Airports, Exes, and Other Things I'm Over

by Shani Petroff

  “The JCC.”

  That was where Zev and I first got together. It was a Hanukkah party. He was there with his friends, and I was there with mine. There was karaoke, which I could never pass up. I was begging my friends—any of them—to do the duet from the movie Grease with me. They all refused. Zev had been standing nearby. He jumped in and offered to sing with me.

  “At least now you know the tune,” I said.

  He pulled the bag away again. “I would have done anything to get you to notice me, even humiliate myself.” The talking seemed to be helping his breathing.

  I bumped my shoulder lightly into his and laughed. “And that you did.”

  When we got up onstage, it became evident very quickly that Zev didn’t know the song at all. He wasn’t even close to belting out the right tune. But he didn’t stop, he kind of talked/made up his own music throughout the whole thing. Right after, when I asked him why he volunteered if he didn’t know the song, he gave me this big goofy grin, with that little dimple of his, and said he wanted an “in” to talk to me.

  I was totally charmed.

  “The look on your face when I told you I never saw Grease,” he said, gripping the armrest tight as we hit a tiny bit of turbulence, “was priceless.”

  “It’s a classic,” I protested. “And you did improv. Anyone in any aspect of the theater should have seen it. But your response was pretty smooth, I’ll give you that.”

  After my mock horror, he said that I was right, that he should see it, and invited me to his apartment to watch it together.

  He smiled at that. “Yeah, it was, until you scrunched up your face and asked me if I had just invited you to Netflix and chill.”

  “You started stammering. ‘Wh-what? No, no, that’s not what I meant.’”

  “Then you laughed.”

  “And you said, ‘not that I’d object, but I’m just looking for any excuse to hang around you.’”

  I told him he didn’t need an excuse, and then we sat down at a little table and spent the rest of the night talking. By the time the party ended, I was pretty sure I was in love. I had never believed in the instant connection, butterflies in the stomach, flutter of the heart stuff that people always wrote about. But in that moment, I did.

  I studied his face now. He seemed calmer, like he almost forgot where we were, and I almost—key point being almost—forgot how much I wanted to be done with him.

  “I’d wanted to talk to you since I first saw you perform,” he said. We had both been part of the school talent show junior year, but we didn’t really hang out. He was usually in the lighting booth, and I was down in the auditorium. I noticed him, I mean he was Zev Geller, but we didn’t otherwise cross paths. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

  “Well, that was your job,” I reminded him. “You were in charge of the spotlight.”

  “You didn’t need it; you shone without it.”

  “Okay,” I said, “the altitude is messing with your head. That was super cheesy.”

  I said the wrong thing. Reminding him that we were high aboveground made him gulp for air, but he kept talking. “No, it’s true, Sari. You’re always beautiful, but when you’re onstage, you light up.”

  The look in his eye was pretty convincing. It made me want to forgive him, but I still wasn’t sure that was the smart thing to do. I needed to stop going down memory lane with him. It was messing with my mind. I needed to think without Zev in my ear.

  “Where’s your phone?” I asked him.

  He pulled it out, and I punched up a playlist I had made him earlier this year. “Close your eyes and listen to this,” I said. “Maybe you can actually get some sleep.” And I’d get some time to sort out what I was feeling.

  I watched him as he sat there, leaning back against the headrest.

  He looked so sweet, so peaceful. I felt the urge to put my head on his shoulder. Being near him, even today, even when I was pissed, still felt right. Did that mean I should give him a second chance?

  Zev did have a good explanation for what happened, and he was super believable when he said he was done with Bethanne. Throwing out everything we had because she kissed him might have been an overreaction. Still … the way that made me feel was the worst thing I’d ever gone through. I wasn’t about to forget it anytime soon, but maybe there was a way to get past it.

  I could take things slow. I didn’t have to jump back in right where Zev and I left off. I could test the waters, see if we could get back to what we had. He’d never done anything like this before, so didn’t he deserve the benefit of the doubt?

