by Anthology
Her face crumpled, and she started crying harder. I wanted to go to her and wrap her in my arms—to soothe her and take her pain away—but I fought the urge. Instinct was telling me that she needed to feel this. To work through it and come out the other side on her own and see that she’d survived. See that we were worth fighting for.
“I can’t do it.” She shook her head frantically. “I can’t.”
I stepped toward her, and she put her hand out in front of her to keep me back. “Did you hear me? I love you,” I said, my voice almost pleading and cracking on my declaration of love for her.
“Which is why I have to let you go,” she cried. “I’m not strong enough for this. I’m not brave enough.”
I blinked at her, stared at her, dumbfounded. I was numb as the agony of what she was doing started to set in. My breaths were heavy, and my heart pounded away in my chest. “I’m not going to let you do this.”
She wiped at the tears running down her face. “You don’t have a choice. I can’t be with you, Jamie. Go find someone less screwed up than I am.” She sucked in an uneven breath and her lips trembled.
Every muscle in my body was so tense I started to ache. How could she be doing this? I’d thought when she realized the depth of my feelings for her, and vice versa, that she’d come around and see a future for us. Instead those feelings had sent her running.
“You’re really willing to throw away what we have because you’re scared of what could maybe happen in the future?” My voice broke at the end of my sentence.
She hugged her arms around herself and nodded. “I have no choice,” she whispered back.
“There’s always a choice.” I leaned in and pointed at her. “You’re just too fucking stubborn and scared to see it.”
“Go,” she sobbed. “Please just go.”
I let out a growl of frustration, balling my hands into fists at my sides. Then I stomped toward the front door, pausing when I reached her side. “Whether you realize it or not, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. One day you’ll see that and regret this.”
She didn’t respond, didn’t even turn her head to look at me.
I continued on out of her house, out of her life, and completely out of my fucking mind that she’d pushed me away knowing how we both felt about one another.
It was far from over, though. I was determined that this was only a chapter in what would be a long story between the two of us. Jackie may think the entire book had been written, read, and shut tight never to be looked at again. Over my dead body.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Jackie
I lay in my darkened room with the windows closed, blinds down, and curtains drawn. I was on nights this week, and it was the third day in a row I’d spent the afternoon in bed, wallowing before I had to get ready for work. Even though I felt it was best in the long run, I was having trouble getting Jamie’s pained expression out of my mind. That and the anger he’d felt for me before leaving were occupying the majority of my thoughts these past few days. I had to remind myself, more than a few times, that this was what I wanted.
And tonight promised to be worse because he was also working and there was a good chance I would have to hear his deep voice on the line and possibly speak to him directly if I had to send him on some calls.
I missed him. More than I even anticipated.
I missed having him near, hearing his voice, being intimate. Even though it was still summer, the past few days had felt like a pale landscape, like all the color had seeped out of my life.
I glanced lifelessly over at the clock on my nightstand. I had to get in the shower now if I was going to be on time for work. It was going to be a long night…
About halfway through my shift, I got a call from someone reporting a burglary in progress. I had managed not to radio Jamie thus far, but the call was in his section so it appeared my luck had run out.
Taking a deep breath, I braced myself for my first contact with him since I’d pushed him away. I had no doubt he’d keep it professional, but still.
After sighing, I called for his car. “Ninety-nine, a four-fifty-nine.”
He answered right away. “Ninety-nine, go ahead.”
I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice and then continued. “One-seventy-six Main Street, David’s Jewelers, passerby reports seeing someone in the store.”
“Ninety-nine, copy.”
“Ninety-nine, ten-oh. The RP says they may have seen a gun in the waistband of the subject.”
Now that I’d gotten past our first contact, my body tensed as I focused on the dangerous situation he’d be walking into. I called the other car out, though it would take that officer longer to arrive. This was the part I hated. After I sent any of the first responders out on a dangerous call, the waiting was the worst.
I shifted in my seat and tapped my foot on the floor, trying to release some of the tension that had my chest and throat in a chokehold. God, I’d been stupid to think that by pushing Jamie away I’d been sparing myself the torture of worrying about him. It was too late—he’d already become too important for me to simply cast aside my feelings.
When Jamie’s voice came back over the line, my tension increased tenfold. “Ninety-nine, ten-ninety-seven.” He’d arrived on the scene.
“Ninety-nine, check,” I said, following protocol, though I felt like doing anything but. My breathing was shallow as I waited for some kind of report back.
“Seventy-six, ten-ninety-seven,” the other officer said.
I released a small breath, relieved to know Jamie now had back up with him. I pushed my pen over and over again into my thigh, to the point that it became painful, but I was happy for the small distraction from my wayward thoughts as I tried to picture what could be happening at the jewelry store. Was the perp still there or long gone by now?
“Eleven-ninety-nine.” The voice and the code over the line had my heart seize in my chest, and I sat frozen in my seat, my blood running cold. That was the code for an officer in trouble…and it hadn’t been Jamie’s voice.
