by Nina Levine
She hugs me. “Oh, baby, I’m sure he’ll calm down and come looking for you.”
I stay in her arms for a long time while I let the tears fall. When I finally pull away, I shake my head. “I don’t think so, A. I’ve never seen him so angry. And then at the end, so detached. It was like he’d already switched off his emotions. Oh, God…” Another rush of tears slide down my cheeks. My whole body is in agony, but it’s nowhere near as painful as the break in my heart.
She passes me more tissues. “I think you should stay here tonight. I don’t want you going through this alone.”
I nod because I’m not sure I could drive home in my state. “The thing is, I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t at least listen to what I had to say. All I wanted was for him to look at it all. It would have been so easy if he’d just done that.”
“Nothing’s that easy in life, babe. If things were that clear cut, world peace would exist. My guess is that the only way Luke has been able to get through this whole situation has been to shut himself off to Jolene. You brought her back into his life in a big and really unexpected way. I truly think he’ll calm down and come around. I mean, look back at what he was like before you two got together—you guys used to go at each other a lot, but you always moved past it.”
“I hope you’re right.” I can’t help but think she isn’t. I really think Luke meant what he said. And as much as I want to choose him, I could never live with myself if Jolene spent years in prison when she should have been free. My decision affects Sean, too.
“So, where are you with the investigation? Maybe if you can speed that along, you can get back to being happy with Luke.”
I slump against the couch. “I’m stuck. There’s something dodgy about the motel. When you check in there, you have to sign in. I’ve gone over and over the photocopies I have of the sign-in sheets from the book and I realised the staff member who was on shift the day of the murder used a slightly different signature throughout that day.”
“What do you mean?”
“So the staff have to sign next to where each guest signs. I went back through all the pages Marion had photocopied out of the book and I worked out there’s a discrepancy. Louise was the staff member on that day, but if I match all her signatures up to the rest of hers throughout that book, they don’t quite match. It’s barely recognisable, but there’s a definite difference if you look close enough.”
She frowns. “How do you think this helps?”
“I spoke to Louise and she was cagey. Really didn’t want anything to do with helping me, which is odd. Don’t you think? And then I met her husband and he was just plain scary. She’s scared of him. So, because she wasn’t giving me anything, I spent time tracking down some of the other guests who signed in that day and asked them if it was Louise they spoke to. I showed them her photo on the staff page of the motel’s website. Not one of them said it was her.”
“Yes, but I still don’t get where you’re going with this. So what? I mean, you don’t think Louise or the staff have something to do with the murder, do you?”
“I don’t know, but what I’m thinking is if I can get Louise to tell me the truth about who was working that day, I could speak to them and see if they might be able to shed any new light on who checked in. The police interviewed Louise, but if she didn’t work that day, anything she told them is useless.”
Avery’s eyes light up. “Ah, okay, I see where you’re going with this. Good thinking. Have you spoken to Louise again?”
“Not yet, but I’ll get on that tomorrow.” Sadness hits me. “I mean, it’s not like I’ve got somewhere to be tomorrow night after work, is it?”
“You can’t just give up on him, Callie. If he’s who you want to be with. You have to fight.”
“I know, but I think I might give him a day or so to calm down before I go to battle.”
“Probably not a bad idea knowing Luke. He’s not working nights again until Thursday, just in case you didn’t know, so he’ll be at home a bit next week.”
“Thanks for that info. I hadn’t checked his shifts yet.”
She stands. “Right, I think we need some tea. You want one?”
I smile. “I love you, Avery. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’d be fucked,” she says with a wink. But she’s right. I totally would be.
* * *
Monday passes by in a blur of sadness and defeat. I don’t hear from Luke and I stick to my plan of giving him some time to calm down. I’m so disappointed not to hear from him, but at the same time, I didn’t expect to. Being a dreamer, though, I tend to always have this buried hope when I desperately want something to happen, regardless of the fact I’ve worked hard to convince myself it won’t happen. It’s a fucked-up way of dealing with life, but it’s how I’ve always coped.
I visit the motel on my way home from work. Louise isn’t working today, though. The woman who’s on informs me Louise is away for a few days, which just puts me further into the funk I’m already in.
I end up spending the night in front of the TV, half watching and half writing. I’ve been working on a new book for the last few months and it’s been coming together really well, but tonight my words have all dried up.
Just after ten, I decide I’ve had enough of myself. I drag my sorry ass to bed and cry myself to sleep. I’ve never experienced extreme sadness like this before. Not even in my one long-term relationship. If Luke decides he doesn’t want me in his life anymore, I might just die of a broken heart.
33
Luke
“I can stay home tonight if you need me to,” Paris says over a late dinner on Tuesday. Sean had his earlier.
I eye her over my glass as I take a drink. “I’ve got nowhere to be. You go out.”
She stops eating and places her knife down. “I thought you might want to go out. See someone, apologise. That kind of shit.”
“Paris.” My tone holds a warning.
“Ugh, you are so infuriating. Why aren’t you out there chasing her down and telling her you were a dick? God knows you should be.”
“I told her it’s her choice. She knows where to find me.”
“Jesus, Luke, are you really this dumb?”
