“Today after school… You were right; I wasn’t being fair to her. The messed up thing is that she’s perfect for me… but I can’t turn off my feelings for Cal.”
His player was tackled on the forty-yard line, so he paused the game again and threw the controller next to him on the couch.
“You crashing here tonight?” he asked, changing the subject.
“Yeah, we have practice early, and I have all my gear in my car,” I answered.
He got up and grabbed some blankets from the hall closet, and an extra pillow. Handing them to me, he turned and got into his bed and turned to face the wall. Apparently, we were done talking altogether.
The next morning at practice, Coach had Beck and I running over a ton of pitches.
Beck signaled a fastball, so I wound up and put all of my strength behind that ball. Next was a slider, again focusing on the curve of the ball. It was perfect. The third pitch was signaled a fastball. Wanting to get a faster speed than the last one, I wound up, and put even more strength behind my throw. As soon as my arm was extended out, and I was releasing the ball, I felt a snap in my shoulder, followed by searing hot pain that ran all the way from my fingers to my shoulder.
I threw my glove down and used my good hand to grab my shoulder. The pain was so intense that I blacked out.
When I came to, I noticed Beck was standing over me with a worried look on his face. Our Coach was there holding an ice pack on my shoulder.
“Oh good, you’re awake. Can you stand?” Coach asked me.
I nodded and replied, “I think so,” and attempted to stand, but still felt a little wobbly. Beck reached around and grabbed my good arm to help steady me.
“Beck’s going to take you to the hospital to get that arm checked out. I’ll give your parents a call and have them meet you there. Sound good?” Coach asked as we made our way to Beck’s truck.
I nodded again and climbed up to the passenger side, disoriented at exactly what had happened to cause my arm to react the way that it did.
Later, after several hours that consisted of x-rays, an MRI, and a lot of waiting around, I was told that I needed surgery on my rotator cuff.
***
Calla
Now
A MUNDANE week had passed where nothing really happened. I hadn’t heard from Parker and now I really needed his help.
I pulled out my phone and hit send next to Parker’s name. When he answered, I did not even let him finish saying hello, before I blurted out my issue.
“Parker, I need a huge, huge favor,” I rushed out, without stopping for a breath.
“Why, hello to you too,” he drawled.
“Hi Parker,” I replied laughing. “Okay, be serious please. I need help. Liza is forcing me to attend another one of her “get togethers” and after last time, I cannot go alone. Will you please come with me?
“Okay, what kind of party is it?” he asked without hesitation.
“Really? That was so easy, I was expecting to have to beg and convince you to come. It’s a Halloween costume party, so I'll have something for us, can you be here around seven?”
“Yeah that shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Parker, thank you! Not just for this, for everything... You really are an amazing friend,” I told him.
“Whatever. See ya then,” he said as he hung up.
Friday night, I finished getting ready. Parker would love the costume I picked out for us. I was actually excited about tonight, not so much the party, but it had been awhile since I had seen Parker. Ever since the Sonic incident, he’d been acting a little distant. I had tried calling him a few times, but he never picked up. He would reply with a text instead.
Liza was going with Finn. He was a really nice guy, and it was very apparent that she really liked him. One thing about Liza was that she was scared of getting hurt. I’d asked her if it was something that happened in another relationship, but she never opened up about it with me.
I glanced at myself in the mirror and smoothed out my jean skirt. I had found these western style costumes at the local thrift store. I paired the jean skirt with a red flannel button up blouse. Thankfully, Liza had a pair of red cowboy boots that she let me borrow. I found a guy’s shirt that matched mine pretty well and told Parker to wear his jeans, cowboy hat and boots.
At about six forty-five, Parker knocked on my door. I let him in, and gave him a hug that he barely returned.
“Is everything okay?” He was looking everywhere in the room except at me.
“Just been thinking a lot about some things,” he answered. He walked over to my bed, and looked at the shirt I found for him. He picked it up and went into the bathroom to change.
Not wanting to ruin the night, I decided to drop it… for now.
As we headed into the party, I couldn’t help scanning the room for any sign of Beck. At that moment, I realized that I hadn’t thought this through all the way.
Parker was acting strange. His normally goofy mood has been replaced with something else. It was as if he didn’t want to be in the same room with me.
“What’s with you tonight?” I snapped after a good hour of silent awkwardness. “You know, if you didn’t want to come, you could have just said so.” I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
“That’s not it. Look can we talk later? Let’s not do this here,” he replied. My heart started beating against my chest, hard. He was pulling away. I was losing him too and I didn’t know what to do to stop it. He leaned away from me, the distance feeling a lot further than what it really was. He wouldn’t look at me, and seemed to be really interested in the video game that was being played on the big screen.
“Okay,” I muttered, not able to make eye contact with him.
Parker reached over and pulled my chin up so I was forced to look at him. “I’m not mad at you, I promise. I’ve just come to realize some things,” with all that said he turned around and headed to the food table.
