First

by Chanda Stafford

  “I’m so sorry, Mira. I love you, really I do.”

  “But if I’d gone with Rosie, she might still be alive, right?”

  She shakes her head. “W-we don’t know that. She might still be alive anyway. The man—”

  “Yeah, because some stranger, whose name you don’t even know, might have taken her. Or she could have wandered into the forest and been killed by wild animals. Or the man himself might have…” I shake my head. I can’t say it. “It doesn’t matter. We’ll never know. No wonder you hate me.”

  “I don’t hate you. How can you say that?”

  “You lied to me about my mother, lied to me about my sister, let me feel responsible for her death all my life, and you call that love?” I shake my head, and based on the look on her face, it’s as if I actually hit her.

  She puts her hand to her mouth. “I think it’s time for you to leave. You’ve caused enough damage.”

  “You know what? I’m glad I’m leaving. I’m glad I won’t have to look you in the eyes ever again. See your lies, your hates, everything that you’ve ever told me that wasn’t true. Even getting banished is better than coming home to you.” Her face blanches even whiter. “Yes, you heard me right. I’m not doing it.” Suddenly, my heart feels lighter than the air around me. I feel free, giddy even, and laugh. “I’m not doing it. As soon as I can, I’m telling Socrates the deal’s off. I quit.”

  I turn around and leave her standing there, shoulders drooping, tears dripping down her face. This time, I don’t beg her to let me stay. I don’t run up to her, hug her, or tell her I love her. I’m done with that. Socrates and Will wait in the courtyard, talking to Tevan and watching this year’s crop of new foals frolic in the small pasture next to the barn. A sorrel filly, Diamond, is one I birthed. Part of the training I’ll never need.

  When I emerge into the sunshine, all three heads turn. I square my shoulders and walk over to them, hoping they can’t read the emotions on my face. Fat chance of that, I’m sure.

  Max, jittery in the doorway to the barn, runs out into the sunshine and tackles me. “Mira!” He grabs me around my waist so tight I can barely breathe. “I missed you. Mom said I’d never see you again.”

  I crouch and hug him back, breathing in the little boy sweet sweat scent on the back of his neck. Oh Max, I’m so sorry. “I missed you, little man. I came back to see you.”

  “Why? Mom said you couldn’t. Tommy said you were gonna die.” He looks up at me, a way-too-mature sense of worry creasing a line between his baby soft eyebrows. “Are you?”

  What do I tell him? Yes, I was going to die, but I changed my mind? That I’m going to see if Tanner can get him free? I tilt his chin so he looks me straight in the eyes. “Tommy’s an idiot.” Max grins in relief. “Of course I’m not going to die.” Just saying those words brings relief, and I smile back at him. “I’m going to have to leave for a little while…”

  “No!” He squeezes me tightly, and I bury my face in his neck again.

  “But I’m coming back, I promise.” Socrates can find a new Second. My brother, sister, everything that happened is too big, too important. I can’t just bow out now. Tanner was right. I need to fight.

  I set Max a little bit away from me and say, “I want to stay. Really I do, but I can’t right now.” I kiss him softly on the forehead. “But I promise you I’ll come back. You’re my little brother. I couldn’t stay away even if I tried. Besides, if I did, you’d get big and strong and come after me, wouldn’t you?”

  He nods vigorously. “You bet.”

  “Now you have to be strong for Mom, all right?”

  He nods again, more solemnly this time. “And help Tanner, okay? He’ll need your help around the farm.”

  His chest puffs up with pride.

  “You better get out of here, okay? Before your teacher catches you missing school.”

  He spins around and takes off. I guess in Max’s world, everything’s all right now. I wish I could say the same for mine.

  Just as I head back over to Will and Socrates, I hear Tanner yell, “Mira!” He hurries toward me, sunlight glinting off his rusty-blond hair, sweat stains spotting his brown coverall. His face is bruised, his left eye black and his bottom lip split and crusted over with dried blood. A long cut follows his hairline from the left temple down to his chin. I notice a hitch in his step. There must be worse injuries beneath the surface. He slows as he reaches me.

