To Dr Cartwright, A Daughter

by Meredith Webber

  Pain surfed along her nerves. It was the daredevil in Jake which had appealed to her, for she had felt the same rash determination. Only in her case it was directed towards achievement in her work—an achievement that had come too easily to Jake to provide the challenges he needed.

  'I might have criticised you for it, but it was probably the one quality that saved your life,' she argued, remembering his early unconscious state, the severity of his blood loss, kidney damage—the list had gone on and on. 'Sheer bloody-mindedness would have goaded you to prove all the medical experts wrong.'

  He chuckled at her words.

  'You may be right,' he agreed. 'Although at times I wondered if the fight was worth it.'

  'Of course it was!' She leapt to reassure him, for a world without Jake—even a Jake who no longer loved her—would be inconceivable.

  He didn't seem to hear her. His eyes remained focused on the water and he shifted, a little uneasily, on the hard wooden seat. She remembered that suggestion of a hesitation in his stride and wondered if his hip still pained him.

  'Of course it was!' he echoed, breaking into her thoughts of his mangled hip. 'But it took a long time and then I had to find a job—I hadn't completed my two years' residency, so the powers-that-be decreed I should start the second year again. By the time I finished I knew I wanted to specialise in Obstetrics and Gynaecology. That took another two years, and then I had a stint overseas for twelve months.'

  The night wrapped them in a velvety cloak of grey. Along the path, puddles of yellow light lay like patterns in the soft material. The water lapped against the shore, caressing the shelving sand. Katy absorbed the sights and sounds unconsciously, taking in the water's voice as a kind of counterpoint to Jake's story and listening to it in the silences that fell between his words.

  'I came back to a position at a hospital in Perth and did well there. I was doing some teaching, taking students for seminars, becoming involved with an IVF programme...'

  Somewhere in the park a curlew cried, its mournful note echoing a kind of loneliness she sensed in Jake's words. She steeled her heart against a stabbing wedge of pity.

  Feel sorry for Jake Cartwright?

  Never!

  'Well, what happened next?' she asked briskly, as if his recitation had been simply a statement of facts to her. 'Did Perth disappoint you? Was the triumphal return to the old home town not quite what the prodigal expected?'

  She stood up so he wouldn't sense her agitation and began to walk slowly down the path. For some reason she couldn't bear to think of her carefree, laughing Jake unhappy. He caught up with her and walked beside her, not touching her, until they reached the place where two swans slept, like folded white towels left by the edge of the lake.

  If he mentions the swans I'll scream, Katy decided. Enough is enough with this delving into the past!

  But he didn't mention the swans.

  'Nothing was as I expected, Katy,' he said quietly. 'Or everything and nothing.'

  He paused, but she was beyond conversation. The shock of seeing him again, and the continued pressure of his presence throughout the day, had left her feeling quite exhausted. She needed to regroup—to regather the energy she needed to deal with another thirty-nine days of Jake.

  She strode ahead, taking the path that cut back towards the end of her street. It led through an avenue of spreading poincianas, their canopies knitted together to blot out the night sky.

  'I hope you don't walk home this way after dark,' he said, and his voice had a gravelly sound which scraped along her nerves.

  'I rarely walk home after dark,' she said, deliberately distancing himself from his concern. When they regained the road she pointed across it. 'My place is there—the second house along that street. I'll be quite all right from here.'

  Her voice was tight with the strain of speaking normally. She wanted to run away, or shout at him to leave her alone—and she certainly didn't want him intruding into her home, didn't want images of his presence left behind like forgotten socks when he walked out of her life again.

  She also couldn't risk his seeing the evidence of Julia's existence—the scattered toys, the doll's house they were building out of Lego blocks.

  He must have sensed her reluctance, for he paused, then drew her back into the shadow of the trees and turned her so she faced him. In the dim light his face was unreadable, yet she knew his tension was as great as hers. It crashed against her in the darkness, invisible waves pounding on her skin.

