Unfinished

by Shae Scott

  I watched as Owen moved around my kitchen, stirring the batter for pancakes and frying up bacon. I watched as the well defined muscles of his back moved with each stroke of the spoon in his hand.

  “Smells good in here,” I commented, leaning against the bar and watching him. He looked good there, in my kitchen. It made my mind flicker to future possibilities. I quickly shook those dangerous thoughts away.

  He turned and smiled at me, giving me a wink. “You just wait. I make killer pancakes.”

  I pushed myself up so that I was sitting on the bar. I caught his eyes drift down to bare legs as they swung beneath me. The look made me tingle. I had come in here with a plan. We were going to talk about what had happened and be rational adults about the whole situation. But when he looked at me that way, my brain took hiatus and I was a gooey mess all over again.

  I watched him move about my kitchen with ease, flipping pancakes, pouring me coffee and setting bacon on a plate. He radiated ease and confidence and it was enjoyable to watch.

  I sipped my coffee as he finished preparing our breakfast. While his back was to me, I decided to take the chance and jump into this conversation that we were both avoiding. At least I was avoiding it; maybe he didn’t think there was a conversation to be had at all. He surely didn’t seem preoccupied with things the way I was.

  “So, do you think we should talk about things?” I asked. I hated that my voice sounded timid. I needed to control this conversation and my emotions.

  I saw him tense for a second and then slowly turn to face me. I could tell he was trying to read me for some sort of signal, but I was doing my best not to give him one. I needed to hear what he thought.

  He turned off the stove and gave me a nod as he leaned back against the counter to face me. “Okay. I guess we probably should talk about it,” he agreed.

  Neither of us made a move to speak. We were both testing out the waters. It made me laugh which in turn made Owen relax and smile. I loved his smile. The real one.

  “You first,” he challenged.

  Fine. If that is how he wanted to play it. I took a deep breath to steady myself. “Okay. Well, I had a really great time with you this weekend. I like spending time with you. I’ve missed you so much and having you here just reminded me of how important you are to me and how I don’t want you to walk out of my life again,” I said.

  “I feel the same way,” he said, crossing his arms across his chest. His demeanor was easy and it encouraged me to go on.

  “We have a lot of obstacles between us right now. You live seven hours away and you are working on your promotion. I have a really full plate right now and…well…there’s this whole arrangement that you have with Anna…” I let my voice trail off as he moved towards me, stopping in front of me. He moved my knees apart so he could stand between them, close. He put his hands on my thighs and locked me in place with his eyes.

  “It is complicated,” he agreed. “I wish I could deny the truth in your words, because this weekend has been so amazing and I don’t want to walk away from the way that I feel when I am here with you.” He reached up and stroked my cheek with his hand. “Being with you…it feels so right to me. More right than anything I’ve ever felt. But I know that I’m not in a place where I can give what it takes to make that work right now. I want to, but neither of us have lives that fit that right now,” he said.

  I felt a wave of tremendous disappointment roll through me. I knew he was right; it was what I had said. But to hear it from him proved to me that part of me wanted him to disagree and fight to change my mind. Part of me had been hoping for the fairytale.

  I managed a nod and tried to look away from him. The air between us suddenly felt too heavy. Owen lifted my chin and forced my gaze back to his. “It doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on us. It just means that I recognize that I have things to sort out and that I owe it to us to fix all of that before we move forward. I’m not willing to lose you, Ally. If I push this whole thing now, I know I’ll screw it up. I can’t let myself screw it up,” he said.

  “So what does that mean exactly? Do we just go back to being friends?” I asked. I wasn’t sure that I could do that, even if I knew it was the best thing for now. He was right. I didn’t want to rush into something that we couldn’t commit to fully. I knew it would only make me resent him.

