“You okay?” I ask. I debate putting my hand on her shoulder but I leave it on my lap.
She shrugs but then shakes her head no. “I’m embarrassed. And mad. This place is . . . fucked up,” she says.
“Yeah,” I say. “It really is.”
She looks me dead in the eye. “I wish you would have told me.”
“I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “I didn’t know what to say.”
“Who told you?” she asks. “Talia?”
I nod.
She sighs. “I’m not sure why she and Lis dislike me so much.”
I don’t respond. It’s hard to explain to someone that they’re just different.
“Was what I did so wrong?” she asks.
“No, of course not. He’s the wrong one,” I say. “He’s a jerk.”
“I just didn’t expect him to . . . tell people.” Her eyes tear up. “I’m a moron.”
“You are not! There is nothing wrong with trusting someone.”
“Clearly there is,” she says.
She stands back up and strips off her clothes, wraps a towel around herself, and grabs her shower bucket.
Talia opens the curtain and she and Lis stand at the entranceway.
“You’re showering now?” Lis asks. “It’s after curfew.”
“Yeah,” Janelle says. “I don’t care.” She picks up the brush, waves it at both of them, pops it into her shower bucket, and pushes her way out the door.
“Danish told her,” I say.
Lis watches her go. “Told her what?”
“That everyone knows,” I say.
Talia nods. “Good. That should teach her a lesson.”
“Don’t be a bitch,” I say. “She shouldn’t have done it with you in the bunk, but there’s nothing wrong with hooking up with a cute guy or three. And Lawrence was a total ass to her. And tonight, the entire camp was a total ass. Her bunkmates don’t have to make it worse.”
I walk out of the counselors’ room to check on the girls and make sure they’re okay.
The next day, I walk to the office to check my messages at Rest Hour. I don’t have any from Eli. Or Fancy’s mom. She seems to have calmed down since Visiting Day.
Eli’s lack of texts is the more concerning issue. We haven’t written each other in a few days. Is he so busy traveling or is he in bed with someone else?
I have an excuse. I don’t always have Wi-Fi. But what’s his?
Last I saw, he was in Portugal. It’s his last stop. In three days he’s flying back to New York. In four days he’s coming to see me.
I check his Instagram. He doesn’t have new posts but he’s tagged in someone else’s posts. I look at them.
I see pictures of him on the beach with a group. With women in bikinis. Do women just wander around willy-nilly in Europe in bikinis? Well, not willy-nilly, I suppose. Vajayjay-nilly?
I look back at the pictures he posted.
Is he trying to tell me something?
Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. I can’t decide if I want him to be hooking up with someone or not.
I debate if I should write him. Yes. No.
He is cavorting with women in bikinis. He is not texting me. He is not calling me. He is definitely hooking up with them. Of course he is. He is a nineteen-year-old guy!
What if this is how we end things?
We both just stop communicating with each other? Do I want to end it? No. Maybe. Why am I hooking up with Gavin if I don’t?
I stare at my phone. I put it away. I pick up the kids’ mail and head back to camp.
Saturday afternoon is mini-golf day for the junior section.
All the juniors, and all the junior counselors who are not specialists—so, no Gavin—get onto a bus. I make sure all my kids are accounted for and grab the seat next to Danish in the front. Janelle sits in the back, and Muffs sits across from her. As usual, he is wearing his earmuffs. Janelle laughs extra loudly at something he says. How does he even hear in those things?
Lis and Talia sit together and start whispering. Danish does a quick bunk check, and away we go.
“You’re taking Monday/Tuesday?” she asks.
“Yeah. That okay?”
“Totally. It’s the last day off. Then we’re in the home stretch. I can’t believe another summer is almost over. My last one, probably.”
We hit a bump and we both jump in the seat. “Really?” I ask.
“Yeah. I finish grad school next year. And I have to get a real job, I think. What about you? Would you come back?”
“Maybe,” I say. “I had a good summer. Mostly.”
“Yeah,” she says. “Me too.”
