Death on the Installment Plan

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  There was lots of clear weather now … new breezes, sweet, enchanting smells. Daffodils and daisies quivered in every field … The sky went back where it belonged and kept its clouds to itself like everybody else. No more of that peasoup that never stops coming down, that pukes all over the countryside … Easter came in May, the kids were bursting with impatience … They were going home to see their parents … It would be time for me to leave too … My stay was coming to an end. I was quietly steeling myself … when we received a registered envelope, a letter from my uncle with money in it and a few words … He told me to stay on, to have patience for another three months … it would be much wiser … Uncle Édouard was a good guy! It was a marvelous surprise … He’d done it on his own hook … From sheer kindness of heart … He knew my father … He could imagine the tragedies that would break out if I came home like a dope, without any English to my name … It was sure to be pretty lousy …

  All in all I was thoroughly recalcitrant, ungrateful, repulsive. I could have made a bit of an effort, it wouldn’t have killed me … to give him pleasure … But just as I was about to give in, I felt the gall coming back in my throat … the whole rotten business rose up … the whole stinking mess … To hell with it … I’d be damned if I’d learn anything … I’d come home crummier than ever … I’d been buttoning up for months … Hah, that’s the ticket, don’t talk to anybody, not here and not over there … If you’re little, you’ve got to be tough … Open your mouth, and they’ll step on you. That’s the stuff, if you ask me … You’re not very big? So get hard. I could keep my trap shut for another few years! Absolutely! I only had to think of the Gorloges, of little André, of Berlope, and even old lady Divonne with her piano playing, her eighth notes, and her Moonlight … Balls! Time didn’t do a bit of good … They came back at me sharper than ever, and even a damn sight sourer … Bah! … My head was still full of it—the thousands of beatings, the slaps, the swift kicks … Christ! And all their stinking rottenness, and my buddies and the fags and the floozies and all their lowdown tricks! … What was I supposed to do? Think about a lot of hooey? “Ever and ever!” like the little stinker? … Amen! Amen! Applesauce! I made faces. I imitated them all by myself. I made a face like Antoine when he was shitting in the can … I shat in his face … Language? Language? Speak? Speak? About what? …

  I’d never seen Nora dressed in a light color, a tight-fitting blouse, pink satin … It brought her boobies right out … The movement of her hips was terrific too … The way they swayed, the mystery of the ass …

  It was coming on to the end of April … She tried again to cheer me up, to win me over … One afternoon I see her coming out for our walk with a book … A great big one, some kind of Bible, to judge by the size and weight … We go to the usual place … we settle down … She opens the book on her knees … I can’t help looking on … The effect on kid Jongkind was magical … He plunged his nose into it … he didn’t budge … The colors fascinated him … This book was full of pictures, marvelous illustrations … I didn’t need to know how to read it, I knew all about it … I could see the princes, the upraised lances, the knights … the purple, the greens, the scarlets, all the armor studded with rubies … The whole shooting match … It was a good job … Well done … I knew good work when I saw it, it was tops … She turned the pages slowly … She began telling the story. She wanted to read it to us word for word … Her fingers were terrific … like beams of light on every page that passed … I’d have liked to lick them … to suck them … I was under the spell … Just the same I didn’t say boo … I looked at the book all by myself … I didn’t ask a single question … I didn’t repeat a word … what most amazed Jongkind was the beautiful gilt edges … they dazzled him, he went to pick daisies, he came back and strewed them all over us, he filled the margins with them … The two most marvelous pages were in the middle of the book … A whole battle spread all over . . an amazing turmoil … Dromedaries, elephants, Templars charging … A hecatomb of cavalry … All the barbarians routed! … It was really marvelous … I couldn’t stop looking … I was almost going to talk … I was going to ask questions… . Bing! … I tighten up, I get sore … Rotten luck! … Another second! … But I didn’t say boo … I clutched the grass … To hell with it, no more stories for me! … I was vaccinated … What about little André? Wasn’t he the prize cocksucker? … Hadn’t he screwed me good? Hadn’t he? … Some skunk he turned out to be! … Didn’t I remember plenty of legends? And my own damn foolishness? Am I right or am I wrong? Once you get into the habit, where does it get you? … So stop batting my brains out! Leave me alone! … Leave me to my bread and onions! … I’d rather be unhappy than listen to stories … OK, that does it. It’s all settled … I even proved I was a man, I cleared out with Jongkind, I let her read her book by herself … completely flummoxed in the grass …