  “Mira…” Tanner pants, holding his side as if the simple act of breathing is agony and pulls me aside, taking me stiffly into his arms. I feel Will’s eyes bore into me, and I force myself not to break away from Tanner’s embrace. “I missed you so, so much. The whole time I was in prison, I thought of you.” He squeezes me tightly. “You believe me now, don’t you? You know what I was trying to do before those soldiers came. It was never supposed to end like that.”

  I lightly trace my fingers down the bruises on his face and the slashing cut. He winces, and I jerk my hand back. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

  He laughs, a harsh, angry sound. “I’ll live.”

  I wince. “The soldiers did this to you?”

  “No, I fell down the stairs.”

  Never having heard this sarcastic edge to him before, I step back, unsure.

  He smirks. “They re-educated me.”

  “But they sent you back. They killed Mr. Flannigan. Why are you—?”

  “Still here? Circumstantial evidence at best. Personally, I think it’s because killing a farmer doesn’t have nearly the impact as killing someone well-known in Washington as a teacher for Seconds. I’m nothing compared to him.”

  “I… I’m sorry.” I shiver.

  Tanner shakes his head. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine as long as I don’t try to leave the farm.”

  “Why can’t you leave?”

  He pulls up his left sleeve and reveals a small silver bracelet, similar to the one Will stole from Socrates, but so tight it looks like it’s melted into his skin. A red light blinks on the top. I reach out to touch it. My fingers graze its sleek surface. Although it looks cold, it’s the same temperature as his body, and when I try to put my fingers around it, I can’t. He flinches, and I can feel a jolt of something pass through his body. “Don’t. It’s no good. It’s fused to my skin.”

  I look up at him. “What is it?”

  “It’s the latest fashion accessory for the criminally charged. Well, more like a warning. Be a good little Texan, and no one gets hurt.”

  “Is it a bomb?”

  “No, thank goodness. But I was told it’s a perimeter tracker and contains a healthy dose of neurotoxin to boot, so if I try to leave the farm, even one step outside the boundaries, I’m dead.” He stares at his portable prison, and the tired loathing in his eyes make me want to take him in my arms, hold him like he held me so many times before. But I don’t. I can’t.

  I fold my arms around myself instead and rub my arms in an attempt to stop shivering. “This is crazy. How can they do this?”

  “Who’s going to stop them? Call it what you will. They’re in charge of enforcing the laws. Trust me. It didn’t turn out the way they wanted for them, either.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “They couldn’t find any real link to the rebels, or I wouldn’t be here.” Tanner rubs my arms with his hands, up and down. “It’s you I’m worried about. I wish I could help you, but I can’t.” He gestures at the bracelet. “I’m kinda stuck here.”

  I try to summon up a smile, to assure him that it’s okay. “I’ll be all right.”

  “No.” His voice is anguished. “I don’t think you will. The guards, they told me saving you didn’t matter, that you were dead anyway. I didn’t believe them but…” He takes a deep breath. “But I don’t know what to believe anymore.” An angry,
frustrated look crosses Tanner’s face, and from the corner of my eye, I see Will take a step forward.

  “Tanner, listen to me, please. Socrates is a good person. Well, sort of. He’s changed the world, and will do more for our people than I ever will. He will—”

  “Stop. I don’t want to hear any more bullshit propaganda about how wonderful that man is. I can’t take it anymore.” He turns away from me, and I put my hand up to stop him.

  “Let me finish, all right?” I take a deep breath. “What I was going to say was that I changed my mind.” The barest hint of relief flashes through his gaze, but it’s quickly masked by suspicion, like he doesn’t really believe me. Or maybe he’s afraid to. “I couldn’t tell you before, but…” The words come out in a rush. “… I decided I’m not going through with it. As soon as we get back to the Smith, I’m going to tell Socrates I want out.” The huge grin on his face must mirror my own. “I’m going to live, Tanner.”

