Death on the Installment Plan

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “Hey, you stay right here,” I tell the old witch. “I’m going to get help … I’ll be back in a minute … They’ll give us a hand … Don’t move … That must be Jeanne’s farm … They’re the ones that heard it.”

  So I come up to the house … First I knock on the door, then on the shutters … Nobody seems to notice … I try again … I double back to the stables … I go right into the yard … I knock … I knock some more … I yell … Still no sign of life … But I could feel there was somebody around … The chimney was smoking … I shake the door with all my might … I tap, I clatter on the windowpanes … I’ll tear the shutters down if they don’t come … And then a face peeps out after all … It’s the Arton kid … by a first marriage … He’s not taking any chances … He just barely shows himself … I tell him what I want … Could they give me a hand carrying him? … Just those few words send her sky-high … She won’t allow it … she comes to life … She wouldn’t even think of touching it … She won’t even let her lousy brat answer me … She won’t even let him go out … He’s going to stay right there with his mother … If I can’t get him off the road, why don’t I call the police? … “That’s what they’re there for …” The Artons aren’t going to get mixed up in this … not for anything in the world … They haven’t seen a thing … or heard anything … They don’t even know what I’m talking about …

  Old lady des Pereires up there on the embankment watched me parleying … She let out terrible screams … She was making a disgusting stink … That was the way she was … After the first shock you couldn’t hold her … I pointed her out to the two savages … the poor woman in despair …

  “Do you hear that? I suppose you can’t hear her? … Her terrible grief! … We can’t leave her husband out there in the muck, can we? … What are you afraid of? Good God, it’s not a dog … he hasn’t got rabies … It’s not a calf … he hasn’t got hoof-and-mouth disease … He’s killed himself and that’s that … He was perfectly healthy … He hasn’t got the glanders … The least we can do is shelter him in the barn for a while … till they can come and take him away … Before the traffic starts up … They’ll run him over …” Those shitheels were adamant … The more I tried, the more pigheaded they got … “No, no!” they yelled. Certainly not, they wouldn’t take him in … not on their property … never, never! … they wouldn’t even open the door for me … they told me to beat it … They were burning me up … So I says to this rotten bitch:

  “All right, all right! That’ll do, madame. I see. You won’t help. That’s your last word? You’re sure? All right, It’s your ass … In that case I’m going to stay right here … That’s right … I’ll stay a week! I’ll stay a month! I’ll stay as long as I have to! I’ll yell until they come! … I’ll yell so everybody can hear me, I’ll tell them it was you … that you engineered the whole thing! …” That got them … Christ, were they scared! They were shitless! … And I went right on … I wasn’t going to stop … Those scums made me so mad I’d have thrown an epileptic fit to show them … They didn’t know how to make me shut up … The old lady up on the bank was shouting louder and louder … She told me to hurry … “Ferdinand, hey, Ferdinand … Bring hot water … Bring a sack … a cloth! …” The only thing those two bastards were willing to do … in the end after my song and dance and to make me let go their blind … was lend me their wheelbarrow on condition that I’d positively bring it back that same day … rinsed, cleaned … and scrubbed with Javel water … They said it over and over … They repeated it twenty times … So I toted the thing up the hill … I had to come back down to ask for a trowel … to pry the ear loose … to break up the lumps … Little by little we made it … But then the blood began to gush again, it flowed profusely … His flannel vest was one big jelly, a pudding inside his frock coat … the gray was all red … But the worst was getting the gun out … The barrel stuck so hard to the enormous plug of meat and brains … it was so completely wedged into the mouth and skull … that it took the two of us … She held the head on one end and I pulled at the butt on the other … When the brain let loose’, it gushed out even harder … it dripped down sideways … steaming, it was still hot … a stream of blood spurted from the neck … He’d impaled himself completely … He’d fallen on his knees … He’d collapsed like that … with the barrel deep in his mouth … He’d stove his whole head in …

  Once we got him loose, we turned him over on his back … belly and face up … but he folded again … He was still like a Z … Luckily we managed to squeeze him in between the sides of the wheelbarrow … We still had trouble though with the neck, the stump of the head … It kept dangling against the wheel … The old girl took off her petticoat and her heavy kilt … to bundle up his head in … so it wouldn’t drip so hard … But the minute we started moving again, with the bumps and jolts, it started gushing thicker than ever … They could have followed our tracks … It was slow going … we took little short steps. I stopped every two minutes … Those four miles took us at least three hours … I saw the gendarmes way in the distance … or rather their horses … right outside the farm … They were waiting for us … There were four of them plus the sergeant … And besides there was one in civilian clothes, a big guy I didn’t know … I’d never seen him before … We were crawling … I wasn’t in any hurry at all … But we finally got there … They’d seen us coming … all the way down from the ridge … They must have spotted us even before we went into the woods …

  “OK! Leave the wheelbarrow in the doorway, you little stinker! This way, both of you … The inspector’ll be here in a little while … Put the handcuffs on him … and her too …” They shut us up in the barn. One of the cops guarded the door.

