Old Jews Telling Jokes

by Sam Hoffman

  The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A distinguished-looking man, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

  He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and young woman and tells them, “Your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take responsibility. I’ll cover all of her expenses and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

  “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath her a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a town house, a beachfront villa, and two million dollars in cash.

  “If a boy is born, my legacy will be a few factories and four million dollars.

  “If it’s twins, they will receive a factory and two million dollars each.

  “However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

  At this point, the father, who has remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You try again.”

  LARRY ZICKLIN

  Larry Zicklin is a clinical professor at New York University’s Stern School of Business. Before retiring, he was managing partner at Neuberger Berman.

  Generosity

  Max is at his golf club. He’s finished playing a round, showered and shaved, and is now getting dressed. The cellphone next to him rings; it’s on speaker. The voice on the other end says, “Honey, you there?”

  “Yes.”

  “Honey, you remember that mink coat I wanted to buy, but it was a little too expensive? The furrier called today. Instead of $18,000, he’s willing to give it to me for $16,500 and I bought it. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “You loved it. I’m glad you bought it.”

  “Also, the Mercedes. The auto dealer called. In this economy, he wants to get rid of his inventory. Instead of $86,000, it’s $78,000.

  “Can you get it with all the options?”

  “All the options.”

  “Buy it.”

  “And those three French dresses that I really wanted, that will last me the entire winter? Eleven thousand dollars. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “It’s okay if you want it.”

  “Thank you. You’re so generous, dear.”

  Max hangs up and finishes dressing. Everyone in the locker room is amazed that he’s been so generous with his wife.

  As he’s leaving, he turns to the locker room and says, “Anyone know who owns this cellphone?”

  ED KOCH

  Ed Koch was the mayor of New York City from 1977 through 1989. When I asked him if he would tell a joke for the site, he responded, “I don’t tell jokes. I tell anecdotes.” Always quick on my feet, I said, “You can do whatever you’d like, Mr. Mayor.”

  Campaign Stop

  I ran for mayor in 1977, and as I ran around town talking to people to encourage them to support me, I met with a group of two hundred elderly senior citizens, Jewish, in the Bronx.

  I was late. I had been in other parts of the city, and when I got to the Bronx, they were still waiting. It was ten o’clock at night.

  And when I walked in, there were some who were a little upset wondering how they were gonna get home that night without being mugged.

  I said to them, “I don’t have to tell you what the issue in this campaign is. You know it as well as I. It’s crime. Crime. And do you know that a judge that I know was mugged this week? And he called a press conference. And he said to those reporters, ‘This mugging will in no way affect my decisions and judgment in matters of this nature.’ ”

  And an elderly lady in the back of the room stood up and said, “Then mug him again.”

  Mitch Green

  (as told to him by his grandfather Al Scaduto)

  The Golden Toilet

  A couple is invited to a swanky dinner party. When they arrive, they are blown away: The mansion is immaculate, the wine is free-flowing, the food is top-notch, everything is perfect.

  Toward the end of the night, when everyone has consumed a fair share of wine, the husband excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

  When he gets back, he tells his wife, “Sadie, I knew the people who lived here were rich, but you have no idea!”

  Sadie replies, “What do you mean?”

  “The bathroom, you have to see it, they have golden toilets! Literally made of gold!”

  Sadie doesn’t believe her husband and refuses to go to the bathroom just to look at the toilets. The night goes on and Sadie’s husband keeps insisting that she go to look.

  They eventually leave, without Sadie going to look, but the next morning, Sadie’s husband is still going on and on about the golden toilet. Sadie finally gives in and decides they will go back to the mansion to look at the toilet. When the couple arrives at the mansion, they ring the doorbell and the butler answers.

  Sadie says, “I am so sorry to interrupt your day, but is the missus of the house available?”

  The missus comes to the door and asks, “How can I help you?”

  Sadie, extremely apologetic, starts talking. “I’m sorry to be rude, but my husband and I were here last night for the party, which was amazing! Thank you for hosting it; it was great. There is just one thing, though. My husband keeps insisting that you had a golden toilet, and I just had to see it for myself.”

  The missus of the house takes a long look at Sadie and her husband, turns around, and yells out, “Hey Morty, I know who shit in your tuba!”

  JIM ROSENTHAL

  James Rosenthal was born in Buenos Aires, Argentina. At the age of nine, Jimmy and his family set sail for the United States and settled in Brooklyn. After attending Brooklyn College, Jimmy entered the paint manufacturing business and ran a successful industrial paint company.

  The Treatment

  This lady is going out with her husband for a good day and he says to her, “Sadie, what’s the matter? You look unhappy.”

  She says, “Well, I’d like to have bigger breasts and I don’t know what to do; we can’t afford plastic surgery.”

  “You want bigger breasts?” he says.

