the night-paths, how to touch people inside with tendrils of velvet black, how to use the get-up and the gadgets. Jamie was the only pupil in his class who botched his mock O Levels because he’d spent most of his revision time on the basics of flying an autogyro.

  Jamie thought Mum was pleased he was using the darkness in the band rather than on the streets. He was carrying on the Shade line, but in a different way. His father could drop through a skylight and make terror blossom in a dozen wicked souls; Jamie could float onto a tiny stage in a pokey venue and fill a dark room with a deeper shadow that enveloped audiences and seeped into their hearts. When Jamie sang about long, dreadful nights, a certain type of teenager knew he was singing about them. Because of Transhumance, they knew - if only for the forty-five minutes of the set - that they weren’t alone, that they had friends and lovers in the dark, that tiny pinpoints of starlight were worth striving for. They were kids who only liked purple lollipops because of the colour they stained their lips, wore swathes of black even in this baking summer, would drink vinegar and lie in a bath of ice cubes to be as pale as Gene, lit their squats with black candles bought in head shops, and read thick paperback novels “from the vampire’s point of view”. Teenagers like Vron - who, come to think of it, he was supposed to be seeing this evening. If the world survived the week, she’d make him pay for standing her up.

  Gene had found Vron’s dog-eared Interview with the Vampire under a cushion in the back of the van, and was performing dramatic passages. Read out with a trace of (sexy) French accent, it sounded sillier than it did when Vron quoted bits of Anne Rice’s “philosophy” at him. Vron wrote Transhumance’s lyrics, and everyone said - not to her face - the lyrics needed more work. Bongo said, “You can’t rhyme ‘caverns of despair’ with ‘kicking o’er a chair’ and expect folk not to laugh their kecks off.” About the only thing the band could agree on was that they didn’t want to be funny.

  So what was he doing on the road? In a van with four weird strangers - weird, even by his standards.

  Gatherings of disparate talents like this little lot were unusual. Fred had said they needed “everybody”. Jamie wondered how far down the list the likes of Sewell Head came - though he knew enough not to underestimate anyone. According to Gene, the Diogenes Club was calling this particular brouhaha “the Winter War”. That didn’t sound so bad. After the last few months, a little winter in July would be welcome.

  Beyond Yeovil, they came to a roadblock manned by squaddies who were turning other drivers away from a “military exercise” barrier. The van was waved out of the queue by a NCO and - with no explanation needed - the barrier lifted for them. A riot of envious hooting came from motorists who shut up as soon as a rifle or two was accidentally pointed in their direction. Even Gene kept mum once they were in bandit country - where they were the only moving thing.

  As they drove along eerily empty roads, Susan continued to relay Head’s directions. “Follow Tapmoor Road for two and a half miles, and turn right, drive half a mile, go through Sutton Mallet, then three miles on, to Alder - and we’re there.”

  Jamie spotted the signpost, which was almost smothered by the lower branches of a dying tree, and
took the Sutton Mallet turn-off. It should have been a short cut to Alder, the village where they were supposed to rendezvous with the rest of the draftees in the Winter War. The van ploughed to a halt in a four-foot-deep snowdrift.

  The temperature plunged - an oven became a fridge in seconds. Gooseflesh raised on Jamie’s bare arms. Keith and Sewell Head wrapped themselves in sleeping bags. Susan’s teeth chattered, interrupting her travel directions - which were academic anyway. The road was impassable.

  Only Gene didn’t instantly and obviously feel the cold.

  Jamie shifted gears, and reversed. Wheels spun, making a hideous grinding noise for half a minute or so, then the van freed itself from the grip of ice and backed out of the drift. A few yards away, and the temperature climbed again. They were all shocked quiet for a moment, then started talking at once.

  “Hush,” said Gene, who was elected Head Girl, “look.”

  The cold front was advancing, visibly - a frozen river. Hedges, half-dead from lack of rain, were swallowed by swells of ice and snow.

  They all got out of the van. It was as hot as it had been, though Jamie’s skin didn’t readjust. He still had gooseflesh.

  “It’ll be here soon and swallow us again,” said Keith.

  “At the current rate, in sixteen minutes forty-five seconds,” said Sewell Head.

  It wasn’t just a glacier creeping down a country lane, it was an entire wave advancing across the countryside. Jamie had no doubt Head knew his sums - in just over a quarter of an hour, an arctic climate would reach the road, and sweep around the van, stranding them.

  “We have to go ahead on foot,” said Gene. “It’s only a couple of miles down that lane.”

  “Three and a half,” corrected Head.

  “A walk in the park,” said Gene.

  “Thank you, Captain Scott,” said Susan. “We’re not exactly equipped.”

  “You were told to bring warm clothes.”

  “Naturally, I didn’t believe it,” said Susan. “We should have been shouted at.”

  Jamie hadn’t been told. He’d take that up with Fred and Vanessa.

  “Fifteen minutes,” said Head, unconcerned.

  “There’s gear in the back of the van,” said Jamie. “It’ll have to do.”

  “I’m fine as I am,” said Gene. “Happy in all weathers.”

  Jamie dug out one of his father’s black greatcoats for Susan. It hung long on her, edges trailing on the ground. Head kept the sleeping bag wrapped around him, and looked even more like a tramp. He must be glad he came out with his scarf and gloves. Keith found a black opera cloak with red-silk lining, and settled it around his shoulders.

  * * * *

  “Careful with that, Keith,” Jamie cautioned. “It was the Great Edmondo’s. There are hidden pockets. You might find a dead canary or two.”

  Jamie pulled on a ragged black-dyed pullover and gauntlets. He fetched out a hold-all with some useful items from the Legacy, and -as an afterthought - slung the Shade goggles around his neck and put on one of his Dad’s wide-brimmed black slouch hats.

