Old Jews Telling Jokes

by Sam Hoffman

  “And the sergeant barks at me, ‘If you don’t jump, I’m gonna fuck you up the ass.’ ”

  His friend says, “Did you jump?”

  He says, “A little at first.”

  HARRY MACKLOWE

  You know that awesome Apple Store on Fifth Avenue at Fifty-ninth Street? The one with a glass cube entrance sitting on the plaza above? Putting the store there was Harry Macklowe’s idea.

  Sam and Becky

  Sam and Becky are happily married for many, many years. They’re approaching their fortieth anniversary, and every night they make passionate love.

  Becky says to Sam, “You know something? You fill me with such enjoyment, but you always have the lights off. I’m going to turn the light on, for once.”

  And with that she reaches over and throws on the light switch. Then she looks down and sees Sam lying there, holding a vibrator.

  Becky says, “My God! How can you explain that!”

  Sam replies, “Darling, I can explain that if you can explain our two children.”

  JIM ROSENTHAL

  According to Rosenthal, any fame and fortune that he finds by telling these jokes will go toward rebuilding Grossinger’s, Brown’s, and all of the Jewish Alps resorts.

  Two Jewish Whales

  There are these two Jewish whales, swimming in the ocean. One is Esther, and the other is Hymie. They’re just swimming there, having a good time, and all of a sudden Hymie says to Esther, “Oy, I think we’re in trouble.”

  Esther asks, “Why?”

  “Well, see that ship down there? That ship is going to try to harpoon us.”

  Esther says, “Harpoon us! What is a ‘harpoon’?”

  Hymie says, “Well, it’s like a big bow and arrow.”

  “Oy, Hymie, what are we going to do?”

  “Well,” he says, “we have to swim over there, and through our blowholes blow very hard and turn the ship over and drown all the sailors.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  So they swim out to the ship, they do the blowing, the sailors go over, and Esther says, “So, Hymie how did I do?”

  “Oh, you did terrific, but we still got trouble.”

  “What’s the matter?”

  “Well, you see that other ship over there? That ship is going to come here, save all the sailors, and then they’re going to try to harpoon us again.”

  “Oy,” says Esther. “What do we have to do?”

  “We have to go there and eat all of those sailors.”

  Esther thinks for a minute, and says, “Hymie, you talked me into that blow job but I’m not swallowing the seamen.”

  LOUISE YOHALEM

  Louise Yohalem, the mother of my dear friend Eve, is a cabinet-level college administrator and an expert and educator in human sexuality. She has devoted a tremendous amount of time and energy to educating young people about prevention of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. This includes a stint on the New Jersey governor’s Advisory Committee on Adolescent Pregnancy and nine years as the executive director of development at Union County College.

  Sex Therapist

  The Shwartzes have been married for many years and they hear about this therapist who does amazing things for people who have been married for a long time. What the heck have they got to lose? They’ll see the therapist.

  They get to the therapist’s office, and she says, “I have a very unusual way of working. I’m going to take each of you separately into my examining room and I’m going to examine you. If I feel we can work together, then we’ll proceed and if I feel there’s nothing in my techniques to help you, well, there’ll be no charge for the session.”

  So she takes them each separately into the examining room and she brings them together and she says, “I think we can do great things together.”

  So they have their session and at the end of the session she says, “I have some homework for you. On your way home I want you to stop at a supermarket. You, sir, buy a bunch of grapes. And when you get home, your wife will disrobe and you’ll take the grapes and lay them on the bed, in a line between her legs all the way up to the opening of her vagina. You, madam, buy a doughnut. And when you get home and your husband’s member is erect, place the doughnut on your husband’s erect member and eat your way all the way around it.”

  Well, it sounds very strange, but what have they got to lose, they’ve paid this person. They go home, they do what she said, and it’s just amazing what it’s done for their marriage. And they’re so happy they tell all their friends about it.

  So one night the Cohens say, “You know, the Schwartzes have had such an extraordinary experience. We’re married a long time, why don’t we go and see this therapist?”

  So the Cohens go to see the therapist and the therapist says, “I have a very unusual way of working. I’m going to take each of you separately into my examining room and I’m going to examine you. If I feel we can work together, then we’ll proceed and if I feel there’s nothing in my techniques to help you, well, there’ll be no charge for the session.”

  So she sees them both separately and she brings them back together and she says, “I’m very sorry, I don’t think this will work. There’ll be no charge.”

  The Cohens say, “What do you mean you won’t work with us? The Schwartzes raved so about you. You have to work with us!”

  She says, “Look, I really don’t think that my methodology is right for you.”

  “Please! Please!” say the Cohens. “We’ll pay you! We won’t hold you responsible.”

  The therapist shrugs and says, “Okay.”

  They have a session and at the end of the session she says, “I have homework for you. On the way home I’d like you to stop at a market. You, sir, buy an apple. You, madam, buy a box of Cheerios.”

  Daniel Elias

  Cowboy Boots

  Murray was in a rut.

  So he decided to do something different. He went out and bought some cowboy boots.

  He went home and said, “Sadie, do you notice anything different?”

