by K. G. Reuss
Without a second thought, I leaned forward and planted my lips gently on the scar. He sucked in a ragged breath.
"My dad used to kiss my injuries and tell me, ‘The pain you feel today will be the strength you'll have for tomorrow.’ I never really understood what he meant until I got older." I blushed, giving Brax a sad smile. "But you and I, I think we both know a little bit about that, huh?"
"Yes," he murmured.
"I think all our scars are roadmaps," I continued. "They tell our story—the places we've been and the things we've experienced. I try to be positive. I try to be proud and thankful. But how can I be thankful for such a hard journey?"
"Oh, Mags," Brax’s voice was strained. "You're the strongest girl I know. I swear things won't always be this bad. I'll do whatever I can to make sure things change for you." He reached out and stroked my cheek. "Talk to me about it. Tell me everything."
"Will you tell me about your scar?" I asked, knowing it was a story I might not want to hear because of how tragic it was.
"Yeah," he answered. "Someday. But today is your day. Tell me about you."
“It started when I was thirteen,” I began. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. I-I just can’t take it anymore! I need to tell someone. I have to.” I just didn’t want to burden anyone! It wasn’t fair to them.
“I want to know everything,” Brax murmured. “Tell me, angel.”
“You have to promise you won’t do anything, Brax. Swear to me!” What if he got too involved and got hurt? I’d never forgive myself.
“I-I swear that I’ll try,” he growled. I looked at him for a moment, deciding I was going to die inside if I kept the horrible secret any longer. Corbin knew. Just not to this extent. I let my dress fall to the floor, exposing years of abuse.
“Maggie,” Brax’s voice was choked as he reached out to me. He touched my ribs. He touched my tummy. He walked around me and took in every scar my body held. My flesh had embraced and immortalized each wound, while my heart chronicled each tragedy.
“What does he do to you?” he asked, his voice low.
“He hits me. Punishes me for everything I do. Everything I don’t do. He punishes me for my mother. He punishes me to punish himself. He punishes me because I won’t break for him.” I clenched my teeth, angry that I’d been a victim for so long, all the ugly memories bombarding me.
“What else?” Brax asked, moving my ponytail aside as he continued to examine me.“He makes me take my clothes off for him,” I admitted, my voice shaking with sadness. “He lies with me sometimes at night. When my mom’s too drunk to realize it, he comes into my room and makes me take my pajamas off. I used to fight him. Now, I do what he asks.”
“He makes you get naked for him?”
“No, he lets me leave on my bra and panties,” I whispered.
“Does he touch you, angel? Has he ever touched you aside from beating you?”
“Not-not really. He gets naked sometimes. He rubs against me. Until… You know. But I’m afraid he’ll push what he does do further someday. I just wanted to tell someone. It’s been eating at me for years. I needed someone to know. My mom—she drinks it all away. I-I want to as well. I want to die, Brax!” Saying the words aloud was like a breath of fresh air. It was out in the open. I could breathe. I could breathe!
Take me away! Please, Brax, take me away!
“No.” He shook his head. “No! Don’t ever say that again!”
“I am truly nothing, Brax. I can’t even keep my own boyfriend happy. He left me because I’m damaged. I know that’s why. I’m too afraid to be with him the way he wants. I was going to try tonight. But I knew that once he saw me—the me I hide—that he wouldn’t want me. That’s why I-I haven’t really done anything with him. I was afraid. I was afraid he’d be disgusted by me. I was afraid he’d hate me because of what I have to do to survive my life. Our end, me and Lance, was inevitable. I’m so broken. I want a release. I want to die. I do. I want to return to nothing, because it really is what I am. No one will ever want me. Not like this!”
“Maggie,” Brax said gently.
“I want to escape, Brax. Help me escape. Please.”
“No,” he repeated. “Death isn’t the answer.” He thumbed my bottom lip gently. There was that surge of energy through me again. “You will not return to nothing, Maggie. You want to know why?”
