The Legends of Greemulax

by Kimmy Schmidt

  He nodded and clenched his paws together.

  Kristy felt proud of his willpower. The wisers had always said that men were weak and irrational and controlled by anger, but she didn’t think that was true for all of them. Sure, Penn got angry sometimes, and he wasn’t great at climbing trees, but he was nice and thoughtful, and he was pretty good company, too.

  “Can it be…?” a high-pitched, breathy voice said from the shadows. “Is that my Kristy?” Lillibop stepped into the light. She had curly hair that looked like gold spaghetti, and it seemed as though she was wearing every piece of chunky jewelry in West Greemulax all at once. Her cheeks were rosy and her skin glowed. She looked exactly the same as Kristy remembered.

  “It’s me, Lillibop!” Kristy said, bursting with joy. She ran over and embraced her old guardian. She had so much to tell her! It all came spilling out. “I’ve missed you so much. It’s been quite an adventure getting here. See, I’m a Rainbow Knight now, and this is my friend, and we found him when we crash-landed in North Greemulax. It was a routine flyover, but Trolley 4 is the worst! Anyway, he needs—”

  “He?” Lillibop gasped, hand to chest. She turned to Penn, noticing him for the first time. The rosy color drained from her face. “Kristy, dear… you brought this boy to my tugboat?” Kristy could see Lillibop’s eyes dart to Penn’s blue hands. He quickly put them behind his back, though the damage had already been done.

  “Don’t worry. This is Penn. He’s a good one. He’s trying not to become a Grabagorn.” Kristy leaned in and whispered, “Although he’s not doing the best job.”

  “Yes, so it appears,” Lillibop replied. “Penn. It’s nice to make your acquaintance.” She tore her eyes away from him and excused herself for a minute. She invited Penn and Kristy to rest on the pillows. Kristy worried that she had upset Lillibop by bringing a boy to her tugboat.

  As soon as they sat down, they melted into the soft fabric and at once felt completely rejuvenated, without even closing their eyes. Kristy had forgotten all about Lillibop’s magical furniture. When Kristy was little, Lillibop had gifted her a stepping stool that let her reach anything, no matter how high it was. Kristy would use it to pluck the prettiest apples from the tops of the trees and bring them back home to make pie, coated in cinnamon and sugar.

  “I didn’t even know how tired I was until I sat down,” Penn said. “Sorry for being such a grump, Kristy. I shouldn’t have gotten so mad like that.”

  “It’s totally okay, Penn,” Kristy chirped. “You had a really long day.”

  Lillibop returned and headed for the kitchen. “Kristy, come here.” Kristy obeyed, even though she was really enjoying sitting on the comfortable cushions. She didn’t want to be rude. Lillibop handed Kristy a cup and saucer gilded with the crest of the Rainbow Knights. She looked at Penn, took a deep breath, and turned back to Kristy. “I don’t like the way you’re fading, dear. I can see through your ears. You got a whole lotta wax in there, by the way.”

  Kristy immediately put her hands to each side of her head. “What do you mean? I feel fine.”

  “You’re being too accommodating. To me, to… this boy.” Lillibop looked over at Penn, and her gaze lingered. “It’s okay to get angry or annoyed, to be exhausted yourself sometimes.” Lillibop led Kristy to a tall mirror propped against the wall.

  When Kristy took in her reflection, she gasped. “You’re right. My hair is dull and my skin is… fading?” She also still had some burrs in her hair and black ash on her boots, but that was neither here nor there.

  “Now you see what I mean?” Lillibop asked.

  Kristy nodded.

  Then Lillibop gestured to Penn, who dozed quietly on his cushion. “How is he not full Grabagorn yet?”

  “Because I’ve been helping him calm down.” Kristy smiled. “Every time he starts to lose his temper, I remind him that’s not who he is. His anger doesn’t control him.” She actually felt really good about that. She didn’t like that Lillibop wanted her to be angry. Then she’d be no better than a Grabagorn! “Besides, I hate anger!” Kristy added, feeling angry. “And Penn saved us from the pit. I owe it to him to help him. I promised.”

  “But you’re disappearing.” Lillibop rested a hand on Kristy’s armored shoulder. “Once you let part of yourself disappear, it’s not easy to get it back.”