I shove my chair back and rise. “I refuse to allow Jolene back in this house. Callie invited her back by getting involved.”
“So either she ends this with Jolene or you end it with her?”
“Yes.” I carry my dish to the kitchen and place it in the dishwasher. Leaning my hands on the counter, I let out the angry breath trapped inside. As much as I’ve tried to shake it since my fight with Callie two days ago, I’m still holding onto the anger the fight stirred. I realise now it’s got more to do with Jolene than with Callie, but I refuse to budge on my decision.
Paris joins me in the kitchen. “I don’t understand you, Luke. Callie has lit up your life again—she’s made you smile more than I’ve ever seen you smile—and yet, you’re just going to let her go? Why?”
I grip the counter hard as I angle my face sideways to look at her. “Paris, do you know what Jolene did to me? What she really did to me?”
“She ripped your damn heart out, picked it apart so it was in tiny little pieces and then she fed it to the devil. That’s what she did. I know that, Luke, but don’t you see? Callie put it back together.”
She’s right, but there’s so much more that she doesn’t understand. I’m not sure anyone could ever fully grasp what my marriage has done to me. “Jolene did more than just rip my heart out, Paris. She took almost every ounce of belief and hope I ever had in the world and trashed it. She caused this wall of hate to grow inside me until all I saw when I looked at the world was black. She fucking stole my dreams. How could she sit through those years of me fighting to free her, and let me give up everything to do that? I thought I was letting this hurt and anger go, but hearing her voice on the phone the other day just showed me that I haven’t—that it’s still buried deep in my soul.
It also showed me that I desperately need to find a way to let it go. And I can’t do that if Callie is standing in front of me, reminding me every fucking second that my past was my own personal form of hell.”
She considers what I’ve said, but she still doesn’t get it, because she frowns and says, “Honestly, I understand everything you’re saying, but at the same time it seems so simple to me. You love Callie. Why can’t that get you through?”
“Because it’s not that simple. I wish it were.”
The doorbell rings, bringing our conversation to an end. Paris leaves to answer it while I head into the lounge room. I’ve got some paperwork for the bar to get through and I’m going to do it while I watch some mindless television.
“Luke.” Callie’s voice cuts through my thoughts as I turn on the TV. Looking up, I find her watching me hesitantly from the doorway. “Can we talk?”
My heart squeezes in my chest at what I hear in her voice and what I see in her eyes. She’s hurting as much as I am. And yet, I’m unable to reconcile our disagreement over this. As much as I want her in my arms right now, I can’t switch off the feelings I have about this situation. I nod. “Yeah, we should.”
Her movements are slow as she makes her way to the couch. She sits at one end while I’m at the other. The distance between us is painful. “I’ve spent days thinking about everything you said.” She stops talking as if she’s scared to continue.
“And?”
She wrings her hands, dropping her gaze for a beat before finally meeting mine again. “I can’t do what you want.”
Her words are like a knife twisting in my heart.
“You mean you refuse to do what I want because can’t implies you actually could if you tried.”
Her eyes flare with more hurt, but I’m blinded by so much disappointment I barely see it. “I’m stuck, Luke. I love you and I want to do whatever I can to make you happy, but this isn’t something I can do in good conscience.”
I stare at her. “So you’re willing to just walk away from us? You’ll choose Jolene over what we have?”
“I’m choosing truth. For Jolene as much as for you and as much as for Sean.”
“She’s poisoned your mind, Callie. I don’t want that for you. Trust me, I’ve been down that road and it doesn’t end in a good place.”
She shifts a little closer to me. “She didn’t come to me. I went to her. How could she possibly be poisoning my mind? I wish you would just—”
“Just what?” My anger flares. “Just let her right on back in to continue fucking with my life? That will never happen.”
She stares at me for a couple of minutes before resignation appears to settle in. I see the fight leave her and my heart screams for me to end this maddening disagreement, but my mind is in control here. I’ll never allow my heart to rule me again.
She stands and comes to me then. Sitting next to me, she places her hand on my cheek. A single tear falls down her face before more start flowing. “I love you and I will always love you. You gave me so much and made me feel things I never imagined I would ever feel in my life.” She wipes her tears. “I just want you to be happy, Luke. Promise me you’ll find a way to be happy.”
Fuck.
I grip her arms. “Callie, don’t do this. You’re what makes me happy. I need you.”
She nods. “I know, and I need you, but I also need to stick to what I believe is the right thing. And pushing the truth aside in favour of personal gain is not the right thing to me.”
She leans forward and presses her lips to mine. Her kiss is slow, almost hesitant. It’s not a passionate kiss like all the ones we’ve shared before. This is a goodbye kiss. It’s over before my mind can even catch up. When she stands, she looks at me like she already misses me and says, “Goodbye, Luke.”
Shock pulses through my body as I watch her leave. I want to go after her and beg her to change her mind, but I’m paralysed.
I can’t breathe.
Jolene finally stole my breath.
34
Callie
I watch Jolene walk towards me while doing my best not to think about her husband. Walking away from Luke last night was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I spent the night crying. Sleep eluded me in favour of heartbreak and tears. The fact he didn’t come after me just about killed me. It sure as hell shattered my heart. But I should have expected it. If there is something Luke excels at, it is digging his heels in when he’s made a decision. The fact I share that trait seems to have determined our fate before we even got started.