“Why?” I asked, desperately wanting him to restore the faith that was slipping from my grasp.
“Because,” he answered simply, “you are everything. You are not a nothing. Death isn’t the end for you, Maggie. You’re so much more than you believe.”
“You speak as if you know,” I said.
“I know you.” He thumbed my bottom lip again. “I don’t need to know your story to know who you are and what you’ll become. Trust me, Maggie. You’re meant to be more than a fading memory. Like they say, legends never die. You can’t die. I won’t let you.”
I smiled at him as a tear fell from my eye. Brax wiped it away and took a step forward so his body was nearly flush with my nearly naked one. I felt safe next to him. Complete. Or as complete as I could be given how screwed up and broken as I was.
“I want you to be safe, Maggie,” Brax’s voice was laced with emotion. “You told me a secret tonight, and so I’ll tell you one. My name—my true name—is Abraxas Niberius Shepherd. You can’t ever tell anyone, OK? It’s our secret. But whenever you need me, just whisper my name, think of me. I’ll be there. Always.”
“You swear it?" I asked, knowing deep in my heart that he’d just revealed a major secret to me. It was just his name, but it felt like a dangerous weapon and if wielded improperly, could have devastating effects.
“On everything I wish I was,” he answered, wrapping a blanket over me and planting a kiss on my forehead.
Chapter 49
Something changed between us that night. I think we both knew it, but neither of us wanted to admit it out loud. And that was OK. I was content knowing we were friends. He’d taken care of me when I’d needed someone the most. And in a way, I guessed I took care of him too.
And maybe it was my grief, imagination, or desire to believe in something, but I felt like it was him holding me in my darkest moments, making the pain and heartbreak go away. It seemed silly, but I couldn’t deny that something was truly happening when I cried. I wasn’t alone. I couldn’t be.
For weeks, I ignored Lance’s calls and avoided him at school. I couldn’t bear to look at him. His betrayal hurt too deeply. In letting Brax further into my heart, I pushed everyone else out. After my fallout with the boy who’d always put me first, I didn’t trust my judgement. Whenever Corbin came to visit, I turned him away. Brax was the only one I let in. When he called to cash in his rain check to go listen to some bands, I was beside myself with joy. I needed a break from everything and checking out bands for the carnival seemed like the perfect thing to do.
The night we checked out bands was a night I’d remember forever. When he picked me up, the look on his face said everything my heart had been whispering to me.
He cared as much as I did.
And when he danced with me again, I felt it clear to my bones. I was tired of denying it. And I think he was too. After our night out, we stood holding one another in his garage. I’d never been held like that before or held anyone that way. It felt real. Raw. Honest.
He cared. He saw me for me, without any of the frills I tried to dress myself in to appear normal and adjusted. He knew my broken soul and still cared enough to make me smile.
Later that night, we fell asleep in one another’s arms. And when the nightmares came like they always did, he held me through them. He was there. Always. And I had this feeling as I snuggled deeper into his arms, he always would be. No questions asked.
Chapter 50
“Angel,” Brax’s soft voice called out to me the morning after we’d gone to listen to the bands. I opened my eyes to find Brax’s beautiful face looking down at me
, me still in his arms.
“Hey.” I smiled at him, my heart fluttering wildly.
“It’s late.”
“Mm, I don’t care,” I snuggled closer to him, breathing him in. We were tangled up in one another, my leg over his. “You’re quickly becoming my bad influence.”
“Am I?” he asked softly, his fingers gently brushing my hair aside. “Well, I think you’re my good influence.”
“I think I am, too,” I whispered. “I know you aren’t really my bad influence, OK, Brax? We’re both a couple of screwed-up people, but I think together we make a good team.”
“Why are you here with me, Maggie?” he asked. He sounded vulnerable and afraid. “If you know I’m screwed up, why do you hang around with me?”