She smiles. Then she takes out her phone, so I do the same.
I have a bunch of texts from Eli.
Sorry I’ve been MIA—weird Wi-Fi.
Sure, I think.
Then:
At airport! Land in NYC tomorrow and then driving up to see you the day after that! You can leave at 6? Will pick you up.
With a shock, I realize he’s still coming.
He never said he wasn’t. But it will be so strange to see him here. Two days. Two days until I see him.
What will I do about Gavin? Will I introduce them? Eli will expect it since he is now friends with Kat. Or sleeping with Kat. Or sleeping with Kat’s best friend. Or just friends with Kat.
Can I avoid introducing them?
Will Gavin want to meet Eli?
Or will he make himself scarce?
Should I break up with Gavin before Eli gets here?
Or will I get back with Gavin after Eli’s visit?
I think I might be a terrible person.
I put my phone down and look out the window.
Eventually, the bus pulls up in front of the mini-golf.
Danish jumps up. “Okay, girls, everyone be careful! And have fun! And stay with your groups! And be mindful of your putter. Last year a girl got hit in the head and had to go to the hospital and get stitches.”
“Ouch,” I say.
I imagine having to write Eli a note. So sorry, I can’t make it. One of the girls has to get stiches. Can’t get away, she needs me too much. Then I wouldn’t have to face him with my terrible betrayal and my lies and I wouldn’t have to decide if I love him or not and I wouldn’t have to decide if I trust him or not and I wouldn’t have to decide about Gavin, I could just be a great camp counselor and NOTHING ELSE.
Omigod, what’s wrong with me? I am fantasizing about one of my campers getting hit in the head!
I shake it off, and head out for some mini-golf and ice cream. Eli is coming to camp. And I’m going to see him.
WEEK 6 SCHEDULE—BUNK 6A
Week 6
“So today’s the big day,” Gavin says.
It’s one a.m. and he’s lying next to me in my bed, since my counselors’ room is empty. Lis and Talia have the day off. They went home together. Botts took off two days earlier. He invited Lis to come, but she told me that if he wasn’t interested in her, then she would just go home. I haven’t actually asked him about it—I’m kind of avoiding him.
Anyway, all three are gone. And Janelle took off about a half hour ago. She went to Bunk 5, I’m guessing, to see Muffs. When Gavin saw her there he headed straight here, knowing my room was empty. Now the kids are all fast asleep and the lights are off. We haven’t even kissed, but I’m lying in the crook of his arm under my covers.
“Today’s the big day,” I repeat. “He’s driving up.”
Neither of us says anything.
“Is it going to be weird?” Gavin asks.
“I don’t know. I feel weird.”
“If he’s going to try and beat me up, I would love a heads-up.”
I laugh. “He would never beat you up,” I say. “I’m not going to tell him. And he’s not that . . . passionate.”
“No?”
“No,” I say. “He’s more of an even Steven kind of guy.”
“I am not an even Steven kind of guy,” he says.
“I tend to only like a few things but get kind of obsessed with them.”
“What’s Kat like?”
“She falls in love with everything,” he says.
I wonder if I’d like Kat. Ugh. I bet I would.
We talk about his dad and my dad. I tell him about how unhappy my parents are. How I never want to be stuck in a relationship that isn’t right.
We don’t talk about what I’m going to do tomorrow.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. Isn’t what’s happening with Gavin a sign that Eli isn’t the right person for me? Or is it just a sign that I’m a terrible girlfriend?
Eventually, when it’s about four a.m., I fall asleep with my head on his chest.
We wake up with the light spearing in through the sheet covering the window. It’s probably only an hour later, but it feels like a decade.
Janelle is in her bed.
I’m glad we are fully dressed. I’ll tell her we were just talking.
I shake Gavin awake. “It’s morning,” I whisper.
“Shit,” he says. “Bye.” He’s about to kiss me goodbye, but sees Janelle asleep in the bed beside us and pulls away.