We spent a couple hours at the party, visiting with people and playing games. Even with things feeling off with Parker, being with him felt so normal.
Parker got involved in some sort of “Call of Duty” tournament after a little while of watching them play. I decided to walk outside, where I saw some guys playing football. I found a quiet spot on the grass and watched the game.
Since it was dark out, I couldn’t really make out anyone’s faces, but I enjoyed the solitude of watching them, and hearing their back and forth banter.
As I was sitting there, the football landed right next to me. I picked it up and stood up, looking around to see who I was supposed to throw it to.
I heard a voice mockingly say, “We’ll just come over to you. There’s no way you can throw it that far to us.”
Then I heard a familiar voice, “Wanna bet on that?” I spotted him standing off to the side.
“Sure, twenty bucks says she can’t throw it to me,” the unfamiliar voice said.
“Double that. Forty bucks says she can,” Beck retorted.
All those years of him spending time with me, making sure that I didn’t throw like a girl were about to pay off. I smiled as I thought about all the times as kids; Beck would be embarrassed to have a girl hanging around.
I pulled my arm back, and threw the ball to the guy. He caught it easily and all the other guys started cracking up. I walked over to him, and gave him my most innocent smile. “Looks like you owe him some money.”
Beck gave me a knowing smile.
“Where did you learn to throw like that? I think you’re better than half the guys playing tonight,” the guy joked.
“I was trying to impress the guy that was trying to teach me, back in the day, so I took it seriously,” I shrugged looking at Beck to see his reaction.
Beck snapped his head in my direction, and made eye contact with me. The look on his face was one full of questions and hope. Our eyes were locked on each other, and everyone else sort of disappeared altogether.
Then the moment was broken. The hopefu
l expression that Beck had on his face was morphed into the angry look that I’ve grown used to seeing.
“And how did that turn out for you? Did you get the guy?” He asked in mocked innocence.
I turned around without saying anything further, and walked back towards the house. I could hear their chatter dissolving behind me. I found Parker in the kitchen and asked him if he was ready to leave.
He answered with a nod and we made our way out of the house and back to my dorm. The silence was getting to me, and I felt like I was about to explode from the uncomfortableness that was settling around us.
“Okay, what’s the deal?” I asked him as soon as my door closed.
“Wow, you’re jumping right into it, huh?” he replied. I scowled at him. “Okay, get that look off your face.”
He pulled me over to my bed and forced me to sit down next to him.
“I don’t even know where to start. I just realized that I can’t keep doing this with you,” he said.
“Doing what?” My tone must have sounded freaked out, because he quickly said,
“Hang on, let me finish. What I meant was I can’t keep pretending like you’re okay. I’ve made it easy for you not to deal with what has been happening.”
“Parker—” I tried to interrupt him but he put his hand up, looking at me seriously.
“I thought that I was helping you this whole time. You were so broken and I overlooked the way you were handling everything. Afraid that if I pushed you, you’d disappear for good. I was finally able to start to see you again, and I didn’t want to ruin that. Last week when you had your panic attack, it hit me... I haven’t been helping you at all. I’ve allowed you to pretend and not really deal with anything. You need to tell Beck everything, before you lose him for good. Maybe after you tell him, you’ll lose him anyway. But before you can move on, this has to be resolved with him.”
“I know, I’m realizing that I need to tell him everything,” I let out a long sigh. Worry and uneasiness have crept into my head.
“You won’t lose him. If he truly cares or even cared for you as much as he claims… you won’t lose him. I love you Calla, but I miss you. You have tried to push everyone away, including yourself. You have to heal yourself. I can’t do that for you and running away from everything won’t change or make anything better.”
I was left speechless, he was the one person that knew everything and yet, was still around.
That night after Parker left, I had a hard time falling asleep. Finally, I decided what I needed to do. He was right. It was far past time that I told Beck what really happened.
The next day, I went to Zombie’s hoping to catch him there. But he wasn’t there. I walked around campus for about an hour, searching for him. I walked through the quad, but still no luck.
Feeling a little hopeless, I decided to do the only thing I could think of to get a hold of him.
One ring. Maybe this was a bad idea. Two rings. Okay I should hang up. Three rings. Now or never, hang up.
“Hello,” Sylvie, Beck’s mom, answered. Oh, man. Can’t back out now.
“Hey Silvie, this is umm... this is Calla Jensen,” I replied.
“Oh honey, I can’t tell you how good it is to hear your voice. I’ve missed you, sweet cheeks,” she said. I laughed at the mention of the nickname she gave me when I first met Beck. His mom had always told me that I was like the daughter she never had.
“I’ve missed you too,” I told her. I honestly did. I hope she knew that I was being sincere.
“Well what can I do for you?” she asked getting to the point of my call.
“I need to find Beck. I need to talk to him. I’ve tried looking for him on campus, so I thought maybe you could help me out.”
“I would love to, but—” she paused taking a breath, “I promised to stay out of it.”
“Please, it’s important,” I begged her. When she hadn’t responded for a few seconds, I knew that she’s not going to budge. “At least give him a message for me?”
