“No, I learned my lesson last time I told you one,” he said chuckling, “and ended up having to take you to fancy restaurants on our dates from there on out. I got a job! Well sort of a job. It doesn’t actually pay anything, but I do get all the free concerts that I want.”
I chuckled slightly despite myself, only Parker would be excited about a job that only paid in free tickets. “That is awesome! I’m happy for you.” And I was. He deserved good things.
“Calla, are you sure everything’s okay.” I could almost see his eyebrows draw together and the way he’d purse his lips when he was worried about me. “You’re sounding really weird. Do you need me to come over there? I don’t have any classes until tomorrow afternoon.”
“No, no. Like I said earlier, I just needed a friendly-familiar voice to talk to.” I paused and took a deep breath. “Beck’s here,” I whispered finally.
“What?” he yelled into the phone, making me jump and hold the phone away from my ear. “Right now?”
“No, of course not right now,” I snapped, then immediately felt guilty. I sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, Parker. He said he couldn’t be around me.”
Parker was silent for a long time. I knew exactly what he was going to say. “Did you tell him?”
“No.” I groaned. “I didn’t know how. And maybe its better he doesn’t know, you know? Maybe this is the way things are meant to be with us.”
I was trying to rationalize my decision to keep quiet. Parker had always thought I should have told Beck everything from the start. But, a lot of good that would do now. Everything was already ruined.
“It’s not better. Calla, you can’t let him think the worst of Ash, of himself. And of you. Besides, this is hurting you, too. You will never move on without it all being out in the open.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I didn't and instead, stayed silent. Of course I was hurting but that was nothing compared to what Ash or Beck had been going through. I had a chance to set things right, to get help. I was too selfish to do anything.
“You called Ash again, didn’t you?” It wasn’t a question. I detected a hint of resignation in his statement. “He won’t answer the phone or call you back, Calla. You have to let it go.”
“I just wanted to hear his voice,” I whispered. Tears pricked in my eyes and I quickly blinked them away, unwilling to open that vault.
We were both quiet together, not sure what to say anymore.
Finally, Parker spoke up with a smile back in his voice. “Hey, do you want to watch old SNL clips with me on YouTube? We can stay on the phone and it’ll be like we’re in the same room.”
I smiled a whole, real smile. We used to do that when he first left for college. It was an incredible time suck and strangely fun. But I wasn’t in the mood.
“Maybe another time. I think I’m going to take a walk and maybe grab a milkshake or something.”
“Okay, but will you please text me when you get back?”
“Yes, Dad,” I said with an eye roll even though he couldn’t see it.
I hung up and threw a hoody and my ballet flats on, and headed out.
I made my way off campus, taking my time as I walked to the Sonic nearby. A few blocks down, I came up to a small church. There was music coming from inside, a soft piano was playing and voices were singing “In the Garden.”
I stopped and listened for a minute to the words. This used to be my favorite song and I remembered how I used to sing this for a special all of the time.
And He walks with me, and He talks with me. And He tells me I am His own. And the joy we share as we tarry there. None other has ever known.
There was once a time when those words brought comfort and peace. Now, I wasn’t sure how they made me feel. I was still so angry, and couldn’t understand why God had turned His back on me when I needed Him the most.
I contemplated whether I should go in, but quickly decided not to waste my time.
I started to walk away, but movement in the window caused me to stop. I squinted to try and see better, but the window was dirty and hard to see through. Whoever was there leaned in closer to it, giving me a better look at them. An older lady with short white hair stood there looking at me. She gave me a small smile and then walked away.
I left right after that, and a few minutes later, I was at Sonic. I ordered an Oreo milkshake and waited while it was made. The teen girl that took my order handed it to me, and I immediately took a drink of it before finding a seat. I tried to shove aside the feeling that I’d just replaced God with comfort food. It was an uneasy feeling.
Not really wanting to go back to the dorm, I found a quiet picnic table in the corner of the outdoor seating area. It was the perfect place to people watch, out of the way where I was spotted easily, but gave me the chance to watch everyone here.
There was a young couple, probably a few years older than me, they were both sporting wedding bands, and had a little baby with them. The baby was enjoying the vanilla soft-serve ice cream her mom was feeding her. She had it running down her little chin and onto her pink sundress. They were so happy, so close. It made my chest tighten.
I turned away and focused on a group of college students that had just sat down, a few tables away from me. It came so easy for them. They didn’t have to pretend to be enjoying themselves or worry about someone seeing through their fake smiles. I studied them more closely, watching their laughter and camaraderie. Then, as I was watching them I saw a guy sit down wearing a Braves cap. I stiffened when I realized it was Beck. I wanted to look away, so badly, but I couldn’t. My eyes were stuck on him.
As if sensing my eyes on him, Beck scanned the area and found me. He stared back at me for a second and then, as if I was just a stranger, looked away and started joking along with his friends.
I sucked in a breath, the ache in my chest turning into a sharp pain at his blatant dismissal. I decided that being stuck in the dorm room was much better than prolonging this torture, so I stood quickly, knocking over my empty cup and scrambling to snatch it up before I caused any more of a scene.