  “I don’t think that we could ever go back to being just friends. I know too much about your body, to ever look at you as just a friend.” He ran his hands down my arms and smiled when I shivered. “I’m going to dream about you every single night. I’m going to replay each moment with you over and over until I can do it again. And just so you know, I plan on doing it all again.” His smile was full of promise and I flashed back to the night before and was suddenly feeling needy again.

  “So we wait for a better time?” I asked.

  “I think we have to. What do you think?” he asked.

  “Honestly, I agree. I mean, I had the same speech prepared. But now that we’ve agreed, I feel a bit bummed about it,” I said giving him a lighthearted laugh.

  “Good. I like to know that we are on the same page. I’m pretty damn bummed myself,” he laughed. “Because, what I really want to do is miss my flight and take you straight back to bed and spend hours making you scream my name.” His voice had taken on a husky tone and I felt a blush heat my cheeks.

  “That would definitely go against our agreement,” I said. It came out breathy and I didn’t miss the way his eyes began to blaze.

  “Eh, I suck at rules,” he said. I put my hand on his chest and pushed him back slightly. I needed some space or I’d let him take me back to bed.

  “Not a chance. You owe me breakfast.” I tried to make my voice stern, but I knew I wasn’t fooling him. He could hear the want there. Luckily, he took pity on me and stepped back.

  “Okay. You win. We’ll be good,” he smiled. He moved to get our plates and the syrup and I hopped down from my perch and joined him at the table.

  Our conversation took a turn towards easy as we ate our breakfast. I knew that we’d made the right call. It would be easier this way. As much as I hated the idea of going back to the friend zone, he was right. We owed it to any sort of future that we might have to wait and do this right way. I kept telling myself that it would be easier once he was back in Chicago. Having him in front of me like this made the idea of not touching him seem impossible. Distance would be our friend.

  An hour and a half later we were headed out the door. I was taking Owen to the airport and then heading off to work. I knew I’d have a pile of work waiting on me and was grateful for the distraction that it would provide.

  “Do you have everything?” I asked as we moved to the front door.

  “Nearly.” His voice came loud against my ear as he turned me and pressed me up against the door frame.

  “What are you doing?” I asked softly.

  “I just have one thing I need to say before I go,” he said, his gaze serious.

  “Okay.”

  “No matter what…I need you to remember that this whole weekend, you, everything…it’s important to me. You are important. I’m not going to walk away without you knowing that it means something,” he said.

  I smiled. Those words were like a healing balm across my heart. It made the fact that he was leaving easier.

  “Ditto,” I smiled. He gave me one of his killer Owen smiles and then took my face into his hands.

  “I’m going to kiss you…we can start this friends thing after I leave,” he said, daring me to tell him no. I never would.

  He leaned into me slowly and I braced myself for the reaction my body would have to him. His lips brushed against mine slowly before finally pressing against me. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me with a sweet deliciousness that left me feeling weak. He was in control of this kiss, and he was saying so much with it that it filled me with emotion. I wanted to freeze the moment and hang on to it. I wanted to remember every detail in case it was
the last one. Because, no matter what we said, it was very possible we’d never have this again.

  He moved back and rested his forehead against mine as we both gathered our emotions and tried to put them back into the little box that we’d decided to put them in.

  “Ready?” he asked softly. I managed a nod, not trusting myself to speak. He grabbed his suitcase, took my hand and we headed out to the car, ending our magical weekend and finding our way back to reality.

  Chapter Twenty

  The next month found Owen and I falling into our new routine. We were both busy with work, which granted us a much needed distraction. It helped me from obsessing twenty-four seven about everything. I was doing a good job at settling in to this new arrangement. We were friends. We still chatted daily and he still called me each night to catch up. But even though we were sticking to our roles, there was always something just under the surface.

  That’s not to say that we were perfect. Sometimes when we would talk late into the night he would tell me how much he missed touching me. I’d try to change the subject, but the truth was I wanted to hear him talk to me that way. I wanted to hear him describe how he would touch me if he were lying beside me. We’d drifted into dangerous territory a few times. It was too easy to do. The want was still there, even with distance and responsibility hanging between us.