  The idiot and I ran down to the river … We came up by way of the pigeons … When we got back, I looked at her face … She was on her way home with her pictures … She certainly thought I was pigheaded … She was certainly sad … She was in no hurry to get back … We started off very slowly … We stopped near the bridge … It had already struck six … She looked at the water … The Medway has a strong current … When the tides are high, it gets really wild … It comes down in big eddies. The bridge shakes in the whirlpools … The water is hoarse, it makes hollow sounds … it gasps in big yellow knots …

  Nora leaned way over, then she quickly raised her head … She looked far away into the distance, at the day sinking behind the houses on the coast … It threw a light on her face … A sadness that made her features tremble … It grew stronger … she couldn’t stand it, it made her all fragile … She had to close her eyes …

  As soon as Hopeful Academy was finished, our kids began to leave. The ones that wanted to clear out didn’t even wait until Easter … Six day-pupils left at the end of April, and four boarders, their old men came and got them … They didn’t think Meanwell College was good enough anymore … They drew comparisons with that other dazzling place …

  I’ve got to admit it, Hopeful Academy made quite a splash in the middle of its grounds … The building alone was worth the trip … All of red brick, it looked out over Rochester, you couldn’t see anything else on the whole hillside … They’d put up an enormous flagpole on the lawn, they flew great big banners, every pavilion in the Maritime Register, and yards, shrouds, the whole works, for the kids that wanted to learn about rigging and seafaring and prepare for the naval academy.

  That’s how I lost little Jack, my little jerker-offer … He had to transship, his father wanted him to be a sailor … The Hopeful made a lot of fancy publicity about getting you ready for the navy …

  We lost so many boarders that in the end there were only five of us at Meanwell, including Jongkind … The survivors weren’t very happy, actually they were burned up … They must have been behindhand with their payments, they couldn’t settle their bills, that’s why they were stuck … The football team melted away in a week … The Pitwitt Pimplies, the charity palefaces, came around twice more, asking us to crush them. We tried to explain, to tell them it was all over … they didn’t understand … They missed their “twelve to nothing.” They couldn’t understand … They had no rivals left … not a one … It depressed them something awful … They went home deep in gloom …

  The Hopeful boys were too snooty, they wouldn’t play them, they snubbed them like lepers … They said they were in a higher category … The Pitwitts were sunk … They had to match up with themselves …

  At our table at Meanwell the tragedy was getting serious … bitter and grim … Nora Merrywin did wonders to keep the meals going. The maids left … First Gertrude, the older one, and then four days later, Flossie … A cleaning woman came … Nora hardly touched her food anymore … She left us all the marmalade, she didn’t touch it, she didn’t put any more sugar in her tea, she took her porridge without milk, that left more for the rest of us …
But I was awfully ashamed just the same … When the pudding was passed on Sunday, there was such a rush we almost bent our spoons … We chipped all the platters … It was a wild scramble … Merrywin lost patience, he didn’t say anything, but he wiggled all over, he fidgeted in his chair the whole time, he beat a tattoo on the table, he cut the prayers short so we’d get out quicker … Things were getting too ticklish in the dining room… .

