Who Let the Dogma Out (The Elven Prophecy Book 1)

by Theophilus Monroe

  Layla smiled. “Well, how often do you take him in the car when you aren’t taking him to the vet?”

  I bit my lip. “Point taken. Not often. I suppose there’s a reason why he’d think that. But even when I told him that we were going in the car to find you the other day, he still freaked out over it.”

  “Probably because he didn’t believe you. I mean, were you always honest with him about where you were taking him when you took him to the vet?”

  I snorted. “Of course not. I probably didn’t say anything about it. He’s a cat. He couldn’t speak English before.”

  “You merely assumed he didn’t understand you. Maybe he did.”

  “Based on what he’s been saying since all this started happening, I’m thinking he probably did. I mean, he learned about Preparation H from a television commercial. He even recommended it to me!”

  “You have hemorrhoids?”

  I glanced at Layla. Her face was contorted in disgust.

  How embarrassing.

  “No, I don’t,” I said firmly. I mean, the last thing you want a hot woman to think about when she sees you is what may or may not be going on around your butt hole. I had to make my point as clearly as possible. “He was just being a smartass, like always.”

  “So, you don’t have hemorrhoids?”

  “No!” I shouted, raising my voice more than I should have.

  Layla was cracking up. “Chill out, Caspar. I’m fucking with you. I don’t care if you do.”

  “Good to know,” I said, gripping my steering wheel.

  “So you don’t have to lie about it. If you have the ‘roids, I won’t judge you.”

  “Layla, I don’t have hemorrhoids!”

  She started laughing again.

  “You’re still fucking with me, aren’t you?”

  She couldn’t stop giggling.

  “Yeah, you’re just messing with me.”

  “You got so defensive!” Layla said, slapping her knee. “It’s a natural problem. Elves get them too, you know. It’s not like having them compromises your manhood or anything.”

  I clenched my lips. I was done talking. There wasn’t anything I could say at the moment to make the situation any less embarrassing. No, I didn’t have that problem, but the more bent out of shape I got over her thinking I did, the more embarrassed I was about the way I overreacted.

  “Just trust me. We should bring Agnus with us.”

  “’Just trust me,’ as in this is one of those prophecy-related things that I know about, that I can direct however I see fit, but that I’m not going to tell you about?”

  Layla nodded. “Exactly. But I can tell you this much. If you are the chosen one and Agnus is your familiar, you don’t want to leave him behind while going after the Blade of Echoes.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

  “Just trust me, Caspar.”

  “You know, usually people who can be trusted don’t have to keep saying ‘trust me’ over and over. If you can’t trust me with the details of the prophecy, why should I trust you about it?”

  “Because you could manipulate the prophecy.”

  “Yes, I could manipulate events to make sure it either does or doesn’t happen the way it’s supposed to. But since you do know, isn’t that exactly what you’re doing? Telling me that we should bring my cat along because the prophecy suggests it?”

  “That’s not what I’m doing. I’m just saying if you are the chosen one, it would be wise to make sure he stays close by.”

  “Because I need my cat’s advice, his sage wisdom?”

  Layla nodded. “That’s exactly right.”

  I snorted. “Whatever. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. He’s a nightmare in the car.”

  She’d have to learn the hard way, I suppose. Before he could talk, or rather, before I could hear him, Agnus was annoying in the car. Now that he could talk, going off of the sample of the one time I’d taken him in the car since, he was downright insufferable. And there was no telling how far we’d have to go or how long we’d have to be gone.

  Cats aren’t like dogs. Dogs do better if you take them with you. You can’t leave a dog alone for more than a few hours. They’ll piss and shit all over the place. You either need a good dog sitter who can come by every couple hours, one of those doggy hotels that can house the animal, or you bring the dog with you. A cat is exactly the opposite. Leaving the cat at home is the only option. If you’re going to be gone more than a week or so, you probably need someone to stop by to change the litter box and make sure the automatic food and water dispensers aren’t tapped out. Ideally, someone who isn’t afraid of a cat that might put on a show of feline dominance in the presence of strangers.