  I knew I should be careful. I knew that I should guard my heart, but each day I spent talking with him I felt myself falling. My emotions were all over the place. I was falling hard for this man. Not just his handsome face, or the way he made me feel when he was touching me, but falling for the man that he was underneath it all. The man that he kept under wraps and hidden from most of the world. He was mine. No matter what he had going on in his everyday life, far away from me, I knew there was a secret part of him, the real Owen, that was mine alone. He’d let me in and I knew how special and unique that was.

  I tried hard to fight the questions that would find their way to me in quiet moments. That was when I was weakest, when I would begin to question whether or not I was digging myself a hole I wouldn’t be able to escape. There were the moments when I had to question whether I was a fool, falling for a set of lies. Maybe I was becoming the classic other woman. It was an endless circle of questions. Some days I thought I should just get some space from the whole situation. Maybe if I just stopped talking to him for awhile I could figure stuff out and it would all make sense. But then he would call and I would fall into that husky voice and he’d have me all over again.

  It was exhausting at times, but I couldn’t walk away. I was too afraid of what I’d be losing to worry enough about being a fool. We were friends, but even I knew that was a joke. I was waiting for him. I was in a constant state of waiting for tomorrow, for something to change. I was letting this back and forth be enough. It was consuming me, even though I tried like hell to convince everyone that it wasn’t. I loved it, even though I knew it was bad for me, and I hated it because I felt like I had no control over any of it. I was dancing a precarious line between truth and daydreams. The hardest days were the ones when I worried that I was dancing alone.

  “What are you doing this weekend?” It was Owen. It was Friday afternoon and once again I was feeling that weird tug in our relationship.

  “I’m not sure. I think I’ll go out with Cassie and some of the girls. Maybe have dinner and see where the night takes us.” I was still at work and sorting through some files before I headed home for the day.

  Owen was quiet on the end of the line for a moment before finally asking, “Just the girls? No hot date?”

  “Not tonight,” I said. We played this game nearly every weekend. Wanting to know if there were other people we should be worrying about, but not wanting to admit that we cared. It was a messed up relationship. Sometimes our honesty took a back seat and I worried that eventually it would do us in.

  “Hmmm…” he said, thoughtfully.

  “I’m not seeing anyone, Owen. I told you.” I felt a little exasperated and it came off sounding grumpy and bitchy. Our situation was starting to make me more than a little crazy and I found myself taking it out on him when it got to a breaking point.

  “I know. But you can. I mean…I can’t keep you from seeing other people,” he said.

  I sighed. “Do you want me to see other people, Owen? Do you want me to find someone else to talk to?” I leaned back in my chair and rubbed my fingers across my temples.

  “It’s not that I want you to. But...Fuck, Ally, I don’t know. I know I can’t give you anything so I can’t stop you if something comes along that you want to explore. I don’t want to keep you from being happy. At the same time, I want to be the one to make you happy.” He ended the last part of his sentence on a whisper.

  I closed my eyes, feeling the clench of my heart. “Owen, we just keep muddling the water. I don’t even know what we are or what the rules are. I’ll be honest, it’s driving me crazy. I spend half of my time pretending that I don’t have feelings for you and the other half drowning in them. I don’t know which way is up half the time. I know we agreed to be friends while we figure all of this out, but I’m not sure we are doing a very good job of it.” I felt better. I had been holding that in and it felt good to just put honest words out there again, instead of always second guessing myself.

