In A Heartbeat (The Shameful Regret Series)

by King, Liz

  “I got home late from the gym. I was tired and went straight to bed.” I shrug my shoulders. “I’m sorry.”

  For a Friday, the caseload is extremely light. Not that I’m complaining, but I would rather be busy today to keep my mind from replaying things over and over, and not having many procedures scheduled, the day is dragging by.

  My phone has alerted me to several text messages from Connor, Wade, Marcus and Seth, but I haven’t opened any of them. I’m not in the mood to deal with him yet. Yes, I know he was drunk, yes I know he probably didn’t mean what he said, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to listen to him make excuses. I know that there is something bothering him, but he won’t tell me. I saw it in his eyes yesterday morning and last night. Gabbi hasn’t mentioned anything to me today, so I’m guessing that Wade hasn’t talked to her since yesterday either.

  I decide to take my lunch break early. I’m not really hungry, so I just sit there at the table picking at my salad. I use my fork to roll the cherry tomatoes around on my plate and push the cucumbers off to one side. I’m so zoned out that I don’t even notice when Joe comes into the break room until he plops down beside me. “Alright my love, spill it.”

  “Hmm?” I ask him without looking up.

  Joe nudges my shoulder. “Doll baby, I know you got something on your mind. Spill it.” He says around a mouth full of sandwich. “Your sexy as sin man do anything stupid?”

  I am about to respond when the break room door opens again. I don’t even have to turn around to know who is standing in the doorway. My senses are attuned to him. It’s like my body calls out for him whenever he is near. My heartbeat picks up, my stomach clenches, and my breathing becomes rapid. I remain seated with my back to the door. I can feel Connor come closer to me. The space between us evaporating with every breath I take. I place my hands flat on table and look down at my lap. I can see Joe glancing between us out of the corner of my eye.

  When Connor is standing directly behind me, I hear him speak. “Lynae, please talk to me. You haven’t answered any of my calls or texts.” He hasn’t reached out to touch me yet.

  I don’t respond. I pull my hands off the table, and start fidgeting with my fingers in my lap.

  Connor kneels behind me. He brushes my hair over my left shoulder, leaving my neck and right shoulder exposed. Connor wraps his arms around me from behind, burying his face in my neck, inhaling me deeply. “Sweetness, I’m so sorry about last night. I was a colossal ass.” He kisses the sensitive spot behind my ear.

  I hear Joe’s chair scraping against the tile as he pushes himself away from the table. “I’m gonna give you guys a minute. Lynae, call me if you need me.” He hurries out the door after giving me a pointed and concerned look.

  Connor pulls me and the chair out and away from the table. He is now crouching in front of me with his hands on my thighs. I look away, but he takes one of his hands, gently pulling my chin so I’m forced to look him in the eyes. “Baby, please talk to me. I’m not sure what all I said last night, but I know I fucked up.”

  It doesn’t surprise me that Connor doesn’t remember last night. I know that he would never lay a hand on me in anger if he were in the right state of mind. “You were a total jackass last night. You basically accused me and Seth of fooling around on the couch, and asked if I was going to fuck him when I got up to leave.” I state very matter of factly. “I fell asleep watching a movie. That’s all.” I cross my arms over my chest and try to look away.

  “Shit.”

  “Yeah. What the hell was that all about?” I turn to face him again.

  “Babe, I was drunk. I know I can say this over and over again, but I’m sorry.” Connor pleads.

  “Why did you go and get yourself wasted last night. The guys said you were snappy all day. You were on the phone with Marcus when I got there, and he said you were out and not in a very good mood.” I look deep into his eyes searching for answers. “Where did you go, and what was bothering you?” I ask.

  Connor traces my bottom lip with his thumb. “Nothing for you to worry about, Sweetness. Some shit was bothering me, I took the wrong route to try to deal with it, and I had too much to drink.” He sighs. “I don’t remember anything from last night. I woke up alone, your bag was in my room, but you were gone. Wade wasn’t home either. He left a note saying that I needed to apologize to you for hurting you, and that I had better fix things or he was going to kick my ass.”

