Death on the Installment Plan

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  She was horrified … Her eyes gaped white … “You don’t know it? … Sure you know it … Forgive us our trespasses … Come along! Together! There! As I’ll forgive you … Come! As I forgive you! … Say it after me, dammit … you little punk! …”

  At this she gives me a big clout … The cops next door were in stitches.

  “Oh, so you do know it … after all … He went up, Mr. Engineer, he went up … it was marvelous … He went up to six thousand feet … I went up with him wherever he went … Yes … I went up … You can trust me … It’s the honest truth … I swear … I swear it …” She tried crossing herself … She couldn’t make it … she got tangled up in her rags …

  “In the hydrogen! In the hydrogen, dear sirs … You can ask anybody … I’m not lying …” She prostrated herself beside the body, she threw herself square on top of it … She pleaded …

  “My poor darling! … My poor love! … They won’t believe you anymore. Oh! … It’s too awful … They won’t believe you … I don’t know how to tell them … I don’t know what to do … I don’t know how he went up … I don’t know how far … I’m a hateful woman … It’s all my fault! … It’s my fault, Mr. Engineer … Oh yes, yes! … I did it all! … I did nothing but harm! He went up two hundred times … a hundred times! … I can’t remember, my love! … Two hundred! … Six! … Six hundred times … I don’t know … I don’t know anything anymore … It’s terrible … Mr. Engineer! … Three hundred! … More! … Much more! … I don’t know! …” She threw her arms around him in the balloon cover … she clutched him convulsively … “Courtial! Courtial! I’ve forgotten everything! …” She clutched her throat … She started in on her head again, tearing out her hair by handfuls, rolling on the ground … She ransacked her memory …

  “Three thousand! … Ten thousand! … Jesus! … Ferdinand! Can’t you say anything? … It’s too much! … Holy fucking God! …” She lost herself in figures again …

  “Lieutenants! … Ferdinand! … Lieutenants!” That’s what she was calling them now … “In heaven’s name! Ah! I’ve got it! …” She raised herself on her elbows … “Two hundred and twenty-two times! … Yes, that’s it … Two hundred and twenty-two …” She fell back again. “Nuts! I’ve forgotten everything! … My life! My life! …” The bulls had to pick her up … They took her back to the barn … They closed the door on her. All alone like that, she gradually resigned herself … she even fell asleep … Later on I went in to see her with the gendarmes. She started talking to us perfectly reasonably. She wasn’t off her nut at all anymore.

  We waited all morning … The old lady was still in the straw … She was sound asleep … Around noon they arrived from the prosecutor’s office … The examining magistrate, a little fat guy all bundled up in his fur coat, lisped in the steaming air, he had coughing spells … He got out of his carriage with another character, a redhead. This one had a cap all pulled down over his eyes. He was the medical examiner. The gendarmes recognized him right away.

  It was really bitter cold … They were chilled to the bone … They’d come from Persant station …

  “Bring them here!” he ordered the gendarmes the minute he set foot on the ground … “Bring them to me in the big room! … Both of them! The woman and the little shitass! We’ll take a look at the body later! … Nobody’s moved it? … Wherc’d you put it? … And bring me the exhibits! … What was there? … A gun? … And the witnesses! … Were there any witnesses? …”

  A few minutes later two more carriages drove up … One was full of cops, plainclothesmen … and the other, a big covered van, was pack-jammed with reporters … Right away they took millions of snapshots … every aspect of the farm … the interior … the surroundings … Those newspapermen were pests, a damn sight worse than the hicks … And so active … They absolutely insisted … they went into hysterics … on taking a flashlight picture of my mug … and then the old lady from every angle … She had no way of hiding … She was forced to stay right between the two bulls … But we couldn’t move much, the crowd was too thick … the prosecutor was madder than a hornet! He was being stepped on … He ordered the cops to clear the room … They didn’t waste any time … They sent the mob flying … The premises were cleared right away … the whole yard too …