  But taking a cat on a trip? First, we’d have to deal with his nonsense in the car. That was just the start of it. Then, we’d have to figure out the litter box situation. Wherever we went, we’d need one. And Agnus was a picky pooper. He wouldn’t use regular clay litter. He needed the clumping stuff, the kind that had a distinct odor to it. But just scooping it on the regular wouldn’t suffice. If you didn’t change the litter every week, he’d refuse to go. He’d hold it until he found an alternative, like a pile of dirty laundry or a bedsheet.

  Trust me, you don’t want that. Cat pee is possibly the most disgusting substance on the entire planet. I’d rather be exposed to nuclear waste than have to deal with cat urine. Touch it, just barely, get a whiff and realize what it is, I’ll start blowing chunks in t-minus thirteen seconds if I’m lucky.

  Yes, this was going to be an adventure and not an excellent one in the vein of my childhood heroes, Bill and Ted. More like a bogus journey, hopefully minus an appearance by the Grim Reaper.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Agnus purred in Layla’s lap. How the hell it had happened, I don’t know, but when we’d stopped at the apartment, Layla just picked him up, and he got into the car without complaint. We made a quick stop at the motel so Layla could grab her things. A small duffel bag, a composite bow, and what I assumed was a quiver full of arrows. She tossed it all in the back seat and Agnus resumed his position in her lap, again without complaint.

  “Told you he’d be fine,” Layla said, grinning from one pointed ear to the other.

  “He just likes you,” I said.

  Layla scratched Agnus behind the ears. “What can I say? I have a way with animals.”

  “I think it’s because he’s attracted to you.”

  Layla shrugged. “Must be the ears. I mean, they’re similar to his.”

  “Honey,” Agnus interrupted, nuzzling into Layla’s thighs, “it’s not your ears I’m interested in.”

  “I’m sorry, Layla. My cat is a pervert.”

  Layla giggled. “I think he’s cute.”

  “Did you hear that, Agnus? She said you’re cute.”

  “That’s right, Casp! She thinks I’m cute.”

  “Buddy, when a girl tells you you’re cute, it doesn’t mean she’s attracted to you.”

  “Hate to break it to you, Agnus,” Layla said, still petting my cat. “You aren’t exactly my type.”

  Agnus gasped. “What is it? Is it because I’m a cat? Is it my hairy chest? Because if that’s it, just wait until you see Caspar with his shirt off.”

  “I’ve already seen it, Agnus. When I healed him the other night. And Caspar doesn’t have a hairy chest.”

  “Dammit,” Agnus cursed. “I was hoping you’d buy it.”

  “Even if he did, that has nothing to do with it. No offense, but I tend to prefer my own species.”

  “See!” Agnus said. “You don’t have a shot with her, either! She’s into elves, not humans.”

  I just shook my head as I pulled onto Interstate 44 with my eyes still fixed on the strange magical glow on the horizon like some kind of second sun, a light only I could see. I-44 was the only highway that would take us in its general direction.

  “Technically,” Layla interjected, “elves are related to humans. We’re
more like different races than different species.”

  “Whatever. Just keep petting me, babe. On the tummy. Stroke the tummy.” Agnus rolled over in Layla’s lap, and she petted him as he’d requested.

  “Good, just like that. Now a little lower.”

  “Agnus!” I shouted. “Inappropriate!”

  Agnus rolled back over and pounced from Layla’s lap into mine, nearly making me steer off the side of the road.

  “Agnus!”

  Agnus stood in my lap, staring at me as I struggled to keep the car moving straight. “Why you gotta mess with my game?”

  “Your game?” I asked. “Get out of my face. I’m trying to drive here.”

  “This isn’t over, Casp. The elf will be mine.”

  “Keep telling yourself that, buddy.”

  We drove for more than an hour, out of the city, past Six Flags, into the rolling Ozark hills. I still had the magical glow in focus on the horizon. Meanwhile, Agnus fell asleep in Layla’s lap.

