Merch Girl

by Rebecca Lewis

  He grabbed Trina away and they disappeared to the back of the bus. Logan was chatting on his cell phone in between the bunks, and Ryan sat down next to me.

  “Where’s Jenna?” he asked.

  “She’s still sleeping.” I lied. I felt bad for him. I wanted to tell him what Jenna was up to, but I knew it wasn’t my place.

  “Oh, okay,” he said.

  The radio station crew knocked on the door and Ryan let them in. Logan ended his phone call and greeted them. I wish he would’ve done the same when I walked on the bus.

  “Hey, nice to meet you, I’m Logan, this is Ryan,” he said, placing a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “And, I’ll go get Griffin.”

  “Great, I’m Chuck and this is Maya. We’ll set up and start recording in a few.”

  “Sounds good,” Logan replied, heading to the back to get Griffin.

  Was I invisible today? I knew I didn’t smell bad. Why was he completely ignoring my presence?

  Logan returned with Griffin and Trina just as the radio people finished setting up their equipment. The guys all sat down next to each other across from the DJs while Trina and I stood off to the side. Logan looked up at me for a second and turned his head back fast, as if he didn’t want me to catch him looking. This was odd, and uncomfortable. I couldn’t think of one thing I had done to upset him. I was so mad I couldn’t think straight. I needed to leave and get some air, scream out loud, do something, anything else besides be in the same breathing space as him.

  “We don’t want to intrude, so we’ll see you guys later,” I said, pulling Trina off the bus with me. I quickly made my way down the street.

  “What’s wrong?” Trina asked.

  I couldn’t get my thoughts straight to tell her what was bugging me. I continued down the sidewalk silently, keeping my eyes focused straight ahead. When I reached the end of the street, I sat down on the curb and dropped my head between my knees. Trina sat down next to me and rubbed my back, waiting patiently for me to speak.

  “Last night was so perfect. He wanted to take me out when we got to New York, he wanted to get to know me better, and I swear I saw him look at me like he wanted to kiss me,” I confessed.

  “Isn’t that a good thing?” she asked, confused.

  I turned to look at her with tears welling up behind my eyes. I blinked countless times in a row to keep them from streaming down my face.

  “Yes, of course, that’s why today sucks! Logan hasn’t said a word to me since we got on the bus. I caught him look up at me once, just once, and he turned his head away in an instant.”

  “That doesn’t make sense,” she said.

  “I know! I don’t understand! What did I do wrong?”

  She stood up and helped me back up on my feet. “You did nothing wrong, he’s just being an idiot.”

  “I guess.”

  I was completely crushed. I thought things were going so well with him. I guess I was wrong.

  “Boys suck, even rockstar ones.”

  I laughed a little. “You go listen to the rest of their interview; I’m going back to our bus to relax before we have to get ready for the show.”

  Trina nodded and gave me a hug before approaching the band’s bus. When I returned to my bus, I heard Jenna’s voice and some rustling around in the back lounge. I really wasn’t in the mood to investigate, even though it was tempting. I curled up in my bunk and tried to rest, but couldn’t stop envisioning Logan’s face when I closed my eyes. I wish I knew what I did to make him so standoffish.

  I had an hour to kill before setting up for the show, so I opened my iPad and found the Lansdowne Lovers blog again. My blood boiled as I looked at the photos of Logan posing with girls kissing him on the cheek. I knew it was wrong to hate his fans, but I couldn’t help it.

  I scrolled through some more posts and found a picture of Trina and me. I was surprised to see there were 53 comments listed for our photo. I clicked the link to read them all.

  Is that their girlfriends?

  No, they’re all single.

  I saw them at the show, they sell t-shirts!

  Me too! They’re cool.

  The one with the black hair could be a girlfriend, the other isn’t pretty enough.

  Not pretty enough? Okay, she was probably right, but I wasn’t hideous…way to kill my self-esteem even more today. I read all of the comments, the good and the bad. They weren’t too horrible, most people couldn’t believe one of the members of Lansdowne would date someone like me, and they were probably right. I looked at the time and shut off my iPad. It was time to unload the merch with Trina. Grabbing a couple boxes, I slowly took them inside the theater. Robyn was already running around with her clip board and two-way radio.

  “Where’s your partner in crime?” she asked, looking around.

  “I think she’s still with the band.”

  She rolled her eyes and walked off yelling something into her two-way. Great, just what I needed, Robyn to be angry with me too. I walked back to grab more boxes and saw Trina exit the band’s bus with the rest of the guys.

  “I’m so sorry!” she yelled, running to help me.

  “It’s okay, no big deal,” I responded, dumping some boxes into her arms. We entered the theater and set up the merchandise booth.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked.

  “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine.” I knew she could tell I wasn’t fine, but I had to tell myself that I was or I wouldn’t make it through the show. “Did he say anything about me?”

  Trina shook her head. “No, sorry, but, if it makes you feel any better, he didn’t talk much at all to anyone about anything.”

  “Oh, ok.”

  Peeking inside the venue further, I noticed Logan standing in the center of stage with his microphone in hand. He had to have seen me. I was only one out of maybe ten people in the room. I waited around for a few minutes, and watched the band do some of their soundcheck, but I still received no acknowledgement from Logan. Giving up, I returned to the merch booth to sulk.