  'I rebuilt my life from almost nothing, Katy,' he continued, as if there'd been no pause, no conversational shift. 'Bit by bit I put myself back together again— learning first to stand and then to walk again. I retrained my head to read and absorb what it was reading, to think medically and retain knowledge. I worked hard at it and I succeeded, achieving top marks in my specialty exams. I was invited to join hospital staffs, to teach, to be involved in projects. It became a busy life—frenetic, professionally fulfilling—yet as empty as a school during holiday time. The buildings are still there, but there's a desolation about such places...'

  She felt his anguish as a burning in her chest, but she shied away from hearing more. She moved, but his hand tightened on her arm.

  'Six months ago I began to wonder if it wasn't what I'd won that was bothering me but what I'd lost.'

  He leaned forward and pressed a kiss on her forehead. It was as chaste as a child's shy salute, yet it burnt into Katy's skin like a red-hot cattle brand.

  Her heart was beating so erratically she could barely breathe, yet she couldn't contain the anger that fizzed and bubbled in her blood.

  'You broke off our relationship, Jake!' she retorted scornfully. 'You told me it was over, finished, gone and done for—you told me you'd known that for some time, even before the accident. You refused to see me, you returned my letters unopened, you offered me no apology or explanation, just, "It's over, Katy". And now you've got the hide to breeze back into my life and talk about emptiness.'

  She resisted an urge to stamp her foot. Instead, she dragged fresh air into her lungs and continued, 'Well, let me tell you this, Jake Cartwright. I know all about emptiness. In fact, I'm an expert on it. And it won't kill you! You can learn to live with it—you can even learn to hide it from yourself.'

  'So you don't feel the same? You've found happiness with someone else?'

  His voice seemed to be coming from a long way off, but Katy knew it was the echo of her anger roaring in her ears that distanced it. She considered lying, but truth was too important to her.

  'I've found a life I enjoy, work I love and contentment, Jake. I was never the risk-taker you were,' she said. 'And that hasn't changed.'

  'So, going out with me again, even on an "old friends" basis, would be a risk?' he challenged, his voice full of teasing laughter, as if all his doubts had suddenly been banished.

  She tried to work out what she'd said to change his mood, but couldn't find an answer. The temptation to say yes was so strong she felt her lips moving. Then she remembered Julia.

  Seeing Jake again had made her realise just how deeply she still cared for him—and that she always would. She knew exactly what he meant about that sense of emptiness, for there was a part of her which would never be complete without him.

  But he had said he loved her once before and turned away from her; there was no guarantee he wouldn't do it again. If she'd had only herself to consider, she'd have walked back into his arms—and probably into his bed—and suffered the consequences later. But there was no way in the world she'd risk that happening to Julia, risk her suffering the devastation of loss which was still so vivid in her own mind.

  'It would be a disaster, Jake,' she said firmly. 'Believe me!'

  'Perhaps,' he said, 'but couldn't we at least find out.'

  'Find out I still love you, but that you don't love me?' she demanded, irony icing her voice. 'That would be fun! However, perhaps this time I'll decline. I'll stick to poking my fingers in electric light so
ckets for my thrills.'

  'I had my reasons, Katy,' he said, so quietly she almost missed the words. Or wished she had!

  'I've got to go,' she said, ignoring the implied explanation she doubted he was going to give.

  He nodded then, and stepped out of the shadows.

  'I'll watch you home from here.' He seemed to sense her reluctance to let him encroach any further into her life. 'See you tomorrow.'

  And now she, who'd been desperate to get away, found it difficult to move, so he had to half turn her and press his hand against her shoulder when the road was clear and she could safely cross.

  She let the touch propel her forward, taking one step at a time with a mechanical efficiency—increasing the physical distance between herself and her Nemesis, but unable to shut out his emotional presence.

  There'd been confusion and uncertainty lurking behind his strange confession, and those two characteristics were so foreign to the Jake she'd known it hurt her to think about them.