  “Yes.”

  He says, “Well, I’ve got the secret. You take a roll of toilet paper and you rub it on your chest for five days.”

  “What’s that gonna do?”

  “I don’t know, but it worked on your ass.”

  5

  The Rabbi

  And You Shouldn’t Forget the Mohel

  THE RABBI! THE RABBI! TRADITION!

  Can’t you just see that sweet little bearded rabbi in Fiddler on the Roof sagaciously intoning “May the lord bless and keep the czar … far away from us”? Tradition!

  That’s when being a rabbi was being a rabbi!

  There was no Internet. There were no condo boards. There were no therapists!

  You had a question? Talk to the rabbi. You had a problem with your neighbor? Talk to the rabbi. You weren’t sure if the chicken was kosher? Talk to the rabbi. You were depressed?

  Talk to the rabbi.

  Rabbis were like super-Jews. If you think Jews can be know-it-alls, the rabbis knew more than all of them. They had the keys to the kingdom. They got to be wise, pious, and respected, but, unlike their Catholic counterparts, they didn’t have to take a vow of chastity. They had it all and good lovin’ too!

  But what’s in it for a rabbi today? Have MAO inhibitors basically undermined the need for faith-based counseling? Does the modern American Jew ever think to him or herself, Man, this is a sticky problem. I better go ask my rabbi about it.

  I spoke to my cousin, Rabbi Andy Busch, about this. He’s not the only rabbi I know, but he’s the only rabbi whose father tells a joke in this book. He told me, as you might expect, that rabbis are still pretty busy.

  While the therapists, counselors, and lawyers we see on a daily basis are all specialists, a rabbi can offer the benefit of being a generalist. The rabbi’s wider perspective includes not only some training in cou
nseling, but also larger issues of community, ethics, and Jewish tradition. He or she is not a “professional stranger” like your shrink but rather a part of your life—someone who just celebrated the birth of your child or presided over the memorial service of a relative.

  Yeah, I thought to myself, but you’re still a rabbi. And by that I mean, aren’t you going to make me feel guilty about not coming to temple on Shemini Atzeret or Simchas Torah?

  Andy said no. He doesn’t do that. On purpose, at least.

  But what of the mohel—the Master of the Shnip, the King of the Cut, the Prince of the Putz? Well, they never have to worry about their business.

  Why?

  Because they work for tips!

  JOEL LEIZER

  Joel Leizer runs an extremely busy dental practice and is a former president of the New Jersey Dental Association. He is an avid golfer and a proud grandfather, and his favorite time for a dental appointment is two-thirty.

  Oy. I know. Sorry.

  Pork

  There’s an old rabbi who wants to try eating pork before he dies. Being an orthodox rabbi, he can’t go ahead and eat pork in his community. So he decides to travel to a restaurant about fifty miles away.

  He goes into the restaurant, and on the menu is a dish called suckling pig. So he orders the suckling pig. And they bring it out on a beautiful, beautiful tray, with an apple in its mouth.

  Just as he’s about to take his first bite, in walks Goldberg, the president of his congregation. Goldberg says, “Rabbi! What are you doing, what are you eating?”

  The rabbi says, “Goldberg, can you believe this restaurant? I order a baked apple, this is how they serve it to me.”

  BARNETT HOFFMAN

  Barnett Hoffman, my dad, was a criminal judge in New Jersey for twenty years and would occasionally crack jokes from the bench. (Lawyers were not required to laugh but the smart ones did.) He was also the original casting director for this project.

  Questions for the Rabbi

  A gentile fellow who is going to marry a very ultra-Orthodox Jewish woman goes to see the ultra-Orthodox rabbi who converted him. It is the night before the wedding and the rabbi says to him, “Now, do you have any questions about tomorrow for the wedding?”

  “Yes, Rabbi, as a matter of fact I do. Tomorrow night, at the wedding, can I dance with my wife?”

  “Absolutely not. The men dance with the men. The women dance with the women.”

  “How about eating?”

  “Absolutely not. You cannot eat with your wife. The men eat with the men. The women eat with the women. Do you have any other questions?”

  “Well, Rabbi, while I have you here can I ask you some questions about sexual issues?”

  “Sure, ask whatever you want.”

  “Rabbi, with regard to positions: with the man on the top, the woman on the bottom, the missionary position.”

  “Well, we don’t call it that, but, it’s okay.”

  “How about with the woman on top and the man on bottom?”

  “It’s a little different, but there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “How about doggy style?”

  “Ooh, that’s a little kinky, but there’s nothing in Halacha that prevents it. Any other questions?”

  “Yes, Rabbi, one last question: How about doing it standing up?”

  “Absolutely not. That could lead to dancing.”

