Unfinished

by Shae Scott

  “I should go. I’ll grab a cab,” I managed. I was avoiding his eyes, for fear that they would pull me in and I would change my mind. I grabbed for my boots and put them on.

  “Ally, don’t be ridiculous. You aren’t taking a cab.” He followed me as I made my way to the door. He grabbed my arm and turned me around.

  “I’m sorry,” he said the words, but his eyes told me he wasn’t sorry at all. I gave him a look that said as much. He smiled sheepishly. “I am sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. But I don’t want you to go. I miss the hell out of you and I want you here,” he said.

  I let out a sigh and met his gaze. “We agreed,” I pointed out.

  “I know. I know what I said. And I still think that it’s the right thing. But just because I said that we should just step back and be friends doesn’t mean that I don’t still have feelings for you. Those didn’t go away. But I can’t lose you. And until I can get out of this mess, I also can’t do what’s right with you either. So yeah, I said let’s be friends. Because being nothing, isn’t an option for me anymore. I need you in my life. And when you are standing here in front of me, looking so beautiful, I don’t want to think about what is right. I want to just give in and have you. I want to kiss you and feel you. I don’t want to be your friend right now. I know what I said, but right now, this is what I feel. So please…just stay. Say that you’ll stay.”

  I leaned against the wall for support. His words left me weak. How was I supposed to fight him on this when he was saying exactly what I felt? I wanted to stay. I really did. But how could I? Our situation hadn’t changed. If I stayed with him, woke up beside him in the morning, I would be taking steps backwards. I couldn’t risk that. If were going to give friends a shot I had to stick to it. But God, hearing him say these things, to be validated like this; it tore at my heart and nearly did me in.

  “Owen, you know I want to. I can’t hide that from you. But I can’t. I can’t go back and forth. It’s too hard and it’s not fair. If you want to keep me, we have to do this the right way.” He was so close that it was hard to concentrate. “You have to decide what this is. Are we on hold until you get things sorted out? Do I wait for you? Because in one breath you are telling me not to and the next you are telling me that you want to be with me when this is all over. I can’t play this game with you.”

  He didn’t say anything for a long moment. I could tell he was really taking my words to heart. No matter what, I could always count on him to listen…to hear me. He could see through my bullshit and see what I was really trying to say. And right now, I could tell that he knew I was speaking the truth. This wasn’t just playing hard to get, this was me laying my heart out for him. This was vulnerability and as always, it was hard.

  “Okay,” he said simply. What did that even mean?

  “Okay, what? Okay, you get it? Okay, you want me to wait? Okay, you want me to move on and let this go? Okay, what, Owen?” My frustration was growing.

  He took a step back to give me more space. “Okay, I get it. I’m not being fair. I wish I had the right answers for you, Ally. I wish I knew what tomorrow was going to bring,” he said.

  That made me mad. Anger started to boil underneath my skin. “Seriously? I’m so sick of this back and forth. It’s like you try to dangle some future in front of me just to snatch it away again. It’s not the right time, it’s complicated, but yet you want me to stay when it’s convenient.”

  His brow furrowed as he listened to me rant. “I didn’t bring you here just to fuck you, if that’s what you’re getting at.” His temper was starting to flare too. Good. I was suddenly in the mood for a fight.

  “Really? Because it kind of sounded that way.” It hadn’t. Not really. If I was honest, I knew his feelings were as real as my own, but I was angry and logic went out the window when trying to win an argument.

  “How can you even think that? I’ve tried to be honest with you. You know everything that’s going on. We talked about this. You said the same thing. Hell, you said it first. So why are you acting like I’m the asshole here?” His voice boomed, but I didn’t flinch.

  “Yeah, well, that was then. It made sense. But it’s different now. You can’t keep making me fall for you just to push me away. I’m not a doormat, Owen.” I wanted to push his buttons. I needed to release all of this pent up energy and frustration and since I wasn’t going to let myself sleep with him, this was the next best thing.

  “Fuck!” He roared. “A doormat? Really? You aren’t fucking serious. What the hell?” He ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. “I would never treat you that way. You have no idea what I feel in here.” He slapped his chest with his hand. I saw hurt in his eyes and it cut me. I’d pushed too far.

  I felt the tears sting my eyes. My voice came out softer, “What I know, is that life doesn’t usually get uncomplicated. I know that if I stay here with you tonight, I’ll regret it in the morning. I’ll regret it when you go back to your life and I go back to mine and we just become pen pals again.” I fought to keep the tear from slipping down my cheek.

  He stepped back towards me, tilted my face up to see his. His anger faded along with my own. “I never want to hurt you. Don’t you see? You go against all of my logic and all of my plans. And yeah, I’m the jackass who can’t figure out how to put it all together. But damn it, Ally, I have never had anything but honest intentions with you. Please don’t ever doubt that. I wanted you to stay because to have you here feels right. Having you beside me makes me feel whole and the idea of you spending the night across town and not in my arms feels fucking wrong. That’s why I wanted you here. You are not my goddamn booty call and it kills me to think that is how you feel.”