  We waited several hours in the hay … I could hear the mob collecting in front of the farm. The village was crowding up … They were pouring in from all directions … Some of the hicks must have been right there under the arch … I could hear them talking … The inspector hadn’t come yet … The sergeant came and went, getting madder and madder … He was making a show of activity while waiting for the orders … He was dishing out orders to his men …

  “Push back the crowd. And bring me the prisoners …” He’d already questioned all the kids … He had us brought in to him and then he sent us back to the barn … After a while he hauled us out for good … The bastard browbeat us … He was eager-beavering … He threw his weight around, trying to terrorize us … probably so’s to make us talk … so we’d confess right away … He had another think coming … He said we had no right to tote the body around … That was a felony in itself … We shouldn’t have touched it … It was doing fine on the road … that now he wouldn’t be able to make his report … What do you think of that? … and that twenty-five years in the pen would teach us a thing or two! Hell! that boy didn’t like us … Anyway, the worst kind of bullshit … a lot of stupid cocksucking bellowing …

  The old lady wasn’t acting up much since we’d come back … She just sat there crying, huddled against the door. Once in a while she let out a hiccup, followed by the same two three laments …

  “I’d never have expected it, Ferdinand … Oh, it’s too much … Too much misery, Ferdinand … I haven’t the strength … No! … I can’t go on … I can’t believe it … I can’t believe it’s true, Ferdinand … What do you think? … Is it really true? Do you think it’s true? … Oh no, it can’t be …” She was really stunned … She was out for the count … she was goofy crosseyed … But when that cop started in again, calling us criminals in his stupid hayseed accent … that stirred her up … Worn-out as she was, she bridled at the affront … Christ! … She bounded like a tiger … She was in form again.

  “What’s that? What’s that?” she flung at him … “I don’t quite follow you … What’s that you say? …” She shoved her face into his … “What’s that you’re telling me? … That I did him in? … Why, you’ve been drinking, my good man! … You’ve got your nerve with you! … Or are you c
razy, the whole lot of you? … What’s that? You’re accusing me? … Of killing that scoundrel? That gallows bird? … I’ll remember that one … Oh, it’s rich … I’ll have to write it down … That stinker who’s been my misfortune … and nothing else but … He’s the murderer … He’s been murdering me for years … Vampire? He’s the vampire! … And not just once! not ten times! not a hundred times! but a thousand times! Two thousand! … Why, he was murdering me every single day before you were even born … I ran myself ragged for that man! … tore my guts out! … I went hungry for weeks on end so they wouldn’t take him away to Rungis … All my life, you hear? Tortured … abused … that’s right … crushed! Yes, all my life for that skunk! … I did everything in my power to save him … Everybody knows that … Why don’t you keep your questions for them, for the people who know … who know us … who saw what I did? … Go to the Palais-Royal … Go to Montretout … They know me … They know all I did … all I went through … Ferdinand can tell you … He’s young, but he understands … I performed miracles, monsieur, to keep him from falling back into the gutter … miracles … and dishonor … That was his nature … He wallowed lower than a pig if you turned your back for half a minute … He fell into every cesspool … He couldn’t help it … That’s right … I’m not afraid to say it … He was a dungheap … I’ve nothing to hide … Anyway, everybody knows it … He had no shame, heavens above … Every evil instinct … every last one … the vilest … things you gendarmes are too young to understand … You’re even too young to hear about them!”

  She looked the cops up and down … Her hair was loose, it fell down over her eyes in scraggly gray wisps … She was sweating hard … She reeled a little, she sat down.

  “You fellows think it’s decent the way he ended up? … Is that all you’ve got to say? … Treat me like a whore? … That’s my reward! … If you knew about the debts! … Ah? … That’s news to you? … He didn’t give a good god damn … Bills, bills, bills … You go pay them, you old crab! … And always new ones pouring in … Break your back, that’s what you’re good for … Double-talk! Cock-and-bull stories! Sleighrides! Hokum! Liquor! … That’s how he lived! That’s all he knew! Swindling and low living! He hadn’t an ounce of feeling! …” She was convulsed with misery, bellowing between spasms …