  I bite my bottom lip to keep it from trembling.

  “What did he mean about hurting you, baby? What did I do?” Connor almost looks too afraid to ask.

  I look into his pleading emerald eyes. “Like I said you accused Seth and I of messing around when all I did was apparently fall asleep with my legs on his lap, then when I tried to leave because I could tell you were drunk, and there’d be no use talking to you, you grabbed me.” I instinctively rub my bruised arm with my other hand.

  Connor sees my movement, gently raising my sleeve to reveal the bruise. “Sweetness, I am so, so sorry. Shit!” His voice cracks. “I can’t believe I did this. You have to know that I didn’t mean it. I love you, baby.” He kisses the purplish tinted skin.

  I know he didn’t mean it. I can see the pain in his eyes coming from him knowing that he hurt me. I can see the lingering pain from whatever it was that sent him off drinking last night. I want to make it all go away. I can’t stay mad at him. I love him. “I know you didn’t.”

  Connor looks back into my eyes before burying his head in my lap. “I hate myself. I hate what I did. I love you so much. Can you forgive me? I know you wouldn’t do anything with Seth.”

  I run my fingers through his soft, dark hair. Taking a deep breath, I reply, “Connor, I know you didn’t know what you were doing. I wish you’d tell me what’s bothering you.” I reach down to tilt his face up to mine. “I love you, and I want to be there for you, but you can’t go off on me like that.”

  Connor tightens his arms around my waist, pulling me towards the edge of my chair. “I can’t talk about it. Not now. I just need to make sure we’re okay. I need you, Sweetness.” He surges up on his knees, his mouth colliding with mine. I taste want, need and raw desire in his kiss. I can feel Connor pouring all of his apologies into this kiss.

  I pull back from his lips to catch my breath. Connor looks deep into my eyes, pleading searching, asking. I don’t have a second to respond before his mouth is on mine again. His tongue exploring my mouth, licking, flicking, probing. I moan into his mouth as he pulls me off the chair and down into his lap. I am now straddling Connor, sitting on his bent knees. My mind doesn’t process the fact that we are in fact in the break room of my workplace. I let myself get pulled into Connor’s kiss. I kiss him back with all the built up tension that I have felt since I ran out of the apartment last night. I fist my hands in Connor’s shirt, holding him to me as I grind against the hard ridge that is forming behind the zipper of his jeans. I feel Connor’s hands slip underneath my scrub top at my back, inciting a fire along my skin.

  Just as Connor starts to finger the hook of my bra, the break room door opens, making me remember where I am. “Jesus!” Michelle screams, leaving just as quickly as she entered, slamming the door closed behind her.

  I pull away from Connor so fast that I land flat on my ass. I’m panting with desire and now embarrassment. What the hell am I doing? This isn’t me. What if that had been anybody other than Michelle? I could have been fired! I am absolutely mortified. Connor is still kneeling in front of me, but now he looks amused at my expression. “Connor! We can’t do this here!” I’m trying to smooth out my hair and calm my breathing. “Shit! What if it was one of the doctors that caught us? Oh my God!”

  “Babe, calm down. It was just Michelle.” Connor stands up, holding is hand out to help me up as well. He doesn’t release me when I make it to my feet. He pulls my body flush against his, wrapping me tightly in his arms. “Lynae, I am honestly very sorry about last night. I know I was an ass. I know I should ha
ve waited until you got off work to come find you, but I needed you. My heart beats for you. I love you.”

  His words could melt me into a puddle right here. “I love you too, baby. We need to talk about last night, but, I need to get back to work. You being here, is only going to make me get distracted again.” I need to get my head on straight. I still want to talk to Connor about what happened, but certainly not here. I have to get back out to work. I’m sure Michelle is going want details.

  “Okay, Sweetness. I’ll pick you up when you get off. I want to spend some time with you before the show tonight. If I could get out of it, I would. I think that you and I really need to have some quiet time without anybody else around before the guys and I have to get ready for the set tonight.” Connor kisses the top of my head before releasing me and walking out of the door.