“Because I see you for you,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “I see what you are, what you could be. You aren’t the horrible creature you think you are, Brax. I see your pain in your eyes when I look at you. You have a story to tell me, yet you won’t.” I sat up and leaned over him. “I want you to know that I’ll save you from whatever you’re running from if it’s the last thing I do. You deserve to be free from your demons.”
It was the absolute truth. A night with him, both of us free to just be, had made me realize how very much we needed one another. And maybe I’d had it wrong the entire time. Maybe Corbin was right. I did need Brax. He needed me. I’d been denying it for so long that when I realized it, it left me feeling like I’d been sucked into a whirlwind.
“What if I am the demon?” he asked thickly, stroking my hair. “How would you save me from myself? How would you save me from the monster I’ve become?”
“I’d fight for your soul,” I replied. Something about his words ignited a fire within me. Suddenly I felt maybe there was more to everything than I’d originally thought. Something darker. Something that scared me. For the first time ever, I considered that maybe he wasn’t what I thought he was.
But he’d tell me. I knew he would when he was ready. His heartbeat didn’t fill my ear when I’d laid my head on his chest. I ignored it like it was nothing. But it was definitely something. My feelings would never change. “I’d fight until the last breath left my body.”
“A wise man once said, ‘Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process, he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.’” He quoted Friedrich Nietzsche, his blue eyes searching mine. It didn’t matter to me. I’d save him. He could be the most wicked creature to ever walk the Earth, and I’d still save him. That’s how deep my feelings ran for the man who held me. We hadn’t said the words. It had been weeks since Lance and I broke up. I’d thought he was the one. But he wasn’t. He was just leading me to the path of Brax. I didn’t feel like we needed to say the words. Not yet. Not when we were just discovering them. We just knew. I knew we did. And that was enough.
“If I became your kind of monster, at least we’d live happily ever after,” I said, reaching out and tracing his lips again, the desire to have all my skin on him overpowering me.
“Monsters don’t live happily ever after, angel,” he said as my fingers continued to trace over his beautiful face. He closed his eyes as I stroked his hair, and he let out a low hum of contentment as I tugged the strands gently.
I wasn’t sure what to say to him. Maybe we were both monsters, just from different worlds. But maybe if I became his kind of monster, we could live out a happily ever after.
“You’re beautiful, Magdalena Westbrook. Inside and out. You’re going to do great things someday. Don’t ever forget that, and I will exist in contentment knowing you succeeded and your dreams came true. Promise me, you’ll stay true to your heart. Always.”
“I promise,” I said in the quietest voice, my eyes drinking him in. I wanted to memorize the tender moment. I wanted to be able to look back on it someday and realize it was the moment I admitted to myself that I was meant for the man beside me and he was meant for me.
Chapter 51
“Hey, there!” Zach called out to us as we walked into our favorite hangout. Everyone was there—with the exception of Lance, for which I was grateful.
“Hey,” Brax greeted them, giving the guys a handshake as we slid into the circular booth. “How you guys doing?”
“Awesome.” Andrew smiled, looking back and forth between me and Brax. “How are you two doing?”
“Fine,” Brax replied, acting like nothing had transpired between us.
“You’re not pregnant yet?” Jess’s snarky voice called out bitterly to me. I frowned, fidgeting beside Brax. I knew she’d be mad. She wanted Brax. Just as I was about to get up and walk away and tell Brax I’d just meet up with him later, his arm wound its way around my shoulders and pulled me close to him. Immediately I relaxed, feeling safe and invincible against anything anyone had to say. “I figured with all the nights you’ve spent at Brax’s place, he’d have you knocked up by now.”
“Oh, come on, Jess,” Brax answered smoothly, planting a tender kiss on my temple, sending a zing of heat shooting through my body. “I don’t want to impregnate Maggie until after she finishes college. Right, angel?”
I wasn’t sure what came over me. I leaned in and nuzzled his neck with my nose and planted a series of kisses along his skin all while breathing him in. It was intoxicating.