  “Mira, are you serious?” I nod, and a wide grin stretches his face. “I knew you’d come around!” And before I can stop him, he pulls me tight into his arms, and his lips crush mine. His mouth opens, and I can feel his tongue pressing against the seam of my lips. I can’t do this. “Tanner, stop.” I try to say, but I’m speaking into his mouth, and he’s not listening. I wedge my hands up so they’re against his chest and push. Hard. After a second he backs away, eyes heavy, breathing ragged.

  “Mira. I’m sorry. I… I can’t... I don’t know what came over me.”

  “It’s… okay,” I try to smile. “Just don’t let it happen again.”

  Just as quickly as the passion came over him, sadness follows. “It was never me, was it?”

  What does a girl say to that? No, I never loved you? Or eww, kissing you is like kissing my brother? No, both are way too harsh. I try to answer him, but he smiles instead and pecks a kiss on my forehead.

  “It’s okay. I-I guess I’ve known for a while now. I thought, well, I thought after we got married it would be different. That you liked me well enough and we could make it work. I love you, Mira. I always have.”

  “I love you too, Tan. It’s just—”

  “I get it. Don’t worry. You don’t have to explain anything.”

  “No, listen to me. I do love you, but yes, it’s like a brother. I know I could have a great life with you, but I can’t come back here. After I tell Socrates my decision, well, there’s no turning back. I don’t know what’s going to happen.” Sure, I’ll be banished, but my real mom was exiled, too, right? She might have survived if she’d not taken her own life. I’m stronger than that. I have to survive. For myself, for Max, for my sister who never should have died in the first place.

  “You’re right, but that doesn’t mean you have to go into hiding. So many people are watching you, what you do, what you say. You could do so much for the world.” He fists his left hand and slams it into his right. “And here I am, stuck at the farm. Completely useless.” My eyes are glued to that little blinking light. He opens his fist then closes it again, the metal bands loosening and constricting with his movements. “You’re better off with him.” He nods behind me, and I turn to see Will, walking toward me.

  “But I’m not—”

  “Mira, are you ready?” Will asks quietly. His eyes never leave Tanner.

  I glance at Tanner. His jaw is set and his eyes flinty. “Yeah, I guess so.” Will offers me his arm, and I take it. About halfway back to Socrates, I turn my head, trying to get one last glimpse of Tanner, but he’s gone. The barnyard is empty, vacant.

  “Did you get the goodbye you wanted?” Socrates asks, one hand on his cane, the other buried in Ben’s ruff.

  Rosie’s cross flashes before my eyes. “Would you mind if we stop at one more place?”

  “Sure, that’s not a problem.”

  I lead them across the lawn to the edge of the forest, Will constantly scanning from side to side. Maybe he thinks it’s dangerous to be so close to the edge. I guess I can see his point, even though I’ve never felt safer.

  When we get to the playground, I let out a deep breath. There is a sea of new little crosses sunk into the ground where the guards’ heavy boots trampled them. The dolls and toys have been put back in the right spots, and if I didn’t know better, I would never have believed that just days ago this area had been littered with the little matchsticks and overturned teddy bears.

  “What is this place?” Socrates asks. His voice is low. Even he recognizes how special this place is.

  “It’s our playground.”

  When I don’t say any more, he snorts, disgusted at my lack of explanation. “I can see that, but where are the children?”

  “They’re all around us. Can’t you see them?” I gesture with my hands. “They’re everywhere.”

  “Ben, stay.” The dog whines, but sits and waits at the edge of the field. Will follows us, which is probably for the best, though a part of me wants him to stay away, as if I’m still not ready to show him this part of me. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe sharing who I am, who I was, will help the little ghosts sleep.

  We wind our way through the tiny memorials, careful not to knock any over. Even Ben seems reverent. He stays where he was told and doesn’t sniff at any of them or do what other dogs do. I stop at Rosie’s little cross. Someone has put a fresh bouquet of wildflowers at the base, and I finger one of the blooms.