  “I don’t get it,” I said. “I thought the glow was supposed to get more intense as we got closer.”

  Layla sighed. “Unless he’s moving, too.”

  “Do you think he’s trying to reach the ley lines?”

  “Probably,” Layla said. “But he also has to buy some time before the next full moon, when he can take the recharged Blade back to New Albion.”

  “What in the world would an orc, sorry, an elven giant want to do if he had time to burn on Earth?”

  “That’s a good question. I mean, you know this area better than I do. What are we heading toward?”

  I shook my head. “We’re getting into hillbilly country. A lot of hills and caves. I mean, you said a cave might be the best way to access Earth magic, right?”

  Layla nodded. “The cave would have to be on a ley line.”

  “Well, considering that there are more than six thousand caves in Missouri and most of them are right ahead of us in the Ozarks, searching them all isn’t an option. And since I didn’t even know ley lines were a real thing until yesterday…”

  “I think I get where you’re going. If I can cross-reference where the ley lines are in the region with known caves, we should be able to narrow it down.”

  “Exactly,” I said. “I mean, presuming you know where these ley lines are.”

  “Of course I do,” Layla said, looking out the passenger window. “We’re driving alongside one.”

  “It’s right there?” I asked.

  “One of the major ley lines runs under the Meramec River. Another one under the Mississippi. The ley lines intersect where the two rivers meet just south of St. Louis. That’s where the gate to and from New Albion opens on the full moon.”

  “All right. Well, B’iff is moving away from the Mississippi. There must be a cave somewhere along the Meramec. Can you Google it?”

  Layla reached into her pocket and retrieved her phone. “What should I search?”

  “Just Google caves along the Meramec River.”

  Layla poked her phone for a while. I tried to look while also keeping an eye on the road.

  “Any luck?”

  Layla grunted. “Not exactly. It seems the Meramec River valley contains more caves than any other part of the state.”

  “Of course it does. So, we’re talking what, a few hundred caves?”

  “More like thousands, but a lot of the caves are on the bluffs. The ley lines run deep, so that narrows it down a bit.”

  I gnawed my thumbnail. I know it’s a bad habit, but I tend to do it when I’m deep in thought. “How deep is the spring that feeds the Meramec?”

  Layla tapped her phone again. “Looks like Meramec Spring where the river originates is about two hundred and thirty feet. That’s perfect. That’s probably as close to the actual ley line as one can get.”

  I nodded. “Well, correct me if I’m wrong. You’re looking at the maps, right? The Meramec isn’t parallel to the highway the whole time. It starts somewhere farther south.”

  “That’s right. Looks like it originates to the south. If that’s where B’iff is going, I’m guessing you’ll see the glow start to move to your left as we get closer to the source.”

  “I think it’s already doing that. It was almost dead ahead on the horizon until about ten minutes ago. Now, it’s slowly moving south.”

  “That’s it!” Layla exclaimed. “I think we know where he’s headed.”

  “Can you put it in the GPS?” I asked.

  “How do you do that?”

  “Hey, Siri!” I said, interrupting her. “Take us to Meramec Springs.”

  “Holy shit. My phone is bringing it up. You can talk to this thing?”

  I chuckled. “Talking to a cat is normal to you, but talking to a phone is surprising?”

  Layla continued petting Agnus as he snoozed in her lap. “Well, if you think about it, a cat has a kind of innate intelligence.”

  “You haven’t heard of artificial intelligence?”

  “Artificial intelligence is an oxymoron. You know, kind of like ‘male intellect.’”

  “Hey!” I interjected. “I resemble that comment!”

  “Don’t you mean, ‘resent that comment?’” Layla asked.

  “Yes. Exactly. That’s what I mean.”

  I glanced in the rearview mirror. A large truck was rapidly approaching me from behind. I signaled and moved to the slow lane. He followed me.

  “What the fuck?”

  “What is it?” Layla asked.

  “Some jerk is riding my ass.”

  “He’s what?” Layla giggled.