  “You worry too much, Lillibop,” Kristy assured her. “I’m not gonna, like, stop existing.” She took a sip of her tea. “I’ll totally figure that out after I help Penn find his Lemon Bubble.” Kristy brightened, remembering their mission. “Which is exactly why we’re here! Do you know where we can find some?”

  “Lemon Bubbles?”

  “Yeah,” Kristy said. “We heard they help stop the Grabagorn process.”

  Lillibop nodded. “In the Forest of Candy, of course. I’ve heard a lot of different rumors. Most of the candies there have magical, mystical properties. But they’re not always so predictable, the candies,” Lillibop said, a note of concern in her voice. “I once ate some Curly Cubes to help me sleep, and I ended up sprouting a third eye that wouldn’t go away for a couple days. And it was on my chin!”

  Lillibop waved her hand, and the teapot rose into the air. It flew across the room and refilled Penn’s and Kristy’s teacups. Penn startled at the sound of his cup sliding on its saucer, and his jaw almost hit the cushion. Kristy giggled. Lillibop was showing off. “It’s where I get my Sour Squishers. Unfortunately, my supply is running pretty low, so I can only do that sort of thing once in a while to impress guests.” Lillibop grinned and raised her eyebrows hopefully. “Unless…”

  “We could get some for you,” Kristy said. “When we find Penn’s Lemon Bubble.”

  “That would be so nice of you. Both of you,” Lillibop said, still smiling.

  Penn smiled back.

  Kristy caught her own reflection again. She did seem less solid, especially her head.… She turned her attention back to Lillibop. “Do you think there’s a candy that can help me?”

  “Listen, both of you. Don’t get greedy with the candy. You’ll get Type 1 Diagreedies.”

  Kristy didn’t know what that was, but she didn’t want to find out.

  “Magic candy is serious business,” Lillibop continued, “and after you eat it, you might get sad and want more candy. But I don’t care what you’ve been told—it’s not a permanent fix.”

  “Thanks a lot, magic,” Kristy sighed, rolling her eyes and flopping back onto the pillows. To add injury to insult, one of the spiky burrs in her hair poked her in the neck.

  “Sorry, kid. If you need permanent help, you’ve got to do that on your own,” Lillibop reminded her. “You can only shine on the outside if what’s inside feels that way.”

  Kristy had heard that a million times, and she knew that before the Grape Escape a lot of women suffered from disappearing, but this was the first time she’d ever felt the slightest bit dull. She was also a little offended at the idea that her insides were anything but bright.

  “The Forest of Candy is in South Greemulax,” Lillibop said, leading the kids over to her wooden farm table. She pushed some bottles aside and rolled out a large piece of paper. Lillibop closed her eyes and began to dip brushes in paint with her mind, illustrating a beautiful map of all the Greemulaxes. She finished by painting a fearsome green dragon right near the Forest of Candy. “That’s where the dragons live, too.”

  Kristy and Penn exchanged a look. They were both scared, but too proud to admit it. Kristy had seen a dragon at a distance once, when the wisers were meeting with one on diplomatic matters, but she’d never interacted with one. Although she was the best student in Madame Scruggs’s Dragonese for Dames class.

  “Don’t worry,” Penn said, summoning a little bravery, “I am a highly trained Garate fighter. I can protect you.” He put his hands up in a chopping stance.

  Kristy didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but “garate” didn’t sound very menacing. “It’s too bad we can’t use a trolley.”

&n
bsp; “This is an adventure that must be attempted on foot,” Lillibop said. “Step by step. By step.”

  Once the map had dried and they’d been gifted two satchels for transporting candy, plus a fishing net—because you never know when a fishing net might come in handy, and when you live in a sideways tugboat, there’s always a spare—Lillibop showed Penn and Kristy to the back door, where they could avoid the mobstacle course.

  She gave Kristy a big hug and it looked like she was going to hug Penn, too, but instead she awkwardly shook his paw. “Farewell, my little adventurers!” Lillibop said, waving to the Rainbow Knight and the Graba-boy as they set off toward the south. “Come back soon with those Sour Squishers! And remember: Remain careful, wise, and”—she looked at Kristy—“solid.”

