I feel him harden underneath me.
“Okay,” he says. “But I’m still mad.”
“I know,” I say. “You have every right to be mad.”
This time I stay awake. And it’s nice. Sweet and gentle and good.
After showering, we get brunch and then spend the day walking around Saratoga. There’s a cute Main Street, and we walk into the bookstore, and antique shops, candy stores, and cafés. I pick up artisanal lollipops for the kids. I am not sure why they’re artisanal, but they’re lollipops and all children like lollipops.
We hit the road back to camp at four thirty.
“I’ll be back next week,” I say as he pulls up to the office. “Last day of camp is Sunday, but then staff has to stay until Monday. Are you driving to Greenwich tonight?”
“Actually, I’m going back to Saratoga Springs,” he says.
“You are? Why?”
“There’s a horse race tomorrow. Might as well go. I’m gonna stay tonight and tomorrow to watch and then drive back Wednesday morning.”
“Don’t put all your winnings on one horse,” I say.
“Why not?” he asks. He kisses me. “When you know, you know.”
I force myself to smile. “Right. So I’ll see you next week?” My plan was to go home for a few days after camp, then to spend a few days at his parents’ house with him before returning to school together.
“Unless you want to make a run for it now?”
Part of me does. I shake my head. “Next week.”
“’Kay.” He kisses me again. “Love you.”
“You too,” I say. I hop out of the car, sling my backpack across my shoulder, and close the door.
I’m feeling down for the rest of the night. The kids all hug me when I come in, but they mostly just want to know if I brought them back anything. I hand out the artisanal lollipops.
“After dinner,” I say. “But not right before bed.”
Luckily Gavin is MIA the whole night. I spot him at dinner for two minutes, but for some reason he’s not at Evening Activity.
The junior section is playing Wheel of Fortune in the Rec Hall, and when Danish dismisses everyone to go to Milk and Cookies, I have a hard time getting up off the bench. Janelle stands and stretches her arms above her. It’s just the three of us left in the room.
“How was your day off?” Danish asks me.
I don’t know what to say. And suddenly I feel so entirely overwhelmed that I burst into tears.
“Oh, honey,” Janelle says, sitting on the bench beside me, and rubbing my back.
“What happened?” Danish says. She sits on the other side of me. “It’ll be okay. Whatever it is.”
“I . . .” I start sobbing even more. Before I know it, my face is dripping with tears and snot. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Janelle already knows this, probably, but—”
Janelle hitches up her red tube top. “I do?”
I nod. “He was in my bed.”
Her eyes widen. “Ooooooh. I do.”
“I’ve been hooking up with Gavin,” I say.
Now Danish is the one to say, “Oooooooooh.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. It happens,” she says. “Did you tell Eli?”
“No,” I say. “But honestly, I kinda thought that he had been hooking up with these girls in Europe!”
“Was he? Is that why you hooked up with Gavin?”
“Maybe?” I say. Then I shake my head. “No. I totally don’t know what Eli was doing. I just wanted to hook up with Gavin. Which makes me a horrible person, doesn’t it? I’m a horrible person.”
“You are not a horrible person,” Danish says. “You’re a human person who is nineteen and who has been away from her boyfriend for five weeks.”
“Expecting someone to be monogamous at our age is silly,” Janelle says. “You’re not married! You had a summer apart. It’s only natural that you might have feelings for someone else.”
I cry some more.
“Do you have feelings for Gavin?” Danish asks.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m definitely attracted to him. And he thinks I’m funny, and good at stuff, like being a counselor, and color war, and all that. And he helped when Fancy vomited, and he thinks this job is important, when Eli thinks it’s just fun and games. Eli was mad all summer that I couldn’t call, or that I was tired. But maybe that doesn’t matter. And anyway, Gavin has a girlfriend! It’s a mess. And also, I think I really am in love with Eli. So what do I do now?”
Danish puts her hand on my shoulder. “If you love Eli, just stop messing around with Gavin. Pretend it didn’t happen. Eli never has to know if you don’t want him to know.”
“But I don’t like lying,” I say.
“Then tell him. You can tell him and apologize and see if he’ll forgive you. Then you’ll know if he’s for real.”
I wipe my nose on the back of my arm. “Why would he forgive me?”
“Because he loves you?” Danish says. “Because he wants to be with you? Because he left you for the summer and understands that these things can happen? Or maybe he did hook up with someone and now you guys are even and can move on.”
I nod.
“I also think . . .” She hesitates.
“Yeah?”
“I think you need to think about what you want. And how you feel. Sure, maybe you hooked up with Gavin because he’s hot and because he’s here and because you were a little pissed off at Eli for leaving you for the summer. But maybe you also weren’t totally happy with your relationship with Eli.”
I nod. “I’m really confused.”
“Life is confusing,” Janelle says and laughs. “That’s part of the fun.”
“You’ll figure it out,” Danish says. “I know you will. And anyway, I have a great distraction for you tonight. Superbowl break at midnight. We’re waking up all the kids.”
“What is a Superbowl break?” Janelle asks.
“It’s like color war, but only two teams, and we play football for two days!”
“Fun!” Janelle says.