  Damn. What the hell just happened? One minute I was sitting here sulking, dwelling on last night’s events trying to figure out what the hell Connor’s problem was, the next minute, I’m practically about to have sex in the hospital one the floor. That man has my emotions going from zero to overdrive in seconds. He makes my head spin. As much as I love spending every moment with this man, I know that I need to take a step back.

  A few moments after Connor leaves, Michelle and Gabbi come bursting through the door. “Out with it, Nae-Nae. You can’t not tell us about your sexcapades on the clock!” Michelle is beaming ear to ear at my reddened cheeks. Gabbi is grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  I go straight home after work. I didn’t sleep much last night and my emotions have been on overdrive since Connor left the hospital this afternoon. I’m so glad that it’s Friday, I’m not sure that I could have worked another day this week even if my life depended on it. Shameful Regret has a gig tonight, and before yesterday, I had planned on going with Gabbi, but honestly all I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep. I don’t even want to go to my exercise class. I sent Connor a text when I left, just to let him know I was going home, but I haven’t told him that I’m not up to going out tonight. I know he will expect me to be there with him, especially since he wanted to pick me up after work for us to hang out. I know that we need to talk, but he’s either not ready or willing to talk about the demons in his past, and I think we need to.

  Stripping out of my clothes on the way to my bedroom, I decide to soak in the tub for a little while. My large garden jacuzzi tub was one of the things that sold me on the apartment when I was deciding where to live after nursing school. The hot water and strong jets are just what I need to relieve some of the built up tension and stress. I put my iPhone on my speaker dock and press shuffle on my “Quiet Time” playlist. It’s a lot of soothing new-age music that Michelle always complains about, calling it “hippy dippy crapola,” but it helps clear my mind. I toss some of my favorite bath oil into the water as the tub fills up and steams billows throughout the room.

  The hot water feels like absolute heaven as I sink down into the tub. I’m trying to turn my mind off. I want to not think about the past twenty-four hours. I want to think about nothing but which pajamas I’m planning on spending the entire afternoon in, and quite possibly tomorrow too. I rest my head against the back of the tub, submerged up to my chin in the soothing bubbles.

  I think back on the last several weeks of my life. So much has changed. I’ve gone from the quiet girl whose social life only involved Sly, Michelle, Gabbi and the interactions with my coworkers and patients to the girlfriend of the lead singer of an up and coming band. My world has opened to include characters that I would certainly never have imagined hanging around with. Marcus, Wade and Seth have become as much a part of my family as Sly and my girls. Then, there’s Connor. Connor Reeves has brought light to my life that I wasn’t really living. He has broken down all the barriers of my heart and held me when my past came crashing back at me.

  Connor has definitely changed me. I feel more alive, more vivacious, more empowered. More of everything, really. When Sly told me that I wasn’t really living my life, he was right. I never saw how much I had withdrawn into myself because of my guilt for what Matt did to me. I can stand back and see now that I had nothing to do with what happened. I was innocent that night. Matt took away my choice, and when he did that, he broke me. Connor is rebuilding me, but Connor also has the power to completely destroy me again. I have given him my heart, body and soul. He owns me now. My heart couldn’t come back from the devastation that would be left in the wake of Connor Reeves if something were to happen between us.

  Last night’s events play over in my mind again. Connor yelling at Marcus on the phone when I first got to the apartment, his drunken reaction when he got back, the look in his eyes and the accusation behind it, his physical reaction to me trying to leave the apartment. I know that he didn’t mean any of it, but I can’t shake the feeling that something more lies underneath the surface and that something is going to happen. I know that Connor has some issues from his past that he doesn’t want to talk about, but I feel like he needs to let those walls down. I’m fairly certain that it has something to do with his sister, but he won’t let me in. I’ve bared my soul to him. Connor knows my deepest secret, my biggest regret, and he didn’t judge me for it. He has to know that I would never judge him or think less of him for anything.