  I studied his chest and found myself matching my breathing with his. In and out. In and out. In and out.

  Zev still had a piece of my heart, and from everything he said, it sounded like I still had a piece of his—and I wasn’t ready to give it up.

  There was still confusion, there was still hurt, there was still distrust, but there was also longing and more important—love.

  If I was being honest with myself, I missed him. I wanted him back.

  I put my head on his shoulder. His breathing changed again, only this time it felt like a sigh of relief.

  It felt right.

  TWENTY-SIX

  I jolted upright. Where was I? The plane. I must have fallen asleep. My jerking motion stirred Zev awake.

  “Sorry,” I said, getting my bearings back. My eyelids were heavy and my mouth felt dry and sticky. I reached into my bag and took out some gum and handed a piece to Zev. “It will help during the landing, to pop your ears.”

  “Thanks.”

  His face looked ashen. “You’ll be fine,” I assured him.

  “Yeah,” he said, “it’s just knowing the landing is coming. The flight attendant just came by to collect the trash. That’s what woke you.”

  “You weren’t sleeping?” I asked, trying to suppress a yawn.

  He shook his head. “Was just closing my eyes.”

  I rolled my neck to get the kinks out. “You seem to be doing okay.”

  “Having you on my shoulder helped. Didn’t want to risk waking you.”

  “I’m a pretty sound sleeper.”

  He winked. “I know.” When we accidentally fell asleep on his neighbor’s dock last summer, I didn’t hear the search party screaming our names until Zev literally shook me awake.

  I took a deep breath. It was time to clue him in that I was considering letting us get back to being us. “Thanks for letting me borrow your shoulder.” I kept my eyes on my knees. “It felt nice.”

  “You can use it whenever you want it,” he said. “In fact, the whole car ride home, it’s yours.”

  “Maybe I’ll take you up on that.”

  “You will?”

  I glanced up at him. “Yeah. I mean, if that’s okay.”

  He was nodding so much he looked like one of those bobbleheads they give out at baseball games. “Sari, does this mean…” His voice trailed off.

  “It means I’m not ruling anything out. I’m still angry, but you’re right, it wasn’t all your fault, and maybe we can work through it.”

  “I’ll do anything, Sari. Anything.”

  “Anything? Okay. How about for starters,” I said, wiggling my eyebrows up and down, “don’t freak out on landing.”

  “That’s not fair,” he said, throwing his hand over his heart, like I had stabbed him. “You know I have no control over that.”

  “I know,” I said, “I’m kidding. I would never hold that against you. But try not to get us kicked off the plane, okay? I really don’t want to have to deal with security.”

  He held up his fingers in the Boy Scout pledge. “I’ll do my best.”

  “Good, and I’ll be here for you,” I said.

  “Yeah?” he asked.

  “Yeah.” Our eyes locked, and despite everything going on, I actually felt happy.

  A voice came through the speaker. “Hello, everyone, this is your pilot. We are cleared for landing. The weather may make this a little
bumpy, but we’ll get you home safe and sound.”

  “I hope so,” Zev said under his breath as he grasped the armrests.

  “We’ll be fine.” I meant more than just the landing.

  The plane began to descend.

  “Hang in there,” I told him.

  “I’m okay,” Zev said through gritted teeth.

  He definitely didn’t look okay.

  “We’re almost there.” The plane went down a little and then back up, like it was shaking. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing,” I said. Then it happened again.

  He gave me a terse smile. “Yep,” he said. He was trying to act chill, but fear was permeating his voice.

  “Just a little turbulence.” But it was more than a little. Out the window I could barely make out the buildings below, and the rain was coming down so hard, it wasn’t making this landing easy. The plane jolted and my stomach dropped. Zev went even more pallid, and his breathing was getting heavy.

  He started picking at his nails, which were already a mess.

  I took his hand. “I got you.”