  “I know, babe. I am just so afraid of fucking things up. I want us to be together, but I am so close to getting everything I have been working for, that to walk away from it seems wrong. But not being with you is hard. Being your friend and pushing you to date some other jackass feels wrong too; even knowing that you are going out with the girls and looking sexy as hell drives me crazy. Because I know some jackass is going to be eying you up and down and he’s going to come up and talk to you and ask you to dance and the whole thing makes me want to punch something. It’s not fair, and I know I am a complete asshole for even thinking that, but I can’t help it. All I can think about is how you are going to find someone that is a better fit than me, who doesn’t have all of these complications and it’s going to be easy for you to fall for him. And I’ll lose you…again. You aren’t the only one turned upside down. I’m confused too and you’re right, there are no rules for this kind of thing.” He sighed and I could hear my own desperation in the sound.

  “Look, we just have to talk about this stuff. No more just holding it in. I think that is what gets us to this point. We both live in our own heads and things get out of control. That’s not us. We talk things out. You’ve never been afraid to ask me things straight out and I have always answered you no matter what. That’s how we get through this,” I said.

  “You’re right. Honesty. Can you do me a favor…just for tonight?” he asked.

  “What is it?”

  “Don’t fall for anyone tonight. If some guy asks you to dance, maybe you could just say no…for tonight.” I could tell he felt like an ass for even asking, and I should probably have taken it that way. Instead it warmed my heart a little. Maybe his insecurities made my own feel less severe.

  “I can do that,” I agreed.

  “Do you want to know what I’m going to do tonight?” he asked, a smile in his voice. I could feel some of the tension fading away.

  “Do you want to tell me?” I smiled into the phone.

  “Business dinner. And then The Walking Dead on Netflix I think.” He seemed pleased.

  “Oh it sounds fascinating,” I teased.

  “It is. Maybe you could call me when you get back home. I’d like to hear your voice,” he admitted. And while I should have refused, I didn’t. Just like I didn’t ask if Anna was going to be at his business dinner.

  So much for honesty.

  ******

  And that is how we continued. Push. Pull. Repeat. Each day away from each other became another day where happily-ever-after became an unreachable destination. I’d begun to accept it all. I’d started to see things more clearly. I started to find myself again. I was super busy with work, and O
wen’s big promotion had turned into an opportunity to become a full on partner. Needless to say, I heard from him less after that. It was hard at first, to have him drift away and get so caught up in work and life. But it had turned out to be good for me. I found my balance again.

  After two months, I was holding my own. I’d tucked away the daydreams of a happy ending with Owen away safely in the recesses of my heart. There was no time to dwell. I would take his cue and focus on my job. He’d been clear that he wasn’t ready to give up his quest for partner. He’d worked too hard, come too far to give it up. I may have been important, but that drive he had to prove himself was more important than I could ever be. It was a harsh lesson, but one that I needed in order to let it go.

  I had been hanging on to us, thinking about the day when life would become uncomplicated and we’d be together the way we had been that weekend. But it wasn’t going to happen. There were some walls that even I could not tear down. I held on to the fact that we had had the smarts to not go into this thing full force. We’d held back for a reason, to preserve our friendship and I was grateful for that. Because I knew, had we tried, we would be nothing now. He would still have chosen the job and I’d have been broken hearted. It was better this way. At least I still had my friend, even if I had to continually remind my heart to back off.

  This was the fragile ground I was on when my boss came into my office to put me on a new account. I was excited about a new project and ready to jump in. He explained that I would need to go and make a site visit to get things rolling. I was fine with that until he told me where I was going. Chicago. Damn. I swear I could hear the voice of fate laughing at me.

  Three days later I found myself on a plane. I had considered not even telling Owen I was coming. I wasn’t really sure that I could see him. It was a constant back and forth. I want to see him. I can’t see him. I had made so much progress and I was afraid of messing it all up. My feelings still felt too fragile. I was still learning to deal with the lost opportunity of us being together. Just because I knew how things stood, it didn’t make the feelings disappear. I worried that seeing him would send me right back into confusion. I wasn’t positive that my heart could handle it. I was pretty sure that he had closed all of his feelings off. This is what he did. I wasn’t ready to show him that I hadn’t. I didn’t want to be the weak one.