  The character with the lisp was shivering in his furs. He was in a hurry to get it all over with, that was plain … He was sore at the cops … His clerk was looking for a pen, he’d broken his own … The Lisp wasn’t comfortable on the bench … The room was too big and damp, the fire was out … He beat his hands together … He took his gloves off to blow on them. He sucked his fingers … His nose was all amethyst … He put his gloves back on … He wriggled his ass … He stamped his feet … He couldn’t get warm … The papers were all in front of him … He blew on them, they flew away … The clerk went chasing after them … They didn’t write anything at all … He wanted to see the gun. He said to the newspapermen: “Take my picture with this weapon while you’re at it …” He said to the sergeant: “Tell me the whole story!” So then the big cocksucker didn’t talk big like with us … In fact he stammered … Actually he didn’t know much … I saw that right away … He went out with the magistrate … They paced up and down the whole length of the yard … When they were through gassing, they came back inside … The Lisp sat down … Then it was my turn to talk … I told them the whole story right away … all I knew, that is … He didn’t listen much: “What’s your name? …” I told him “Ferdinand, born in Courbevoie.” “Your age? …” I told him. “And what do your parents do?” I told him that too … “Good,” he said … “Stay right where you are … And you? …” It was the old lady’s turn …

  “Tell me your story and make it fast …” He’d stood up … He couldn’t sit still … He piddled up and down … He couldn’t feel his dogs … Stamping didn’t help … An earth floor is cold as hell … especially ours, it was so damp …

  “Oh, Doctor! My feet! … Don’t they ever make a fire around here? …” We were all out of wood … The gendarmes had burned every last stick … He cut the old lady short …

  “Hell! I thee you don’t know very much … Never mind! Never mind! We’ll thee about all that later … Beauvais will be thoon enough … OK, OK leth get out of here! … Doctor, you’ve had a good look at the body? … What thay? … Well, what do you think? … What thay?” The two of them left the room to take another look … In the kitchen next door they talked it over … They were maybe ten minutes … They came back …

  “Well, then,” said the Lisp… “You, the wife … Madame Courtial … No … Des Pereires … No? … Nuts! … You’re free for the present. But you’ll have to come to Beauvais … My clerk will let you know … I’ll send for the body tomorrow …” Turning toward the reporters: “You can call it suicide until further notice. After the autopsy we’ll see … Maybe you”ll be perfectly free … Anyway, we’ll see … You, Bozo!” That was me … “You can go … You can leave … Go straight home … to your parents … Give the clerk your address … I’ll send for you if I need you … OK, let’s go! Sergeant, you will leave one of your men here … Only one … until the ambulance gets here … Let’s go … Make it quick, clerk … Let’s get going … Finished, the fourth estate? All reporters will please leave … Nobody can stay but the family and the officer … OK men, that’ll do it for the night … You won’t allow anybody to enter … to touch anything … to leave … Have I made myself clear? … You’ve all got it? … Good … Let’s get going! … Quick … Step on it! All aboard, Doctor …”

  He was still stamping his feet … He was bouncing up and down in front of his carriage … He couldn’t stand it a minute longer … He was frozen stiff in spite of his overcoat and the sheepskin that went all the way up to his eyebrows … to his derby … As he set foot on the step:

  “Driver! Driver! Listen here! You’ll make it fast, won’t you? And stop at Cerdance, at the little bar on the left … after the grade crossing …
you know the place I mean? … Oh, Doctor, I’ve never had such shivers in all my life … I’m going to be laid up for a month … again, like all last winter … My! What wouldn’t I give for a grog! … Christ, they’ve murdered me in this dump … Did you ever see such an icebox? … It’s the limit … It’s better outside … It’s unbelievable … Ah! Never fear, the stiff will keep! …”

  As they were starting, he stuck his head out again from under the big top … He took in the whole farm … The gendarmes at attention … “Whip ‘em up, driver!” They drove off in a hurricane, heading for Persant … The bulls, the clerk, the plainclothesmen didn’t let the grass grow … They beat it too about five minutes later … The reporters came back … They took some more pictures … They’d been around, they knew the score … They were nobody’s fools … They knew all the dodges …

  “Hell,” they told me, “don’t worry … Anybody can see you had nothing to do with it … It’s all a lot of red tape … dumb routine … window dressing … Don’t mind them … They won’t hold you half a minute… they’ve got to go through the motions … that’s all.” The old girl was glum all the same …

  “We know those characters … It’s not the first time we’ve seen this guy on the job … If he had any real suspicions, he’d have hung around longer … Besides, he’d have arrested you sure as shit … Oh, no, he wouldn’t have hesitated. We know him. One shred of presumption and hoop-la, he throws you in the clink! That’s for sure! … Doubt is that boy’s middle name . . He’s got his feet on the ground … He’s a shrewd article … You can’t mess with him!”