  And why did it hurt her? The question popped into her head as she unlocked her front door.

  She slipped into the sanctuary of her home but did not turn on a light. Instead, she leaned against the door, trying to shut out both the present and the past.

  Because she still loved him!

  Her heart hammered out the answer, then quivered with fear. At least, she hoped it was fear!

  She called in at the crèche to see Julia before work, spending half an hour with her daughter before making her way reluctantly upstairs. If the new unit project was approved, she would have an enormous amount of work to do organising it and setting up the programmes she wanted put in place. The two months would be over before she caught breath.

  She sighed deeply, only realising it had also been noisy when her fellow passengers in the elevator swivelled their heads to stare at her. The doors opened on Four and she hurried out. The new unit had assumed even more importance now. It would give her a focus, divert her thoughts away from Jake and keep her so busy her body would be too tired to be seduced by his presence.

  Her reluctance to face him became impatience. If he was in the office, she'd stress the importance of the project once again.

  'We've managed to group five Asian patients together in 'C',' Rosa Williams, the sister in charge of Ward 'C' announced as she caught Katy's arm and halted her headlong rush along the corridor. She led Katy towards the ward.

  'They're a bit of a mix—one Cambodian, your Vietnamese friend, a young woman who came over as "a student from Malaysia, another Vietnamese woman who's just had her third baby here and an older Chinese woman from Hong Kong.'

  Katy smiled as she imagined the diversity of culture and custom in the small group. She followed Rosa into the ward and spoke to the patients, pleased to see that the grouping appeared to be working . All the women were either cradling their babies or had them sleeping in cribs beside them. Not wanting to be separated from their child was another characteristic of the Asian mother.

  She greeted them in Chinese and heard the shy replies in a mixture of languages, then the chatter continued. Katy was delighted by the interaction between the women. Although she had no doubt the Chinese woman spoke perfect English, and was obviously wealthy, she was deferring to the older Vietnamese mother, calling her 'younger aunt' as a sign of respect for her experience.

  'My mother has been writing to tell me things I should do after the baby is born,' she told Katy, 'but I did not understand why she was so insistent until Auntie explained. What do you think?'

  Katy turned the question over to Rosa, but before she could reply a male voice answered.

  'I think you must do whatever makes you comfortable.'

  Katy knew he was drawing closer, awareness plucking at her skin. She was wrong! No matter how much work she had to do—no matter how busy she kept herself— the two months wouldn't be over before she caught her breath. In fact, the way she was reacting to his reappearance in her life, she doubted she'd ever breathe normally again.

  'We Western doctors are using more and more techniques from other cultures, particularly ancient Chinese teachings,' Jake continued. 'On a recent visit to Beijing, I saw a Caesarean operation performed on a patient anaesthetised by acupuncture. I'm not saying I'd offer that option to all my patients, but we must work towards providing what is best for each individual.'

  The woman from Hong Kong smiled openly at him, but the other women rearranged their bedclothes and lowered their eyes demurely.

  It might be their custom, Katy thought, but it was also very effective flirting in a way. Even she could see the appeal of this bashfulness—and she wasn't a male!

  'This is Dr Cartwright.'

  Rosa introduced Jake and prepared to lead him around the ward. Katy ducked away, pleased the office would be empty and she could restore order to her too-responsive body before he returned.

  Which was five minutes before the ward meeting was to begin!

  Perhaps he was avoiding her as assiduously as she would like to avoid him. He breezed into the room with a bright good morning, and proceeded to drag his chair across towards the little coffee table.

  'So, Katy.' She turned as he dropped a pile of files onto the table. He looked up and smiled at her, and she knew it was probably just a 'friendly co-worker' kind of smile. It was her reaction to it that was the problem. 'You seem to have the ward staff convinced the new unit is a good idea. What's the procedure if this meeting formally endorses it?'

