by Anthology
Jamie stretched forward and placed his belt on the bedside table, then slid his pants and boxers down his legs. I circled my arms around his waist, enjoying the feel of his skin pressed against my breasts as I peppered his back with kisses. He turned, pushing his hands into my hair and staring down at me like he couldn’t believe I was real.
“God, Jackie…I can’t get enough of you.” He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “It’s never enough,” he whispered.
I sighed as the overwhelming feeling of safety, security, and love enveloped me. But…did I really love this man or was I just caught up in the moment? Before I could ponder that thought too long, Jamie’s hands slid down the side of my waist, causing a full body shiver. He dropped to his knees and gently slid my boy short underwear down my legs.
Taking my hand, he stood and led me to the bed. I lay in the middle and waited for him to join me. Crawling up the mattress and over top of me, he lowered himself just enough that I was able to feel his warm skin brush against me, but not enough to crush me. His lips found mine again, his tongue sweeping in and toying with my own, stoking the rising inferno inside of me. Heat pooled in my core as I ran my hands along the expanse of his back and squeezed his ass cheeks.
“We are so perfect together,” he mumbled against my lips. “Can’t you see that?”
I simply nodded, unable to speak, the weight of my emotions crippling me. Love and adoration welled up inside of me, pushing the air from my lungs.
He slid down my body, stopping here and there to run his warm tongue along my over sensitized skin until he spread my legs open and splayed me before him.
“You are so perfect,” he moved his gaze from my eyes to my bared center and back, “everywhere.” Leaning in while still maintaining eye contact, he sucked and tongued my clit.
I watched as he made love to my pussy with his mouth. “Oh, Jamie,” I moaned, pushing my hands into his hair.
His tongue movements were slow and drawn out for my pleasure, but not at all intended to bring me to release. I languished in that blissful space for what seemed like hours when he finally rose up. He wiped his chin with the back of his hand and moved back up my body. I wrapped my legs around him, needing him—needing to feel his hard length fill that empty space inside me.
He gazed down at me in awe and pushed in, closing his eyes as he did and I sighed. The feeling was so exquisite I wanted to remember it always. Not unlike his body filling mine, his presence in my life had filled a gaping wound that had been present for longer than I could remember.
Jamie pulled out slowly and rocked back into me. He carried on like this. While my green gaze held his gray one, the connection between us grew and the realization that we were making love, not fucking, seeped into my consciousness. This was different than any of the other times we’d been together. It was a good different.
The tingling between my legs grew, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold off my orgasm much longer. Jamie’s pace picked up a bit. Then, as I came, I cried out, prisms of light shooting across the back of my closed eyelids as my release pulsed through me. With a few sharp thrusts, Jamie groaned and emptied himself inside me.
Both of us were panting as Jamie lowered his forehead to mine, running the back of his knuckles across my cheek. “See how right we are together,” he said softly.
I was so overwhelmed by emotion that I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, unwilling or unable to see if the same feelings swam through his gaze, too.
Without another word, he pulled himself from me and cringed at the loss. Sliding back the covers, he motioned for me to get underneath them. I complied and he joined me, spooning me from behind and pulling me back into him.
We lay there, quiet. Well, the room itself was silent, but the voices in my head were beginning to roar as the post-orgasmic bliss faded. They were screaming at me, demanding to know what this meant, what exactly I felt for Jamie, and wondering how I could put myself in the position to once again lose someone who meant so much to me.
I tried to shut the voices out, but I’d already given them a foot in the door and they wouldn’t retreat easily, so I lay there, restless and wide awake.
I fell asleep long after Jamie’s breathing grew steady, still unsure whether allowing Jamie into my life was my biggest breakthrough or my biggest mistake.
Chapter Twenty
Jackie
Ever since the night of the false alarm at my house, I’d been trying to maintain some distance from Jamie. We still spent time together and saw each other, but if he wanted to come in after we’d been out for a night, I’d make up an excuse about why I needed to get up early, or say that Chloe was stopping by in the morning.
What I’d felt the night we’d made love was still too intense for me to deal with. I couldn’t—not with the anniversary of my father’s death upon me. I dreaded this day every year. It wasn’t as if it was any more painful this particular day of the year, but it was an agonizing reminder that time marches on. It brought to the surface that my dad hadn’t seen all the changes in my life since the last anniversary. That he wouldn’t ever walk me down the aisle, or see his grandchildren. Sometimes I wondered if that was another reason I tried to keep those types of milestones at such a distance.
This day made me feel like that scared little ten-year-old girl again, and I hated it. I hated feeling so weak when I’d spent every day since his murder erecting walls so that nothing could ever make me hurt that much or feel that fragile again.
As I drove through town, I readied myself to meet my mom at the cemetery. It had become our tradition every anniversary. I could only bear to visit his gravestone once a year, but I had my suspicions that my mom still went all the time.
The tall trees along the narrow cemetery road swayed in the warm breeze. By all accounts, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, there was barely a cloud in the sky, and the smell of the nearby ocean wafted in on the air. Yet all of this couldn’t be more opposite of my mood.