  “Then, my dear sirs, you’re quite sure he won’t come back? … that it wasn’t just the cold drove him away?”

  “The cold doesn’t scare him! … You’ve got nothing to worry about … Hell, no, it’s all a lot of moonshine … hocus-pocus … Baloney … If I were you, I’d relax … He came out here for beans, that’s all … So what? So he’s sore!” They were all of the same opinion…

  They got back in their carriage … They were talking about women already … They had to push off slowly … The axles were creaking hard … There were too many of them, all in a pile … Two of the reporters had made the trip all the way from Paris just on our account … They were sorry they’d come … The old lady pestered them so bad with questions, in the end they started bellowing in chorus:

  There ain’t no crime … bingo bing!

  There ain’t no crime … bingo bing.

  Thumping their heels like to crack the floor … Actually they were having a fine time. They sang dirty songs … As they drove off, they were singing the one about the bishop who went up in a balloon:

  High in the sky as he sailed around,

  The skin of his balls dragged on the ground …

  The gendarme who’d stayed there on guard found another shanty in the village, completely empty, near the watering trough, where he could put his horse inside. He liked that better … Our stable was a wreck … all the rain came in … and the drafts whistled like an organ … His plug wasn’t happy in there … She staggered … her legs were folding with the cold … So he moved her … And then he came back … maybe an hour before suppertime … He had something to tell us …

  “See here, you two jokers, can you keep your shirt on awhile? I’ve got to go to Tousne …” That was a village pretty far away on the other side of Berlot Forest … “I’ve got to get some oats … There’s none left in my saddlebags … My sister-in-law’s over there, she’s got the tobacco store … Maybe I’ll stay for supper … I’ll be back a little later … But no later than ten … So don’t get smart, you two … I haven’t a grain of oats … While I’m at it, I’ll take the nag … She’s lost a shoe … I’ll stop in at the blacksmith’s … Then I can ride back … that’ll be quicker … You understand? … You won’t let anybody in? …” We understood perfectly … He was bored out there with us … He thought he’d take a little time off … We wished him a fair wind … He passed in front of the farm, leading his plug by the bridle … I saw him disappearing in the distance … It was getting dark …

  The old lady and I lay low … We waited for it to be really dark to go out for wood … Then I made it quick … I pulled three slats at once off the fence … I broke them up into kindling … but naturally they smoked … they were too damp … I went back in with the old lady … I was glad we had a chance to get warm … We needed it … But we had to keep our eyes closed … it stung too bad … She had calmed down after her session … But she was still kind of worried …

  “Do you think it’s true? …” she asked me. “You think the cops won’t bother us anymore? You don’t think they’ve got some trick up their sleeves? … You heard the way they suspected me? … all of them! … The very first thing … you saw them … Weren’t they disgusting? … Oh my oh my!”

  “Who? The cops?”

  “That’s right, the cops.”

  “Oh, the sergeant’s nothing but a big yokel! … The way he lost his tongue, bzing, in front of the persecutors! … in two seconds flat … He dropped out … He didn’t know what had hit him … He hadn’t a word to say for himself … The sap, what’d you expect him to talk about? … he hadn’t seen a thing … The reporters said the same thing … you heard them … They’d have noticed … they know the ropes … They’d certainly have warned us … They don’t like that guy with the lisp … All they had was presumptions … hot air … They wouldn’t have farted out of here so fast if they’d thought they had anything on us … Hell no … Those bulls would still be here, it’s perfectly obvious … and then some! … You heard him, the Lisp himself, on his way out … what he said to the others: ‘It’s suicide.’ That’s all. Don’t go looking for complications … The doctor said so too … I heard him telling the little guy: ‘It was fired upward, my friend, upward …’ That was clear enough … he wasn’t spoofing … That’s all there is to it … No use looking for trouble … We got plenty …”