  We have been so consumed with each other since we got back from Birmingham. Last night was the first night that we spent apart, then when I saw Connor in the break room this afternoon, I couldn’t control myself. I really tried to keep my resolve, I knew that we needed to talk about what happened, but I let me desire and body take over instead of my mind. The moment that Connor’s lips touched mine, I was lost to him. I think we just need to take a few days to come back down from the high that we get from each other. I also know that this is not going to go over well with him.

  My eyelids grow heavy as the warm water and soothing scent of lavender erase the tension from my body. I need to get out of the tub and let Connor and Gabbi know that I’m not going to see the guys tonight, but I can’t pull myself from the heavenly comfort. The sounds of Enya are becoming distant as I let myself go into the relaxing bliss and drift off to sleep.

  ~

  “I’m sure she’s fine! Just wait a damn minute!” Michelle’s voice echoes though my apartment, waking me from my impromptu nap in the bathtub.

  Connor swings the bathroom door open, causing it to bounce of the wall. “Fuck! Lynae, what the hell? Are you ok?” he is instantly kneeling on the floor beside me.

  I’m shivering in the now cold bathwater. I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them. “Wh-What are you doing here?” I ask through chattering teeth.

  Michelle has come in to the bathroom now too. “Nae-Nae, get out of that water before you freeze your ass off.” She’s reaching for my towel hanging up behind the door.

  Connor reaches into the tub, pulling and lifting me up with his arms around my back and under my knees. I’m so cold that I’m shaking. He walks us out of the bathroom and sits on the side of my bed, cradling me into his warm body. Michelle comes over to us and drapes the towel over me, then goes to find a blanket to wrap me in as well.

  “I’m f-fine.” I stutter, still trying to comprehend why exactly Michelle and Connor are here. “What are you doing here?” I ask again.

  “You didn’t answer your phone, and when I knocked on the door, you didn’t answer either. I got worried, Sweetness.” Connor is rubbing my arms and back in an attempt to warm me up. “I called Michelle, and she came over to let me in.”

  “Yeah, I was trying to take a nap, and I told Rocker Boy that you were probably just sleeping too, but he wouldn’t let it go. Glad we came over, Nae-Nae. You don’t need to be falling asleep in the damn tub, woman!” Michelle tosses the blanket over me and sits down beside Connor on the bed.

  I’m very aware of the fact that I’m sitting on Connor’s lap dripping wet and naked. I try to squirm out of his arms, keeping the towel aroun
d me as best I can. “I need to g-get dressed.”

  Connor loosens his hold on me, allowing me to stand up. I dart back into the bathroom, but before I can shut the door behind me, Michelle dashes in, leaving Connor calling out to us from the bedroom.

  “Spill it.” is all she says to me when I move to sit on the ledge of the tub.

  I look up at her, she’s leaning against the counter with her arms crossed over her chest. I know that Michelle can see right through me. She knows that I have something on my mind, and I know that she isn’t going to let up this time. I was able to avoid answering questions all day, but now, Michelle has that look in her eye telling me that I will not be allowed out of this room until she is satisfied that I’m ok and she has all the information.

  I begin to tell her everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours. To my surprise, she doesn’t interrupt; she stands there quietly letting me get it all out. I tell her about how much I have fallen hopelessly in love with Connor, my worries that whatever it is that he is keeping hidden will come between us, and that I am afraid of what will happen to me if he leaves me. I see her shoulders tense when I tell her about him grabbing my arm, and that is where the bruise really came from, and his harsh words to me last night when he was drunk. Michelle nods her head in understanding when I tell her how this afternoon when he came to apologize I was helpless to resist him, and I got sucked into the passion that is between us.

  “He is kind of all consuming, isn’t he?” Michelle sinks down to sit on the floor in front of me. I’m still sitting on the ledge of the tub wrapped up in a towel. “I get it, Lynae. I do. I know that he probably didn’t know he was being a dick last night when he was drunk, but that doesn’t give him the right to treat you like that.”

  “He is just so intense. I know that he loves me. I know that he would never hurt me, but I just feel like I need to take a step back for a minute. Something is bothering him, and he won’t talk to me about it.” I sigh. “It feels like as soon as he’s near me, I want to forget everything else. That’s why I came back here this afternoon. I needed to clear my head.”