This Time Forever

by Linda Swift

  Nathan nodded, then smiled at Angeline as she sat down in the empty chair beside him.

  "Nathan," she hesitated a moment before she went on, "there is something I must tell you."

  "All right." He looked at her expectantly and waited what seemed a very long time for her to go on.

  "I have given this a lot of thought, and I wish to be released from our engagement."

  Nathan sat for a moment, face impassive, then nodded. "I have been expecting this, I think. It is only natural that you would feel—"

  "No, Nathan, it isn't—"

  He held up a hand to stop her. "Allow me to finish, Angeline. I am painfully aware that your feeling for me has changed. And you're not to blame for that. I'm not blind to how I must appear in your eyes—"

  "Please, Nathan, that is not the reason—" She stopped and put a hand to her mouth, looking dismayed.

  "Then what have I done to make you shun me so?" Nathan asked with genuine puzzlement.

  "Nothing, it's nothing you have done," she said sadly.

  "Angeline, this is not making any sense. If it's not my disfigurement or my behavior, then what has caused you to stop caring for me? Do you think that because of my loss of a leg that I can never be a true husband to you?"

  She blushed furiously as she shook her head in denial. "No, that thought has never entered my mind."

  "Then what? Tell me, Angeline?"

  "It's—it's—oh, Nathan, must I?"

  "Yes, my dear Angeline, you really must. I have a right to know."

  Looking at him with compassion, she solemnly agreed. "Yes, you do, Nathan. But telling is so hard." She took a deep breath, then went on. "You see, while you were away, Whitehaven was hospital to many wounded men. And one of them, well, we got to know each other and—and care for each other."

  "Ah, so that's it." Nathan closed his eyes a moment, then looked at her intently. "And where is this man now?"

  "He—he's fighting down in Georgia."

  "I see."

  "I never meant it to happen, Nathan, you must believe that. But I was so young when you left. And in these years of your absence, I have seen so much suffering and death. I became a woman while you were gone, Nathan, and I fell in love."

  "And what about the love you felt for me?"

  "I still love you, Nathan, but not in the way a woman should love the man she marries. I never even knew about that kind of love when I agreed to marry you."

  "And does this soldier love you the way a man should love a woman?"

  "Oh, yes." A knowing smile lit up her face.

  "And will you become his wife, now that you are free to do so?"

  "He wants me to, when the war is over, if he survives it."

  Nathan lifted an eyebrow. "Yes, there's that."

  "And he is quite ill this very minute. With typhoid fever. In a field hospital in Marietta." She twisted her hands in her lap as she spoke. "Major Burke just brought me word of him. And so I'm going to Georgia to nurse him. I'll be leaving with the major after your surgery is done."

  Nathan looked puzzled. "But how can Major Burke take you to the Confederate lines? It won't be safe for you to go there alone."

  "Devon is—is fighting for the Union."

  Nathan sat for a moment, head bowed, then raised his stricken face to look at the woman he loved. "This is the final blow, Angeline. Surely, God can cause me no worse pain than this."

  "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I never meant to hurt you, Nathan. Nor did God, I don't think."

  "Then I pity the man who receives His wrath," Nathan said with bitter irony.

  Angeline stood. "Please forgive me, Nathan. I can't bear to think you hate me."

  He shook his head. "No, I don't hate you, my darling Angeline. Would that I did. It would be so much easier. But you were right to tell me. And I wish you happiness. And I shall pray for your safety and for your Devon's recovery."

  Bending to kiss his cheek, Angeline hurried inside before her tears overwhelmed her. And Nathan, sitting in the sultry air of the Southern afternoon, wiped away his own tears after she was gone.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Chattanooga, August 1864

  Not a breeze stirred the sultry air of the room where Nathan lay desolately watching as Mary Jane changed his bandages.

  "When the major returns, he will take your stitches out," Mary Jane said as she finished, "and then you'll be able to see what a fine job he did."

  "What does it matter?" he asked without interest. "Looks don't make a man."

  "That's true, Nathan," she readily agreed, "and I don't care a fig what you look like because I know you have a kind, brave heart, but everyone doesn't know you as I do, and so your appearance will be important when you go out in society."

  "Was this Devon handsome?" he asked suddenly.

  Taken aback, she stammered an answer. "I—I never saw him."

  "Where was he from? What kind of family did he have?"

  "I know nothing of him, Nathan. Angeline never spoke of him to me." She gathered the soiled bandages and stood. "I think Clarissa is the one to ask."

  "I just don't understand why—before she even knew that I would come back less than the man I was."

  "Oh, Nathan, you're not less a man than you were. I think this happened because all of us were mere children when the war began and what we've endured has changed the way we are."

  "You didn't betray Talmage." Nathan looked at her with approval.

  "It isn't fair to compare Angeline with me that way." She shook her head. "I wasn't here nursing the soldiers. There were no young men at Fleur-de-Lis, only women and children."

  "Just the same," he studied her intently, "Talmage was a very fortunate man."

  Blushing, she backed away. "I'd better see to the mail. The men are always more content when they hear from home."