He disappears out the door sheet. I hear the cabin door open and softly close and the porch creak under his footsteps.
“I wondered why his bed was empty when I was in Bunk Five,” Janelle says, flipping over to me. “Don’t worry, I didn’t see anything.”
“Nothing to see,” I say. “Nothing happened last night,” I say quickly. This time it’s not even a lie.
“No judgment,” she says. “I was in Bunk Five.”
“With Muffs?” I ask.
“No way,” she says. “I’m not getting in the middle of that triangle too, thank you very much. I was with Eric. He has really good pot.”
I push away my plate of mac and cheese. I can’t eat. I feel too nauseous.
Eli is coming, Eli is coming, Eli is coming.
“How excited are you?” Danish asks.
“Look at her. She can’t sit still,” Janelle says.
“She hasn’t seen him in six weeks!” Danish exclaims. “Where are you guys staying?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “He said he booked something.”
I pack during Rest Hour. I continue to feel slightly sick through basketball, SI, and finally General Swim. I am grateful that we don’t have sailing today.
As soon as GS is done, I think I might really throw up. And it’s not just because of Gavin. I am excited to see Eli. I really am. I’m not just telling myself that. Am I? I miss Eli. But I also like Gavin. But am I in love with Gavin? No. Maybe? I can’t wait to see Eli. I’m afraid of seeing Eli. Can he tell I cheated by looking at me? I can’t stop sweating.
I hurry the kids back to the bunk, and quickly run to the shower. Then I put on jeans and a cute top, and quickly apply eyeliner. My hand shakes, and I make myself look like a raccoon.
Get it together, I tell myself.
I fix it. There.
I take a deep breath and grab my backpack.
Ready.
I see Gavin and Botts on my way to the office. They’re standing in the middle of the road, above the beach. Of course they are.
Botts whistles. “Looking good, Rosenspan.”
“Thanks,” I say, hitching my backpack on my shoulder.
“Eli’s at the office,” he says.
I stop. “Already?”
“Yeah.” He holds up a walkie-talkie. “He just pulled up.”
Gavin raises an eyebrow. “Have fun.”
“Um. Thanks?” This is awkward for everyone.
I wave as I walk by. I want to touch Gavin, to let him know that I am thinking about him, but I don’t.
I walk fast to the office and when I am almost there I start to run.
I feel like the kids on Visiting Day.
He’s leaning against the hood of his gray rental car, and he’s wearing a blue shirt I don’t recognize with jeans I do. Did he get taller? He’s tan. His hair is longer than usual. It’s Eli, it’s Eli. My Eli.
I throw my arms around him, and he’s kissing me, and I’m kissing him, and he smells like soap. He smells like him.
My eyes prick with tears, but I’m smiling because I’m so happy to see him. “Hi.”
“Hi, Beautiful,” he says. He’s smiling too.
“You’re here,” I say.
“I am.”
“You came to see me!”
“I came to see you,” he says. “So this is camp, huh?”
“Yup.” My arms are still around his neck.
“Can I get a tour?”
“Oh! I don’t think we’re allowed.” It is probably allowed, but I already feel like my worlds are colliding. I don’t want Gavin and Eli to meet. My life might explode.
“Okay. I want to get you alone, anyway.” He takes my hand.
“Where are we going?
“Saratoga Springs!” he says. “Wait until you see the hotel. I was going to book a B&B but after I won the Monte Carlo money, everyone was teasing me that I had to get us something fancy. So I did.”
“I just have to check out,” I say. “Gimme a sec.”
I hand him my backpack and then run into the office to tell them I’m leaving.
“Your boyfriend?” Eric asks.
“Yup.”
“Have fun,” he says.
“I will,” I say, and fly out the door.
We get in the car, and Eli hits the gas, his hand on my leg.
As soon as he pulls out of camp, he pulls over onto a side road. At first I wonder why—is he going to tell me something? Ask me something?—but then he kisses me again.
We kiss for a while. He kisses differently than Gavin. His lips are softer. He’s more hesitant, sweeter.