  I took a deep breath. “I don’t. I just. I just can’t stay. I don’t trust my heart in this situation,” I said quietly. He took a moment before he spoke.

  “Okay. I’ll drive you back.” He grabbed our coats from the closet and led us out.

  The ride back to the hotel was full of tension. Neither of us spoke. I hated that the evening was ending this way. While I knew I had made the right decision I had gone about it in the wrong way and I wondered if this would be the last time that I saw him. I wondered if he felt it too, the finality of this moment. So much hung in the air between us.

  He left the car with the valet and walked me inside. We stopped at the elevators and I turned to look at Owen. He stared at his feet, his hands buried in the pockets of his jeans.

  “Maybe we can have coffee or something before I leave on Thursday,” I suggested. I didn’t want to think this was the last time I’d see him. Maybe after we’d both cooled off it would be okay.

  He gave me a slight nod. “Yeah.” I wasn’t sure I believed him. Letting out the breath I was holding I stepped up to him and kissed his cheek.

  “Thanks for dinner.” I turned away without looking at him and darted into the open elevator before the tears started to fall silently down my cheeks.

  I was thankful that the elevator was empty; I didn’t want to share my sorrow with anyone else. I just wanted to fall into bed and mourn the night and quite possibly this whole complicated, messed up relationship.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I didn’t sleep much that night. I stared at the ceiling and replayed every moment of the night. Then, I replayed every moment of our weekend and every moment in between. If possible, I felt more confused than before. How did we get here? I tried to remember how we’d been before, two kids waiting to grow up and see the world. We had spent so much time together back then. It had never been this confusing. There had never been this constant pull back and forth. I had never had to question my feelings or his intentions. It was just natural and good.

  Up until graduation. That’s when it had changed. That moment we crossed the line into something other than friendship. I could see now that that was the moment I had lost easy. Once we had opened that door it had been over. We’d invited something else in, and even after all these years it had refused to go. />
  I didn’t know what I wanted. Was I glad that I had chosen not to stay? Yes. I knew it was the smartest thing to do. But every nerve in my body was longing for his touch. Even now, lying here in bed I could almost feel his touch across my skin. It made me burn for him. It made me restless.

  Which side was I supposed to listen to? How did I ignore the intensity that I felt with him? Smart or not, I would always question what if. I didn’t want to live in a world of could have been. Those questions will drive you crazy. But to find out the answer to the question could bring me unbearable heartbreak. That is the one thing I did feel sure of. I knew the pain this thing was causing me now. The idea of jumping in and risking it all was a sure set up for something I might not return from.

  It was impossible. There was no right answer, no solution that was going to fix this. I was in way over my head and I just wasn’t prepared for how to get myself out of it.

  When morning came, I welcomed the distraction. I needed something to get me out of my head. I was weary from too much thinking. I stopped at the corner coffee shop and bought the biggest, strongest cup they offered and I set on my way back to my client’s tall skyscraper.

  The day was long though. I forced myself to concentrate and do my job. But each time I glanced at my phone or checked my email my heart would sink a little further. There was nothing from Owen. He had gone silent and even though I had been there pushing him away, it made me hurt to think he had gone. God, I had become a first class train wreck. I chastised myself and put the phone away, refusing to look at it again.

  It was after sundown when I made my way back to the hotel. I was exhausted after the long day and the lack of sleep. I just wanted to go upstairs, order some room service, take a hot shower and hopefully fall into a deep sleep where I wouldn’t have to think about anything. Tomorrow I would go home and find my way back to normal. Just getting out of this city would make things easier.

  I made my way through the lobby and stopped when I saw the familiar figure sitting on the sofa, facing the front door. I felt relief and dread all at once. He was in a charcoal suit, jacket and tie gone, top buttons undone, and the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He was a picture of disheveled perfection. His hair was mussed, a result of too many frustrated hands and he looked as exhausted as I felt. He sat there watching the door, leaned forward, elbows on knees and staring intently. Our eyes locked and I slowed my approach.

  I hadn’t expected him to be here. I wasn’t prepared for this moment. I walked to him, stopping a couple of feet in front of the sofa. He looked up at me, meeting my eyes. They were sad, defeated and it broke me. I didn’t want this for us.

  “Hi,” I said softly.

  “Hi,” he returned.

  We were quiet, our gazes locked, trying to read each other. I didn’t know why he was here. I wanted to ask, but I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer.

  “So, what are you doing here in the lobby?” I asked finally. He hadn’t moved at all.

  “I didn’t know when you’d be back. I didn’t want to miss you.”

  Oh.

  “Can we go upstairs and talk?” he asked.

  I hesitated for a moment before I agreed. We needed this. Last night had been hard and if we had any hope of moving forward we had to talk about it.

  Owen got up, grabbed his jacket and followed me towards the elevator. Neither of us spoke until we had made it into the room. I shut the door behind us and then kicked off my heels. My feet were killing me after a long day. I saw Owen’s mouth turn up just a hint before the smile faded again.

  “Can I get you something to drink?” I asked.

  “No. I’m fine. Thanks though.”