  In class he did the same thing … He climbed up on his platform … He put on his pleated cape, his lawyer’s robes … He sat behind his desk, all huddled up in his chair, staring at the class … He began to blink and wiggle all his fingers, waiting for the time to be up … He didn’t talk to the pupils anymore … the kids could do as they pleased …

  Merrywin was getting thin, he’d always had enormous protruding ears, now they looked like the wings of an airplane … The four kids that were left made enough rumpus for forty … and then they got sick of it and simply walked out … anywhere … to the garden … into the street … They left Merrywin all alone, they joined us on our walk. Later we’d meet him on the road … we’d pass him in the open country … we’d see him coming in the distance … he’d race toward us, perched on an enormous tricycle …

  “Hello, Nora! Hello, boys!” he’d shout as he passed … He’d slow down a second … “Hello, Peter!” she answered ever so sweetly … They smiled at each other very politely … “Good day, Mr. Merrywin,” all the kids took up in chorus … He’d go racing on. We watched him as he left, pedaling away till he was out of sight. He was home before us …

  The way things were going, I felt I’d be leaving very soon … I stopped writing again … I didn’t know what to say, what to invent anymore … I’d thought up everything I could … I was fed up with all that bullshit … What was the use? … I preferred to enjoy the time that was left, not to be bothered with letters. But now that Jack was gone, it wasn’t so much fun in the dormitory … the little stinker certainly knew how to suck …

  I was jerking off for Nora too much, my cock was bone dry … in the silence I dreamed up some new ideas … much more ingenious, more amusing, more tempting … my fatigue was even making me affectionate … Before leaving Meanwell, I’d have liked to see the kid doing it with her old man … The idea got under my skin … suddenly I had a craving to see them together … it gave me a hard-on just to think of it. What would he do to her exactly?

  I had experience at the racket … But it wasn’t an easy trick to pull off …They had separate rooms … His was on the right side of the hall, right after the gas jet … That was handy enough … But to get a look in at Nora’s room I’d have had to go out the other end of the dormitory and go up the stairs … it was after the washroom … It was difficult … complicated …

  How did they fuck? Did they do it in his room? or hers? I made up my mind … This was something I had to see … I’d waited too long …

  Now that there were only five boarders, it was much easier to move around … Besides, the old man had stopped coming in at night to say prayers … The kids went to sleep very quickly once they’d warmed themselves up good … I waited till they were sawing wood … once I heard their snores, I slipped into my pants, I pretended I was going to the can … and then I tiptoed …

  When I got to the old man’s door, I bent down. I looked through the keyhole … I was screwed … The key hadn’t been taken out … I went on … like I had to take a leak … I come back quick … I lie down again … But that wasn’t the end … It’s now or never, I says to myself … There wasn’t a sound in the whole place … I pretend I’m asleep … I lie there a couple of minutes, tingling but perfectly still … I wasn’t nuts … I’d seen the light through the transom … Right over the door … It was the same layout as on the rue Elzévir … I says to myself: “If they catch you there, kid, you’ll never hear the last of it.” I took extreme precautions … I tote a chair into the hall … If they catch me, I figure I’ll make out I’ve been walking in my sleep … I put my chair down right next to the door. I wait, I sit down a while … I flatten myself against the wall … I hear a kind of thud inside … Like two pieces of wood knocking together . , . Could that be coming from his bed? … I make sure the back of the chair is balanced all right … I climb up, an eighth of an inch at a time … I straighten up … even more slowly … I’m on a level with the pane … Ah! I’ve made it! Jeepers! I can see perfectly. I can see everything! … I see my man … He’s all sprawled out in an armchair … But he’s absolutely alone! No sign of the kid! … Ah! He’s mother-naked … Say! … Stretched out by the fire, all glowing … He’s positively scarlet! He’s so hot that he’s puffing … He’s naked to the belly … He’s kept on his drawers and cloak, the one with the pleats, his lawyer’s robe … it’s dragging on the floor behind him …