  Sadie says, “Vat difrnt? Same shirt. Same hair. Same punim. Same Murray.”

  So Murray runs to the bedroom and takes off everything excepting his new cowboy boots and comes out and says, “So now do you notice anything new?”

  “Vat new—it’s still pointing down!”

  Murray replies, “It’s pointing on mine new cowboy boots.”

  Sadie responds, “You should have bought a hat!”

  JAY ORLIKOFF

  Jay Orlikoff practiced family and cosmetic dentistry on Long Island for thirty years before retiring in 2002. On the evening of May 1, 1998, he was honored by the New York State Academy of General Dentistry with the Meritorious Service Award.

  A Flea Goes on Vacation

  A flea goes to a travel agent and says, “I’ve worked really hard. I’d like to take a vacation.”

  The travel agent says, “Where would you like to go?”

  “I have no real preference. Just someplace nice and warm.”

  So the travel agent looks in different books and he says, “I’ve got just the place for you. I can book seven days in Ringo Starr’s hair. Ringo Starr is in Nice, France. It’s nice and warm; you should have a great time.”

  So the flea says, “Okay.”

  Four days later, the flea comes back to the travel agent. The travel agent says, “What’s the matter?”

  “That was terrible. Ringo Starr stays in his room all the time, plays the drums, I got a headache. It was terrible.”

  “Well, let’s see. We can book seven days for you in Omar Sharif’s mustache. Omar Sharif’s gonna be in Monte Carlo; you’ll have a great time there.”

  The flea says, “Great.” He goes there. Four days later, he’s back. Travel agent says, “What’s the matter?”

  “Omar Sharif, he plays bridge all the time, he’s in the casino. I never saw sunlight, it was a horrible vacation.”

  “Man, you’re difficult. Let’s see what we can do
for you.”

  He looks and he says, “This one you’ll love. I can book seven days for you in Brigitte Bardot’s muff.”

  “Brigitte Bardot’s muff, that sounds great. Where’s she gonna be?”

  “St.-Tropez. Nice and warm, sunny.”

  “I’ll go.”

  Four days later, the flea’s back. The travel agent says, “I don’t believe it. What happened?”

  “Well, every day she was out in the sun by the pool. She was listening to great music. People were waiting on us hand and foot.”

  “What was wrong?”

  “Four days later, I was in Omar Sharif’s mustache again.”

  A Note About “A Flea Goes on Vacation”

  One of the fun things about these jokes is trying to determine when they were first conceived.

  This joke, at least in the form told by Dr. Orlikoff, has some very strong clues. The cast of characters includes Omar Sharif, Brigitte Bardot, and Ringo Starr.

  Between 1962 and 1968, Sharif was huge—starring in Lawrence of Arabia, Doctor Zhivago, and Funny Girl. This period coincides with the heyday of Bardot’s career and almost the entire existence of the Beatles.

  If this joke were a bottle of red wine, it might be worth quite a bit by now.

  Gaynor Cote

  (retelling a favorite joke of the late Marcia Tucker, who was the founding director of New York City’s New Museum of Contemporary Art)

  Seventeen Pigeons

  Sadie and Bessie and Rose are bragging about their husbands at the club.

  Sadie says, “My Herman, he loves me so much he bought me this ten-carat diamond ring.”

  Bessie says, “Hah, my Irving, he adores me, just look at this beautiful full-length mink coat.”

  Rose says, “Well, my Bernie, he loves me and he has a schlong so long that seventeen pigeons can stand on top of it side by side.”

  The other two women sit stunned and silent for a couple of minutes, then Sadie says, “Ah, I can’t lie. The diamond, it has a big flaw. See, right there.”

  Bessie sighs and says, “Since we are telling the truth, I gotta tell you, the coat, it’s used and there a little rip in the lining. Look here.”

  Rose responds, “All right already. The last pigeon, number seventeen? His left foot, it slips a little.”

  Jim Rosenthal

  Car Troubles

  There’s a penguin who is driving his car home. All of a sudden, the car starts to act up. So he pulls into a garage and he tells the mechanic, “It’s not operating.”

  The mechanic says, “I’ll have to have an hour at least to diagnose the problem.”

  So the penguin goes into town to kill some time. He sees a walrus and some sea lions. As he’s coming back to the garage he sees an ice cream parlor run by a polar bear. He stops and buys a vanilla ice cream. While he’s walking back, because of his short little arms, he drops a big glop of the ice cream on his foot.

  When he gets to the garage, the mechanic sees him and says, “You blew a seal!”

  The penguin looks down at his foot and says, “No! That’s ice cream, that’s ice cream!”

  10

  Illness and Doctors

  I’m Not Sure Which Are Worse

  THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT MODERN MEDICINE, FEW WOULD argue, is that it allows us a longer life and therefore more time to complain about doctors.

  Jews have a complicated relationship with doctors. Most of us had mothers who wanted us to be doctors, so it’s natural that we hate the people who lived up to our mother’s expectations when we, obviously, did not.