  “Do you want me to talk to Griffin about it? Maybe he knows what’s going on,” Trina asked.

  “No, I’ll handle it.” I didn’t want to create any drama. If Logan didn’t want to talk to me anymore, I’d just have to accept it, even if I didn’t understand.

  The doors opened and the fans ran in. I let the noise in the busy theater drown out the thoughts in my head. I just wanted to listen to the music, without thinking about the guy that was singing the words. Unlike the previous shows that flew by, this one seemed to take an eternity to end.

  “Goodnight Hartford, we hope to see you again soon!” Logan yelled. The fans screamed like usual, and threw themselves at Trina and me for merchandise. Thankfully I was so occupied with selling for the next hour that I didn’t have time to be depressed. After the last fans left the theater I packed up the boxes, silently.

  “I’m talking to him, I don’t care what you say,” Trina said.

  “No, no, I don’t want to be a bother.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, and you don’t deserve this,” she responded. “I’m going straight to Logan, he needs to explain himself.”

  “Please, don’t.”

  “You can’t stop me,” she said, charging off backstage. I grabbed the cash box and raced after her. By the time I got to the dressing room she was already in there, and the door was closed.

  I grabbed some merchandise boxes and took them back to the bus, fighting my way through the dense crowd outside before making it out to the other side of the street. I climbed onto the bus and headed straight for my bunk.

  Trina’s bracelets jingled as she pulled my curtain open. “Good news.”

  “How could there be any good news?” I asked.

  “Logan wants to meet with you tomorrow in the hotel lobby at noon.”

  “Really?” I couldn’t fathom what he’d want to see me for after the way he was acting today.

  “He seemed really down backstage. I don’t think he�
��s mad at you, but something’s definitely bothering him.”

  “Thanks for helping, but I think I want to just be alone right now and process everything.”

  She gave me a hug and slid my curtain back. I tried to sleep, but it was still too early for my body to shut down, and my thoughts kept me awake as well.

  I listened to the commotion of the fans outside the bus. Maybe it would have been better to just stay a fan. The guys would have had to like me, even if they were just pretending. I could see them once in a while, they’d put their arms around me for pictures, and I could dream about Logan being my rockstar boyfriend and not have to deal with the real emotions that came with actually knowing and caring for him.

  Chapter 7 – New York City

  I exited the elevator and wandered around the expansive hotel lobby filled with tourists and businessmen. Logan sat comfortably on a throne-like chair across the way. His long legs stretched out in front of him, and his Converse-clad feet tapped the marble floor beneath.

  My stomach churned as I approached him slowly. My legs felt like Jell-O. Confrontation sucked, but I had to know what I did to make him so mad at me.

  His eyes were closed, and his iPod rested on his lap. A few strands of his silky hair fell across his forehead as he moved his head slightly up and down to the beat. I stood in front of him for a few seconds before poking him gently on the shoulder. Pulling out his earbuds, he looked up at me, expressionless. I felt like throwing up, I’d never been this nervous in my life and his silence didn’t make it any easier.

  I stared at the wall behind him and pulled myself together. “Logan, I…” I had to consciously stop my voice from shaking. I took a deep breath and spit out the rest of what I had to say as fast as possible. “I have to know what I did to make you so mad at me.”

  He kept his eyes still, but his eyebrows rose slightly. “I’m not mad at you, Lacey”

  “Then why did you ignore me all day yesterday?”

  His eyes darted around the lobby before he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the closest exit staircase. He led me inside the stairwell and let the door slam behind us.

  Gripping my bare shoulders, he looked straight down into my watery eyes, and gently brushed his lips against mine. His lips felt so full and soft; I didn’t want the kiss to end, but he pulled away after only a few seconds. I gazed up at him, completely stunned. What the hell was he doing?

  “What? But I thought…” I tried to sputter out words, but I was at a loss.

  He smiled and laughed quietly.

  “It’s not funny!” I yelled. “I thought you hated me!”

  He rubbed my shoulders as he spoke. “No, I don’t hate you. And I’m so sorry for making you upset, but I was trying to ignore you because…I like you.”

  “Well, that doesn’t make any sense.”

  Wasn’t that something little boys did when they liked a girl? I didn’t know it carried on past elementary school.

  “I told you, I didn’t want any distractions while touring, and liking you would be a major one,” he explained.

  “Oh…”

  I guess that made sense.

  “After talking things through with Trina last night, I decided that I needed to kiss you to see if there was something really there between us. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have anything to worry about.”

  “Is there something…there?” I whispered. It would suck to be rejected after the best ten seconds of my life.

  He didn’t respond; instead he tightened his grip on my shoulders and pushed me gently against the cold concrete wall. His lips met mine again, more forceful than before. When we finally broke apart, I looked back up at him, breathless.

  “I think you know the answer to that,” he replied, with a grin. “It would be more of a distraction to try and ignore my feelings for you than to just act on them.”

  Was I dreaming? I needed Trina to pinch me!

  “Hello?” Logan said, waving his hand in front of my face.