  He held on to me tightly. Our fingers were intertwined, and his palm felt warm against mine. I found myself breathing a little shallower, too, but for different reasons. I was really doing this, I was getting back together with Zev. I looked at our clasped hands. His palms were almost double the size of mine, but somehow they fit perfectly.

  I kept a firm grip, trying to steady him, to quell his shaking. When Zev gasped at the next bump, I massaged my thumb against his. “Almost there.”

  The wheels hit the tarmac with a thud. “We’re on the ground,” I said, giving Zev’s hand one final squeeze before letting go. “We made it.”

  “Thank you,” he said. His hazel eyes looked almost green, and so warm.

  “You’re welcome.” He was still trembling a little, which was actually kind of endearing. I turned my phone on. “I better text my mother, let her know we made it before she bombards you with texts. She probably already did.”

  “I’ll check,” he said, turning off airplane mode on his cell.

  “There are a ton of messages,” he said, and I turned to watch as alert after alert popped up on his screen. He lifted the phone closer to him, but he was still shaky and wound up dropping it.

  “I got it.”

  I took off my seat belt and bent down to pick it up.

  No. No, no, no, no, NO.

  Ice ran through my veins. His phone almost painful to the touch. This was not happening. It wasn’t. But it was. Everything Zev had told me was a lie.

  The evidence was right in my hands; evidence that I was an idiot.

  The last alert Zev got was still visible on his screen. It was a text. A text from Bethanne. A text that would be seared into my brain forever. A text that said:

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  Wow. I really was gullible. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But a third time? How did I even manage to get accepted into college? It clearly wasn’t because of my street smarts. I fell for every single line that Zev fed me. So much for cutting Bethanne out of his life. He wasn’t just still texting her, he was planning to hang out with her.

  He lied, and I believed him.

  I was so pissed. At him, but more so at myself. I should have known better. Zev was amazing at spinning things. The way he charmed the guy with the Harry Potter book should have tipped me off. I don’t know why I thought I’d be immune to his alternative facts.

  I handed him his phone without saying a word.

  “Thanks,” he said. “You were right; your mom did text.”

  I ignored him.

  “Sari?”

  I stood up, and moved out into the aisle. Zev followed. “Everything okay?”

  I stayed silent.

  “What’s going on?” he asked, but I still refused to respond.

  When we made it up a few rows, Zev popped open the overhead bin where my guitar was waiting. He reached in to get it.

  “I can do it myself,” I fumed.

  I stood on my tippy toes and tried to get Ruby out. I was having a hard time maneuvering with my backpack and all the people around me.

  “I got it,” Zev said.

  “No.” I didn’t need him and his stupid height.

  “Sari, why are you being like this?” he asked.

  I tugged at Ruby until she was free, and then I just turned and walked toward the front of the plane. It wasn’t the most elegant exit—the pathway wasn’t that wide and my case kept clunking into each row of seats as I passed—but Zev got the point. Anything I had said earlier on the flight no longer held true.

  We got held up near the end as another passenger was trying to get something out of a bin. Zev put his hand on my shoulder and I shook it off.

  “Tell me what I did, so I can fix it,” he pleaded.

  There was no fixing this.

  I turned to face him. “You know what you did. Look, we have to get through this car ride, so I will pretend everything is fine.” My voice was a harsh whisper. “I’m not going to make things weird for Fitz and his friend.” I didn’t even know the guy’s name, I wasn’t about to make him regret doing me a favor. “But you need to leave me alone. I can’t take you right now.”

  “Just tell me, what did I do?”

  “Stop.”

  “Sari, what—”

  “Zev, please.” My voice cracked. “Please just stop. Please.”

  He closed his eyes for a few seconds, but when he reopened them, he didn’t say anything. We made it off the plane, and I saw Fitz standing with a group of people waiting for their bags.

  “Hey,” he said putting out both of his fists—one for me to bump, one for Zev. “Hanging in there?”