  “Yes, I guess you’re right,” she very softly. But she wasn’t convinced … She wasn’t very confident …

  “How are they going to bury him? … First they do the autopsy, don’t they? And then what? And what for anyway? … Do you know? … Are they still looking for something? …”

  “I couldn’t tell you …”

  “While they’re about it, I wish they could take him back to Montretout … But it’s too far now … if they take him to Beauvais … Is that where the funeral will be? … I’d have liked to have services … I’ll ask them … Do you think they’ll be willing? …” That was something else I didn’t know …

  “I wonder what a little service would cost in Beauvais … only in a chapel … the cheapest class for instance … It can’t cost more than anywhere else … He wasn’t religious, you know, but even so … They’ve tortured him enough. A little respect wouldn’t hurt … What are they going to do to him now? … Can’t they see well enough as it is? … He hasn’t anything in his body, the poor man … It’s all in his head, isn’t it? … Anybody can see that … Oh, it’s so awful! …” She started wailing again.

  “Ah, Ferdinand, my little friend … When I think that they could think such a thing … Oh well, while they were at it, they couldn’t use kid gloves, could they? … Oh, it’s all the same to me … now … But what about you? … Do you think it’s finished? … With you it’s not the same … You’ve got to make your way … you’ve got your whole life ahead of you … It’s not the same … You had nothing to do with all this … Goodness, no … They ought to leave you alone … Are you coming to Beauvais with me? …”

  “I’d go … if I could … But I can’t. There’s nothing for me to do in Beauvais … Remember what the Lisp said … ‘You’ll go back to your parents.’ He said it twice …”

  “Well, in that case no monkey business … Go, my boy, go. What’ll you do when you get there? … Look around for something? …”

  “Naturally …”

  “I’ll have to look too … t
hat is … if they let me go … Ah, Ferdinand … while it’s on my mind …” She had an inspiration … “Come over here … I want to show you something …” She takes me to the kitchen … She climbs up on the stepladder … the little one … she disappears up the chimney to the waist, she pokes around in one of the niches … She dislodges the big brick … A lot of soot comes down … She shakes another stone, it moves, it jiggles … she takes it out … From the hole she takes some bills … and even some change … I hadn’t known about that hiding place … And Courtial hadn’t either, that was a safe bet … There were a hundred and fifty smackers and a few five-franc pieces … Right away she gives me a fifty-franc bill … She kept the rest …

  “I’ll take the hundred francs and the change … All right? … That’ll cover my trip at least … and maybe my expenses at the church … if I’m there five, six days … It can’t take any longer than that, can it? … that’ll be plenty, don’t you think? … But what about you? You’ve still got your addresses? … Do you remember all your bosses? …”

  “I’ll go see the printer right away,” I said. “I’d rather start in that direction …”

  She rummaged in the hole some more, she took out another twenty-franc piece, she gave it to me … Then she talked some more about Courtial … but she wasn’t so excited anymore …

  “Ah, my little Ferdinand, you know … The more I think of it … the more it comes back to me … how fond he was of you … He didn’t show it, that’s a fact … You know that too … It wasn’t his way … his nature … he wasn’t demonstrative … he wasn’t a flatterer … You know that … But he was always thinking of you … In the worst situations he often told me so … Only a week ago … ‘You know, Irène, Ferdinand is somebody I’ve got faith in … He’ll never do us dirt … He’s young … He’s scatterbrained … But there’s a kid that’s as good as his word … He’ll keep a promise … And that, Irène, that’s rare …’ I can still hear him saying that … Ah, he appreciated you all right … He was sincerer than a friend … Take it from me . . , And the poor man, believe me, he had plenty to be distrustful about … He’d seen a thing or two … and how he’d been deceived … In thousands of ways, one more disgraceful than the last … He could have been embittered … Never did he say an unfavorable word about you … Never the least unpleasantness … Nothing but compliments … He’d have liked to spoil you … But as he said one time when we were having a little chat … ‘Wait just a little while … Patience … I’ll make that kid’s fortune yet …’ Ah, how well he understood you … You can’t imagine how fond he was of you …”