My mom’s car was already parked along the laneway, so I pulled in behind her and grabbed the flowers I’d purchased off the passenger seat. I was wearing ballet flats since I’d learned long ago that heels would only dig into the soft grass. Making my way up the slight incline, I saw my mom on her knees in front of Dad’s gravestone. It was clear from the hunch and movement of her shoulders that she was crying.
I braced myself, not knowing what I would encounter this year. Some were better than others, but even so I was always required to be the rock. My mom was the one who got to fall apart.
I fell to my knees beside her, setting the flowers on the grass, and rubbed her back in small circles. “Hi, Mom.”
“Oh, honey.” She turned to her side and enveloped me in a hug, clinging to me while she sobbed on my shoulder. I hugged her back, my own tears springing to my eyes, but I fought to keep them under control. When my mom pulled away, she wiped under her eyes with a handkerchief that I recognized as one of my dad’s. It had been passed down to him by his father long ago. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, honey. I know you hate this.”
I sighed. Over the years I’d voiced my displeasure with my mom at her lack of being able to move on. It had always fallen on deaf ears, so I’d stopped saying anything.
“Mom, it’s not that. I miss Dad, too.” I reached for her hand and squeezed it, knowing too well that a piece of you was missing after losing someone you loved. “I just think at some point you have to choose to move on with your life—even though he’s not in it.” Tears built in my eyes. It was difficult to say, even more difficult to put into practice, but if we didn’t what chance did we stand at living a happy existence?
She turned away from me, her shoulder-length bob swishing across her neck. Fidgeting and arranging the flowers I’d laid down, she took a moment before responding. “And how exactly am I supposed to do that? When I was the happiest I could ever be with him. And then it was all ripped away in a split second.” She whipped her head around to face me again—anger, grie
f, and fear all swimming in her eyes, even after all this time.
Tears sprang to my eyes as I witnessed, once again, how much pain my mother was in. “I don’t know, Mom. I really don’t.” I drew in a large breath, not sure whether I should say what I wanted to next. The last time I’d mentioned it, almost five years ago, we’d had a huge fight. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go there again, but perhaps she was finally ready to listen. “Maybe you could talk to someone.”
My mom threw the flower down on the grass. “This again?” She pushed up off one knee and stood.
I followed, desperate to make her hear me, though I wasn’t sure she would. “It might help. A doctor might be able to give you some suggestions on how to move on…give you a new perspective.”
Her eyes narrowed. “I don’t need a new perspective. I need my husband back! That’s what I need!” Her face was red and blotched with anger as she furiously wiped at the new tears streaking her face.
“But he’s never coming back,” I whispered, barely choking out the words at the stark reality of that sentence.
“You don’t think I know that?” she bit out. “Don’t you think that is painfully obvious to me every single day?” She beat on her chest with her fist. “Every time something happens and I think about how I wish I could tell your dad about it because he’d think it was funny. Or every morning when I wake up for a split second before reality sets in and I see the empty space where he used to sleep. Every time I see a police car driving around town and I wonder if that was the car he used to drive. Every fiber of my being is more than aware that your dad is gone, Jackie, and a piece of me went with him that I’m never getting back.” Her voice broke on her final words.
I gulped hard, my throat constricting at my inability to help take some of her pain away. Saltwater hit my tongue as a tear dripped over my lip. I wasn’t even aware I’d been crying. I pulled her into a hug, gripping her tight as grief ripped through the both of us. My throat hurt and my eyes burned by the time we’d gotten ahold of ourselves. Finally, my mom pulled back, but I clung to her upper arms, not wanting to lose contact with her.
She looked me in the eyes—there was so much pain there. “You can’t possibly know what it’s like. Losing the person that was your other half. It changes you. I hope you never have to find that out.”
I swallowed past the painful lump in my throat as an image of Jamie came to my mind. Was I willingly signing up to become my mother years from now and cause my own children the unbearable pain I’d had to deal with?
I was already having difficulty with the intensity of my feelings for Jamie. Fear caused a clammy, cold sweat to break out over my entire body. My legs were weak and shaky and I fought to stay standing.
I’d been kidding myself to think that I was strong enough to face this.
Chapter Twenty-One
Jamie
Frustration had me gripping my steering wheel harder than normal. It had been two days since Jackie had really talked to me. We’d had plans a couple days ago and she’d begged off, saying she wasn’t feeling well. Since then she’d been dodging my calls. Something was definitely up with her. Today I knew for certain she wasn’t working, so I planned to show up at her place to confront the issue and figure this out. I didn’t want to. Jackie had always struck me as someone who, once cornered, would come out swinging. She’d left me no other choice, though. I wasn’t going to let her push me away without a fight. Not a chance in hell.
I thought we’d turned a corner the night of the false alarm. It’d been different when we were together that time, and I knew she’d felt it, too. It was intense and moving and, most importantly, there was no way the connection and feelings between us could be denied after that.
I pulled the truck into the driveway, thankful her car was there. Taking a deep breath, I braced myself for what I knew wouldn’t be an easy conversation, then exited the truck. I spied her bike leaning against the side of the house before I made my way up the porch steps, which meant she was probably home.