I let out the breath I’d been holding and came back to myself, starting the Code thirty-three tone. “Eleven-ninety-nine. Officer needs help, all units respond Code three. One-seven-six Main Street, David’s Jewelers.”
“Seventy-nine, I need an ambulance, officer down! I repeat, officer down!” the officer assisting Jamie yelled. “Suspect took off on foot, south on Main Street. White male, late twenties, black T-shirt and jeans, black ball cap.”
“Seventy-nine, check,” I said, fighting back tears, my hands shaking. I was trying to keep my head in the game, I really was, but visions of Jamie lying bloody on the sidewalk pushed into my head. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying desperately to dislodge them.
Once I’d made all the calls and the ambulance was close to the scene, I pushed away from my desk and called my supervisor over. I was shaking and nauseous as I explained the situation and asked if he could call someone else in to cover the rest of my shift. I was desperate to get to Jamie. He had to know how I felt—that if I could change things I’d never have pushed him away…he was everything to me. I could only hope that he’d still be alive by the time I got there.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jackie
I ran into the waiting area of the emergency room and it was complete chaos—full of uniformed and off duty officers from all ranks.
For a moment, I searched for Don. He would have gotten a call, even though he’d recently retired. I spotted him in the far corner of the room. When he caught my gaze, he said something to the person he was talking to then made his way over to me, his expression anguished, displaying exactly how I felt inside.
I couldn’t move. I was rooted to the floor, afraid to reach him in case he had bad news. When he finally reached me, he immediately hugged me to him, rubbing his hand up and down my back. The tears I’d managed to hold in the entire ride came bursting out, overflowing down my face.
“It’s gonna be okay, honey,�
� he soothed. “Shh.”
“Is he…is he?” I couldn’t get the words out, couldn’t form them on my tongue.
“No, honey. He should be fine,” he said in a soothing way. “He was shot in the vest and the arm, but that injury looks to be more of a graze.”
“Oh, thank God.” Relief rushed through me so fast my knees were buckling. Don had to hold me tighter to keep me standing.
“Come on. Come sit down.” He led me over to an unoccupied seat and helped me sit. I hunched over, pressing my hands to my face and rocking back and forth. I was so thankful to hear that Jamie’s injuries weren’t worse, but the full weight of how easily it could’ve been a different outcome was hitting me.
Don continued to soothe me until I recovered enough to sit up and speak. “I was working when the call came in. I didn’t know what happened. I heard the officer down code and rushed straight here.”
Don pursed his lips and frowned, while I rubbed at the tear tracks with the sleeve of my shirt. “What’s going on? This is more than being upset that a colleague was in danger.” He went quiet for a moment, then said, “I heard some murmurings that something might be going on between you two. Is that the case?”
I bit my lip and nodded. “It was, but I messed it all up and pushed him away because I was scared.”
Don searched my face. “Of what?”
I heaved out a sigh. “That I’d end up like my mother. Brokenhearted and alone, pining away for a ghost for the rest of my life.”
Don nodded thoughtfully, then brought me in for another hug. “Oh, sweetie. I’ll be the first to tell you that being a cop is a dangerous job. Things can go wrong in a second, and every day you put that uniform on and head in for a shift you have no idea what’s going to go down. Tonight is a perfect example. But when it’s our time, it’s our time.” He pulled away and held me by the shoulders. “I could walk out of here and drop dead of a heart attack, or get hit by a car crossing the street. The fact that I’m a cop doesn’t mean I’m destined to die on the job.”
He was right. Of course he was. I nodded, pressing my lips together for a moment to prevent more tears from falling. “I know what you’re saying makes sense. And I was doing good until I saw my mom last week. She was a complete mess like she is every year and it brought it all back. I panicked.” I frowned, remembering how stupid I’d been.
Don gave me a small smile. “Look, I only got to work with Jamie for a short time, but one thing I can tell you about him is that he’s fair and reasonable. If you explain to him the error of your ways, I’m sure he’ll come around.”
I brushed the sticky tears off my face and wrapped myself in my arms. God, I hoped he was right. If Jamie refused to forgive me and give me another chance I wasn’t sure what I’d do.
Sometime later the doctor came out to give an update to the crowd of officers waiting. It was just as Don had said. Jamie would have some bruised ribs and he’d have to watch the wound in his arm to be sure it didn’t get infected, but beyond that he should make a full recovery.
The doctor wanted to keep him overnight for observation and said Jamie could have a few visitors that night before resting, though we could only go in two at a time.
Apparently, my waterworks had secured me a front-of-the-line pass because everyone urged me to go first. So it was with trepidation and an extreme amount of hesitance that I made my way down the hall to the room Jamie was in. I was thankful everyone had insisted I go in alone since I wasn’t sure what kind of reception to expect from him. Nerves were wracking my body, leaving my muscles feeling weak.
I knocked softly on the closed door.
“Come in,” I heard Jamie say.
I pushed the door open so he could see it was me, then I stood in the doorway, waiting for his reaction.