  Echoes of the previous night's strange conversation blotted out her mind for a moment, so when he walked back towards her, she stiffened warily.

  'It's up to you to convince the people up top,' she told him. He moved closer, increasing the tension in her body until she jerked away when he touched her arm.

  'I need your chair,' he said mildly, but his eyes were laughing down at her as if he knew exactly why she'd reacted as she had.

  Hot with embarrassment, she stood up and moved aside, trying to steady the wild beating of her heart.

  'Still prefer power points?' he murmured softly, then he stooped and picked up her chair, carrying it across the room to add it to the informal grouping.

  She ignored the jibe, staring out of the window to a view hazed by her inward-looking eyes. He was doing this deliberately, she realised. Taunting her with words and touches—as if he needed to prove his power over her.

  But why? Was it really to fill the emptiness he claimed he felt—and, if so, for how long would he want her this time? Was it one more challenge for the man who loved a challenge? Or did he simply want to prove the old sex-appeal still worked? Would winning her back—against whatever odds he might perceive—overcome some lingering uncertainty the accident had left in his psyche?

  She shook her head, annoyed with her attempts to analyse the man when she should be ignoring him. And even more disturbed by the tiny pinprick light of hope which kept flashing in the darkness of her soul.

  What if—?

  She slammed the thought away. Surely she'd learnt her lesson where Jake was concerned! She was damned if she'd be used as part of his healing process. And there was Julia, remember...

  'So I take it to the top?'

  She spun around, frowning as she tried to remember what they'd been talking about—before power points!

  'Do you think I'm the man for the job?' he asked. 'Do you think my charm will win the day?'

  She knew he was supposedly discussing approval for the new unit, but his intonation underlined another meaning in the words, and the half-smile twitching at his lips sent her heart skittering into the uneven rhythm of a syncopated jazz phrase.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Katy was saved from answering by a quiet tap on the door. It opened to admit Helen and Rosa, followed by Ron Spencer and a young woman intern who was doing her O and G term.

  'This the lot?' Jake asked.

  'Jenny Parish, or someone else from Ward 'A', is still to come,' Helen replied, and then turned as Jenny entered the room. />
  'I'll get another chair,' Ron offered. 'Seems everyone's turned up to give the new boss the once-over.'

  'New temporary boss,' Katy corrected under her breath.

  She knew Jake heard the remark, for he winked at her, then, when Ron returned, he waved his hand towards her.

  'Katy tells me she could run this office without me, so perhaps I should let her handle the meeting.'

  She scowled at him, but produced her agenda and flipped quickly through the early items which were general issues, like rearrangement of schedules with Ward 'A' closed and procedures for dealing with the extra patients in 'B' and 'C'.

  When they reached the final item, she asked if anyone had other business to bring up before they discussed the new unit.

  'The birthing suites are so popular, I wondered if we might be able to squeeze another one into Ward 'A' if the new unit is established,' Jenny suggested.

  Katy watched the pretty nursing sister turn the full force of her charm on Jake and felt a tiny worm of jealousy squirm in her stomach. But Jenny was right. The suites were large rooms furnished to look like fashionable bedrooms. All the paraphernalia of childbirth was hidden away in cupboards behind polished timber doors. The suites were big enough to allow a number of friends or family members to be present at the birth and gave the patient room to move around in the privacy of the suite.

  Jenny explained this to Jake and then continued, 'The patient surveys for the last twelve months show six as the maximum number of Asian mothers we've had at one time. Even allowing for an increase once word gets around that we're making a special effort for these women, an eight-bed unit will probably suffice.'

  Katy sat quietly. She couldn't argue with that prediction, but she did wonder why Jenny had to swing her shiny dark hair about so much when she was speaking.

  'How were the birthing suites set up in the first place?' Jake asked.

  'By pinching space from somewhere else,' Helen told him. 'We converted two old labour rooms and closed down one ward to make three suites. It was done about two years ago.'