“Two days of football?” I groan. “That’s so much football. Is that where Gavin is tonight?”
She smiles. “He’s helping build the float. You’ll see.”
We all stay up since we know about the break. And at eleven fifty-five, Botts and Marissa come stomping through the hallway of our bunk. They are blaring “We Will Rock You” from one of their iPhones and screaming, “GET READY FOR THE SUPERBOWL!”
Some of the kids jump out of bed and the others hide under their covers.
“Getting them back to bed is going to be painful,” I say.
“Do we get a sleep-in tomorrow?” Prague asks.
“Nope,” Marissa tells her.
“This is going to be fun,” Janelle says.
“Everyone to the football field!” Botts cries out.
“Everyone take a sweatshirt!” I order as we usher all the kids to the football field.
A few of them run ahead, and I take the hands of the sleepy ones.
We surround the football field and wait for Marissa to take center stage. She grabs a megaphone. “We are so excited for Superbowl XX!!! Time to announce our captains!”
Everyone cheers. “For the Wolves team, wearing gray, we have Trevor Rudgers and Nora Steinberg! And for the Tigers, wearing black, we have the Tank and Janelle Moden!”
I spin to look at Janelle. She looks vaguely shocked but then throws her arms up in victory.
“Go, Janelle!” I scream. She is co-captain with the Tank? She is going to win FOR SURE.
She runs up to the center of the field.
I look to see where Lawrence is. He’s watching her. I look for Allie. She’s whispering to one of her co-counselors.
Whatever.
They divide the teams. Gavin’s on mine. He comes up to me after they call out the rest of the teams, and puts his hand on my waist in the dark.
I flinch. I realize it’s the first time I ha
ve not wanted him to touch me.
“Hey,” he says.
“Oh. Hey.” I take a step back. I don’t know what I want.
“How was your day off?” he asks.
“It was . . . good. Weird.”
He doesn’t say anything. “Can you meet me in like an hour? At the beach? I want to hear about it.”
“I . . . I’m actually exhausted,” I find myself saying. It’s not a lie. “Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Yeah. Sure.” He shrugs, and I watch him disappear into the night.
The next morning, Janelle’s alarm goes off at seven a.m. and she’s dressed in black shorts and a black tube top and jumping around in excitement.
I spot Gavin at flagpole but try not to look at him. I am not sure what to say. I’m not sure what I want.
So of course, I end up directly behind him in the hot breakfast line in the kitchen.
“Hey,” I say. “Sorry about yesterday.” I’m not sure why I am apologizing. But I can’t just avoid him.
“It’s fine. I was wiped, too.”
“Do you want to talk at Rest Hour?” I ask.
“I have to make an office run,” he says.
Calling Kat, he means. “Okay,” I say. “Another time.”
He nods.
I get my large bowl of scrambled eggs, two serving spoons, and head back to my table. And I can’t help but wonder—is it over? Just like that?
I practice with the girls on my team all morning.
Janelle pops by to watch mid-practice, and she’s smiling and cheering like crazy. “You guys are rock stars!” she says. “You’re going to smash the other team! Totally smash them!”
She looks so happy, and I’m thrilled for her.
After lunch, I am splayed across my bed resting when I hear the cabin door open. “Hello? Sam, you there?”
It’s Gavin.
Lis and Talia both look over.
I jump off my bed and push open the sheet. “Hey,” I say. “What’s up?”
“Can we talk?”
“Sure, let’s go outside,” I say. His eyes are red. He looks upset.
The Lower Field bleachers are empty, so we head to those. My heart is racing—did he tell her? Did she freak out?
I wait to sit down before I ask, “What happened?”
“She . . .” He takes a deep breath. “She broke up with me.”
I gasp in surprise. “You told her?”
“No,” he says, his knee bouncing. “I didn’t say anything. She did! She kissed some guy.”
“Wait. She did?” My heart speeds up. “Was it Eli?”
“What?” He looks up at me. “No. Not Eli. Alain. Some French guy,” he says, and his voice turns bitter.
I feel a wave of both relief and disappointment. “I did not see that coming.”
“Me neither.”
My heart stops. “Did you tell her? About me?” If he told her, she could be messaging Eli right now.
He shakes his head. “No. I didn’t say anything about you or about anyone.”
“What do you mean, anyone? Was there someone besides me?”
He shakes his head quickly. “No, no, I meant about me being with anyone. I didn’t tell her anything. She was just saying all this stuff on the phone, about how she couldn’t help the way she felt, and she hadn’t known if this Alain would like her back, and she still cares about me, and how they kissed last night and she wants more. So, she broke up with me because she wants to be as honest as possible and not lead me on when her feelings have changed. She’s probably fucking him right now.”
The word makes me jump. It sounds so crude. Also, she broke up with him because she wants to hook up with some other guy? Wants to? Not did? Is she the most righteous person ever?
Or am I just the worst?
“I know I’m a hypocrite,” he says. “I have no right to be mad at her. I have no right to feel like shit. But I am. And I do. She’s just . . . I’ve never met anyone like her. I can’t believe she broke up with me. I can’t believe it’s over.”