  On the plus side, doctors are required by their profession to listen, pay attention, and nod their heads thoughtfully when we kvetch—so, in that respect, we find them very useful.

  In my exhaustive research (Wikipedia) I have found no solid evidence that the Jews invented hypochondria, but there is some evidence that we are quite good at it, maybe even in the top two. In her book Hypochondria: Woeful Imaginings, Susan Baur writes that “many doctors get the impression that hypochondria is more prevalent among Jews and Italians. Regardless of absolute numbers, illness and fear of illness among members of these groups is more openly expressed.”

  Baur’s point is that among the Jews and our Mediterranean cousins the Italians, it’s the comfort in expressing—as opposed to repressing—feelings, pain, and anxiety that leads to hypochondria.

  I’ll buy that. It doesn’t take a giant leap to suggest that the jokes in this chapter are a way of expressing the fear and anxiety associated with illnesses and the people who try to treat them.

  BERT BUSCH

  Bert Busch’s mother, Jeanette, was the second of my grandfather’s five sisters. His brothers Malcolm and Ron also contributed jokes. When we were growing up in the seventies, Bert had a groovy mustache that made him look a little like Gomez from the Addams Family.

  Health Care

  A doctor is showing a female benefactor around the hospital.

  And as they look into one of the patient rooms, they both, to the horror of the female benefactor, see this male patient furiously masturbating.

  And the woman says to the doctor, “Oh my God. What’s going on there?”

  And the doctor says, “Madam, I’m terribly sorry you were exposed to this. This patient has a terrible health condition. If he doesn’t masturbate at least five times a day, his testicles fill up with semen, they could rupture, and he would be terribly sick.”

  And the woman says, “Oh, in that case, well I guess I understand.”

  They’re walking past the next room and there is another male patient, and a female nurse is performing oral sex on him.

  And with that, the woman says, “How can that be justified?”

  And the doctor says, “Same condition. Better health-care plan.”

  EILEEN LOTTMAN

  Eileen Lottman has written and published twenty-three novels and has been working on the twenty-fourth for the past eighteen years.

  Test Results

  Mrs. Green calls the doctor’s office and she says, “My husband, David Green, had some tests the other day and I’m calling to get the results.”

  The nurse says, “Well, we have two David Greens in this practice and they both had tests and I just got the lab results and one of them has AIDS and one of them has Alzheimer’s.”

  Mrs. Green says, “Oh. Well, how am I gonna tell? How do I know which one he has?”

  The nurse says, “Well, I suggest that you send him to the store to buy bread. And if he finds his way home, don’t fuck him.”

  JOHN PLESHETTE

  John Pleshette is an actor, writer, and director. His longest-running acting role was as Richard Avery on Knots Landing, which he played for eight years. He considers himself a New Yorker, although he has lived for thirty-five years in Los Angeles, where he struggles on a daily basis to retain his sense of humor.

  Doctor’s Advice

  A guy goes to his doctor. The doctor says, “Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’ve just got to stop masturbating!”

  The guy says, “Why?”

  The doctor says, “So I can examine you!”

  MALCOLM BUSCH

  Malcolm Busch is a first cousin of my father’s. “Dr. Drobkin” is an outstanding example of a story that is well practiced and honed to perfection. I especially love his use of the word stripling. Right now, I laughed a little just typing that word.

  Stripling.

  Dr. Drobkin

  Dr. Drobkin is a very world-famous specialist in a highly specialized field of cardiology. He got his undergraduate degree, his medical degree, and his Ph.D. in his hometown, then practiced as a research doctor at the highest level in New York. He wrote a significant paper and he’s been invited to deliver the paper at a meeting, which, by coincidence, is in his hometown.

  The room is full of men and women, the men wearing tuxedos, the women properly attired for such an august event. Dr. Drobkin approaches the dais, puts his notes on the lectern as he
’s about to give the talk, and suddenly the papers all slide to the floor.

  He bends over to pick them up, and as he does, his tuches is against the microphone, and at the very wrong moment, lets one ride that reverberates throughout the room, magnified by the microphone. Somehow he gains his composure and delivers his paper. No sooner than he’s done, he grabs everything up and makes a quick exit through the rear door. And never comes back to the town again.

  Well, many years pass, his mother is on in years, and he has to go back to town to care for his mother. He does so under the name of Dr. Cohn, makes a reservation at the local Hyatt under that name, gets there under cover of darkness, checks into the hotel.

  A bright-eyed and bushy-tailed room clerk says, “Oh, good evening, Dr. Cohn. Have you ever been in our town before?”

  The doctor says, “As a matter of fact, young man, I grew up here, I got my education here, got my doctorate here at the university, and I moved away.”

  The young man says, “Oh, why haven’t you been here, sir?”

  “Well, a number of years ago, a very embarrassing thing happened here and I just didn’t feel that I could come back and face the people in the town.”

  “Doctor, far be it from me, a young stripling, to advise a distinguished older gentleman such as you, but if I can give you anything from my experience and my young life, things that I thought were embarrassing and people noticed, I later found out that no one even knew that they happened. I’m sure that’s probably true of the thing you think is so embarrassing.”