  “It was me! me that saved his house to the bitter end! If I hadn’t fought for it, it would have been sold centuries ago … He couldn’t control himself … The dirty bastard took advantage of my being so sick just then that I didn’t know what was going on … He unloaded … he drank it all up … he sold us out bag and baggage! Ask if it’s not true … if I’m a liar … He never spared me anything! Never! He couldn’t … It was second nature with him … He had to torture me … All for his whores! For his vices! His horses! His races! His damn foolishness! His drinking, and I don’t know what else … Generous? … He gave to strangers … It was all the same to him, as long as it went out fast … It slipped through his fingers … I could be on my deathbed, he didn’t care … That’s what he always wanted … Thirty years it went on … Thirty years I put up with it … Thirty years isn’t five minutes … So now I get accused! … After all the vilest affronts … after all I’ve suffered … Oh no, it’s too much! …” The enormity of the thing sent her into hysterics again. “What’s that? What’s that? It can’t be! So now he disfigures himself … He shoves off … He makes hash of himself, and I’m the guilty party? My oh my, that takes the cake! … It’s enough to make your hair stand on end! What a filthy business! To the very end that stinking rotten clown has poisoned my existence … you can say that again! … But I’m not going to take it lying down! … I’m still here! … It’s up to you! … Hold the fort, you old mule! There won’t be anything left! Not a crumb! Nothing but debts! Nothing but debts! He doesn’t give a damn … as long as he can spend … He took everything I had … Ferdinand knows all about it … He saw how the land lay … He saw how I toiled and struggled and racked my brains to the very last minute … so as not to leave Montretout … so as not to come to this stinking hole … and bury myself with his potatoes … All in vain! … He was dead set on disaster … Ferdinand knows that too! … I’ve wasted my life … I’ve lost everything for that jack-in-the-box … that unbelievable scoundrel! My position, my career! my profession, my friends! … Everything! my parents! … Nobody wanted to see us anymore … except a bunch of cutthroats! A gang of crazy hoodlums … escaped from the bughouse … I ruined my health … First my operation … And I’ve aged twenty years in the last six months … Before that I never had anything wrong with me … I didn’t know what a cold was … I could digest anything … I had a stomach like an ostrich … But what with one disaster after another … That’s all he ever brought home … And there was never an end to it … We’d hardly finished one … Whoops! … He’d dream up another … loonier than the last … It undermined my resistance … That’s not hard to understand … I was operated, it was bound to happen … They warned me at Péan’s: ‘Don’t keep on with that kind of life, Madame des Pereires … it’ll turn out very badly … Take it easy! Take care of yourself! … Avoid worry! …’ Ah, go shit in your hat! It got worse from year to year! Never a moment’s peace … Nothing but lawsuits, summonses … Green papers … yellow papers … Creditors at every door! … Persecuted! … That’s the life I’ve had … Persecuted day and night! Exactly! Hunted like a criminal! For his sake … always for him! … Who could bear up under that? … I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in twenty years … if you want to know … That’s the honest truth … Everything’s been taken away from me … My sleep, my appetite, my savings … I’ve got such flashes I can’t stand up … I can’t take a bus anymore … I’m sick to my stomach right away … Any time I try to hurry, even on foot, I see stars … And now they tell me I’m the murderer … That’s the prize package! … My advice to you is to think it over before you say such things …”

  She led them out under the arch, the four cops and the sergeant … She went up to the body … she lifted the pants leg …

  “You see those socks? … Take a good look … Well, he’s got the only pair … There’s not another in the house … The rest of us haven’t got any … Never did … Neither Ferdinand nor the kids …” She hiked up her own pants to show the cops …”I’m barefoot myself … Go on, see for yourself … We always went without just for him … for him and nobody else … He took everything … We gave him everything we had . . He had everything … Always did! … Two houses … a magazine … at the Palais-Royal! … motors … thousands of gadgets and infernal majugguses … God knows how much they cost … the skin off your ass … The whole works … just to satisfy his whims … I can’t even begin to tell you … I never crossed him … Don’t worry, that’s not why he bumped himself off … He was spoiled! … He was rotten! … That’s right … rotten! … You want electrical jiggers? … All right, son, here you are … You think we should go to the country? … OK, we’ll go … You want some more potatoes? … Sure, go right ahead … It never stopped … Never a moment’s doubt … it was cut-and-dried … His highness couldn’t wait … Wouldn’t you want the moon by any chance? … Splendid, my love, you’ll have it … Always more fancy ideas … new crazes! … You couldn’t be more indulgent with a six-month-old baby … He had everything he wanted … before he could even open his mouth! Ah, that was my weakness … Well, I’ve got my punishment … Ah, if I’d only known … if I’d known what you people were going to say … Believe me, I’d never have brought him back … I don’t know how the kid felt about it … But as far as I’m concerned, take it from me, I’d have sooner chucked him in the ditch! Then you wouldn’t come around maligning me … That’s where he ought to be … The rotten filthy scum! That’s all he deserves! I don’t give a shit about going to prison … It’s all one to me … I won’t be worse off than anywhere else … But Christ almighty Jesus, no! Hell, no! I’m not such a sucker …”

  “That’ll do! Come over here �
�� You can tell all that to the judge! First answer my questions … We’ve heard enough talk … You say you don’t know the gun he killed himself with? … But you brought it back … And the kid? Had he seen it? … He’d rammed it into his head, eh? That’s how you found it, isn’t it? The two of you pulled it out, eh? … How did it happen according to you?”