“You keep doing that, and you may find yourself back at my place tonight instead of yours,” he growled in my ear as he kissed me back in the same places I’d been kissing him.“Whoa.” Zach’s laughter pulled us out our own little slice of Heaven, reminding us we had an audience.
“So, you two are dating now? What about Lance?” Andrew asked as we broke apart.
“Uh,” Brax glanced at me. We weren’t dating or doing anything. We hadn’t even discussed it.
“We aren’t labeling it,” I jumped in, not wanting to leave him floundering. “And Lance and I weren't really serious either. In case you didn’t notice, he moved on seconds after he decided we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I’m just finally realizing the appeal of… dating. But Brax and I currently have an extreme like for one another’s company,” I added, smiling at Brax. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze, sending energy surging through me again.
“Hey,” Lance called out, coming to stand at our table with a girl in tow. I bristled. We hadn’t spoken or seen each other since we broke up. I was still heartbroken over his betrayal. The idea that maybe he never cared about me as much as he’d said was something that haunted me every night as I lay awake in bed. He’d certainly wasted no time in moving on.
“Man, what’s up?” Zach greeted him. Jess looked at the girl and scowled even more.
“I’m actually here to see Brax,” he said, his eyes shifting between me and Brax, finally coming to rest on our hands. His mouth tightened into a thin, straight line. He was mad. But he had no right to be. He was the one who’d left me! Deep down I was secretly glad because I’d have never admitted my feelings for Brax to myself if I was still with Lance. I’d have continued to push them away. So in a way, I owed Lance a thank you. I just wasn’t so sure I was ready to give it to him. I’d lost my trust in him, that was for sure.
“Dude, chill. You guys can talk later. We haven’t all hung out in a long time. Let’s just take this time and be cool, OK?” Zach said. Lance let out a sigh and sat down, the girl sitting beside him.
“Guys, this is Claire Bilson. She goes to St. Michael’s across town,” Lance said, and she nodded politely. Brax didn’t seem happy about her appearance.
Everyone was polite and greeted Claire. I sat quietly beside Brax as everyone broke into conversation.
“Hi,” Claire said softly to me. I swallowed hard. For some odd reason, there was an intense pull to her. I’d never felt anything like it. I immediately wanted to know more about her, and not because she’d shown up with Lance. It was something else.
“Hi,” I answered, giving her a tentative smile. It didn�
�t take her long to move Brax aside and sit beside me. We fell into easy conversation. She was friendly, her eyes bright as she asked me about my lip gloss.
“It’s cherry flavored, but you can get it in all sorts of flavors,” I supplied with a smile. “Even cotton candy!”
“I love cotton candy,” she gushed, her eyes bright.
“They even have an eyeshadow called candy apple. It’s a whole line called Carnival. It has all sorts of bright colors! I’ve actually bought everything in the line, even if I’ll never wear it,” I admitted sheepishly.
“I did that with that unicorn line that Plus Designs came out with!” She giggled making me laugh along with her. Out of the corner of my eye I caught Brax glancing at us, a tiny smile on his lips.
“Hey Brax, do you mind if Claire and I come to your Halloween party?” Lance asked, pulling my attention away from Claire. Brax had promised to give me a Halloween party so I could be someone else for a night. It was one of the best gifts ever offered to me.
“That’s up to Maggie. It’s her party. I’m just providing the venue.” Brax’s eyes swept over me quickly.
“So, Maggie…” Lance cleared his throat.
I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I didn’t hate him. It wasn’t in my heart to hate him. I reminded myself that if he hadn’t broken my heart then Brax wouldn’t have been there to mend it. In a weird way, I owed him.
“Do you care if we come to the party?” he asked nervously.
I fiddled with the paper from my straw, trying to calm my heart. I was still mad at him. So mad. But, I had to look at the bigger picture, and that was Brax. “If you want to, it’s fine. Just remember, it’s a costume party.”