“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” Jolene says after she sits across from me. I’ve visited her twice now and any inroads I’ve made to gain her trust appear to have been destroyed. The woman across from me has her armour fitted tight once again.
“Luke certainly tried to stop me from coming back.” I’m in a weird mood with her today. I can’t help but feel some resentment towards her, and yet I don’t want to feel that. I believe in her innocence enough to know any bitterness would be misguided. But if I wasn’t here trying to help her, Luke and I would still be together.
She doesn’t respond to that. In fact, she doesn’t speak again for a few minutes. I get the distinct impression she doesn’t want to be doing this with me today. “I don’t understand you. You’re dating my husband? Why didn’t you tell me? And why are you trying to help me if you’re with him?”
I sigh. I struggle to understand myself, too. “I didn’t tell you because that would just have made an odd situation really weird. When I told you I wanted to help you, I meant it. I didn’t go looking for this—it came to me. And I can’t walk away even if I wanted to.”
She shakes her head. “Why? Most people would.”
“I believe in the truth. I’m flawed like everyone and might not always choose it, but I try to fight for it.”
“We have shades of truth, Callie. People twist the truth to suit themselves. And sometimes they completely fuck with it.” She is so broken it bleeds through her words and causes me to flinch. I’ve never had my life ripped apart by lies so I know I can’t fully understand her, but I can feel her torment.
I don’t know what to say to that so I say nothing.
Jolene leans forward. When she asks her next question, her voice cracks. “Does my husband love you?”
I inhale sharply. “Yes.”
Her eyes close and she takes a few quick breaths before opening them again. “And you love him?”
I nod as I swallow hard. “Yes.”
She stares at me. “How?”
“How what?”
“How did you two meet? How did you get together? How long has it been going on for?” Her face crumples as she continues. “How did my husband give up on me so easily?” No tears fall. I’m not sure Jolene has it in her to cry anymore, but the agony she’s in is clear as day from the way she hugs herself to the way she’s fighting to control her emotions.
My lip quivers as I take in her hurt. Tears threaten at the back of my eyes and I force out a breath in an effort to hold back those tears. I don’t even know where to start to try and explain to a wife how her husband moved on. In the end, I just start with her questions. “I met Luke over a year ago when he took over the bar where I was a customer. Nothing happened between us until just over four months ago when our friendship changed into something more.” I avoid her other question because it’s not my place to even go there. That’s between her and Luke.
She stares at me, her breaths coming fast. “I lost Luke a long time ago. I know that, but I always held onto the hope that we’d be able to find our way back to each other. I thought he loved me as much as I love him.”
It’s funny how the story behind a relationship is different depending on which person in the relationship you talk to. Luke thinks Jolene doesn’t know how to love and yet here she is telling me she thinks she loved him more than he ever loved her.
Talking about Luke with his wife is one of the strangest experiences
of my life. I don’t know what to say. I came here to discuss her case, but she seems to have a different need. I decide to give her the space to express herself because I sense what this woman needs more than anything right now is someone to talk to about her loss. “How did you two meet?” I already know this, but it’s a way to open up a dialogue.
“He was a client where I worked. He came in for months buying clothes and I tried to work up the courage to talk to him more than a few words here and there. He came in one day just after my mother told me I’d never succeed in life—after I told her I had no money to give her to pay her rent. I was crying and he asked me out on a date. I think he felt sorry for me, but the date went really well and we started seeing each other. For the first time in my life, I had someone who looked at me and saw something more than a woman with nothing to offer the world. He put me on a pedestal and smothered me with love. And I loved him back harder than I had ever loved anyone. Until my mother got involved…” Her voice drifts off, as does her gaze.
I give her a minute with her memories before pushing for more. “What did your mother do?”
“After Luke proposed to me, she told me I needed to get pregnant as fast as possible. Said it was the best way to keep a man. I ignored her as best I could, but the thing about my mother was that she had this way of planting doubt everywhere. She didn’t let up until I was finally pregnant, and in that time, she made me question Luke’s fidelity and his love.” She pauses, never letting my gaze go. “I’ve never been a strong person, Callie. I admit that, but my mother made me feel worse about myself. And then Luke’s mother got involved, and that was the final nail in our coffin.”
I frown. “I’ve met Estelle. She seemed okay.”
“She never much liked me. I think I was too white-trash for her. But Luke always stuck up for me in the beginning and she backed off. After Sean came along, though, she butted in at every opportunity she could. She insisted on buying us a house. When Luke argued with her, she told him it would come from his inheritance, but he dug his heels in and said no. Then one day she just turned up with house keys. Luke fell in love with the house because of the amazing architectural design and that was that—he gave in. Then Estelle bought us a car after she declared Sean needed a safe car to be driven around in. Luke always refused money off her, but she was always bringing clothes and gifts over for Sean. And by doing that she always reminded me that she was better than me because I couldn’t give my son those things. It made me feel like shit and it caused a lot of fights between me and Luke.”