“Okay, I think I can do that. What’s it you want to tell him?”
“Tell him to give me a call,” I said. “Also, tell him that I miss him.”
After I long silence, I heard, “He misses you too, you know. I’ll be sure to give him the message,” followed by a goodbye before she hung up.
The ball was now in his court. I would just patiently wait until he called me. I could be patient.
Who was I trying to kid? I was going to be going out of my mind until he called me back.
Three days passed. Three very long days before Beck finally called. As I waited for him to call, I did nothing but go to class and work. I turned down Liza’s invitations to go out to eat or meet up with her friends. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else but Beck, and what I needed to tell him.
I was on my way to class. I almost ignored the call because I didn’t recognize the number. The call was short. We made plans to meet later that afternoon at the spot he found me in the quad.
My lecture drug on, and on. By the time we were dismissed, my nerves had gone into a frenzy.
As I made my way to the spot, I noticed that he was already sitting there. I needed to do this.
“Hey, thanks for meeting me,” I said as I sat down next to him on the grass. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me, which was probably for the best. I didn’t think I could get through this if I had to look into his dark eyes.
“Yeah, Mom said you needed to talk to me,” he said.
Okay now’s the time, just say it. Like ripping a Band-Aid off, just say it. The worst that could happen would be that he stopped talking to me… which wasn’t that far off from the way things were right now. But at least he’d know the truth.
“I needed to make sure that you knew that there was nothing happening with Ash and I. I was never pretending with you. And I was certainly not choosing to hang out with Ash instead of you. It wasn’t like you thought,” I told him quickly. It all came out in a rush and I was not sure from his silence that he had heard me at all.
I looked over at him, and he was staring at me. Trying to comprehend what I just admitted.
His gaze moved away towards the grass again. “Then why didn’t you just tell me? That day, when I saw you at his house, after you just cancelled on me again?”
“I promised Ash that I wouldn’t say anything about what was going on,” I answered.
“What was going on?” he asked a little irritated at my hesitation.
Rip that Band-Aid.
“Asher was addicted to pain pills. He didn’t want anyone to know. That’s why I didn’t tell you,” I admitted to him.
Beck started shaking his head. He had this baffled expression on his face. “No way… I would have known.”
“He was good at hiding it… but I found out one night when I was on my way home. I passed by their front walk and noticed someone sort of lying on their porch. I went over and saw that it was Ash. At first I thought it was Sam, because Ash was supposed to be hanging out with you. But as I got closer, I noticed his Braves cap lying next to him. I was so scared. I started shaking him and after a few times of that, he woke up. He didn’t seem high or anything, but he made me promise not to tell anyone.”
I paused to try to gain my thoughts about that night. Hindsight is a funny thing. All of this could and should have been prevented. I thought I was doing the right thing. Looking back, I knew what I should have done, right then, and not waited.
“He promised me that he was stopping. I helped him into his room. He even showed me the empty bottle from his surgery… I actually believed him. But then I started noticing little things that were off again. Even Delilah mentioned that he was behaving weird.”
Beck just sat there, staring down at his lap, probably trying to take in everything.
I continued, “I found him high a few more times after that, and every time I would threaten to tell his parents, but he always promised me that it was the last time. The night we were suppos
ed to meet at the lake, I went over to his house before I left. I stopped at his house to tell him that I was finally going to tell you how I really felt. I knocked on the front door a few times, but there wasn’t an answer, so I opened the door and went looking for Ash. I found him lying on his bed; the room reeked of vomit, which was all over the floor. He was awake so I wasn’t worried about him overdosing… but I ended up staying the night trying to convince him to get help. He finally agreed, and that’s when you came over, and well, you know the rest.”
Beck sat there completely silent, and so I decided to just let him have some time to process everything. I knew that he would probably blame me for everything that happened once he knew the whole truth.
I stood up and walked away. I decided on my way to meet him, that I would tell him the truth and then give him some space.
Chapter Seven
Asher
End of Sophomore Year
SURGERY.
The word any athlete hated to hear. And for a pitcher relying on being able to throw a ball, shoulder surgery was the absolute worst thing imaginable.
I was out for this season, and more than likely not fully up to par for my senior year. I hoped that it was enough to keep the college offers on the table that had been presented to me.
Beck, Cal and Delilah kept me occupied in the meantime. I think they could sense me stressing out about this. They had made it their mission to not let me dwell on everything that had been happening.
Today was Delilah’s turn, and even though I appreciated her willingness to spend time with me, even when I wasn’t the best company, I just wasn’t in the mood.
I had been researching alternate ways to have physical therapy to speed up the recovery time, but every time I mentioned it to my parents, they turned it down.
“So I was thinking we could maybe go grab a burger, then head to the movies. What do you think?” she asked.
“I’m not feeling like going out. My surgery is in a few days and I just want to be alone,” I answered with just a bit of harshness.
She flinched at my tone, and reached for her shoes that she had kicked off next to the couch.
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