  Mary Jane was sorting letters when Clarissa came downstairs with Polly and the children. The two women said good morning, and then Clarissa added, "Luke is finished with Father Wakefield's bath, so I'll tend the soldiers' dressings if you are ready to help Luke walk him."

  "I've taken care of Nathan's bandages already." She didn't see Clarissa's speculative gaze as she concentrated on the envelope she held. "This one is for Major Burke. I wonder if he'll be coming back today?"

  "I don't expect him quite this soon." Clarissa moved forward. "I'll keep that for him." She took the letter and recognized the name of Katherine Kingsley, the woman whom he had once intended to marry.

  "I'll feel safer when the major's back. There's no one able to defend us in case of raiders with him gone."

  "Don't be afraid, Mary Jane. I've got the repeating rifle he kept in his room and he showed me how to use it if there's trouble. But I think the Union raiders are all likely in Georgia with Sherman's armies, if reports are true."

  "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you; Mister Wakefield took a step alone yesterday."

  "That's wonderful news. I'm sure he'll walk again before long with your good nursing. And this morning, he was able to grasp Luke's arm with his paralyzed hand." She sighed. "If only his mind...well, maybe that will improve, too." She kissed the child in Polly's arms, then bent to embrace Robert. "Now run along and enjoy your play, darling. I'll join you all later."

  "Could we have a picnic, Mama?" Robert asked.

  "I'll see if I can get Harriet to fix us something," she promised.

  Robert smiled happily. "Come on, Polly. I want to watch for the major. He said he'd come back soon, and I want to tell him I learned to count to twenty."

  Looking thoughtful, Clarissa stood in the hallway for a moment after the others left. Robert loved Philip Burke, and Elliot seemed fond of him, too. And Philip was kind and affectionate with her sons. Now with their own father and uncle dead, and their grandfather disabled, there would be no one at Whitehaven to teach them the ways of men.

  And what of herself? One day soon Florence Wakefield would surely return as mistress of Whitehaven. And Angeline would be gone wi
th Devon O'Conner...if he lived. The thought of staying on here with her disapproving mother-in-law and invalid father-in-law as her sons grew up seemed depressing beyond endurance. If Malcolm had not died, or Josiah Wakefield had not suffered a stroke, she would have been bound to this place, but circumstances had changed. Now she was free to leave. The only question was, should she follow her heart and go with Philip Burke wherever he led her, or should she make a life for herself and her sons alone?

  She looked at the letter again. Perhaps Katherine Kingsley was writing to say she still loved him and wanted him back. And perhaps he would go to her when the war ended. The thought was almost too painful to bear. Philip loved her. He had told her so. And he had asked her to be his wife. If she agreed to marry him, they would belong to each other completely, and no one could come between them.

  Tucking the letter into her skirt pocket, Clarissa went in to tend the soldiers. She would have to make a decision soon, because Philip would be returning any day for her answer.

  • ♥ •

  Clarissa sat alone on the dark veranda, savoring the cool air that brought relief from the sweltering heat of the day. In her loose dressing gown with her hair falling about her shoulders she enjoyed a sense of freedom the day did not afford.

  The occupants of the house were sleeping, and only the sounds of cicadas broke the silence that surrounded her. She thought of her sister and felt a deep concern for Angeline's safety. Not only was there danger in being so near the battle, but there was a very real possibility that anyone nursing those with contagious diseases such as Devon's might also become infected and die. But she had to trust that the almighty power that had seen them both through this far would continue to ward off misfortune.

  Knowing she must soon give Philip her answer, she tried to think rationally about the future. With her father and Lawton gone, Mimosa Manor belonged to Angeline and her. But without money and slaves to operate it, they could never hope to make it a home. Even the Wakefield fortune was depleted, and would be more so if the South lost the war, as now seemed its destiny.

  Philip had told her that he had money, but she would not let that influence her decision. She had married one man for financial security, and it had been the biggest mistake of her young life. She was older now, and also wiser. This time she would marry for love or not at all. And she did love Philip with all her heart. But she was a widow in mourning and no decent woman married again two months after her husband's death, even in wartime. Don't let the dictates of society stand between us, Philip had cautioned her. Listen to your heart. Philip was going into a place fraught with danger. He might not come back. Surely, he deserved whatever happiness she could give him in the time that was left. Was she going to allow her guilt over Malcolm's death destroy her chance for future happiness? She took a deep breath and sat up straighter. No, for once, she was going to do what her heart told her, conscience and society be damned!

  A sound at the gate startled her, and she rose quickly to go inside, but a familiar voice stopped her.

  "Clarissa, it's Philip."

  A wave of happiness washed over her as footsteps approached in the darkness. "How did you know it was I?" she asked softly.

  "I could see the halo of your hair against the lamplight from the hallway," he told her as he came to stand directly in front of her. He reached out to touch the silken tresses, and her heart fluttered erratically.

  "I'm glad you're safely back. And my sister?"

  "I left her comfortably installed in a farm woman's house. It was to Angeline's advantage that she is a daughter of the Confederacy, too. She sends her love, and tells you not to worry."

  "And Devon?"

  "Devon is very ill, but I think he'll make it. The Irish are known for their fighting spirit, you know."