He wouldn’t be kissing me like this if he had hooked up with someone else, would he?
Can he tell that I’ve been kissing someone else by the way I’m kissing him?
“I can’t wait to get you into bed,” he says, kissing my neck.
“To the hotel!” I say.
“Actually, I made us a dinner reservation at seven, so dinner first and then the hotel. Can you wait that long?”
“A dinner reservation? A fancy hotel? Who are you?”
He laughs. “I am romancing you!”
The restaurant is just down the street from our hotel, so we park at the hotel and head straight to eat.
The restaurant is nice—we get a table outside. Eli orders two glasses of wine, and we both casually show our fake IDs.
“The best part of Europe was not needing these,” Eli tells me when our waiter turns around.
“Were you guys just drinking the whole time?” I ask.
“There was a lot of drinking,” he admits. “It was hard keeping up with Yosef. He’s a bottomless pit.”
I want to ask about the girls I saw in the pictures. Sydney. Kat. But I don’t. I ask about Yosef. About the cities. About the museums. About everything else.
Am I just going to sleep with him and pretend that nothing’s wrong? Yes. I think I am.
The restaurant is beautiful. The food—especially after all that camp food—is really good. Eli takes my hand across the table. I am excited and nervous and happy to see him and a little tipsy and filled with guilt. I am feeling everything all at once.
“My treat,” he says. “Thank you, Monte Carlo.”
“They don’t take euros here, you know,” I tease him.
“I have a credit card, thank you very much.”
“Was Monte Carlo your favorite part of the trip?”
“Maybe,” he says. “Definitely a highlight. It was nice to feel like I was part of a group.”
He takes my hand as we walk into the hotel. We check in, giggling.
“I feel so grown-up,” I say. “We’ve never stayed in a hotel together.”
But then I realize that he has stayed in hotels—well, hostels—for the last month. So maybe it doesn’t feel so special to him.
Back in the room, we start kissing right away. There are so many feelings rushing through me. Excitement. Guilt. Confusion. Love.
“Did you bring condoms?” I ask. I could have borrowed a few more from Janelle, but I didn’t even think of it. At some point, she’s going to notice.
He nods, taking off my shirt.
We climb under the covers and we’re kissing again and it feels so good to be with him, but it also feels really good to be lying down on a clean, well-made bed.
“Let me massage your back,” he says.
I turn around and feel his hands around my shoulders and back and it feels so good. His fingers are so gentle.
And suddenly I am so tired. Really, really tired. Like exhausted. I barely slept last night and my heart has been racing all day and now I am with Eli. I had wine. Too much wine.
Soft sheets.
Tired eyes.
I’ll close them for just a second.
I open my eyes. The hotel room is bright. It’s morning. It takes me a few seconds to process what happened. Eli was giving me a back massage and I fell asleep.
I fell asleep!
He drove all the way here to see me, like four hours, and I fell asleep!
Crap, crap, crap.
I snuggle up to him in bed. I can feel him tense.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
He doesn’t answer.
“Really sorry,” I say. I feel horrible. For falling asleep. For not telling him the truth. For everything.
“You fell asleep,” he snaps. “How could you fall asleep?”
“I am really, really, really sorry,” I say, and I mean it. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“Why didn’t you stay awake?” He lies on his back. “I just don’t know how you could possibly fall asleep. All I’ve been thinking about for the last five weeks is having sex with you. Are you even excited to see me?”
“Of course I am! But camp is exhausting,” I say. “I was just . . . tired. And the sheets here are so clean! And the bed is soft! And I don’t know. I’m sorry. It’s not about you. Kiss me.” What did I do? I’m horrible. How could I have slept with Gavin? Do not think about Gavin!
“I need to brush my teeth.”
“I don’t care about your teeth.” I slide on top of him and kiss his neck again until he puts his arms around me. I kiss him on the mouth. “I’m really sorry. You taste perfect. Let’s try again.”
Just a Boy and a Girl in a Little Canoe Page 21