  I grunted. I needed to be careful about the idioms I used. Layla might be more knowledgeable than other elves when it came to human culture, but a few phrases were lost on her. “It means that another car is speeding up behind me, driving too close. It isn’t safe.”

  “Why would you call that riding your ass? That sounds dirty.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  I hit the gas.

  He accelerated, too. Thankfully, my Eclipse was faster than his truck. “I don’t know what that guy’s problem is.”

  Layla twisted around and looked through the rear window.

  She sighed.

  “Caspar, I don’t know how this is possible.”

  “What is it?”

  “It’s B’iff!”

  “He’s driving a truck? How did he manage to get a truck, much less learn how to drive?”

  Layla shook her head. “I don’t know, but you’d better speed up. He’s pointing a gun in our direction.”

  “He’s what?” I glanced in my rearview mirror again. He’d somehow busted out his windshield and had a large rifle pointed in our direction.

  “Fuck!” I shouted as I pushed the gas pedal to the floor.

  A bullet hit the rear bumper.

  “He’s shooting at us!”

  “What the hell was that!” Agnus shouted, startled from his sleep.

  “The orc is shooting at us,” Layla said as Agnus leaped from her lap onto the floor in front of her. Layla reached into the back seat and grabbed her bow.

  BANG!

  This time the rear window shattered.

  Agnus hissed.

  “Keep your head down, Layla!” I shouted.

  Layla scoffed. “Nope, that’s not the plan.”

  She unbuckled her seat belt and reclined her seat, then flipped over, lying across it as she retrieved an arrow from her quiver.

  “You’re seriously going to shoot arrows at him?” I asked, swerving back and forth to minimize B’iff’s attempts at taking us out.

  “If you could keep the car still, I would!” Layla shouted.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

  “Do what she said,” Agnus whimpered from the floor. “Trust the elf!”

  “Fine,” I said. I didn’t like this. Not one bit. A moving target would enhance our chances of escaping, and there was no way B’iff’s truck could outrun the Eclipse. Evasive maneuvers made sense
.

  Layla pulled back her bowstring and released the arrow.

  “Bullseye!” she exclaimed.

  I checked my mirror. B’iff’s truck was swerving, trying to maintain control. “You hit his tire! How the hell!”

  Layla shrugged. “I’m good.”

  “I’d say so.” I chuckled.

  Another BANG.

  The Eclipse started to swerve.

  “Shit! He got our tire now.”

  “Pull over, Caspar.”

  “Hell, no! He has a gun!”

  “Whatever. I have a bow.”

  “Gun trumps bow!”

  “No, it doesn’t. That orc couldn’t have spent more than a few days firing a gun to practice. I’ve been shooting a bow my whole life. Trust me.”

  “Trust the elf!” Agnus shouted again.

  “Not happening. He hit my rear tire. You got his front tire. We have the advantage. And I still see the glow. He doesn’t have the Blade of Echoes. It’s moving, but he doesn’t have it.”

  “That doesn’t make sense! If he doesn’t have it on him, he knows where it is! We have to stop!”

  “Caspar, you need to listen to Layla!” Agnus said as he darted through the back seat and leaped out the broken-out rear window.

  “Fuck! That damn cat!”

  “Pull over. Now!”

  “Fine.”

  I gripped the steering wheel tightly. It was still shaking a little on account of my shredded driver’s side rear tire.

  I hadn’t even come to a complete stop when Layla threw open her door and did a somersault, bow in hand, into the ditch alongside the highway.

  As soon as the car stopped, I crouched in my seat. She might have a slim chance against a gun with her bow, but I was unarmed. Plus, if B’iff killed me, Layla would die, too. Playing the coward made sense.

  I heard a loud meow.

  Then a scream. It wasn’t Layla. It was a deep voice, a gravelly male voice.

  I couldn’t help my curiosity. I reached up and angled the side mirror to get the best and safest view I could. Agnus was all over B’iff’s face. The giant flailed as my cat went nuts on his dome. The decision not to de-claw him was finally paying off.