  "Let's hope he also has their luck."

  "How is Nathan Forsythe?"

  "There have been no complications. I think the stitches have healed enough to be removed. It's only his broken heart that isn't healing."

  "Given enough time, that will heal, too. And the others, are they all right?"

  "Yes, even Father Wakefield has shown improvement since you left."

  "And what of you, Clarissa?" He placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her toward him so that her face was faintly illumined by the lamp behind them. "Have you missed me as I have missed you?"

  "I have missed you every moment I've been awake and dreamed of you as I slept."

  He pulled her to him in a fierce embrace and held her as their hearts pounded in unison like distant battlefield drums. With one hand he lifted her chin and softly touched her lips with his, then said against her ear, "And have you thought about what I asked you before I left, Clarissa?"

  "Yes, Philip."

  "Then you are ready to give me your answer?"

  "I just did."

  "You—" It was a moment before her meaning registered in his mind. Then he took her face in both hands and kissed her as if she were some rare and precious thing he feared was so fragile it might break. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he whispered like a gentle caress as he covered her face and hair and throat with butterfly kisses.

  She wrapped her arms around his neck and he wove his hand in her silken hair and pressed her against the wall, claiming her mouth in a deep kiss. Finally, he pulled away and asked in an uneven voice, "Will you marry me now?"

  "If we may do so in secret, Philip," she answered. "Even as much as I love you, I must think of my sons."

  "It will be any way you want it, my darling, just as long as you're mine."

  "I have always been yours, Philip, from the moment I first saw you," she told him softly.

  "Ah, Clarissa, you are only on the threshold of being mine. Heaven waits on the other side of our vows, whether they be private or public. I'll make the arrangements in the morning, and we'll be together as man and wife tomorrow…for that is all we have for now."

  They embraced again, clinging together with longing and anticipation, then reluctantly pulled apart and went inside. At the top of the stairway, Clarissa suddenly remembered the letter.

  "Oh, I almost forgot." She pulled the envelope from her skirt pocket. "This came for you today."

  Philip took the letter, his expression registering surprise as he recognized the handwriting. "Thank you." He bent to brush her lips with another gentle kiss. "Good night, my love."

  Clarissa watched him walk to his room and close the door. She wondered what news his unexpected letter contained. And if after reading it, he would regret asking her to marry him. She wished she could know what Katherine Kingsley was like. She imagined the woman to be beautiful and rich and talented and her imagination did not comfort her. She felt the stirring of jealousy and reminded herself that Philip had chosen her instead, and that was all that mattered. She willed herself not to think of his leaving, for it would only bring sorrow instead of happiness in the time they had left together.

  • ♥ •

  Philip lighted the lamp beside his bed, then stood looking at the letter in his hand for a long moment. Why would Katherine be writing to him unless something had happened to a member of his family? And even then, why would she be the one to tell him? He tore open the envelope and began to read.

  Oswego, New York

  August 1, 1864

  My dear Philip,

  I am sure you will be hearing this from other members of your family but I wanted to be the first to tell you the news. As you know I have been caring for my sister's baby since she was born. And what a precious little girl our Elizabeth is. Thomas adores her as much as I, but he is able to spend little time with her because of the heavy production schedule at the iron works and the fact that she lives with my parents and me.

  A child needs a mother and father, and Elizabeth has been deprived of both since her birth. In order to give her the parents she deserves, Thomas has asked me to marry him, and I have agreed. This does not dishonor the memory of Dorothea as we both want what is best f
or her child. And Philip, I want you to know that this does not change the love I will always feel for you. But I have now accepted the fact that you do not return that love. I will be a good wife to Thomas and a good mother to Elizabeth, and that will be enough. I shall never speak of this again, but I want you to know that you will always be welcome in our house.

  Even though it has not been a year since my sister's death, Thomas and I have decided to be married within the month due to his desire to make a home for his daughter. I hope that you will wish us well.

  I pray for your good health and safety and for the end of this terrible war.

  Very truly yours,

  Katherine Kingsley

  Philip put down the letter, lit his pipe, and walked to the window. Staring into the darkness, he thought about Katherine's words. She loved him still, yet she was doing the right thing for everyone by marrying his brother. Perhaps it was best for her, too, he mused. At least she would have a husband and a child, maybe children of her own. But now she would always be a member of the Burke family, he realized, and their lives would forever be linked.

  His family and their activities had come to seem unreal to him since he had been away so long. The only real thing now was Clarissa, and soon, he would be leaving her. But not before he made her his wife. He stood smoking, lost in fantasies of the woman whose body he longed to ravish until they both were sated. But he knew it would take a lifetime for that, and they would have only one night before his return to Georgia. That would have to be enough, for now.

  • ♥ •

  Clarissa went about her chores the following morning with a repressed feeling of excitement. Philip was back, and he had said he would arrange everything for their marriage. If only there was someone she could share her happiness with, but she was forced by propriety to keep silent.

  At Nathan’s cot, she paused and smiled. "This is the day you’ll get your stitches out. I’m sure Major Burke will be along soon."

  Nathan nodded with a noticeable lack of enthusiasm. "Clarissa, there’s something I need to ask you."