  “Sorry,” I said, shaking out of my trance like state. “That was…nice.”

  “Thanks, you’re not so bad yourself,” he replied.

  “So, now what?” I asked.

  I was waiting for this moment for months, but now that it finally happened I started thinking rationally. Would Logan and I be able to date? Could we go out in public with each other? Lansdowne was becoming more famous by the minute, and I knew their publicist wanted them to be “single,” but how would that work? I worried that I might only have this moment and nothing else.

  “Well, how about we go back into the lobby?” he suggested.

  “That’s not what I meant, but, yes, let’s get out of this creepy stairwell.”

  He held the door open for me and we walked discreetly back into the lobby.

  “How about we grab lunch?” he asked.

  “That sounds perfect.”

  As soon as the doorman opened the large door for us we heard the sound of shrieking girls. Logan stopped dead in his tracks, turned around and pulled me back into the lobby.

  “I don’t think we should go outside right now,” he said.

  Now the fans were at the hotel too? This was insane.

  “No, they can’t stop us from enjoying our day,” I told him. “They don’t know anything about me, for all they know I’m your cousin.”

  “Okay, it’s your call.”

  I walked ahead as Logan stopped to sign autographs and take pictures. I didn’t want to interrupt him with his fans, but I wanted to have some quality time with him too. My jealousy was already starting to creep up, and I needed to keep it under control. He was always going to have girls wanting his attention, and I had to pretend that I didn’t mind, but it was hard, really, really hard.

  I grabbed a seat on a park bench across the street and watched the fan frenzy unfold. After waiting patiently for fifteen minutes my stomach began to grumble. I waved to Logan, but he was still lost in the sea of girls. Glancing around to make sure there weren’t any fans around, I pulled out my phone to call Trina. I was dying to tell her what happened.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, it’s me. I have big news,” I said.

  “Oh my God, did he do it?”

  I looked around again to make sure no one was close enough hear me. “Yes! He kissed me!”

  Trina screamed so loud that I thought my ear was going to bleed.

  “I know!” I squealed back. “And it was an amazing kiss!”

  “What else happened?”

  “He told me that he liked me, and that’s kind of where we left it. We just walked outside and he got swarmed by a bunch of fans, so I’m waiting across the street for him to finish.”

  “I’m so happy for you! We can double date!” she screamed.

  “Hmm, yeah, not in public though.”

  “We’ll figure it out.”

  “Yeah, I guess,” I responded. “I gotta go, I think Logan is finally walking away from the fans.”

  “Bye! See you in a few hours.”

  “Bye.”

  Logan waved me over and he hailed a cab. We slid into the backseat and he told the driver the cross streets of our destination.

  “Where are you taking me?” I asked.

  “Not telling,” he said with a grin and grabbed my hand.

  His hand was comforting and his fingers rubbed the inside of my palm gently. He was killing me, absolutely killing me! I couldn’t stop smiling; I turned my head to look out the window so he couldn’t see my goofy expression.

  Logan took my hand as we exited the cab and led me down the street.

  “So, where are we?” I knew it wasn’t Times Square, but it was still pretty packed.

  “Union Square,” he responded.

  The door to a small pizza shop was open in front of us, and the smell of tomato sauce and garlic was intoxicating.

  “What is that?” I asked, pointing to a doughy knot in the window that looked delicious.

  He laughed. “It’s a garlic knot.” />
  I was intrigued by the knot of garlic goodness.

  “You can go inside you know,” he said.

  We ordered and found a table in the back to sit down and eat.

  “So, how do you know New York so well?” I asked, biting into my little slice of heaven.

  “I did an internship here last summer,” he explained. “I lived in one of the college dorms and worked at a record label. That’s how I met the guy who helped us get signed.”

  “Wow, I would love to do that,” I said. “I never thought about working in the music industry until I started touring with you guys, and I really like it.”

  He smiled and finished his second slice. “It’s fun, and it doesn’t feel like a job. I hope I can do this forever.”

  Having lunch with Logan wasn’t as nerve wracking as I imagined it would be. I was relieved that our conversation flowed naturally and there weren’t any awkward moments. Although, it was hard to look directly at him, his sheer beauty caused me to lose my train of thought.

  “About tonight,” he said. “I think we should keep our feelings for each other on the down low.”

  “Oh, well, I sort of already told Trina,” I admitted.

  “That’s okay, she won’t say anything, but you know, there’s going to be tons of media at the show tonight, and record label reps and fans.”

  “Okay, sure,” I said, quietly. I understood, but it still stung.

  “Lacey, it has nothing to do with you, and you know that,” he reassured me, lifting my chin up with his hand.

  I nodded and tried to smile. “I know.”

  We left the pizza place holding hands, and walked through Union Square, towards the venue. But as soon as we could see the buses in the distance, he let go of my hand and distanced himself from me.

  “See you inside,” he said as I walked towards my bus. I couldn’t even kiss him goodbye, there were too many fans already waiting in line. Trina rushed out of the bus and into the street.

  “Oh my God!” she screamed, picking me up off the ground. For a tiny girl, she was strong.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You know what!” she said, with a devilish grin. “I’m so excited for you!”