  The formality between us was stifling. I hated it. I watched as Owen looked around my room. There was no couch, only one chair by the window.

  “I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I wanted to talk about what happened,” he offered.

  “You wanna sit?” I offered and he looked over at the bed and then back at me. I shrugged. “It’s fine. Let’s talk,” I said. I moved over to the edge of the bed and sat down. He seemed to think about it for a second and then followed me over, sitting down beside me. Then he went quiet again.

  After a few moments, I decided that someone had to get this thing started. “Owen?”

  He let out a breath and then shifted so he was facing me. I saw it again, that look in his eyes, haunted and sad. “Ally, I’m so sorry about last night. I was being selfish and you’re right it wasn’t fair to you,” he started.

  “Owen, I’ve thought a lot about it. I may have overreacted some. I was just so full of emotions that it all kind of hit me. I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that. I’m sorry too.” And I was. I was sorry that we were sitting here having to have this conversation. I was sorry that we couldn’t just be Ally and Owen anymore. I felt like we had both gotten lost somewhere along the way.

  “I was up all night, just thinking about everything that happened last night and…” He seemed to be searching for the right words, thinking about each one carefully. “I hate that I made you feel that way. I never want to hurt you. I never want to make you feel unimportant or cheap.” He cringed at the last word.

  I wanted to reassure him, but I could tell he had more on his mind that he needed to say. “I’ve never been good at real relationships. You know how I’ve felt about them. I don’t do them because I don’t trust myself to do them right. I’ve lived by that rule my whole life. I’m selfish. I put my work and my goals ahead of everything else. It’s always been enough for me. But then you come back around and I feel like maybe it’s not enough. You make me question it all. You make me think of things that I long thought impossible,” He took my hand in his, laying them in his lap as his fingers rubbed across my skin. I couldn’t help but smile at his words.

  “But then I go and I screw it all up like I did last night and I realize how right I was all along.” My heart stopped as his words hit with full force and I closed my eyes against the weight that suddenly sat on my chest.

  “Last night reminded me of who I am. I can’t change. Not really. I’m selfish. And I’m not good enough for you. I never have been. All the reasons we decided to wait are still there, only now they are just bigger. I can’t ignore my work right now. I can’t afford to be distracted. But when you are here, beside me, I can’t think of anything else. You haunt my every moment and I’m so torn between what my heart wants and what I know I’m really capable of. I can’t do that to you, Kit Kat. I can’t be the one who continually breaks your heart,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.

  I could feel the tears prick behind my eyelids. I wanted to fight them off, but they were there, threatening to betray me. I opened my eyes to see my own pain reflected back to me.

  “I wish I could say that I understand it all, Owen. I know that you have this idea of who you are, but it’s not the guy that I know. You are not your past. But I get that you have that to overcome it and I know that you do that by being successful and by shutting everything else out. I guess I just thought that we were moving past all that. I thought that maybe we’d find our way.” I was going to be honest with him. Honesty was all that we had left.

  “I know. I wanted that, too. But all I could think about last night is how it’s not fair to you. I haven’t been fair to you. I can’t ask you to wait around for me to get my shit together. I can’t keep you from finding your happiness. I keep thinking that maybe I am keeping you from something better, someone better, because we have this unfinished business between us. I can’t bear the thought of you missing out on something you deserve because you are waiting on me…not when I might never be able to give you what you deserve.” My heart sunk more with each word. This was really it. We were calling it quits before we even got started and the loss of the possibility was too much.

  I tried to find the right words, but I couldn’t get them out. I didn’t know how to let this go or tell him goodbye. Were we just supposed to drift apart and go ba
ck to being memories? I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around a life that didn’t include him anymore. It had been such a short amount of time, but he was ingrained into my life now. I didn’t know how to go back to how it was before him. He had become a part of me and without him there would be a very large piece missing.

  “Say something,” he said finally.

  I shrugged, a tear finally slipping down my cheek. He moved to wipe it away, but another one took its place. “I don’t know what to say. Logic doesn’t really take the pain away. I let myself fall for you, even though I knew it was risky.” I took a deep breath, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “I couldn’t help myself. What we have together – it’s different than anything I’ve had before. That’s hard to fight.” I had to take a deep breath to steady the weight that had settled in my chest.

  “I almost didn’t tell you I was coming here,” I admitted. He gave me a questioning look.

  “I was afraid to be around you. I’ve known you were struggling with things. I’ve felt you pull away. I’ve been working really hard to just let it all go and chalk it up to bad timing. I thought if I could give myself time. I could find a place where I could be around you without feeling so much. I was afraid to come here because of what happened last night. I knew how it would feel and I knew I’d get sucked in again, just being near you. That’s why I flipped out, because I didn’t trust myself. I wanted to stay. We both know that. But I had to protect myself. I can’t turn it off. Being with you would have been amazing, but it would have killed me to walk away. And now we’re here…over,” I finished softly.

  “I don’t want us to be over,” he admitted.

  “I don’t either. But we can’t keep doing this. I can’t do it. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m just not cut out for it,” I admitted.