  It had become clear pretty quickly that Lillibop’s map wasn’t exactly accurate. Either she’d taken some artistic license, or perhaps the landscape had changed. No matter the reason, Penn and Kristy had been walking for hours and hours and they were lost. Hours and hours and hours.

  Currently, Kristy was sitting cross-legged on the grass with the map laid out in front of her. She was busy drawing a line through the path they’d taken. Rainbow Knights had glitter pens in their utility belts along with seemingly everything else. Penn was secretly impressed with how prepared Kristy was for… anything. But he was less than impressed with Lillibop’s mapmaking skills. Penn scratched at the dirt, working hard not to get angry. He didn’t need any more Grabagorn limbs, thank you very much.

  “Ohhhh, that’s where we went wrong.” Kristy nodded. Her eyes remained fixed on the map. “We should have turned left at the Twisty Trees to get to the Happy Hills. And we weren’t supposed to be looking for a fork in the road—it’s a spoon that we want. Right near Pudding Lake.” Kristy folded up the map and grinned. “Then we just cross it and boom! South Greemulax.” She sprang to her feet and did a little victory dance. How was she so cheerful all the time?

  “Spoon, not fork. Got it,” Penn echoed in a monotone voice. He wondered where Kristy was getting all this endless energy. She had stopped fading, so maybe that was helping. “Okay, then. Lead the way.”

  The two retraced their steps back through the grove of Twisty Trees. Just like their name suggested, the tree branches looped and coiled around one another.

  “Neato,” Kristy said, stopping short. “Those trees look like they’re hugging.”

  “What?” Penn said. “No way, they look like they’re fighting each other. And the taller one is winning.”

  Kristy stared at him. “Umm, okay.” Her cheeks flickered and faded, but she didn’t seem to notice. She shook her head slightly at him and started walking again.

  “What?” he said, trailing after her. “What did I say?”

  She didn’t respond. She’d been doing that all day. Silently judging him but pretending she wasn’t. He did not like that.

  After Penn and Kristy navigated the trail through the Twisty Trees, they hiked up and down the Happy Hills, feeling a strange sense of joy wash over them with each step. Happy hills were the best.

  Next, they followed the road.

  “Penn, look!”

  “What?”

  “It’s the spoon in the road.” She pointed in front of her to where the ground dipped into what felt like a large round bowl. “If you squint, it’s totally a spoon. See? We’re on the right track. Pudding Lake is after the handle.”

  Kristy skipped into the landmark.

  And then she froze.

  Penn caught up with her, and Kristy put a finger to her lips.

  “Did you hear that?” Her eyes darted back and forth suspiciously.

  “Hear what?” Penn replied, at full volume.

  “Shhh!” Kristy hissed. She crept around, searching.

  What now? he thought as he watched her. She was always stopping to chat, or to look up at a bird she thought was cool or try to talk to a squirrel that wanted nothing to do with her. It’s a miracle that they’d made it this far.

  “I felt the Neck Prickles,” she said. “I think something is following us.”

  “All the way here? No way. You’re imagining things.” Penn’s stomach let out a loud, angry noise.

  “No need to growl at me!” Kristy barked. She crossed her arms over her chest and frowned as she caught a glimpse of her pale hands. Was that a blue spot on her thumb?

  “That was my stomach!” Penn yelled, stomping his foot. When he was hungry, it was like his head could hold no other thoughts. “I’m starving. Why didn’t Lillibop give us something to eat? Hurry up, let’s keep moving.”

  “But, Penn, I feel like something—”

  “Come on!” he yelled. “We can’t keep stopping every time you have a FEELING!” Just then, his ear started to buzz. What the ham sandwich?

  “Penn,” she said slowly, stretching out the one syllable. “I don’t want to alarm you, but… your ear is… well, it’s big. And blue. And there are hairs growing out of it.”

  “Argh!” He swatted at his ear, but it continued to buzz. Plus he smelled that musty wet-bathing-suit-in-a-bag-overnight smell.

  Penn suddenly felt so mad, he had to do something about it. He ran over to the nearest tree and was about to kick it Roundpit-style when he noticed blue Grabagorn feet next to the trunk. He knew those feet. He knew that smell. Had they always smelled like that? Did he smell like that?

  “Landon?… Brandon?!” The blood drained from Penn’s face as the twins stepped out into the bowl.