I started marching out of the grassy eating area but paused when I heard someone calling my name. I turned to see who it was, and noticed a girl looking at me. She was sitting at the same table with Beck. She looked familiar. As I studied her, I realized that we had a couple classes together. She had always seemed friendly, but I honestly had no clue how she knew my name.
She motioned me to come over to their table, and I hesitantly made my way over there. I wasn’t really sure how to act towards Beck. But since he was ignoring me anyway, I guess I could try to make a new friend. A lot of bad things were my fault, but being at the same school as him wasn’t one of them. As I got to their table the girl stood up and gave me a hug. I reluctantly hugged her back. I didn’t really do the whole ‘hug a stranger’ thing, but girls typically were big into it.
“I thought that was you. I saw you sitting there and wanted to see if you wanted to sit with us, but then you started to leave before I got the chance. Thankfully, Beck knew your name, or else I would have yelled something like ‘lonely girl’ at you.” She smiled and took a breath. My mouth was open but no sound came out right away. She stuck out her hand. “I’m Isabelle by the way. We’ve never actually met.”
“Nice to meet you.” I stared down at her hand and took it mechanically. I had to fight the urge to not look at Beck.
“So how do you and Beck know each other?” she asked.
“Oh, we’re um… friends,” I told her, my eyes glancing to him. Beck never looked back over at me, just continued talking to the guy next to him. “We were friends,” I mumbled to myself.
Isabelle seemed oblivious to his cold brush-off and asked; well more like demanded that I sat with them.
I sat down and tried to make polite conversation but I really just wanted to get out of there. But when I saw Isabelle put her head on Becks shoulder, my heart dropped.
Beck responded, by actually flirting wi
th her like I was not even there. Like I meant nothing. I guess that was what I was, nothing to him anymore. I felt the tears coming. I turned quickly to wipe them away before anyone noticed. When I turned back, he was staring at me.
I quickly stood up, not able to sit here with him like we hadn’t known each other practically our whole lives.
“I’m sorry but I need to go,” I told Isabelle.
I gave her a fast thanks, and goodbye and left. My feet could not carry me fast enough. When I was out of their site, I began to run. Not looking where I was going, I ran into something hard. When I looked up, Parker was there looking down at me with concern, worry and anger.
“Whoa, what’s the rush?” Parker asked me, he then noticed that I was crying, and swiped my cheeks with his thumb. “Hey, why are you crying?”
“Wait, how come you’re here?” I asked him confused.
“When you called, I was already halfway here. I wanted to see you. Then after talking to you, I knew you weren’t being honest with me about being okay. Now tell me, why are you crying?”
If this was anyone else, I would have made up an excuse and not told them what happened. But this was Parker, and I’ve always been upfront with him, no matter what.
“I went to Sonic and got a milkshake, like I told you. Beck showed up with a group of his friends, and then this girl made me sit with them and he acted like I wasn’t even there. He even flirted with her in front of me. I knew he didn’t want me around but I never thought that he would actually intentionally hurt me.”
Parker let go of me, and started walking towards the seating area. I grabbed his arm, to try and stop him but he just shrugged my hand away.
I reluctantly followed him, the whole time trying to convince him to not talk to Beck.
When he got to the table, I noticed that Beck had moved away from the group and was sitting at the next table alone.
“Westin, we need to talk,” Parker shouted.
Beck looked up, a surprised look on his face, as Parker got closer to him. I stayed back a little, unsure of what I was even supposed to do.
“What do you need, Parker?” Beck asked, irritation lacing his voice.
“If you don’t want her in your life, that’s your decision, but stop trying to hurt her.”
“What do you know about what’s going on?” Beck asked, he stood up and faced Parker.
Parker didn’t respond, his silence answering him enough.
Beck narrowed his eyes at him, and then turned them on me. Hurt was flashing through them.
Parker didn’t wait for Beck to say anything,
“Who do you think she calls whenever she’s upset and crying? Which one of us was there forcing her to get out of her room. No one, not even her parents were able to get her out. She locked herself up for months. Who do you think got her out?” Parker replied harshly. “Me, not you. So I’m telling you, leave her alone. I know everything.”
“Everything?” Beck interrupted, and then he looked at me. “So you can tell Parker but not me? Why is that? You made me think that there was a chance for us. I waited around for you to show up for our date when you were at Ash’s house. Don’t you think I deserve to at least know the truth instead, why you did that to me?”
I felt myself tense up at his venom-laced words his emotions just beneath the surface. He had every right to hate me. I hated me. “I wanted a relationship with you, but there was something going on with Ash-he needed me. I couldn’t start a relationship with you, and be there for him,” I replied. “I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I’m keeping that promise to him.”
Beck started to say something, but by this point, I was so emotionally drained that I didn’t even hear what was being said.
We were making a scene, and the feeling of every one's eyes on me started to weigh down on me. I forced myself to breathe, and to focus on one thing. It wasn’t working, the pressure was getting stronger and I fell to the ground. I curled up into a ball, putting my head between my knees. I blocked it all out.