  “What happened to them?” He reaches out, fingering the dress on an ancient doll, the cloth no longer blue but a pale gray.

  “Accidents, wild animals, disease. Some of them just disappeared.” I close my eyes. I’m sorry, Rosie.

  “Who is this?”

  “My sister, Rosie.”

  Socrates’s hand tenses on the head of his cane. “Did she get sick?”

  “No. She was one of the ones who disappeared.”

  “How could that happen? Wasn’t anyone supposed to watch her?”

  I crush one of the tiny blooms between my fingers. “Yeah, me.”

  Silence. “My apologies. No one has any idea what happened to her?”

  “Oh, I know what happened, all right.” I can’t keep the bitterness from my voice. I don’t care about the promise I made to my mom. I don’t care about my decision not to be his Second. None of that matters. Nothing matters except that the truth gets out about a little girl who disappeared into the forest and never returned.

  “What?”

  “Your precious program is what happened to her. There was a First scheduled to come to our farm. He wanted a young girl who looked like Rosie. I guess he likes to raise them himself before the Release. She was just a baby.” Should I be telling him this? What if he reports us? What would happen to Max then? A cold knot forms in my throat, and my shoulders tense.

  “So your parents sent her out in the forest to die?”

  “No. Don’t you get it? They sent her out there to live. Sure, they didn’t know what exactly would happen if that First chose her, but my parents didn’t want to take the chance. They didn’t want this life for her.” I gesture at myself, then at him. “They thought a chance, even one as slim as running and hopefully finding help, would be better than…” I look away while I’m talking, embarrassed, as though I’m betraying him somehow by laying my thoughts, my feelings all out there. You don’t owe him anything, a little voice snips in my head. Look at all he’s taking away. If anything, he owes you.

  “Did she make it?”

  I laugh. “I have no idea. I was supposed to go with her, make sure she got picked up, though I didn’t know it at the time.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  I look down at the little cross again, tracing the edge of the wooden arms with my fingers. “Me, too.”

  “So why did you agree to become my Second?” Do I tell him now? Right here in the midst of
all these crosses, all these memorials? What would he do, just leave me here? Thinking of facing my mother again, I gulp. No, I can’t tell him here. Best to go with the original plan and tell him when we get back to the Smith.

  “At first, it was because I was supposed to. Now? I’m doing it for Rosie, for my brother, Max, and for all those kids who won’t have to stand in a line ever again as soon as that bill passes. Who won’t have to worry about being chosen, leaving their families, and being forced into this great destiny. My hope is that I’m the last kid who has to die so that your people can live forever.”

  “You sound very knowledgeable about the Free America Act. I thought you didn’t know much about it?”

  “I know enough. Look, does it really matter?” I put my hands on my knees and stand up, feeling old, maybe as old as Socrates.

  “No. I don’t suppose it does.”

  I glance at him as the sun hits the horizon. The glowing golden light casts deep shadows across his face. “Are you ready to go?”

  “Yes, are you?”

  I nod. “Let’s get out of here.”

  Socrates stands up, weaving back and forth, and takes a step. Before his foot can reach the ground, his eyes roll back in his head and he topples to the ground, violently shaking. Ben races over, whining, and yips, pawing at Socrates. I roll him over on his back, feeling for a pulse.

  “Socrates? Are you there?”

  Footsteps pound toward me as Will leaps forward, pushing me aside, crouches down, and feels for his pulse. “He’s alive, barely.” He taps a button on his com unit and speaks rapidly. “Code eleven nineteen at Chesaning. I repeat, code eleven nineteen.”

  “I’m Not Ready.”

  Socrates

  It’s dark inside me. Outside me. All around me. I can’t see it because my eyes won’t work, but I feel everything. I can’t open my eyes for the life of me. It’s just too hard, too much. God, Ellie, where are you?