I banged on the door a little louder than intended, my irritation getting the best of me. I heard her feet padding to the door and then silence. My guess was she’d spied me through the peephole.
“I know you’re in there, Jackie.” Silence again and then I heard her undo the lock and the door swung open.
She looked like shit. Still stunning, but there were bags under her eyes like she hadn’t been sleeping, her hair was disheveled, and her skin was paler than normal.
“Are you feeling okay?” I asked. Maybe she really wasn’t well.
“Gee, thanks,” she clipped back.
I reached out to touch her, and she backed up a step. I ground my teeth together, clenching my jaw. “We need to talk,” I said evenly.
“Now isn’t a good time, Jamie. Could we do it later?” She heaved out a sigh like I was so exasperating to her.
“No. We’re doing it now.” I moved past her, into her home. She didn’t argue or try to stop me, which I hoped was a good sign. When I reached her living room and turned to face her, I knew it wasn’t. Her eyes held a sadness that I hadn’t been prepared for. What the hell had happened since I’d seen her last?
“Why are you avoiding me?” I asked.
Her forehead crinkled up in disgust. “I’m not. I told you, I’ve just—”
I shook my head at her excuses. “Cut the shit, Jackie. Why?” I wasn’t going to play this game with her. I believed in being upfront and putting everything out in the open.
She shifted her weight back and forth, and I knew it wasn’t going to be good. As a police officer, I was trained to read people’s body language, and right now Jackie’s was screaming that she’d rather be anywhere but here, having this conversation.
“I don’t know what I want.” She couldn’t even look at me as she toed the hardwood with her bare foot.
“Jackie, look at me.” Her gaze swung upward. “What does that mean?” I clutched her shoulders.
“I’m not sure I can see you anymore.” She held her breath, staying stock still.
I dropped my hands and tightened them into fists at my side. Drawing a deep breath through my nose, I fought to keep my composure. “Why?” was all I managed through gritted teeth.
“I don’t think it’s going to work in the long run. Maybe there’s no point in prolonging the inevitable.” She shrugged, turned away from me, and looked out the window.
No. I wasn’t accepting that shitty answer. I reached for her arm and forced her to face me again, but she couldn’t even meet my eyes, instead gazing over top of my shoulder.
My mouth fell open. “How could you possibly know that? And after the last time we were together, why would you even entertain the thought?”
She squeezed her eyes shut briefly, like she was in pain. When she opened them, all the brilliant green was gone, replaced with a dull shade more reminiscent of moss. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I dropped my hand from her arm, afraid that in my anger I might hold on harder than I intended. “That’s total bullshit. I know I wasn’t the only one making love that night. You don’t go from that to avoiding me without something happening.” I dipped my head looking right into her eyes. “Now. What. Fucking. Happened?” I panted, my breathing labored as I stood there seething and waiting for her to answer me.
She blinked a couple of times, startled by the anger simmering below the surface of my words, or maybe the words themselves. I didn’t know and I didn’t care. All I cared about was figuring out where her head was really at. Not the half-ass excuses she was feeding me and probably herself, but the truth. The only way I was going to be able to fight for her was if I had some idea what I was fighting against.
“Nothing happened,” she said, her voice monotone.
“Jackie!”
She flinched before I saw anger flash in her eyes. It reminded me of the first time we’d met—the firecracker was back. “It was the anniversary of my dad’s death, okay? And once again, I
had to watch my mom fall apart. Once again, I had to think about all the things my dad has missed since he was killed. Once again, I had to relive it—in my own mind, with my mom…in my dreams. I’m sorry if I’m not all sunshine and rainbows.” She wiped a stray tear that had escaped her angry eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.
I rubbed her upper arms and squeezed. “I’m sorry you’ve had a difficult few days, but what does that have to do with us? You should’ve told me. I could’ve been here to support you.”
She shook her head, tears springing to her eyes. “No, don’t you see? That’s the problem. I can’t let you do that.”
Anger was a hot coal in my stomach. “You can and you will.”
“No!” She pulled out of my grip and took a few steps back. “I’m not letting you do this!” she said with a ragged voice.
I frowned, totally confused. “Do what?”
“Worm your way into my life and make me think I can have the fairytale. That everything will be wonderful when it won’t. I’ll end up like my mom, and I can’t do that. I just can’t.”
“You’re being ridiculous.” Didn’t she realize how I felt about her? Was it not obvious?
“Don’t tell me I’m being ridiculous. You have no idea,” she said in a haughty tone.
“You’re right. I don’t. I wish I could understand how you let fear dictate your life.” I threw my hands up in the air in front of me. “I’ve never met someone so afraid of happiness. But the simple fact is that I love you. I love you, Jackie, and I’m not going anywhere.”
She blanched and, instead of my confession reassuring her and giving her peace, she continued to fight it. “You can’t possibly know that. We haven’t been seeing each other that long.”
Fuck. The girl was impossible to convince. I’d thought we’d gotten past all this. I ran a hand down my face and took a breath, then said with all the sincerity I could, because I wanted her to feel the truth of my words, “I don’t need to spend years with you to know that you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. To know that when I’m with you the only thing I feel is pure joy.”