I don’t know how long I sat there. It all was a blur.
I could hear someone calling my name; the voice sounded gentle and caring. It soothed me, and I slowly started focusing on it.
“What’s happening to her?” the voice said. Beck’s voice. I didn’t think I would ever get to hear his voice like this again.
“She’ll be okay. She has been having these panic attacks. It hasn’t happened for a long time, but right after you left, this started to happen,” someone answered him.
“Calla, come on… wake up.”
It was a strange feeling; I was awake and fully aware of what was going on around me. Only, I couldn’t open my eyes.
Someone grabbed my hand, and when they rubbed my wrist with their thumb, I focused on that and slowly opened my eyes.
Beck was sitting next to me, so close I could smell his cologne. It was still the same as before, and it brought me comfort.
“Hey there,” he said to me when he noticed my eyes open. “You okay?”
I nodded and stared back at him.
I heard someone walking up to me and looked up to see Parker bending down to hand me a cup of water.
“Drink up Sleeping Beauty,” Parker teased me, but none of us laughed.
“I’m sorry,” I told them. I was embarrassed that Beck saw me like that. I never wanted him to know about my panic attacks.
“No need to be sorry. Let’s get you back to your room, okay?” Parker said standing up and reaching a hand down to help me up.
I grabbed it, and he pulled me up, causing me to break the hold Beck had on my other hand.
He led me towards the parking lot, neither one of us looking back at Beck.
He drove us back to my dorm, and when we entered my room, he sat down at my desk.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t mean to tell him that I knew everything. I probably just made it a thousand times harder for you now.”
“That’s okay; I know you were just trying to stick up for me. I really appreciate that, you know?”
He gave me a small smile.
“So are you really okay?” he asked me still trying to hold that smile on his face.
As I thought back, I started crying again. “Basically what I already told you. I’m so confused; I still feel that pull towards him. Like I know he’s in a room without ever seeing him. I look at him and pretty much know what he’s thinking by what kind of face he’s making. But… then there are times when I see him, and he’s a stranger to me. It’s like a completely different Beck.”
“He’s hurt Calla. You won’t tell him anything, and he knows there’s more to what happened. Put yourself in his position… wouldn’t you act the same way?”
“So you’re on his side, now?” I asked, knowing I was being ridiculous.
“No, I’m on your side, always your side Calla. I think that before things can get better you need to be honest with him.” He let out a loud sigh, getting up from the desk. “Look it’s late and I’m staying at a friend’s dorm, I better get going.”
He started putting his jacket on while looking over at me, almost as if he wanted to say something else. Whatever it was, it must have not been important, because he walked over to me and gave me a hug.
“Wanna grab some breakfast before I head back?” he asked still holding on to me.
“I can’t. I work the morning shift,” I answered, wishing I didn't have to go in. “I’m glad you were here.”
“Me too,” he said and walked to the door. He opened it, and then turned to me again. “It’ll work out, just start opening up to him.”
He walked out of the door, without saying goodbye. I knew he wasn’t mad, just worried about me.
I laid down in my bed, thinking about everything, reluctant to believe what Parker was saying. There was nothing to work out. This was my life now.
Chapter Six
Asher
Sophomore Year
“GRO
SS, I cannot believe you eat that stuff,” Delilah said as we were at dinner one night.
I called her the day after the reunion, a few weeks ago, and since then we’ve gone out a few times. I was hooked. The girl had completely blown me away. She was beautiful, smart and funny.
Tonight, we decided to get sushi for dinner. She was reluctant at first, not too keen on eating something that was “practically still swimming.” Her words, not mine. I pointed a few choices that weren’t so fresh, and she begrudgingly ordered those.
After dinner, I dropped her off back at her house. I walked her to the door the whole time wondering how to say goodbye to her. I finally decided to give her just a small kiss on her cheek. In which she returned with a shy smile, and a promise to go out with me again. I was still so pumped from our date that I decided to go over to Beck’s house.
It wasn’t too late, but his parents usually went to bed early, so instead of ringing the doorbell, I texted him when I got there.
After a few minutes, the light on the front porch came on and Beck opened it up.
“Hey man, what’s up?” he called out, as he opened the door wider to let me in.
“Nothing, just got done dropping Del off. Still can’t believe you never brought her around before,” I said raising an eyebrow at him. It was important to get a jab in at him as often as possible for keeping me from Delilah.
“Yeah, whatever…” he said, rolling his eyes in my direction. “ I’m glad things are going well with you two.”
We headed up to his room. Beck’s parents were well off, so his room was more like a hotel suite. There was a living room area, complete with a couch and a big flat-screen TV. On the screen was a paused Madden NFL game that he had been playing. We sat on the couch, and he un-paused his game and continued playing.
“Broke up with Mallory,” Beck said, not taking his eyes off the screen.
“You did? When?” I asked him confused. Things had seemed to be going a little better with them. He seemed to be getting a handle on his feelings for Cal, and looked to be paying more attention to Mallory.
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