  He was directing the question to Zev because of his meltdown before takeoff, but I was the one who was freaking out now. However, I was doing my best to contain the hurt and rage, so no one would notice.

  “I’ll meet you guys at baggage claim,” I said, forcing a smile. They both checked things right before boarding that they needed to pick up gate side. I didn’t. Mine would be coming the more traditional route. It gave me the perfect excuse to get away from everyone for a moment without causing a scene.

  “Catch ya there,” Fitz said.

  Zev stayed quiet.

  Now if he’d only do that for the next several hours, I could get home and never have to deal with him again.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  I meant to race to baggage claim so I could have one less run-in with Zev, but my heels made that impossible. I was moving slower than any of the people I came across at Gram’s retirement community. I wanted to take the shoes off, but the floor of the main concourse was beyond gross. People were tracking dirt and water in from outside. It was raining pretty hard here.

  I dodged suitcases on wheels and travelers running to catch planes. The shoes were crushing my feet, it was like they had a death grip on me. The only thing that felt worse was the pain in my heart from Zev’s lies.

  Three and half hours, I’d be back home. I just needed to keep reminding myself. Somehow I made it down to the luggage carousel. I wedged my way between a woman in a leopard print jacket and a man who might have actually taken a bath in cologne. The musky scent tickled my nose, but I wasn’t moving. The spot was right where the bags dropped out. Not only did I want to find mine as soon as possible, but I also wanted to avoid any unnecessary steps. I was never wearing heels again.

  On the upside, it took me so long to get to baggage claim that I didn’t have to wait more than a couple of minutes for the rumble of the conveyer belt to come on, and the first suitcases to make the rounds. On the downside, it also wasn’t long until my travel companions were at my side.

  “Found ya,” Fitz said.

  Just great.

  Zev was behind him, but he was staring at the ground. Maybe, by a small miracle, I had managed to get through to him. Or maybe he finally realized that lying to someone you said you love is a completely rotten thing to
do and doesn’t deserve any understanding or kindness.

  A large black suitcase with a silver ribbon fell out of the shoot. The ribbon was my dad’s idea. He really loved playing off our last name, and it was just easier to humor him. “That’s me,” I said, reaching for the bag. Fitz grabbed it for me, lifting it like it was empty instead of stuffed with a week’s worth of clothing, books, and other supplies.

  “Thanks,” I said, genuinely impressed. “Is it okay if I wait for you by the door?”

  I didn’t want to be rude by leaving him there, but I couldn’t stand being near Zev a second longer than I had to.

  Fitz didn’t care.

  “Any word from your friend?” I asked, as I lifted the handle to the suitcase and balanced Ruby against it.

  “Yeah. Dylan’s been circling around. He should be out front in a few minutes.”

  Dylan. That was his name. “Great.” I pointed to the door to the left. “I’ll be right over there.”

  I bit my lip at the view out the window. Trees were shaking, branches were whipping around, and the rain was coming down. This was the worst I had seen it in ages, and if the forecasters were right, this was just the beginning. The storm was supposed to be moving toward Boston from New York, which meant we’d be driving right into the heart of it.

  I pulled out my umbrella, although I wasn’t sure it was going to hold up long against those winds. Gram had wanted me to take her rain poncho, and I should have listened. I figured I’d just be running to a car; how wet could I get? Ha. I’d be drenched in a matter of seconds. I pulled my phone from the pocket of my backpack. If I didn’t want it to get ruined, I’d have to wrap it in my T-shirt and then put it away.

  Shoot. I never wrote my mom back. I had a gazillion messages waiting. This was Zev’s fault. He distracted me. Right as I was about to respond, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Fitz walked over.

  “Dylan’s right outside,” Fitz said. “Ready?”

  I nodded. My mom waited this long, she could wait a few more minutes, I’d text her in the car. I just wanted to get on the road. I put the phone away and followed the guys toward the exit. I was finally leaving the airport!