  The fire’s blazing hot … The whole room is crackling … The big dope is all lit up by the glow … He doesn’t seem unhappy … he’s kept his lid on, the little one with the tassel … Ah! The stinker, it tips, it topples … He catches it, he puts it back on … He’s sadder than in the classroom … He’s playing all by himself … He’s got a cup-and-ball … A big one! A colossus! He shakes it, he balances, he tries to catch the ball in the cup … He misses, he giggles … he doesn’t get angry … His cap falls off again … his cloak too … He picks them up as best he can … He burps, he sighs … He puts his toy down for a minute … He pours himself a big glass of liquid … He sips it very slowly … So that’s where the whiskey is! … He even has two bottles beside him on the floor … And two siphons … within easy reach … and a pot of marmalade … a whole pot! … He digs into it with a big spoon … he lifts it up … he gets it all over him … he’s eating! … He goes back to his game … he empties another glass … The string gets caught, it winds up around the caster of the armchair … He tugs at it, gets all muddled … he grumbles … he lets out a big laugh … He can’t find his hands … He’s tied … It only makes him laugh, the damn fool … I’ve seen enough… I come down off my perch … I pick up my chair very quietly … I slip back down the hall … Nobody’s stirred … I go back to bed …

  We worried along until Easter vacation … We had to cut down something awful … on food … on candles … on heat … The last few weeks the kids, the ones that were left, didn’t listen to anybody … They did what they pleased … The old man didn’t even give classes anymore … He stayed in his room the whole time … or else he went out all alone on his tricycle … on long excursions …

  The new maid came … She didn’t even last a week … The kids were impossible, insufferable, they turned the whole kitchen upside down … A cleaning woman took the maid’s place, but only in the morning. Nora helped her to do the rooms and the dishes too … She put on gloves for that … She protected her beautiful hair with an embroidered handkerchief, she made a kind of turban out of it …

  In the afternoon I took the idiot for a walk, I did it all by myself. Nora couldn’t come anymore, she had the cooking to do … She didn’t tell us where to go … I was the boss … We took our time … We took all the same streets and sidewalks, and then down along the waterfront. I looked all over for the fritter kid, I’d have liked to run into her. She wasn’t anywhere in town with her cart … Neither in the harbor nor in the market … nor around the new barracks … No sign of her …

  We had some good times on our walks … Jongkind behaved pretty well … Except you had to be careful not to get him excited … When we passed soldiers, for instance, brass bands, loud music, you couldn’t hold him … There were lots of them around Chatham … and sailors too … On their way home from drilling they played wild tunes, triumphant hornpipes … That sent Jongkind out of his mind … He ran right into the band like a dart … It knocked him for a loop … It had the same effect on him as football … He’d dive right into the boom-booms!

  A regiment is a lively thing, the color, the rhythm … it stands out against the weather … The band was scarlet… They made a b
ig splash against the sky and the dun-colored walls … The Scotsmen puff their cheeks out when they play; they’re chesty and husky and strong when they play; winsome and stalwart, they play their bagpipes; their music has hair on its legs …

  We followed them to their “barracks,” their tents in the open fields … We discovered other parts of the country, past the soldiers … past Stroud and still further … on the other side of another river. We always came back by way of the school, the girls’ school behind the station, we waited for them to come out … We didn’t say anything, we just looked, we sopped up the vision … We came back down by way of the Arsenal, the special cinder field where the “pros” played, real tough guys, who practiced by the numbers, with narrow goals, for the Nelson Cup. They kicked so hard they split all their footballs …

  We came home as late as possible … I waited until it was really dark, until I saw all the streets were lighted, then I took High Street, the one that ends by our steps … Often it was after eight o’clock … The old man was waiting for us in the hall, he was afraid to say anything, he was reading his paper …

  As soon as we came in, we sat down to table … Nora waited on us … Merrywin didn’t talk anymore … He didn’t say anything to anybody … it was getting to be the easy life … As soon as Jongkind started his soup, he began to drool. We left him alone now. We didn’t wipe him off until the meal was over.

  None of the brats came back from Easter vacation. There was nobody left at Meanwell but Jongkind and me. The joint was a desert.

  To save on housework they closed off a whole floor. The furniture had gone, they sold it piece by piece, first the chairs, then the tables, the two cupboards, and even the beds. There was nothing left but our two beds. They were really liquidating … There was more to eat though … Quantities of jam … all we wanted … we could take seconds on pudding … The food was plentiful, what a change … that was really something new … Nora did the heavy work, but she prettied up all the same. At the table she was perfectly charming, almost playful …