He looked at me with tired eyes and heaved out a heavy sigh. “What’re you doing here?” he asked in what sounded like a pained voice. He leaned back into his pillow to stare at the ceiling. “Shouldn’t you be working still?”
“I left,” was all I managed to say.
“Obviously. Why?” he asked.
Here came the hard part. Taking a deep breath, I closed the door behind me and made my way over to the end of his bed. My hands were in front of me, fidgeting, making my nerves obvious. “I came because…because I realized I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I might’ve tried to kick you out of my life, but I’ve realized that doesn’t mean you’re out of my heart. When I knew you were in trouble—” My sentence broke off as I started sobbing again, the helpless feeling I’d had when I’d gotten his distress call once again overwhelming me.
“Oh, Jackie…” Jamie reached a hand out to me. I couldn’t help noticing it was the arm without the bandage.
I didn’t hesitate, moving around the bed to clutch it with my own. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I’m sorry I pushed you away because I was so scared. I panicked. Last week was the anniversary of my dad’s death. Seeing my mom so messed up after all these years and listening to her go on and on about how happy she was one minute and then the next…it messed with my head and reminded me of my feelings for you. I couldn’t deal. I’m so sorry.”
More tears leaked from my eyes that felt raw from all the salt water they’d already seen tonight. I reached for a tissue on the bedside table and wiped under my nose then finally sat down on the chair beside the bed, leaning my head against the mattress. Jamie’s hand came down and stroked my hair while I let it all out. I was determined that this would be the last time I allowed fear like this to rule my life.
As my wracking sobs began to slow, I realized that Jamie still hadn’t really said anything. I needed to know how he felt and whether I still had a chance with him. I brought my head up to look at him. Even with everything he’d been through tonight, he was still such a beautiful, masculine man.
“Can you forgive me?” I whispered.
He closed his eyes briefly. “How do I know you’re not going to do it again? It was painful for me, too.”
“Because I love you. I love you and I never want to let you go. Whether we have two years or twenty together, I never want to be apart from you again. You’ve already made me a prisoner to my heart and the simple fact is that, unless I’m with you, I’m going to be unhappy. I’m willing to risk what the future may bring if it means I can spend the present with you.”
He said nothing for a moment, just stared at me with an unreadable expression. When he finally let out a breath, a slow smile crept across his face and he opened his arms up to me. “Finally. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and a day to hear those words from you. I do forgive you. All I want is to be with you, too.”
I’d braced myself to hear the worst from him and it took a moment for his response to sink in. When it did I sprung up from my seat, tears of joy now streaking down my face, and leaned forward to kiss him. But before I could lean in all the way, Jamie grasped my face, stopping my progress.
“You have to promise me one thing,” he said.
I nodded frantically. I’d promise him anything if it meant we could move forward.
“Next time you’re feeling even the least bit panicked or unsure you have to tell me.” He dipped his head, pinning me with an intense glare. “Don’t pull that shit again.”
I smiled at him, relief coursing through my body. “I can do that. Promise.”
“Good.” He grinned. “Now bring those lips here. I’ve missed them.”
I leaned down the rest of the way and brought my lips to his. The usual heat inside of me began to build as his tongue brushed against mine. He brought his hand to the back of my head and increased the tempo. I leaned forward a little more until I heard Jamie suck in a breath. Pulling back quickly, I saw that he was wincing and pressing on one of his ribs.
I jerked back, afraid that I was hurting him. “Are you okay?”
He nodded. “Yeah, looks like you’re going to have to go easy on me for a bit.”
“No make-up sex, I suppose.” I
fake pouted.
Jamie’s eyes narrowed. “There will absolutely, one hundred percent, positively be some make-up sex when I get out of here. No matter how painful.”
I chuckled and cupped his cheek. “I think we’ll have to clear that with your doctor,” I said in a sing-song voice.
“Jackie,” Jamie warned.
I giggled. “Relax, big guy. We’ve got all the time in the world.”
He reached for my hand and, when he took it, he squeezed it and smiled. Love poured out of his eyes and I knew he saw the same emotion in my own reflected back at him. “Yes, I suppose we do.”
For the first time ever, I found myself really believing it.
Epilogue
One Year Later…
Jackie
I drove my car down the country back roads, singing along to The Civil Wars and wishing for the thousandth time that they hadn’t broken up. The warm summer air was blowing in through the car’s open windows, tugging loose some of the hair in my ponytail. I inhaled a deep breath. Only the odd house dotted the landscape, but someone nearby had recently cut their grass, the smell of which always reminded me of the lazy summer days from my youth when I used to play on the front lawn while my dad cut our yard. That was so long ago.
I was reflecting on how much had changed in the past year when I realized I was only about a mile from where Jamie and I had first met. Since admitting my love for him, I’d slowly been able to resist the fear that had once had such a vice grip on me and ruled over all the decisions in my life. I still worried for him when he was on shift, but I’d learned not to borrow trouble—why stress over something that hasn’t and may never happen? They say you become what you think about most and, in trying so hard not to turn out like my mother, I had become exactly like her—alone and afraid.