  “Natty,” commented Gene. “It’s the Return of Dr Shade!”

  “Sod off, Frenchy,” he said, smiling.

  “Burgundina, remember?”

  The cold front was nearly at the mouth of the lane, crawling up around the signpost. He rolled up the van windows, and locked the doors.

  Gene climbed onto the snowdrift, and stamped on the powder. It was packed enough to support her. Bare-legged and -armed, she still looked comfortable amid the frozen wastes. She held out a hand and helped haul Susan up beside her. Even in the coat, Susan began shivering. Her nose reddened. She hugged herself, sliding hands into loose sleeves like a mandarin.

  “Come on up, lads, the water’s 1-lovely,” she said.

  Jamie, Keith and Head managed, with helping hands and a certain amount of swearing, to clamber up beside the girls.

  Ahead was a snowscape - thickly carpeted white, trees weighed down by ice, a few roofs poking up where cottages were trapped. Snow wasn’t falling, but was whipped up from the ground by cold winds and swirled viciously. Jamie put on his goggles, protecting his eyes from the spits of snow. The flakes were like a million tiny fragments of ice shrapnel.

  Gene pointed across the frozen moor, at a tower.

  “That’s Sutton Mallet chapel. And, see, beyond that, where the hill rises. that’s Alder.”

  It ought to have been an hour’s stroll. Very pleasant, if you liked walking in the country. Which Jamie didn’t, much. Now, it seemed horribly like a Death March.

  Susan, he noticed, stopped shivering and chattering. She was padding, carefully across the powder, leaving deep footprints.

  Gene applauded. “Now that’s thinking,” she said.

  Jamie didn’t know what she meant.

  “She’s a pyrokinetic, remember?” explained Gene. “That’s not just setting fire to things with your mind. It’s control over temperature. She’s made her own cocoon of warmth, inside her coat. Look, she’s steaming.”

  * * * *

  Susan turned, smiling wide. Hot fog rose from her shoulders, and snowflakes hissed when they got near her as if falling onto a griddle.

  “Are my ears burning?” she asked.

  “Never mind your ears,” said Keith. “What about everything else?”

  Susan’s footprints were shallow puddles, which froze a few seconds after she had made them.

  “I’m not a proper pyro,” she said. “I don’t set fires. I just have a thing with warmth. Saves on coins for the meter. Otherwise, it’s useless - like wiggling your ears. It takes me an hour to boil enough water for a cup of tea, and by then I’m so fagged out I have to lie down and it’s cold again when I wake up. That’s the trouble with most of my so-called Talents. Party pieces, but little else. I mean, who needs a drawer full of bent spoons?”

  “I think it’s amazing,” commented Keith. “Mind over matter. You could be on the telly. Or fight crime.”

  “I’ll leave that to the professionals, like Jamie’s Dad. You’re not seeing me in a union jack bikini and one of those eye-masks which aren’t really disguises.”

  “You’d be surprised how well those masks work,” said Jamie. “When she was Kentish Glory, Mum wore this moth-wing domino. Even people she knew really well didn’t clock it was her.”

  “I like a quiet life,” said Susan. “So, enough about me being a freak. Gene, what’s your secret?”

  The blonde shrugged, teasing. “Diet and lots of sleep.”

  “Come on, slowcoaches,” said Susan, who was getting the hang of it. “Last one there’s a rotten.”

  The snow collapsed under her and she sank waist deep, coat-skirts spreading out around her.

  “Shit,” she said. “Pardon my Burgundian.”

  “Didn’t Gene say you could levitate?” said Keith, going to help her.

  “She’s not the one who knows everything,” said Susan. “That was only once, and I was six. I’ve put on weight since then.”

  Keith took her hands - “she’s all warm!” - and hauled her out of her hole.

  “Abracadabra,” he said, flapping the cloak.

  “It doesn’t do to get overconfident,” cautioned Gene.

  Susan made a rude gesture behind the other girl’s back.

  Jamie felt something. Deeper than the cold. He looked around. The whirling blizzard was thickening. And something was different.

  “Hey, gang,” he said. “Who made the snowmen?”

  * * * *

  VII

  “I know the Cold is spreading,” Catriona Kaye told Derek Leech. “It’s here, in Alder. We’re three miles from you. Now put Richard on, would you?”

  In the Manor House, the telephone was on a stand near the front door. She had to leave her guests in the drawing room to take Leech’s call. The hallway was still cluttered from Edwin’s days as Lord of this Manor: hats and umbrellas (and Charles Beauregard’s old sword-stick) in a hideous Victorian stand, coats on ho
oks (she liked to use Edwin’s flying jacket - still smelling of tobacco and motor-oil - for gardening), framed playbills from the 1920s, shotguns (and less commonplace armaments) in a locked case. Since Edwin’s death, she’d tidied away or passed on most of his things, but here she let his ghost linger. Upstairs, on the landing, his shadow was etched permanently into the floorboards. After a lifetime in service to the Diogenes Club, it was all he had for a grave. She supposed she should throw a carpet over it or something.

  As she waited for Leech to pass the phone to Richard, Catriona caught sight of herself in the tall, thin art deco mirror from the Bloomsbury flat she had shared with Edwin. At a glance, she was the girl she recognized - she had the same silhouette as she had in her, and the century’s, twenties. If she looked for more than a few seconds, she saw her bobbed hair was ash-grey, and even that was dyed. Her wrists and neck were unmistakably a seventy-six-year-old’s. Once, certain Valued Members had been grumpily set against even admitting her to the building in Pall Mall, never mind putting her on the rolls. Now, she was practically all that was left of the Diogenes Club as Mycroft Holmes would have recognized it. Even in the Secret World, things were changing.