Ouch. Wow. Now I can’t stop thinking about Kat. Kat who did the right thing. Kind of. She called her boyfriend and was straight with him before anything major happened. She could have just slept with Alain and no one would ever know, but she didn’t.
Kat did the right thing. I should have done the right thing.
“I think I’m going to need to tell Eli,” I say.
He closes his eyes. “Great.”
“Not, like, today. At some point. I don’t think I can stay with him if I don’t. And I want to be with him. At least I think I do.”
I do love him. And I hate the idea of him not loving me anymore. “I’ll try to leave you out of it,” I say.
“Whatever. It doesn’t really matter now anyway, does it?” He sighs. “This sucks.”
“I need to get back to the girls.” I stand up. I don’t really need to get back to the girls. I just don’t want to be sitting here with him right now.
“See you later,” he says.
“Yeah.”
On my way back to the bunk, I feel the tears roll down my face. I don’t even know why I’m crying.
Danish is stepping up to the bunk at the same time. “You okay?”
“No,” I say. “I think I need to tell Eli.”
She nods. “I understand. Are you going now?”
“Going where?”
“To tell him. I thought that’s what you meant,” she says.
“No, I meant at some point. Like after the summer. Eventually.”
But there is something so freeing about the idea of telling him . . . right now. There is such a heavy weight on my chest. The idea of letting that go . . . “You don’t mind if I leave? I’ll be back soon. Tonight.”
“I’ll cover you. Head staff is basically off today and tomorrow anyway. Camp is over in four days. Can you be back by curfew?”
I nod. “You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
I’m not even sure what my plan is, but after grabbing my phone and my wallet, I hurry to my car. I text as I walk.
Are you still in Saratoga Springs? I have a few hours off. Can I come see you?
Three dots.
Of course! All good?
I hesitate and then type.
Not really.
He’s sitting on a bench in front of the hotel when I drive up. I park and sit beside him.
“Hey,” he says. He puts his hand on my knee. “What’s wrong?”
“I . . .” My voice closes up. “I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to say it. I hooked up with someone at camp. I’m sorry. I should have . . . I don’t know what I should have done. Not done it. Told you. I don’t even know why I did it. He was there and you weren’t. That’s not the only reason. I think I was mad at you for going away and then you didn’t seem to be taking my job seriously and then you didn’t tell me about the girls you were traveling with . . . I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I love you. I didn’t realize how much I messed up until I saw you.”
He looks like someone punched him in the stomach. “I . . . I don’t know what to say. Are you saying you were with someone else and it’s my fault?”
“No. Yes.” My head is spinning and my hands are freezing. “I didn’t mean to blame you. I think I convinced myself that you were hooking up with people over there—”
“I wasn’t,” he says dully.
“I know. I just thought . . . or I wanted to think . . . I don’t know. I was confused. But it’s over.” I can’t catch my breath. “I want to be with you. And I need you to know that it’s over.”
He puts his hands on the bench, as if he’s steadying himself. He looks woozy. “I would never have touched someone else. I love you. I loved you.”
The past tense makes me feel like someone punched me in the stomach.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I suddenly feel desperate. “Do you think you could forgive me? It’s over. For real, it’s over. I’m sorry. So sorr
y.”
“I don’t know,” he says. “Are you going back to camp?”
“What?”
He crosses his arms and glares at me. “Are you going back? Tonight.”
“Yeah. I have to go back.”
“I don’t want you to see him.”
“I won’t be with him,” I say quickly. “But I have to see him. I work with him.”
“No. Don’t go back.” He shakes his head again and again and again. “If you want us to have a chance of getting back together, don’t go back. Stay here with me.”
“I . . .” I was not expecting this. “Eli, I have to go back. It’s my job. And my stuff is there.”
He stands up and looks back at the hotel. “Then there’s nothing to say. We’re over.”
No, no, no. “I know you’re mad,” I say. “I know I hurt you. And I’m so, so sorry. Can we talk when I get back?”
“I don’t know,” he says. He stands up and fidgets with his phone. “I need to go.”
He’s crying. I made him cry. I can’t believe I made him cry. I feel myself start to cry too. What did I do?
I sit on the bench, and watch him walk away.
I have to stop the car a few times to catch my breath, but I make it back to camp by eight. As I pull into the parking lot, I see the kids crossing the road in the distance. They must be going to the CL for a movie. I can’t face them right now. I lean my head on the steering wheel and wait.
What am I doing? How could I have done that to him? I made him cry. I made someone I love cry! What is wrong with me? I start crying again.
About two minutes later I hear a knock on the glass.
It’s Botts.
I roll down the window. “Hi,” I say, my voice faint.
“Playing hooky? Where did you go?”
“Danish said it was okay. I . . .” My voice trails off and I start to cry again. “Everything is okay, I just . . .”
“Oh, crap, Sammy, I’m sorry. Come here, come here.” He opens the car door and helps me out. I’m still crying so he hugs me. I cry into his blue hoodie.
“Let’s go somewhere,” he says.
“Where?” I ask.
“What’s your favorite place in camp?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “The softball field?”
“Of course it is,” he says. “Come on.”
Just a Boy and a Girl in a Little Canoe Page 22
