Follow the white pebbles
Page 19
He had said the most outrageous things to that odd, mousy woman. But even now, after he’d calmed down a little, he would go back without hesitation and be grossly offensive to the sense of decency. Again and again. For her to suggest that he should prepare for… Unshed tears choked him as he refused to finish the silent sentence.
He stopped in front of room 42 and flattened his hands on the door, resting his head on the cold wood. God was his only witness that he had just tried to make Kate understand that it was all over between them. Blinding fury started pounding inside his chest. What on earth was he doing? He was already turning from executioner into a coward who was trying to find excuses. Lizzie was lying on that bed behind this door because of him, period. Not because of her medical condition. She could have been diagnosed at a later time and treated like thousands of other people, without having to resort to such extreme measures such as heart transplantation. He wanted to smash his head against the door, again and again.
“Are you all right, sir?” A nurse stopped for a moment to look him up and down with inquisitive eyes.
He nodded and pushed the door open.
Lizzie was lying in the middle of the bed, her fragile body wreathed with too many medical tubes that ran from the oxygen mask, heart monitor and IV connections. Her grey complexion and dark circles underneath her eyes made his heart sink. She appeared spent and frail, as if the specter of death was hovering over her, waiting for her last shred of energy to ebb away.
He walked to the bed and sat down at her side, taking her limp hand into his. Her eyelids fluttered and half opened, making his heart take a painful leap. He let his fingers run up and down her cheek for a long time without saying anything at all. She closed her eyes to take in the feel, and only opened them again when he withdrew. Muffled words wafted unintelligibly from underneath her oxygen mask. He hesitated a little then pulled the mask away, gently removing its retaining rubbers from behind her head. His fingers recommenced the up-and-down running along her cheek in a tender caress.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry.” His voice choked under the weight of his tears.
“It’s okay,” she whispered hoarsely. “It’s not your fault.”
He stared at her with incredulous eyes, not believing what he’d just heard. “It is, Jimmy,” he said brokenly. “But I want you to know why I’ve done it.”
She shook her head almost imperceptibly. “There’s no need to tell me,” she kept whispering, taking harsh, labored breaths. “I understand.”
She was shutting him out, he realized. He will never have a chance to explain. Unbearable pain tore at his heart.
“Please forgive me,” he begged, feeling the tears sting at the back of his eyes.
She lifted her hand to cup his cheek. “There’s nothin’ to forgive, Justin. Never ask for forgiveness cuz’ you’re in love with a woman. Lovin’ is never a sin,” she said.
Shock and disbelief catapulted his heart into a savage stampede.
“But I don’t love her,” he managed to utter. “I never did. I love you, Jimmy.”
A tear streamed from the corner of her eye toward the line of her hair just above her cheek bone.
“You don’t love me, Justin,” she sobbed softly. “You just believe you do, cuz’ I changed.”
He shook his head without speaking, his face contracted with pain. “I loved you from the moment I held you in my arms that morning when you cried because I took your red glasses away,” he finally said. “I probably loved you before that, but I didn’t know it, because I was an arrogant imbecile, too busy looking up other skirts.”
The heart monitor started beeping out of control as her eyes lost their focus, and he could only see their whites.
“Jimmy!” he screamed, leaning over her. “Jimmy, come back to me!”
Two nurses bolted through the door and shoved him off the bed, almost throwing him on the floor. They leaned over Lizzie, fiddling with the tubes, checking her vitals, while the monitor steadily slowed down, until the alarm stopped shrieking across the room.
“If you want to stay here, mister, make sure that you do not agitate the patient. Any intense emotion can trigger another heart attack,” one of the nurses said, glaring at Justin.
She reached out to pull the oxygen mask over Lizzie’s face. Lizzie shook her head.
“All right then,” the nurse said, “but only for a few minutes, then you’ll have to put it back on.”
Justin waited until the nurses left the room then he went back to sit on the bed.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, kissing Lizzie’s hand. “I’m so scared to say it again.” He smiled weakly.
“Say it.” She tried to smile back.
He looked into her eyes with all the tenderness that filled his heart and murmured the words, simple and pure, just as he felt them right down to the core of his soul. “I love you.”
Lizzie cupped her hand again around his cheek. “Remember our game of Truth or Dare when you asked me ‘bout my first kiss?” She gently grazed his unshaved skin with the pad of her thumb.
Of course he did. She had replied: “It was the best thing ever,” making disappointment bite at his heart. He nodded.
Her thumb kept caressing his cheek as she fought hard to keep her hand up. Justin placed his hand over hers to hold it in place.
“My first kiss was on our wedding day,” she whispered. Another tear ran from the corner of her eye. “At the church.”
“Oh, my God.”
He let the tears flow while he kissed her hands, her wrists and her forehead, again and again.
“Don’t worry, Justin,” Lizzie murmured. “I made a deal with God. I told him I knew he has a long, long waiting list for doin’ miracles, but I was sure there are always vacant spots in a prime position cuz’ heaps of people die before they get their wishes granted, don’t they? So I asked God to sneak me in. Promised him I won’t tell a damn soul. Except for you.”
She knows how close she is to dying. Justin’s cries turned to heartrending sobs as he lay down next to her and wrapped her in his arms, holding her close.
Lizzie took in the feel and scent of him with hunger and desperation, her eyes glued on the clock on the wall. Its hands were moving faster than ever. Accelerating.
“Promise you’ll stay with me, Jimmy,” he begged almost inaudibly. “Promise.”
She finally let the tears flow freely down her face. “I ain’t goin’ anywhere, Justin Winters,” she said, biting hard on her lip until she felt the skin crack under the pressure of her teeth. “You don’t know a damn thing about me. I’ll stay, cuz’ I’m a fighter.”
EPILOGUE
Diary of Jimmy Winters
PRIVATE PROPERTY - DO NOT TOUCH!
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again!
‘August 7th, 2013
Dear God,
I thought I should say thanks. First, for overlooking, or even better, forgiving my past behavior. Well, about forgiveness, I’ll find out when I push up daisies and I’ll go to either heaven or hell. Secondly, thanks for listening. Sorry for doubting you. I really am. Please forgive me for everything I’ve ever said that wasn’t fair to you. I’m only human and imperfect, maybe a lot more than the standard girl cuz’ you gave me a second chance to life, so you must have taken a big slice from somewhere else to make it even. I’m gonna stop writing now cuz’ my water broke and it hurts like hell. Sorry, sorry, I’ll cross that. I promised I won’t swear anymore. Ouch! It hurts! I have to call Justin and tell him to come home, but I dunno how to use this damn contraption. He said it’s the newest IPhone, but how the hell are people supposed to phone with it if it’s got no buttons? Sorry, sorry! I said ‘hell’ again. I’ll cross that. But it hurts! Damn, I have no idea how I’m gonna deal with twins. Ouch, ouch, ouch! God, it hurts like hell!’
Diary of Madeline Wilburn
‘December 25th, 2012
Donating an organ is a gift of life. A candle offering its dying fl
ame to one that cannot live without its fire. Yet most people let their flame waste away without passing it on to another. If we all fought hard enough, miracles would no longer stand as marvelous events to be ascribed to supernatural intervention. After all, if we play a little with the letters of the word ‘MIRACLE’, we will find a hidden message that perhaps God himself has put in it: ‘RECLAIM’. It is indeed up to us to become able to legitimately reclaim the miracles as being our own making. So let us all remember: offering the gift of life is a miracle in its own right.’
THE END