  The boys stood tall, trying to look tough. It worked.

  This was it, Penn thought. Grabagorn Prime was likely not far behind. Penn was caught. But maybe he could buy himself some time, or at least save Kristy. The thought surprised him but also gave him courage. “What are you guys doing here?”

  “Following a traitor,” Brandon snarled. As if it needed more explanation, he added, “That’s you, Penn. You’re the traitor.”

  “Yeah!” Landon agreed. “That’s what we call traitors now: Penns!”

  Penn was having trouble hearing because of the buzzing. But he heard that. “Hey, that’s hurtful,” he said.

  “Well, it’s a thing now,” Brandon said. “That happened since you’ve been gone.”

  “And we’re gonna be the ones to bring you back,” Landon added.

  “You guys are out here alone?” Penn asked.

  “Yes. And we’re going to get a sick reward for finding you.”

  Penn breathed a quiet sigh of relief. He could handle Brandon and Landon on their own.

  “You better explain what’s going on!” Landon said. “Why did you set the women free?”

  “And why did you go with them?” Brandon asked.

  “We don’t understand why.”

  “We’re very confused.”

  Penn looked at his friends, then back at Kristy, and realized the only thing he could say was the truth that he’d known for a while but hadn’t understood. “I don’t want to be a Grabagorn,” he explained.

  “What?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t want to be a monster.”

  “But…” Brandon said.

  “What else could we be?” Landon added.

  Penn shrugged. “I want to stay me.” He heard Kristy’s quiet-but-loud yes behind him.

  The twins stared at him a moment, then both started laughing.

  “Dude, you had us going for a minute.”

  “We’ll cover for you,” Landon said. “Just come with us and bring the tiny woman.”

  “Yeah, we’ll tell Grabagorn Prime that she escaped and you’ve been trying to catch her this whole time. You’ll be a hero,” Brandon said. “I mean, we’ll be the bigger heroes for finding you, but we’ll let you take some of the credit. By the way, your arm looks awesome.” The twins took turns poking at Penn’s blue bicep.

  “So big,” Landon said.

  “So blue,” Brandon added.

  “But I don’t want to go back.” Penn put his hands to hi
s head. The buzzing in his ear hadn’t gone away, and somehow the arrival of Brandon and Landon was making it worse. He had to work extra hard to listen to them. Penn looked back and forth between his old friends and his new one. He didn’t want to be a Grabagorn. He knew this now. He also knew that he could keep saying it to Brandon and Landon until he was blue in the face (oh, is that where that saying came from?), and they wouldn’t understand. “I want to go with Kristy. I want a chance to be… better. Please, just go home. Pretend you never saw us.”

  Landon shook his head. “We can’t do that.”

  Penn stared at Landon. Landon stared at Brandon. Brandon was staring at something on his own foot.

  “Run to Pudding Lake!” Penn yelled to Kristy as he shoved Landon into Brandon and watched them fall over in a heap. Then he took off in the same direction.

  “You were great back there!” Kristy shouted when Penn caught up to her.

  “Thanks!” he yelled back, speeding down the spoon-handle road.

  When they reached the end, she called out, “To the left!”

  As the two turned the corner, they were met with the oddest sight. A steep cliff’s edge overlooked a round lake of thick, yellow… pudding? This must be Pudding Lake, just like the map had said. Penn guessed it was hard to misplace a whole lake of pudding. He barely had time to register what was in front of him before he felt Kristy grab his hand, say, “I knew the wisers were wrong about boys! I knew you could change if you wanted to!” and jump, pulling him off the ledge along with her.

  Splat! The thick goop broke their fall.

  Up above, Landon and Brandon skidded to the edge of the cliff. They looked to the left and to the right in confusion and then looked down.

  “There they are!” Landon cried.

  “Kristy?” Penn flung his arm out to reach for her, and a huge glob of pudding landed directly in his mouth. Oh, wow. “Try the pudding! It’s delicious!”

  “It sure is,” Kristy said as she took a bite. “It has banana chunks in it!”

  “Should we jump in after them?” Brandon asked.

  “I guess,” said Landon.

  “We have to get out of here,” Penn said. He flailed around in slow motion, struggling to move his limbs through the gooey pudding.