  MIKE LEIDERMAN

  When Mike Leiderman worked for NewsCenter5 in Chicago in the 1970s, he “had a reputation for coming up with some tricky off-the-wall stories,” including one about a seventy-three-year-old California Angels coach who once roomed with Babe Ruth.

  Stuck on the Toilet

  Abie and Becky are in bed and, of course, Abie always leaves the seat up when he goes to the toilet. Becky goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night, sits on the toilet, and—boom—she doesn’t know what’s going on, falls right in the toilet! Can’t get up! The suction is too much. She just can’t lift herself up and out of the toilet. She says, “Abie, Abie, help me!”

  Abie gets up and he starts pulling. Nothing’s happening. Finally, she says, “You’ve gotta call the EMTs! You’ve gotta call the medics!” So he gets up and calls the medics.

  Just as the medics are coming up the stairs, Becky realizes she’s naked. She says, “Abie, Abie, what am I gonna do? I’m naked! They’re going to see me naked!”

  He says, “Here, take this yarmulke; put it between your legs.” She does that.

  The firemen come up, and they’re banging, and they’re pulling and yanking, and finally the chief fireman says, “We’ve got a problem.”

  Abie says, “What is it?”

  So the fireman says, “Well, your wife’s gonna be fine, but we couldn’t save the rabbi.”

  HAROLD ZAPOLSKY

  Harold Zapolsky’s research interests are in theoretical physics, specifically in the areas of astrophysics and relativity. A good joke, according to Zapolsky, is either a slightly implausible tale, told with a straight face, about a perfectly plausible universe—or a plausible tale told about a slightly implausible universe. Either way, he notes, it is the sort of thing physicists do all the time.

  Clock Shop

  So this businessman is traveling through Europe, and his train stops in Zurich, Switzerland. And he knows that he’s got three hours to make his next connection, so he figures he’ll walk around the town a little bit.

  He gets off the train and takes a look at his watch, and he sees that his watch has stopped, which is kind of awkward. So he thinks, Well, it’s Switzerland, they’ve got to know about watches here. And he starts to walk around looking for a place, but it’s a Sunday and all the shops seem to be closed.

  Except, after about ten minutes, he sees this tiny little shop, and the window is completely filled with watches and clocks. And he says, “This is great. I wonder if he’s open.”

  Checks the front door, the door is open, he walks in, and out of the rear of the store comes this elderly fellow wearing a yarmulke and a prayer shawl. Of course he’s open on a Sunday; he’s Jewish.

  So the man says, “Look, I’ve got a terrible problem. I’m traveling through Europe. I have many meetings to make. I have many train connections to make. I’m going to stop in Geneva next and then Paris. And my watch has stopped on me, and I really can’t function without the use of my watch. Can you please fix it?”

  The man says, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I don’t know a thing about watches. I’m a mohel. I perform ritual circumcisions.”

  And the man says, “Wait a minute, though. Your window is full of watches and clocks.”

  The man says, “Well, if you were in my profession, what would you put in the window?”

  A Note About “Clock Shop”

  I’ve heard this joke a number of times and, although the details change, one thing is consistent. The mohel or mohels always keep clocks in their window.

  Why?

  My first instinct was the similarity between the word clocks and the actual subject of a circumcision.

  Here is Harry Zapolsky’s theory:

  I don’t really think there is a connection. The businessman needs to have some item repaired to set up the joke—and what is more obvious than a watch—and that, of course, leads naturally to a shop with watches and clocks in the window.

  This joke was first told to me by the wife of one of my grad school professors, at a student party sometime in the late fifties. At the time, it was considered to be highly risqué! O tempore, O mores. (Translation: “The times, they are a-changing.”)

  Zapolsky can think what he wants, but I’m sticking with my theory.

  Lauren Johnson

  Converting the Bear

  A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

  The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water
. Next week is his First Communion.”

  “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

  They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

  “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

  ANNIE KORZEN

  Annie Korzen is a writer and actress in Los Angeles. She has performed her solo show, Yenta Unplugged, on three continents.

  Good Value

  “Why are Jewish men circumcised?”

  “Because no Jewish woman will touch anything that’s not at least twenty percent off.”

  Mike Schwartz

  (as told to him by his friend Haig Shekerjian)

  The Ribbon Salesman

  There was an old ribbon salesman named Goldberg who would regularly visit a buyer he found to be quite coarse and even anti-Semitic. For twenty years Goldberg would knock on the door of the buyer, and for twenty years he would leave, never making a sale.

  One day, even before Goldberg could open his samples case, the buyer says, “Goldberg, tell ya what I’m going to do. I’ll buy enough ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis.”

  Goldberg says, “Thank you very much,” and leaves the office.

  The next day Goldberg gets a frantic call from the buyer. “Goldberg, there are tractor-trailer loads of ribbon coming into my warehouse. What’s going on?”